Friday, March 6, 2009

+ its almost time to go +

i would just like to tell everyone that yellow is a fabulous color. and for the first time ever, i think i just might admit that purple is too. man, i hate purple. i really, really do. and it just gets to me - so, so bad - when it looks good.

[ photos coming this evening ]

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anthropologie's 'birthday book.' over the past weekend i bought a birthday book that's just 12 full pages, one for each month, with room to write all my friends + family's birthdays in. i bought this because i love writing letters and making cards, but i always forget birthdays. i also bought it because anthropologie ropes me into things like coffee table books and various household knickknacks.

so i sat down with a handful of colorful sharpies to attempt to fill my book. i wrote down my family's birthdays, and a couple best friends, and then was slammed with the thought, "wait, should the rest be in sharpie or in pencil?" i sat there for an hour, and have wrestled with this question literally for six days. i haven't put a single friend's birthday into that book.

thanks to this adorable green book, i have yelled at, cried at, and interrogated god nearly every day this week. i have questioned everything i'm doing and not doing; i have gone from completely sure of myself to knowing nothing. i've been restless and bored. i've hit ridiculous speeds in my car, i've set a hair appointment to drastically change my hair. i've said things that shocked myself more than the individual it was directed at. i've listened to music i swore i'd never listen to again. i bought a pack of parliaments. i've yelled at my mirror and changed eight times before leaving the house. i've taken late night walks in 13 ° weather and i despise the cold. and for the last 24 hours i've seriously contemplated quitting my job, selling everything and being a west coast bum for the next year of my life. and for those that know me, this truly is a possibility. [ i have, for sure, decided to not go to florida for a week and a half this summer, and go to california instead. ]

the long and short of it is, i realized that i view columbus, ohio and all of my relationships as temporary. i don't plan on having the majority of my friends around forever, or even for the next 10 years. they are surface level - even my deepest, closest relationships. this is a bizarre revelation for me. i truly do share and open myself up and build strong, strong relationships with phenomenal people, and yet i simply assume that i will wake up and they (or i) will be gone, and that will be that. my mind tells me that i do not need them; is it possible that my friends are expendable?

i also realize that this issue goes far beyond simply being in columbus, ohio. i am fearful that this mentality is inherant to myself, and affects all areas of my life. what has caused this? is it simply external or is it internal as well? how much? i know the external solution; what is the internal?

why am i so content with short-term relationships when long-term is what i desperately seek?

if anything, i have my confirmation. i am not staying here.

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on a much lighter note, my car insurance just skyrocketed to $200 a month for my new car. apparently i can take a defensive driving course for $30 online and save myself 2% on insurance for the rest of my life. worth it?

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honeymoon anette en ramon. i've never had the faintest idea where i wanted to go for my honeymoon until i stumbled across this. don't ask me how i find these things. i need to find "tonn d" - whoever he is - and ask him if he wouldn't mind having a second wife, or at least coaching my future fiance in planning a honeymoon trip for me. the fact that a man like this exists gives me great hope.

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i just ordered two 450-checks-per-box boxes of these:

because i knew that everytime i wrote a check, it would be impossible not to burst out laughing.

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