+ okay life, you win. +

Well, I hope you all are ready for some honesty here.

I'm falling apart.

Which is odd, because I should be used to it by now, but what I'm not used to is bawling when strangers ask me if I need help finding where I'm going, or coming home, sitting down on my bed and crying because I'm too tired to take my shoes off. I'm not used to crying over a scripted MTV show within the first 60 seconds of my five minutes watching while I inhale my cereal if I remember to eat breakfast. Having zero control of my emotions is new. I'm also scared that my heart keeps skipping beats when I'm a healthy 21 (okay I'll be 22 in about a week, but still) year old, and that I've struggled to keep food down over the last four days because I instantly get sick as soon as I eat. I know I'm doing too much. Enough people have told me, and I believe it now. I've finally adjusted myself to the fact that too much CAN be too much, and that I can't do everything.

So, now I get to make decisions.

And I suck at making decisions. Because making decisions means knowing what you're chasing. And chasing something means not chasing other things, and focusing on certain things means not focusing on others. It means acknowledging that you will close doors, and choose to miss out on opportunities. I've described myself as an ADHD perfectionist, which basically means have chronic stress, hehe. I throw myself into new interests left and right, but won't be happy unless I can do them all well. I also seem to have an inordinate amount of compassion - and I'm not quite sure it's the healthy kind. When I see a hurting person, or an imperfect situation, I can't rest until I've done all I can to make it better. And if I can't, it eats and eats and eats at me, and usually makes me physically sick.

So, right now I'm working 40 hours a week, taking 16 credit hours at OSU (and have all A's so far, thank you), balancing some of the most draining & challenging family issues out there, still adjusting to learning how to not have parents to talk to, taking care of and supporting my 17 year old brother, and trying to appease my craving for photography, painting, making jewelry, decorating my house, web & graphic design, cooking, and on and on. [sidenote: my heart has skipped four times since starting this post - should I be worried?] All of the weight has been placed on my shoulders for every relationship within my family, and it's set up for me to lose, and be at fault or responsible, for everything. I'm only a daughter, and a sister, and these are two roles I haven't been able to experience for 6+ years.

I don't know if my major (comparative studies) is actually what I want to do. I don't know if I should justify switching back to an art program for school. And I don't know if I should quit my job so that I can ACTUALLY learn what I'm going to school for and be able to sleep and make friends and study abroad and eat food and all of those some-fun-some-necessary things. And go back to being an honors student and make use of the mind God blessed me with. And honestly, I don't even know if I want to be in the States right now. There is a really strong argument for me needing to get out and get away and see the world while I can - and I could, if I wanted, and if I tried.

I have no idea what I'm good enough at to bother pursuing. Just because I can handle a camera or a needle and thread or paint my walls or put words on paper a little bit better than the average person that's never had the time or desire to try does not mean (to me) that I should pursue a field in that. I don't know who to ask, or how to begin to decide what I want.

Oh, and did I mention I'm lonely? And terrified of being needy and emotional and the girl with daddy issues? Because that's who I am right now.

Help.

- - -

I also just realized, this moment, that I have trouble publically admitting that I'm not doing well, because in the past it has been used against me as an attack of my worth, and proof that it's a consequence of my sin, or that I can't make it through life without unnamed person(s). You know what I have to say to that? To hell with you for making me believe that, and for still holding it over me. My God tells me otherwise.

- - -

Oops almost forgot.
This is the newest photo from my four30 project. Isn't it cute?
A vintage necklace I found with a unicorn engraved in it.
One of my favorite necklaces ever.

+ four30 project +

new photos for the four30 project.

just something fun i'm doing for myself, instead of a 365, and no other reason. new pictures added to it this week:

+ fridaaaay +

so missy over at ohmissyme tagged me and some other ladies to fill this out. i hardly ever do these, but figured hey, it's friday. i will. enjoy reading. [thank you missy, you're a doll!]

1. Where is your cell phone: on my desk, on my mousepad, so that when it buzzes my co-workers don't freak out.
2. Your hair: long-haired brunette. bangs today, actually.
3. Your mother: is where i get my smile from.
4. Your father: is where i get my love of reading from.
5. Your favorite food: pita and hummus, probably.
6. Your dream from last night: odd things. always such odd things.
6. Your favorite drink: lemonade. or a peppermint mocha.
7. Your dream/goal: to never stop loving, creating, or exploring.
8. What room are you in: office at work.
9. What is your hobby: making whatever i need, thrifting, painting, drawing, going on walks, piano, reading, graphic design, writing, photography.
10. What is your fear: wasting time & opportunities i can't get back. missing out.
11. Where do you want to be in 6 years: at peace.
12. Where were you last night: saving darling kristin from boys, playing with her precious kittens and eating her muffins. oh, and studying.
13. Something you are not: sure of what i'm doing.
14. Muffins: lovelovelove.
15. Wish list items: more time outside, quieter friends.
16. Where did you grow up: florida & alabama
17. Last thing you did: went to the park & took pictures on my lunchbreak.
18. What are you wearing: bumming today! jeans and asu hoodie.
19. Your TV: i don't watch tv.
20. Your pets: i miss my puppy. :(
21. Your friends: there are too many, hehe.
22. Your life: is full of revelations about how badly i succeed at doing what i want.
23. Your mood: antsy and ready to get off work.
24. Missing someone: yes. always.
25. Vehicle: is surprisingly clean on the outside, but needs a carwash. :( anyone?
26. Something you’re not wearing: shoes.
27. Your favorite store: anthropologie.
28. Your favorite color: i do not believe in favorite colors.
29. When’s the last time you laughed: a few minutes ago.
30. When’s the last time you cried: this morning.
31. Your best friend: finally lives in the same state as me as of last month. YES.
32. One place you go over and over: the past.
33. One person who emails me regularly: lydia.
34. Favorite place to eat: fez, jeni's, lux, or anywhere i haven't tried.

- - -

in other news, i'm trying to figure out how to combine everything i want to do and know into a major, or at least a double major. or maybe a double major with a double minor. to hell with it, i'll just be in school my whole life.

- - -

update on the four30 project is coming this weekend. i am loving it.

- - -

cutest picture of my LIFE.

+ change. i can do it. +

tomorrow:

- work, to pay my bills.
- buy a moleskine, to keep my brain in one place.
- pumpkin festival with kristin and lydia, to enjoy my life.
- FMRSM 260 homework, to be responsible.
- photos of fall, because it is what i love.


this is all that is on my list, because i am trying to keep it simple.

new project here: four30.

+ it's fall +

thanks to feeling sick and just generally down yesterday morning, i left work early and decided to just 'have a good day.' instead of working on my to-do list, i just did my best to enjoy the incredible weather. amazingly enough, i found a beautiful antique desk for my room on my walk through the short north (item on my to-do list), finished my homework (another item) at an amazing new little coffee shop i found (travonna) and listened to my friend joey & some other boys play some acoustic sets while i worked! i also took some photos just for fun (third item on that list) on that walk that i took. i'm starting to get along with columbus. i've resolved to take half days off at least once a week for the rest of the year. or, indefinitely. i feel like a new person, and like my life is back.

here are some of the pretty things i saw yesterday, including a picture of yours truly. :)

+ this is what he's for +

so often i feel like the child
that is
sitting on the ground waiting patiently
for my daddy
to finish building my bridge
so i can get across the river
while i'm laughed at by the neighbor boy
that taunts me for needing
someone else's help
and brags
that he doesn't need HIS
daddy's help
because he is big enough
grown up enough
to do it himself now.
and it hurts.
and i sit
and stare at my hands
and wonder if maybe
maybe
i'm just too small,
not enough.
but then i realize,
as i tiptoe across my new bridge
made just for me
that the neighbor boy is still
stranded
because he can't find long and strong
enough sticks
and everything keeps
breaking
despite all his efforts
indeed more effort than my own
and that on top of this
he is alone.
and it hurts.
and all i want to do
is go back
and take him by the hand
and kiss him on the forehead
and walk him across my bridge
and say it's okay,
this
this is what daddies are for.

+ c.s. lewis +

A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word 'darkness' on the walls of his cell.

I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.

Miracles are a retelling in small letters of the very same story which is written across the whole world in letters too large for some of us to see.

If I discover within myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.

+ question: why are we an aesthetic people? +

bloggers: i'm sure you've stumbled on someone's blog and left it before reading anything because the design instantly discredited anything they had to say.

web designers: i'm sure you've gotten so fed up with horrendous fonts and layouts that you decided it wasn't worth even digging around a site to find what you want.

bookworms: i'm sure you've passed up hundreds of books because the cover art looked like it was designed in paint.

musicians: i'm sure you've clicked off a myspace page before you got 10 seconds into their default song because their layout screamed either buttrock or isuckattheinternet.

and everyone: i'm sure you've never spoken to someone or not considered a friendship because they just didn't look how you want your friends to look.


if i'm being painfully honest, i am guilty of all these things. but for some reason, only the last causes a consciencious twinge in the core of your heart. and it should. or should it?

isn't this all the same? isn't this simply judging the value of content by the quality of the visual?

why is it justified in every single area, with the exception of people?

this is something that is clearly built into us, and i'm sorry, but it is not a symptom of our culture. yes, society places too high of value on the surface, but that is only pushing a few steps further what already is by nature. so,

why are we such an aesthetic people?

if beauty is found only in the eye of the beholder, and if you should never judge a book by its cover, and if looks and brains rarely come in the same package, why do we always choose the aesthetically pleasing over the not?

- - -

look in these eyes
we know each other like our own skin and bones
we know the scars,
how they got where they are,
in places no one else knows.

I'll watch you falling from me
when you hit the ground maybe you'll see
the only way to fall is down
and I'll be up in the stars
but I'll be anywhere you are
just say you need me and I'll come down

- - -

today's playlist [perfect fall music]:
swimming with dolphins, lily allen, lydia, the maine, myriad, sleeping at last, copeland, as cities burn, edison glass, i can make a mess like nobody's business, death cab for cutie, brightlights, carolina liar

+ sick for what i've lost +

- - -
i don't know which i like best.

+ weekend finds. +

lots of thrifting, rummage sales, and fun surprises this weekend. i would do this every day of my life if i could.

*a lot of people have asked how i got this lighting/coloring for this photo. i used my 580ex and bounced it off the ceiling. in LR2 i bumped up the clarity, vibrance, shadows, recovery and exposure, and bumped down the saturation a bit.

i also stole a nice little piece of wood from a neighbor's trash bin on yesterday's walk and started to hang up some of the necklaces i've been working on.



close up...



- - -

okay, more to come soon. sleep time.

- - -

p.s. i drew this for lydia this evening...we laughed, thought i'd share:

+ flowers. +

nicholas made these for me. i love them, so i thought i would share. :)
*edit: this isn't showing, so until i get home and can fix it, you can view them here.

- - -

i wish my wall looked like this:

and my room looked like this:

and my closet looked like this:

i will make it happen.

- - -

I wish we could open our eyes
To see in all directions at the same time
Oh what a beautiful view
If you were never aware of what was around you
And it is true what you said
That I live like a hermit in my own head
But when the sun shines again
I'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in.

Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown

Your love is gonna drown

- - -
these are beautiful.

+ growing. +

i want to be the girl that makes everything beautiful simply by being present.

+ sneak peek: new jewelry line +

so, i'm making jewelry/pretty things again. i'm a lot more excited for this than normal, which means i'll probably be slacking on 90% of the rest of my life. but, that's okay. i apologize for the horrible photos - i'm excited to take some with natural light within the next couple days (it's been challenging as i leave before the sun comes up and come home after the sun goes down). anyhow, the line will be listed on etsy for purchase within the month.

---

nothing was ever beautiful for you.

+ what are you doing with your life? +

I think everyone should read this post, from ChelseaTalksSmack.

My back up plan? I don't have a f*cking back up plan, because when you things get hard, which they always do- in any profession, that "back up plan" BECOMES the plan. It's a cowardly way of giving up.

the rest is here...

---

"Seeing our lives as contributing to a valued larger whole is one of the things that gives them a point in our own eyes. The morally good person cares about the goodness of what happens in the world and not just about the goodness of his own actions. If a right action can be seen as contributing to some great good, that increases the importance it has for him. Conversely, if he thinks that things will turn out badly no matter what he does, and especially if he thinks that the long-range effects of right action are about as likely to be bad as good, that will diminish the emotional attraction that duty exerts on him. Having to regard it as very likely that the history of the universe will not be good on the whole, no matter what one does, seems apt to induce a cynical sense of futility about the moral life, undermining one's moral resolve and one's interest in moral considerations." - Robert Merrihew Adams b.1937

+ ache. +

"Time heals all wounds. It does not heal love."

---

flickr: flickr.com/lauren_nicole

---

Europe may have picked me up off the floor, but it stole from me the romantic innocence I took for granted and now long for in the presence of the cynicism, uncertainty, and jadedness that flew home with me. I am bereft of such naïveté and mourn it's loss. But I'm trying.

---

this writing was stolen from madison over at her blog. i hope she doesn't mind. read her a bit. she's wonderful. and now, i'm off to find coffee. oh and ps. i went to an estate auction this weekend and got so many pretty things. pictures soon. yay. annnd p.p.s. i also re-organized all my links over there --> by category so it's easier for you to find the pretty things you want most! xoxo

+ wishlist+

I never make wishlists. Ever. For a whole lot of reasons. But today I'm making one. It's a really short one, but still. Here it is. The end.

+ hearts +

Who gives his heart away too easily must have a heart
under his heart. -James Richardson

---

more photos of kristin here.

---

The heart under your heart
is not the one you share
so readily so full of pleasantry
& tenderness

it is a single blackberry
at the heart of a bramble
or else some larger fruit
heavy the size of a fist

it is full of things
you have never shared with me
broken engagements bruises
& baking dishes

the scars on top of scars
of sixteen thousand pinpricks
the melody you want so much to carry
& always fear black fear

or so I imagine you have never shown me
& how could I expect you to
I also have a heart beneath my heart
perhaps you have seen or guessed

it is a beach at night
where the waves lap & the wind hisses
over a bank of thin
translucent orange & yellow jingle shells

on the far side of the harbor
the lighthouse beacon
shivers across the black water
& someone stands there waiting

CRAIG ARNOLD