+ am was +

can i please go home and paint now?


please.

- - -

we're alive
and shall be:
cities may overflow
(am was)
assassinating whole grassblades,
five ideas can swallow a man;
three words
im-prison a woman
for all her now:
but we've
such freedom
such intense digestion so
much greenness only dying makes us grow

+ balance +

i am complete, satisfied, and indescribably content.
i am loved beyond comprehension in absolute permanence.
i will never know heartbreak here.

- - -

balance.

balance is something i constantly strive for, yet consistantly fail miserably in.
i am an all or nothing person, and i want to do everything. everything.
i want to love everyone, all the time.

[ i once had a shirt that said "i just want to make the whole world sing." i lost it during a move; i will owe a lifetime of favors to the person that finds me that shirt again. ]

this makes balance simultaneously beyond necessary and close to impossible.
i don't believe in half-assed tries, but my life is full of half-mastered interests.

[ sometimes i justify my half-mastered interests by the fact that i gave myself to it entirely for _____ amount of time. ]

my attempts have the backing of my whole heart, but i never cease to bite off more than i can chew.

i am a distracted, whole-hearted perfectionist.

i am trying to learn to be cautious in my bouts of excitement,
even though it feels completely wrong;
there is an overwhelming mass of joy somewhere inside of me,
and when things that i love pop into my life,
the dam breaks and that joy seems to flood over everything else.

[ water is life but floods kill. ]

i still want life en masse,
but i don't know how to break it down into pieces.
pieces that still propel the same intensity of joy,
but that do not flood me.

several months back when i was complaining/crying to god about this,
he said, "you will not change as time passes, you will simply be More."

it is so bittersweet when God confirms my weaknesses as part of who i rightly am.

- - -



this is nicholas. the most enjoyable human being to photograph. ever.

+ balance problems+

- - -

balance problems. my new favorite.

your branches are growing strong, absorbing the praise from above

but the roots that hold your weight are slowly breaking up

now you dont mind the heat, or lack of rain in the clouds

but soon enough youll dry up and return to the ground



the desert wind has betrayed you; it seems youre all alone

the nights are cold and now you wish that you had known

the cactus life is tough; but not so much when friends pull through

so next time dont forget them and they wont forget about you



respect fades, the heat creates some distance between us

shelter greed with spines; we see your true self underneath



i can see the wall of rain

across the open desert plain

and you wont fight unless you know you can win



dig yourself into the ground

and search for drops; the rushing sound

of air above declares the changing of winds

- cactus life, balance problems.

+ breanna and fingerpainting+

walked down to nicholas's last night after getting off work to play with some lighting...his friend breanna is in town from washington so i got to shoot her for quite some time. here are two:





[ click on images to see full size on black. ]
- - -

i haven't had three minutes to myself this entire week, and for the first time in awhile it's actually not stressing me out that bad. i am still eternally grateful that today is friday, though, and that in six hours i will be headed straight home to probably lock myself in for 24 hours. tomorrow i am shooting the son of dust and even though they're massive amounts of fun to hang out with, i'm sort of dreading adding to my 1000+ photos that currently need to be edited.

i also have a stack of 6+ books that dear friends have given to me to read and i think i'm only halfway through 2 of them.

- - -

shannon and i are going to have fingerpainting nights starting immediately - i have way too much color that needs to just GET OUT and i am such a perfectionist that i over-think everything i paint and it takes much too long or never gets done. i cannot wait to paint and just love it, with the full knowledge that at the end of the night my creation will go straight to the trashcan.

+ new toys +

a little trip to midwest photo exchange to purchase myself (finally) a hotshoe adapter for my new lightstand/speedlite.

i also got a silver umbrella and poverty wizards.

- - -

i've been struggling with the placement of a possible tattoo, and think i'm falling in love with where she has hers....thoughts?



- - -

i want to know what these men do with their money.

- - -

photo from brightlights shoot:



[i really really need to create a watermark. item #234890234 on list to do. ]

- - -

interesting fact. yes, america, this is fact not opinion. i know that as a general public we do not believe in facts anymore and that "everything is opinion," but here we go. this is a fact. they do exist whether or not you believe in them. deal with it.

In May of last year [2008], the Gallup polling organization asked 1,200 American adults about their giving patterns. People who called themselves 'conservative' or 'very conservative' made up 42% of the population surveyed, but gave 56% of the total charitable donations. In contrast, 'liberal' or 'very liberal' respondents were 29% of those polled but gave just 7% of donations. These disparities were not due to differences in income. People who said they were 'very conservative' gave 4.5% of their income to charity, on average; 'conservatives' gave 3.6%; 'moderates' gave 3%; 'liberals' gave 1.5%; and 'very liberal' folks gave 1.2%."

- - -

+ juicy juice and alienbees +

so, juicy juice mailed me a sippy cup...



- - -

i think i'm about 10 minutes away from purchasing an AB800.

+ monday +

on saturday, i accidentally deleted pretty much everything on my computer except for photos. everything i've written is gone, except for one file that was recovered. would anyone like to buy me an external harddrive since mine is broken?

- - -

a lot of the time, i feel like this:



- - -

+ sunday +

today's thought:


love is what keeps hurt from becoming anger.

+ non sequitur +

today is scattered.

- - -

the majority of us live somewhere between where we’re going and where we were, without ever Being in the middle, which is here.

- - -

last night, i came home to a post-it note on my backdoor. it was from my mom, which was odd enough, and this is what it read:

"hi lauren, i had a doctor's appointment at osu med center so i thought i would stop by. i miss my lauren and i wish i knew how to love her. mom"

this is not to rant about my mom. i won't give any background other than i rarely speak to my parents and they live half an hour from me. they have disowned me as their daughter in the name of God for my passion to live a greater Love than what Right and Wrong allow. that explanation leaves much to be desired; if you don't know and want to, just ask.

this morning as i left for work, it struck me in reassurance that the christianity i have left has failed them. after 47 years of following the greatest Lover that has ever existed, and having the opportunity to be lavishly loved by Him, my mother still does not know how to love an individual (much less her daughter - even raw science is in her favor). i will humbly yet confidently make the assertion that the christianity she lives has failed her.

my heart breaks for her.

i take this as a challenge. to love her as God loves her.

- - -

Is your god really God?
Is my god really God?
I think our god isn't God
If he fits inside our heads

Is your love really love?
Is my love really love?
I think our love isn't love
Unless it's love to the end

+ TheOne™ +

i generally avoid writing of political things and try to limit those discussions to actual in-person-conversations, but when good humor is present, sharing is in order.

can i just say, obama makes me laugh.

just when it seems that it's not possible for him to cause more of a ruckus, his dear little teleprompter steps up to his aid. unfortunately, his teleprompter is filling in as his little scapegoat (as if it were alive and had a mind of its own, and hence could be blamed), instead of just one more thing that obama miffs. either way, i respect the man for being the source of buckets of outrageous entertainment, and am fairly grateful.

Call for Obama's Teleprompter to Resign

Seriously.. who is the President anyway?

The person holding the title obviously can’t speak on his own, that means someone is feeding the teleprompter and that means that person is actually President. Who is that person? I don’t remember there being a vote for Teleprompter in Chief.

Then yesterday, as proof that the man holding the title is nothing but a talking head, it takes SkyNews to break the story (oh no U.S. media would not touch this one) but even SkyNews places the blame on the infernal glass panels. “A teleprompt blunder has led to Barack Obama thanking himself in a speech at the White House in a St Patrick’s Day celebration.”

The teleprompter is so powerful, it controlled the mindless drone who reads it.

in case you don't know what lee hempfling is talking about, check out yesterday's big news:

“Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen was just a few paragraphs into an address in Washington when he realised it all sounded a bit too familiar.

It was. He was repeating the speech President Barack Obama had just read from the same teleprompter.

Mr Cowen stopped, turned to the president and said: “That’s your speech.”

A laughing Mr Obama returned to the podium to take over but it seems the script had finally been switched and the US president ended up thanking himself for inviting everyone to the party.”

and dear lee's final thoughts on the matter...

Do you realize what that means? Obama is not smart enough to SEE WHAT THE WORDS ARE before spewing them forth. That means the TELEPROMPTER IS PRESIDENT.

So who exactly IS our President?

The Teleprompter should immediately resign before it gets Mr. Dumb in trouble again.

i do have some news of my own, however. apparently, the teleprompter is very much so alive and kicking, and even has a blog. please follow him, as he has an excellent sense of humor: http://baracksteleprompter.blogspot.com/

- - -

to read the articles mentioned for yourself:

lee hempling's thoughts

Obama: "Thank you, Mr. President"

+ it's wednesday +

today will be good because:

[] i'm wearing heels. i rarely wear heels to work.
[] it's so beautiful outside!
[] i'm getting less sick? haha.
[] i bought bananas last night; i love them.
[] i'm having a fruit smoothie for lunch, already decided.
[] i'm going to finish up editing a shoot, in bed.
[] i finally get the actual title to my new car. goodness.
[] i'm going to finish the book that lindsay loaned me.
[] i may attempt to go for a run, for the first time in years. something tells me i just might be able to do it.

music i'm listening to this week:

[] as cities burn
[] attack attack
[] rilo kiley
[] that's really all, surprisingly.

- - -

sick update - today is good because i don't feel like i may die shortly, but i'm in this horrible cycle of sneezing -> need to blow my nose, blowing nose -> sneezing, sneezing -> need to blow my nose, and so on. it's terrible, and probably really irritating my co-workers.

- - -

"and jesus took the children in his arms, put his hands on them, and blessed them."

this is the verse immediately following the disciples attempt to stop the children from coming to jesus, and him being indignant. [princeton defines indignant as "being angered by something unjust or wrong."] on top of not realizing that jesus was angered, (not just bothered or disappointed, mind you, angered) i have never thought about that second part. i cannot fathom jesus taking me in his arms, setting me in his lap, resting his hands on my shoulders, and blessing me.

blessing is a word entirely overlooked in this short verse. i am so guilty of translating it as merely "something in the good category," something nice, something "not bad." a few of my close friends know that i have a ridiculous "percentage system" when it comes to the strength of words. (nice is a 10% word - entirely useless, don't ever use it.) i have made the tragic mistake of marking "blessing" as a 20% or 30% word, when truly it's probably up in the high 90's.

definitions of blessing: [] the formal act of approving [] something highly favored and fortunate [] a special favor or mercy [] the invoking of favor from the God of the universe [] highest praise [] to protect and guard from harm [] to endow, as with talent and worth []

not a 20% word.

a blessing is the exact opposite of a curse. when jesus blesses, it's not "i love you, i hope you have a good day today!" jesus puts his hands on his children, and blesses them.

i believe blessing is the purest form of imparting love and encompassing approval. it expects nothing in return, it is not a mutual exchange, and it is not something tainted with obligation or expectation. blessing says, "i wouldn't change a single thing about you. i strongly desire the best of the best for you, and i give you all hope."

+ the time has come to let your demons out +

[one] if anyone has kleenex coupons let me know, because i'm going through them at a rate of one pack per hour and a half. dude i'm not kidding! haha.

- - -

[two] i have been taking a sabbatical week (i may extend it) from plans / people / commitments / appointments / meetings / etc. i've desperately missed god, being alone, and being able to let my silly head process things. joshua said on sunday that age has nothing to do with maturity, reflection does. and oh, how i've missed the quiet. it's been amazing, amazing, amazing. it's changing the way i will live the rest of my life, no beans about it. (is that a phrase? i swear it is.)

- - -

[three] i've always been semi-obsessed with the concept of hands. which is odd because my sister is flat out obsessed with hands. i don't know where this comes from, but this morning i stumbled upon something i'd written exactly a year ago (march 2008):

there is no other desire of mine than to have steady hands; a certainty absent of hesitation. clarity and conviction that leaves no room for disbelief or deception. tired of hands that shake, grasping the bar of grace that is low enough even for the one not strong enough to stand. grace provides all it requires - giving steady hands to any that asks.

- - -

[four] my joy is back. i'm sorry let me re-phrase that. MY JOY IS BACK!!!! it's quite possible that dayquil is heightening this, but last tuesday night, i began the process of breaking whatever it is that has been over me for the last year. on sunday, it completely broke. i am new, i am alive, and i am free. [little package of seven thousand exclamation points goes here!] there are plenty of shallow explanations for how my ridiculous joy and happiness are a result of current situations (lots of dayquil, it's been sunny for the first time in forever, i'm able to easily pay my bills, i have amazing new friends) - but there are also plenty of legitimate reasons for me to be very upset and discouraged right now (i am horribly sick, my brand new car was just hit, car insurance is difficult right now, my sister is not speaking to me, my ex yelled and cussed at me to my face the other night, etc). and so, i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my returned joy is something entirely outside of my circumstances! praise god: i have my heart back.

- - -

[five] i'm actually kind of really liking this photo of kristin from last week's shoot:



- - -

[six] the title today, "the time has come to let your demons out" is from a deas vail song. i really like it. a lot. thats all i have to say. :P and can i also say that i really miss summer nights at the basement, newport, and skullys hanging out with all the little crazy highschool hardcore-screamo-listening american apparel addicts? i really might have to do that again this summer. fo' real.

+ is this not love +

on the drive back from cincinnati, i finally found a few of the words to silence a battle that had been making way too much noise in my head for a long time...

- - -

my love is a crown of roses
so many thorns plunging deep into my head
it will be the death of me
and just maybe the life of you

is this not love
is this not love

i refuse to find logic here
to succumb to preservation
and to making sense
i believe in a new insanity
losing and then losing again

is this not love
is this not love

you are hollow, hollow
and it breaks me, rips me in two
so my compassion threatens 'take of me, take of me'
lest my master birth numbness from safety
'steal from me, steal from me'
lest my master never know the cost
of what she also has received

is this not love
is this not love

we shall return to dust
who are we
who are we
you shall return to dust
who are you
who am i
we shall return to dust


take what you will
take what you want
take what you say you need
take it quickly
take it daily

as he gave so freely so i shall freely give
take of me
you cannot make me empty

+ my brother +

since i woke up at 5am this morning with a sore throat and have been at work since 6-something, my brain is entirely not present.

i am leaving in a couple hours for a weekend trip to cinci with katie & heather! yaay for girlfriends.

- - -

for your entertainment. apparently my brother went to the doctor, and didn't like the idea of being told to wear a gown. so, gown + kevin = cape.



the poor kid has no idea i've seen this photo, much less have thrown it online, so to justify my doing so....



aw now see? he's a good lookin' kid. and, he likes to have fun.

+ blessed are the eyes that see what you see +

i updated my flickr profile, pretty much for the first time. it's been blank til now:

"i take photos because i never want to forget, and because i am passionate in seeing the best in everyone.

we have sight because he has given it to us; when we see as he sees our eyes are never bored.

'only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live.' - deut. 4.9


'daughter, look with your eyes and pay attention to everything i am going to show you, for that is why you have been brought here. tell everyone everything you see.' - eze. 40.4


'jesus put his hands on his eyes, and they were opened, his sight was restored, and he saw everything clearly.' - mark 8.25


'he turned to his disciples and said privately, 'blessed are the eyes that see what you see. ' ' - luke 10.23 "

- - -



[kristinworchphotoshootsomersetohio]

- - -

i can't seem to shake as cities burn this week.

it's not the cold making my legs shake,
it's someone i love being taken away.
a ghost taking his place in our hearts.

where inside he moves from room to room.
but sometimes he climbs my spine,
to remind my grieving head,
that in this way he hasn't left.

tell me I'm only dreaming.
tell me he's just sleeping.
and when morning comes,
we'll both wake up to see the sun,
and love that's enough

- - -

+ my new desktop background. +

+ bloody as hell +

- - -

"if you sat alone in a room for the rest of your life, just to talk to me, that would be Enough." - god.

- - -

this is a confession of my consuming desire to Do and Be more.

when jesus said, "it is finished," he meant it.

this is out of my hands, forever.

- - -



[kristinworchphotoshootsomersetohio]

- - -

if i make it to heaven
i may be as bloody as hell.
would you still take me?
i'm afraid that you might say,
"depart from me, i never knew you."

i'm in the wrong body.
i'm in the wrong body.
i'm in the wrong body.
i must have stumbled in.

all the love i want to give,
gets caught between every rib.
what does that make me?
i have good intentions,
but no exit for them to come out right through.

when i make it
to heaven
i will be as bloody as hell

- - -

+ remember we used to speak? +

i am always behind. more accurately, i always feel behind. i'm 21 and trying to beat a clock that doesn't exist. if i could live life with no measure of time, i believe this would be true freedom.

- - -

approximately two million people attended obama's inauguration. i have been fighting to see reality clearly recently, and this is reality:

remember we used to speak?
now i'm starting to think,
your voice was really my own,
bouncing off the ceiling back to me.

come down, heaven.
won't you come down?
won't you cut through the clouds?
won't you come down?

oh, my heaven, why do you have doors to close?
do you have clouds to stop his voice on the way down?

god, this can't be.
god, this can't be,
god, could it be that all we see is it?
is this it?

god, does grace reach to this side of madness?
'cause I know this can't be, the great peace we all seek.

did your clouds stop his voice? [contact/ascitiesburn]

- - -


ps. more of what god sees.

+ its almost time to go +

i would just like to tell everyone that yellow is a fabulous color. and for the first time ever, i think i just might admit that purple is too. man, i hate purple. i really, really do. and it just gets to me - so, so bad - when it looks good.

[ photos coming this evening ]

- - -

anthropologie's 'birthday book.' over the past weekend i bought a birthday book that's just 12 full pages, one for each month, with room to write all my friends + family's birthdays in. i bought this because i love writing letters and making cards, but i always forget birthdays. i also bought it because anthropologie ropes me into things like coffee table books and various household knickknacks.

so i sat down with a handful of colorful sharpies to attempt to fill my book. i wrote down my family's birthdays, and a couple best friends, and then was slammed with the thought, "wait, should the rest be in sharpie or in pencil?" i sat there for an hour, and have wrestled with this question literally for six days. i haven't put a single friend's birthday into that book.

thanks to this adorable green book, i have yelled at, cried at, and interrogated god nearly every day this week. i have questioned everything i'm doing and not doing; i have gone from completely sure of myself to knowing nothing. i've been restless and bored. i've hit ridiculous speeds in my car, i've set a hair appointment to drastically change my hair. i've said things that shocked myself more than the individual it was directed at. i've listened to music i swore i'd never listen to again. i bought a pack of parliaments. i've yelled at my mirror and changed eight times before leaving the house. i've taken late night walks in 13 ° weather and i despise the cold. and for the last 24 hours i've seriously contemplated quitting my job, selling everything and being a west coast bum for the next year of my life. and for those that know me, this truly is a possibility. [ i have, for sure, decided to not go to florida for a week and a half this summer, and go to california instead. ]

the long and short of it is, i realized that i view columbus, ohio and all of my relationships as temporary. i don't plan on having the majority of my friends around forever, or even for the next 10 years. they are surface level - even my deepest, closest relationships. this is a bizarre revelation for me. i truly do share and open myself up and build strong, strong relationships with phenomenal people, and yet i simply assume that i will wake up and they (or i) will be gone, and that will be that. my mind tells me that i do not need them; is it possible that my friends are expendable?

i also realize that this issue goes far beyond simply being in columbus, ohio. i am fearful that this mentality is inherant to myself, and affects all areas of my life. what has caused this? is it simply external or is it internal as well? how much? i know the external solution; what is the internal?

why am i so content with short-term relationships when long-term is what i desperately seek?

if anything, i have my confirmation. i am not staying here.

- - -

on a much lighter note, my car insurance just skyrocketed to $200 a month for my new car. apparently i can take a defensive driving course for $30 online and save myself 2% on insurance for the rest of my life. worth it?

- - -

honeymoon anette en ramon. i've never had the faintest idea where i wanted to go for my honeymoon until i stumbled across this. don't ask me how i find these things. i need to find "tonn d" - whoever he is - and ask him if he wouldn't mind having a second wife, or at least coaching my future fiance in planning a honeymoon trip for me. the fact that a man like this exists gives me great hope.

- - -

i just ordered two 450-checks-per-box boxes of these:



because i knew that everytime i wrote a check, it would be impossible not to burst out laughing.

+ ink +

i need a second skin
to fill with what i feel
just to last me til i'm done
with painting all my fears

i am terrified of permanence
and even moreso of regret
so can i have a second skin please
to shed when i must forget

i just need everything in stone
with the option of erase
cause expression's such a threat
to the facade of a higher place

+ first day of spring +

not really, we actually have fifteen more days until the official FDOS, but today is the first day it feels like it.

today, it will be 58 degrees.

i googled this, and interestingly enough, there is a wine bar & bistro in sacramento called 58° & holding. apparently they also rent out private, secured lockers to store your wine at 58°.

- - -

i babysat seven little kids/toddlers last night and it was probably the most relaxing thing i've done in months. i colored, i was darth vader & catwoman in one, threw a ridiculous dance party, and i read curious george + clifford books to my heart's content. i fixed hairbows and taught boys that it's not cool to chuck hot wheels at infants' heads from the top bunk. i was also asked, "are you a kid?" "are you a giant then?" and "why aren't you a mommy if you aren't a kid?" where do they come up with this stuff?

- - -

last night i made bbq chicken + steamed broccoli for dinner and it was probably one of the better meals i've had thus far in 2009.

- - -

today will be fabulous because...

+ 58 degree high, obviously.
+ i woke up at 6:30am and for some reason i love waking up early.
+ i am shooting kevin + dillon for a new brightlights set today, in the ghetto.
+ the shoot will be sweet.
+ kevin and dillon will be sweet.
+ orange juice and grapes for breakfast.
+ left over bbq chicken and broccoli for lunch!
+ im wearing yellow moccasins. (i've noticed my clothing directly affects my mood.)
+ i get paid mad bucks at midnight.

- - -

last night, brownberry bread was on sale. this makes me extremely happy. i rarely buy it, as its usually $4 a loaf, but it was buy one get one free! if you haven't tried it, try it. experiment with a french toast recipe, and you will never go back. i'm not talking the wimp version of brownberry, by the way. i'm talking the traditional, old-style, legitimate, straight up wheat bread:



- - -

bizarre new fact: reynolds & saran wrap have a lock function. say what?!



all you have to do is push in that little part right there ^. don't laugh if you knew this. oh how i wish i'd known this years ago; i could have escaped countless embarrassing moments as my foil or saran wrap rolled away from me at an ungodly speed.

- - -

coming soon...

+ pictures of my (new!!) car (sorry it's taken so long, everyone)
+ today's shoot
+ my thoughts on anthropologie's "birthday book"

+ a therapeutic post +

today i am beyond scattered, and don't have time to sit down and piece together a nice little package of a blog post. this will probably be edited a dozen times today as i attempt to pin my fleeting thoughts down to something faux-concrete.

- - -

i finally found honey cafe's website. hooray.



this was my favorite little restaraunt in glen ellyn - a northwest suburb of chicago near wheaton.

their cupcakes were adorable.



the flowers on the tables were beautiful.



- - -

today will be good because:

- god said something bizarre last night, & i will be figuring out all today what it means.
- i get off work at 4.30pm
- i am shipping a couple paintings i sold today
- i get to babysit a handful of little kidlets for joshua + natalie's marriage group tonight.
- the high today is 42 degrees yaay
- im wearing one of my favorite shirts. it has little giraffes all over it.
- im halfway thru the week
- i actually remembered to eat breakfast this morning, which makes for an all around better day
- deuteronomy is still pretty darn sweet, as i was reminded over my egg & pepperjack cheese sandwich + oj this morning.

- - -

note: all photos are best viewed full-size. this can be accomplished by merely clicking the photo. :]

+ march first, two-oh-oh-nine+

one reason i'm excited about march: i will be completing a series (possibly two) based on my robots. "my robots" being the big one...



and this little guy chillin' on my dresser:



yay.

- - -

i believe god gave us emotions to remind us that we have no control.

- - -

from heaven, the lord looks down and sees all mankind; from his dwelling place he watches, he forms the hearts of all, and considers everything they do.

we wait in hope for the lord; he is our help and our shield.

[ psalms 33 ]

- - -

second reason i'm excited about march: i planted three little pots of daisies and get to watch them grow!







i will keep track of their little lives as they grow on my kitchen windowsill!

- - -

for the first time in a very very long time, i know, again, and this time for good, exactly what i want.