Pain: What I Learned From Depression, Grief & Brokenness.

It is just outrageous how much I've been growing. You know the first day you feel better after being horribly sick for awhile? You wake up and think, "MAN. I feel so GOOD." It's like that. I am in absolute awe of how good life is lately, and so grateful that God follows through on every single promise. My circumstances have not changed - but my heart has. I am proof that with God, all things are possible. Proof that faith reaps a great harvest beyond what we can expect or comprehend. Proof that healing is real, not just a code word for acceptance of your shit situation.

One of the things that has been breaking my heart lately is watching so many friends and beautiful people go through devastating loss, heartbreak, pain, confusion, betrayal, self-hatred and various struggles - and to offer no greater help than to say, "Go to God. He loves you more than you can ever grasp, and will heal every hurt and answer every question." Because I know that it is one of the hardest things in the world to decide to believe in the midst of all this that God will heal. God will comfort. That one day, we will get to the point where we are on the other side, and become grateful for the pain we went through. Yes, grateful.

Note: I say pain a lot in this post. What I am talking about is the heartwrenching, deepest ache, numbing, debilitating, lonely, hopeless, rock-bottom, can't move, can't function, have-no-one-to-go-to, can't breathe because your lungs are being crushed, utter desperation and despair type of pain. If you've been here, I am talking to you. I know pain.

We talk a lot about healing, about moving on. Growing up, 'getting over it.' By the time all of us go through about 20 years of life, let alone 30 or 40, we're like children that have been hit by trucks on the highway - broken bones, internal bleeding, psychological damage, permanent handicaps, lost limbs. We cannot help but talk about healing, and we operate through our injuries.

We learn to forgive the truck drivers, over and over and over. As we should. But healing? For this we must submit ourselves to the surgeon. We MUST put our bodies, minds and hearts under the lights on the operating table and say, "Fix me. Please, fix me. I cannot."

The last time I checked, surgery was never enjoyable. Stitches aren't fun. Having chunks of debris being picked out of your flesh is excruciating. Having bones re-set is pain upon pain.

But tell me this: Why do you not submit yourself to the one who can heal you?

I didn't, because I was terrified of learning to walk without my crutches. We grow to love what slows us down. I didn't, because I didn't trust a surgeon I couldn't see. I didn't, because it meant that I would have to lie still, and trust hands that I didn't understand. I didn't, because I thought I would get a cookie-cutter Christian treatment that didn't fit me and my unique pain. I didn't, because I thought I would die if I experienced more pain. I didn't, because I thought healing meant, "God will use this for good if you learn to live with this hurt." I didn't, because I didn't think God offered healing as the dictionary defines it: to make healthy, whole, or sound; restore to health; free from ailment.

I didn't, because I didn't want to be healed; without wounds. Because I wanted everyone to see what the truck had done to me. To remain injured and in pain meant that everyone would know - and when we are broken, we have a desperate need for others to know. To be validated in our pain. Because usually, those that hurt us are those we love, and consequently, those that hurt us are the ones that do not validate our pain - so we become living, walking messes of cognitive dissonance, silently begging for comfort from those who tell us that we either are not in pain or deserve to be in it. In my experience, I would accurately describe this as hell on earth.

I remember at a low point telling my friend Kelly, "I don't even want to be happy."

I have found that the greatest obstacle between us and God is pain.

Why? Because we are STILL like children in hospital. Crying, shaking, sobbing, and hiding...begging the nurse to not take us to the doctor, because he has needles, knives and scary looking tools. Operating rooms are terrifying.

An interesting thing about humans is that we never change from child into adult. It's not linear. We simply add to and expand ourselves, until one day the calendar says we are an adult. The core of us is still a child. In order to get ourselves to that operating table, we must either choose to believe (faith) the adult that tells us it is for our benefit, or be sedated and held down. Faith is being a child, and choosing to believe something that scares us because we do not know it.

Last night over dinner with Julie, we were talking about my family, and I explained how grateful I was for all the pain I'd been through. Why? Because I have learned to trust the surgeon. I have experienced some of the most difficult pain, and come out alive. I have a compassion and empathy and love for others in pain that will never leave, that has been anchored in the depths of my heart by pain. [ You know we rarely remember exactly what was said or done, but we always remember how it made us feel? Emotions carry a greater weight than specific words and actions. ] I am grateful for pain.

The greatest lesson I have learned through pain is the character of the surgeon.

I have learned that it is his nature to HEAL. His heart to LOVE. His way to COMFORT. His purpose to make us WHOLE.

The second greatest lesson I have learned through pain is to trust what He says over what I feel or know.

He WILL restore; nothing is beyond recovery or worthwhile purpose. He is not harsh, he is not rough, he is not a punishing or angry healer. He will never send you away because the pain is 'your fault.' The pain WILL lessen, and it lessens through patient, steady, often stupid-looking faith. It takes time, but we must hold out, and believe. It will come. It's a promise.

It is easier to trust a doctor with our bodies than with our hearts and minds, but I beg you to trust him.

But trust him wholly. His medicine, his procedures, his love, his way. We cannot half-ass healing, lest we end up worse than where we started. Always go back to him. When it starts to hurt, go to him. Again. And again. And again. When it doesn't make sense, go back to him. When you freak out again, go back to him. When the result doesn't look how you thought it would, go back to him. Always go back to him.

And there is no guilt or shame in asking him for painkillers along the way. But his painkillers, not ours.

I have glimpsed the other side, and it is good.

- - -

"This is what the Lord says:

Your wound is incurable; your injury beyond healing. There is no one to plead your case, no remedy for your wounds, no healing for you. All your allies have forgotten you; they care nothing for you. But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds, declares the Lord. Because you are called an outcast for whom no one cares. I will restore life to you and have compassion on you, a city will be rebuilt on your ruins,and the palace will stand in it's proper place." Jeremiah 30

It was I who taught her to walk, taking her by the arms; but she did not realize it was I who healed her. I led her with cords of human kindness, with ties of love; I lifted the yoke from her neck and bent down to feed her. - Hosea 11:3-4

I will restore to you the years the locusts have eaten. - Joel 2:25

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. - Jeremiah 29:13

+ love bomb for rachel +

Hey everyone. :)

Most of you know that I run a little organization/deal thing called Love Bomb. It's really simple. Every Thursday the entire team comes together to "drop a love bomb" on one blogger who really needs encouragement. Really really really needs encouragement.

Today's Love Bomb mission is a 17 year old girl named Rachel. I'd love for all of you to help participate in this - it only takes 5 minutes, and it drastically changes someone's entire life.

Rachel lost her dad and ever since has dealt with eating disorders, and is struggling through life without him. Her mom avoids serious conversations with her and she is afraid to get help. She's in counseling, which is wonderful - but we all know how irreplaceable personal words of encouragement are.

In one of her recent posts, she bullet-pointed a list of things she had to show for nearly being 18:

- I drink too much
- I have social anxiety
- I'm failing school
- I'm ugly
- I'm fat
- I can't even get the courage to meet my own sister
- I lack the energy to even fake happiness
- I have recurring thoughts of self-harm
- I keep relapsing into "disordered eating behaviours"

In her last post, the one we'll be commenting on, she ends with,

"What I need is some inspiration. I need someone I admire to tell me every thing's going to be alright. That they believe in me. That I'm not the fat failure I think I am. - unfortunately I can't see that happening any time before it's too late, if it's not already too late."

Alright guys. We ARE Rachel's inspiration, encouragement, love, and support. It's time to tell her how beautiful and valuable she is. I want to blow her away.

To comment on her blog, go here: http://whatyouneverknewaboutme.blogspot.com/2010/08/get-motivated.html

- - -

If you want to do this with me every Thursday, put your name and email address here:

+ an artist going blind, and a challenge. +

Yesterday we dropped a Love Bomb on Laura. She is an art journalism student and an oil painter, and she is slowly going blind. I am still choked up about this. Maybe it's that she's dealing with my greatest fear, maybe that she's an art student like me, maybe it's simply that she's an absolutely gorgeous young woman losing her ability to see beautiful things. Maybe I'm still stumbling over her gracious humility in having to take the bus, and shower with her eyes closed.

Regardless, reading Laura's blog yesterday reminded me how temporary this world is, and called me out on the unworthy weight I give to what I see.

Laura, this is a thank you for being faithful. You get it. You understand the world, your Maker, your purpose. It takes most of us a lifetime to come to this place, and I would argue that you see things more clearly than we do.

- - -

To the rest of you, the world needs you. I have a challenge. Who are you leading? Who is behind you? Who has acted out this week because you challenged them? There are hundreds of thousands more people like Laura that are in desperate need of encouragement and the strength of a community behind them.

Can you say you're doing your part?

Today, I ask you to find a project to expand. Be responsible for growing an established movement. Love Bomb is one of these movements, and there are others. Operation Beautiful is one that we will be partnering with for next week's Love Bomb Mission. There are plenty.

If you want to help grow Love Bomb, comment or shoot me an email (laurennicolelove@gmail.com). There are easy, easy ways to go one step further and drastically expand the reach of our Love Bombs within minutes. I am more than happy to give you the suggestions and tools.

Please, don't be passive. When something tugs at your heartstrings, re-blog it. Re-tweet it. Share the fan page on Facebook with your friends. Forward an email. Tell someone. 2010 has made it easy for you.

I love you all - thank you again, Love Bomb team, for all that you've done.

+ saying things that need to be said +

This post is for my brother, Kevin. I've been spending so much time lately reminding the whole world to love more, and I don't want to miss out on the love I personally need to get out in the open. :)

There are very few people that you can be 100% yourself around, swinging wildly back and forth from sobbing with laughter from years old inside jokes to somber life confessions, and then right back to more laughter triggered by something communicated just by your eyes. Kevin is one of these people for me, and I love him dearly.

Kevin: There is nothing I treasure more than you. Your friendship and brotherhood and heart are three things absolutely invaluable to me. You can consider yourself one of my closest friends, and nothing makes me more excited than to anticipate having this with you for the rest of our lives. I have more fun with you than with any other guy I know. I love how outrageously excited you are to see me every single time; there are few feelings better than knowing your presence is truly wanted. I am so proud of you for your diligence, your faith, your excitement, your sense of humor, your desire to be the best that you can, your generosity that puts everyone to shame, and your love for others. I have prayed one thing for you, consistently, and that is that you would seek Love over all else. Seeing that prayer be answered brings me so much happiness.

Watching the way you have treated past girlfriends constantly challenges and reminds me to never settle; I have yet to meet someone that treats his girl as well as you do. I notice every single time you sacrifice something for me, hold a door open for me, protect me from something, or go out of your way to make me laugh. The wisdom that comes out of your mouth when you seek God never fails to surprise me and bless me. I have witnessed the love of Jesus in you, and I wish there were words to explain how thankful I am for how you have loved me. You have kept my head above water many, many times. I have also witnessed an supernatural humility in you as you have sought to apologize and reconcile relationships with your friends; you will never know how much I respect you for this.

You have had life harder than most for an 18 year old, and yet you are still one of the happiest people I know. I hate watching the downswings, when you feel like giving up, and feel as though you cannot see any reward for your hard work. I can see it. It is one of the most painful things to watch for me, and I would give anything for your daily life to be easier for you. Please know that I help you as much as I can. You are resilient. Remember that. Never forget that your worth comes from who you are, and not just what you do. I have watched you grow stronger and wiser and more balanced over the last several months, and I am so proud of you for this. I respect you for your overwhelming desire and effort to be a good man. You have an incredible heart, and I consider you as one of my greatest gifts - life without you is something I can't imagine.

Love love love!

- Big Sis

+ join the love bomb team. NOW. +

Alright, everyone. The time has come.

For the last several months I have been (somewhat) holding my tongue about a new project I am very, very excited to be a part of. And I want ALL of you guys to participate.

I have been working with Nate at ItStartsWith.Us on the Love Bomb project, and this week is the big release. The concept is simple. We change the lives of those desperately needing hope, love, care, & encouragement - together, once a week, for five minutes.

We are all busy, I know this. But the next time someone asks you what you're doing with your life, I bet your answer isn't "cleaning up," "going grocery shopping" or "sitting at a desk." I know that all of you want something More.

A homeless man asked me a couple days ago what my life objective was, and without hesitation I replied, "to love people." It's taken me a long time to get here. To the place where that is my default answer, where it comes naturally. Yes I want to get married, yes I want to live where I want to live, there are activities and careers that I dream about. But what do I want to do with my life? Love people.

And it's a genuine fight to fit what you're doing with your life into your daily routine.

This is why I'm pouring a good chunk of every day into Love Bomb, and why I am the new Team Leader for the project. I want to help you fit what you truly care about into your daily or weekly routine. So please, put your name and email into the little box below, and every week when you get the email linking you to someone who desperately needs to be reminded that that love is real, take 5 minutes to do something about it. I want to see all of you grow into the place where you are content to simply respond, "I want to love people" when you are asked what you're doing with your life.

Come on guys, you are bloggers. This is what we do. We comment to show our love.

website | @dropalovebomb

Follow us on Tumblr, on Twitter, and subscribe below to the once-a-week mission emails.

And welcome to the Love Bomb Team. :)

- lauren xoxo
@laurenlankford

+ this is what he's for +

so often i feel like the child
that is
sitting on the ground waiting patiently
for my daddy
to finish building my bridge
so i can get across the river
while i'm laughed at by the neighbor boy
that taunts me for needing
someone else's help
and brags
that he doesn't need HIS
daddy's help
because he is big enough
grown up enough
to do it himself now.
and it hurts.
and i sit
and stare at my hands
and wonder if maybe
maybe
i'm just too small,
not enough.
but then i realize,
as i tiptoe across my new bridge
made just for me
that the neighbor boy is still
stranded
because he can't find long and strong
enough sticks
and everything keeps
breaking
despite all his efforts
indeed more effort than my own
and that on top of this
he is alone.
and it hurts.
and all i want to do
is go back
and take him by the hand
and kiss him on the forehead
and walk him across my bridge
and say it's okay,
this
this is what daddies are for.

+ sick for what i've lost +

- - -
i don't know which i like best.

+ ache. +

"Time heals all wounds. It does not heal love."

---

flickr: flickr.com/lauren_nicole

---

Europe may have picked me up off the floor, but it stole from me the romantic innocence I took for granted and now long for in the presence of the cynicism, uncertainty, and jadedness that flew home with me. I am bereft of such naïveté and mourn it's loss. But I'm trying.

---

this writing was stolen from madison over at her blog. i hope she doesn't mind. read her a bit. she's wonderful. and now, i'm off to find coffee. oh and ps. i went to an estate auction this weekend and got so many pretty things. pictures soon. yay. annnd p.p.s. i also re-organized all my links over there --> by category so it's easier for you to find the pretty things you want most! xoxo

+ hearts +

Who gives his heart away too easily must have a heart
under his heart. -James Richardson

---

more photos of kristin here.

---

The heart under your heart
is not the one you share
so readily so full of pleasantry
& tenderness

it is a single blackberry
at the heart of a bramble
or else some larger fruit
heavy the size of a fist

it is full of things
you have never shared with me
broken engagements bruises
& baking dishes

the scars on top of scars
of sixteen thousand pinpricks
the melody you want so much to carry
& always fear black fear

or so I imagine you have never shown me
& how could I expect you to
I also have a heart beneath my heart
perhaps you have seen or guessed

it is a beach at night
where the waves lap & the wind hisses
over a bank of thin
translucent orange & yellow jingle shells

on the far side of the harbor
the lighthouse beacon
shivers across the black water
& someone stands there waiting

CRAIG ARNOLD

+ stop. +

So, I usually don't post too many photos of other photographers' work, but I stumbled across this and sat and stared at it for probably a solid four minutes. If it makes me think that hard, I should probably share it with you.

, originally uploaded by .neha..

Thank you, neha, for sharing.

+ here to stay. +

---

more of this photo here.

---

the danger of a broken heart is not the pain.
not the tears, or anger.
not the ache, not the loneliness,
not the quiet, the empty seat, the bed now much too big.

the danger of a broken heart is what we have to repair it with.
mistrust, hopelessness, faux comfort.
independence.
the oaths we take. what we swear to ourselves.
the danger is self-reliance.

the danger is that these stitches in our heart don't fall out.
that they are there to stay.
because they must.

the danger is that we know it isn't about love anymore.
and,
it isn't about how perfect we are in our world.
it's about how perfect we are in theirs.

the danger is that two became one.
and a half of one...
well.

half is not whole.

but now we must make it so.

+ this is how i feel today. +

+ ugh. +

how
do
you
love
someone



when
five
minutes
on
the
phone



makes
you
so
angry



and
so
hurt



you
almost
black
out

+ i am not dead. yet. +

I can't believe how long it's been since I've blogged. Or done anything online.

I've been working on taking care of my own life before attempting to do anything else. My flickr watchers are getting annoyed, and my friends are wondering where I've been. My etsy shop hasn't been updated in weeks, and I feel as if I've just generally sucked at spitting anything of worth out.

I'm tired of the high highs and low lows. I hate that last night it was the end of the world, and that this morning everything is beyond fabulous. But thank goodness that my God is my rock, and my foundation, my deliverer, my shield and my stronghold. (Ps. 18.2) I may be a highly caffeinated, sleep deprived, prescription-hormone-altered, over-extended and confused female in my early twenties, but I can always sit down and know what I'd still have if I lost everything, even my sanity.

Good things:

- I just purchased a new macbook pro. :)
- I am buying an alienbees b800 this week.
- I just found out OSU is paying me to go back to school this fall. It won't cost me a cent.
- I am signing a lease on an adorable house tonight.
- I have really, really good friends.
- Only 16 more days til my 2 week vacation in Seattle.
- Next month my best friend and I will be living in the same city for the first time in over 3 years.
- I just got free coffee.
- I am a third of the way done with my love + 100 strangers project.
- I am still loved. Still.
- And I am still consumed with love.

Love is complete trust. Love is willing to be vulnerable. Love is no secrets. Love is enjoying someone's presence, and saying nothing. Love is being a wife, a mother, and a grandmother. Love is the reason for our existence.

+ i will have this read at my wedding. +

Because you will be safe in marriage, you can risk; because you have been promised a future, you can take extraordinary chances. Because you know you are loved, you can step beyond your fears; because you have been chosen, you can transcend your insecurities. You can make mistakes, knowing the other will be there to catch you. And because mistakes and risks are the very essence of change, of expansion, in marriage you will expand to your fullest capacity. Within the shelter of marriage, you will continue to grow and develop, so you can discover your individual paths and offer your gifts back to each other and the world. Marriage, then, makes you free-to see, to be seen, to love.

thank you to kyla

+ love and monsters. +

oh. my. goodness.

i am now in love with jason edward davis.

hmm...i will be in portland in a few weeks; he'd better watch out...

this boy is headed back to school and clearing out his studio. how he is letting these adorable postcards and paintings go for so little, i do not know! please go browse his shop, spent $5 or $10 (or more) to get some adorable things, and follow him on twitter.

+ on love +

everyone, everyone, should go look at le love and add it to their blogroll.

- - -

"i remember my heart beating 50 miles an hour and wondering how i could sit there in his arms and feel so comfortable, like my heart wasn't completely broken inside of me and my life hadn't fallen around me months before.

(...)

though, that didnt stop us, we spent at least three hours every day texting eachother after that, and not the cute best friend things we use to say but cute i miss you i love yous your amazing sort of things that we loved.

(...)

we are in love, i am sure of it, he's told me he's in love with me every day since the first time he said it. he told me he'd remind me every day for the rest of our lives.

(...)

i promise i'll never hurt him.

(...)

i'm 17 and in love."

- - -

[ read the whole story here. ]

+ i am a lady. write me a love letter. +

"You are well! You think of me! You will always love me. I believe you: now I am happy. I live again. How impatiently I waited for your letter! I am sure my hands trembled when opening it. My countenance changed; my voice altered. I was just at that moment about to send you a letter expressing my great uneasiness. While you are amusing yourself, you forget how much my heart suffers...

Adieu, my dearest love. My affection for you is ardent and sincere. I would love you even more than I do, if I knew how."

- written to Sophie Volland, Au Grandval, Oct 20, 1759 by Denis Diderot

- - -

this print now available for sale on my etsy shop.

+ crush, fantasy, and survivorman +

and dearest, can you

tell, I am trying

to love you less.

from ada limon's crush.

- - -

i miss my fantasy land, so, i'm going back.

- - -

Here’s a fact: Some people want to live more

Than others do.

from sherman alexie's survivorman.

+ what i want this week +

quiet.
silence.
peace.
air.
thought.
stillness.

- - -

one of my favorite quotes on love. i used to post this everywhere, and haven't thought of it in a very long time:

"Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable." [c.s. lewis]

- - -

You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.”