+ balance +

i am complete, satisfied, and indescribably content.
i am loved beyond comprehension in absolute permanence.
i will never know heartbreak here.

- - -

balance.

balance is something i constantly strive for, yet consistantly fail miserably in.
i am an all or nothing person, and i want to do everything. everything.
i want to love everyone, all the time.

[ i once had a shirt that said "i just want to make the whole world sing." i lost it during a move; i will owe a lifetime of favors to the person that finds me that shirt again. ]

this makes balance simultaneously beyond necessary and close to impossible.
i don't believe in half-assed tries, but my life is full of half-mastered interests.

[ sometimes i justify my half-mastered interests by the fact that i gave myself to it entirely for _____ amount of time. ]

my attempts have the backing of my whole heart, but i never cease to bite off more than i can chew.

i am a distracted, whole-hearted perfectionist.

i am trying to learn to be cautious in my bouts of excitement,
even though it feels completely wrong;
there is an overwhelming mass of joy somewhere inside of me,
and when things that i love pop into my life,
the dam breaks and that joy seems to flood over everything else.

[ water is life but floods kill. ]

i still want life en masse,
but i don't know how to break it down into pieces.
pieces that still propel the same intensity of joy,
but that do not flood me.

several months back when i was complaining/crying to god about this,
he said, "you will not change as time passes, you will simply be More."

it is so bittersweet when God confirms my weaknesses as part of who i rightly am.

- - -



this is nicholas. the most enjoyable human being to photograph. ever.