+ Life Update. +

So, just a little update. My blog has been changing & I've been writing a bit more than usual. It's been really fun to watch it evolve over the last year or two, bouncing around from photography, inspiration, poetry, creative writing, cosmetics reviews, thoughts, life updates, projects, and pretty much everything under the sun.

It's still evolving, and I'm not sure I'll ever have a clear-cut style on here, but I wanted to ask all of you what you'd like to see more of. What do you guys miss, and what would you like to see? How have you felt about the writing? I love conversation - let's talk. :)

I'll be writing with Max over at MakeItMad in February and I'm really excited for that! If you haven't checked him out, please do.

Next week I'll be heading to Blissdom in Nashville with some of the greatest people to hang out, speak, and kick some Love Bomb butt. Let me know if you'll be there! I want to say hi and give you a hug!

I've also been digging Kaleigh Somers - one of the more talented female writers I've come across lately. She's a sweetheart.

My most recent blog posts have been pretty intense, and I've thrown my heart and mind into writing them. If you missed them, you can check out Mastering Life in 2011: The New, Sexy 1950's Culture, Branding Your Life: Welcome To The Internet, Your Jokes Suck: Why I Won't Date You, and Losing Everything.

I have a button for my blog now too. Several people have asked me for one, and I finally got around to it! I'd be honored if you took a moment to copy the code over and link to me on your blog. It's right heeeeerreee:



<center><a href="http://laurennicolelove.blogspot.com/"><img border="0" src="http://laurennicolelove.com/button.jpg" /></a></center>

I started a photo blog, which has been a long time coming. Here are some of my newer photos, and go follow my photo blog if you'd like to keep tabs on what I'm doing with photography!











Much love, everyone. I've been bit by the fashion bug this month, so prepare yourselves for a little more estrogen & glitter than normal! Twitter or Liked my fan page yet?

+ Mastering Life In 2011: The New, Sexy 1950's Culture +

Today I have something very short and sweet to say:

The secret to just about everything is getting outside of yourself.

What do I mean by 'getting outside of yourself?' I just mean slowing down your brain and paying attention to the people around you. Putting a hold on your personal goals, and asking who needs help with theirs. Making a sacrifice so that someone else can get what they've been waiting for. Going over to your Mom's house instead of sending her a message on Facebook.

Over the last couple of decades, we've become a very individualized society. Words like 'family' and 'community' aren't dropped too much anymore when discussing life decisions. The idea of still being friends at 25 or 30 with the kid you met on the playground when you were 5? That's obsolete for 9 out of 10 people. With the traditional media explosion (radio, television, and eventually the Internet), culture shifted from what immediately surrounded you in your daily life to something that's worldwide, and people then had their pick of what culture they wanted to adhere to. Through traditional media, we all got grouped into the humanity movement. And, true to human nature, we rebelled by 'standing out,' 'being unique,' 'embracing diversity' and 'doing me.' (I could elaborate much more on the symptoms of individualism, but that's for later, and not quite the point of this.)

Then came what I lovingly refer to as Teh Soshal Mediaz. Thanks to social media, we've suddenly become a relational generation again. Sure, it looks wildly different from the 1950's, but I think we're finally realizing that we might have thrown the baby out with the bathwater when we raced to put our careers first, let go of some pretty significant family values, and when "doing me" became the epitome of Cool.

Even if you don't use social media, that's okay. It's changing your world for you, and you didn't even have to Like any Facebook fan pages. There's been an outrageous rush in even the last 365 days to raise awareness, build online communities, use Twitter to strengthen local non-profits, bring philanthrophy to the corporate world, interact personally with customer groups, and elevate the importance of sincere relationships.

We've even gotten so far as to have a man we call Doctor Love (Paul Zak) do extensive studies to prove that Oxytocin, the cuddle chemical, is triggered by things like a positive Facebook status comment. In the same way a bearhug from your best friend does. The significance? The corporate world is now anticipating that in the near future, their worth will be primarily measured not by their profit margins, but in customer relationships and their trust factor. Yes, people. Social capital is more valuable than money in the bank.

This has left us scrambling to figure out how to best gain this social capital. And it's so, so easy. The secret is getting outside of yourself.

What does this mean for you? It means that we finally have proof that putting others first is the best way for the world to work. It means that engaging in a sincerely interested manner with the person at the drive-thru gives you an amazingly good return on your 5 minute investment. It means that putting a sticky note on your dashboard reminding you to focus on others, and not yourself, will actually increase your standard of living. It means that the whole purpose of social media is to be social: "marked by friendly companionship with others."

But, there's a catch. Being driven by love isn't something you can fake. Even behind a creative Twitter handle, intricate philanthropic blog network, or super cute profile photo, people can tell fairly quickly what your motive is. Most people who are paying attention can skim a blog, and after 10 minutes, give you a fairly educated guess on what that blogger's definition of success is.

I want this to be a challenge to you. Make a conscious decision to put other people's interests above your own. When you go through the drive-thru, stop thinking about your next destination long enough to realize that a real human being is serving you. And when you jump on Twitter and half-skim a couple hundred tweets as your type yours up, pay attention to who needs a little extra love that day.

Success isn't complicated, you guys. Fight the urge to be ruled by the numbers game and to be 'doing me', and let's go back to our 1950's roots - where family and community take priority in our lives. While still crushing on our sexy MacBook Pros.

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+ Branding Your Life: Welcome To The Internet! +

On November 1st, 2010, I tweeted: "You are a brand. Treat yourself as such. Ground your product, visualize your identity, network your life. Be open to growth."

I want to elaborate on this.

After tons of meetings, coffee dates, emails and texts with guys and girls looking for advice on moving forward and becoming successful with their lives and passions, I'm realizing that most people don't view themselves as a self-contained force. And really, you are. This is excruciatingly important for people to understand.

If you're alive and kicking, you're a small business. The question is, have you sat down as head of the company and started getting everything in line?

Most people are looking for something that will catapult them into the position they want to be in. College is the perfect example. No, college will not catapult you into a successful life. It's an extraordinarily beneficial tool, but it isn't "the answer." It's a solid learning experience, and an irreplaceable opportunity for networking. This business that your personal self inherently owns? That will be around forever. College will only be around for a few years. Make college fit into your business plan. Don't make it THE business plan. A lot of people miss out on both the real learning and the networking in college because they don't understand this crucial difference.

Here's the hard truth: You fill every role in this business that you run.

You've got full control of what goes on, and what direction your business runs in, but you also are in charge of marketing, research, IT, public relations, training, social media, etc. That's a lot of work. But don't get overwhelmed. Realizing that you have control over all of these things is half the battle.

Now that you know you're a business, you hopefully know how important it is to brand yourself. The key to sales (and yes, that’s what you’re doing. Selling yourself.) is relationships. The doorway to relationships is recognition. And you get recognition with savage, persistent presence.

Presence.

You're in so much luck that it's stupid. You were born into a generation where the Internet has made presence as easy as it will ever be. But it's still your job to educate yourself, learn the tricks, and manipulate it into working for you.

I don't pretend to be an expert on this, but what I can do is tell you what I've done, and what's worked for me. So here we go!

Sign up for everything, but focus on your core. You want presence everywhere, but you don't want to be trying to fill up 100 glasses at once. For example, I have a profile on About.Me. Do I use it? Nope. But if someone else is on About.Me and goes looking for Lauren Lankford...yep, there I am. With links to everything else that I DO use. Got 'em. Just heard about something new that just came out? Sign up. Take 15 minutes and look around. You may never use it again, but if it comes up in conversation later on (which it will), you'll know what you're talking about.

Learn HTML and some basic CSS. It's easy. Go to www.w3.org and read through the HTML and CSS tutorials so you at least have a general understanding of how it works. This is worth gold when you find yourself fighting a life or death battle with the customize feature on your blog.

Get Twitter. Yes, it's worth it. This is 2011 and you can't network successfully without Twitter. Spend time seeking out people who are similar to you, tweeting at people (hint: this is the #1 way to build relationships at this point in time), and learning how to create valuable content in 140 characters or less. When you're on a blog you love, look for their Twitter link and tell them via Twitter what you like about their stuff. It's the equivalent of walking up to someone at a party and telling them you think their shoes are sick. New friend. If you don't know where to start, go follow me and just start following people I do. I'll be your springboard, I don't mind.

Get a blog. Just like Twitter will be your conversation-hub, this will be the content-hub for everything you do. I recommend Blogger or Wordpress. Blogger is run by Google (note: blogger & blogspot are the same thing), and extraordinarily simple to customize and navigate. If you're up for the challenge, Wordpress may serve you better in the long run. And now, ACTUALLY BLOG. Treat your blog as a social tool. Comment on other people's blogs. Throw your projects up and shamelessly ask for critiques and opinions. Talk about people and things you love. Work on writing and producing quality. Ask people to guest post for you. This is the easiest way to direct someone else's readers to your blog. Get an email subscription widget up from FeedBurner so that people can get your blog posts in their inbox. Be dynamic, not static.

Get Google Reader. Even if you're not familiar with RSS, Google made it easy. Go sign up here. Up on the top left corner you'll see a "Add a subscription" button. Click it, and cut and paste a blog URL. It will automatically add this to your list. All the awesome blog content you can find, put into one place for you.

Get a portfolio. I recommend Carbonmade. You can look at mine here.

Get a Tumblr. You may or may not use this, but if you want to be an expert in your field, you'll try out everything just so that you know how it works. This is mine. Tumblr kicks ass for visual scrapbooking online. A couple clicks and you can upload an image, or hit re-blog from someone else's Tumblr and it will immediately appear on yours, for all of your followers to see. Don't know who to follow? Go to the Directory and see who is featured in the categories you're interested. Follow the ones you like. Keep your eye on who THEY are reblogging from. Follow those people too. I don't use Tumblr for networking, I use it for inspiration. Heavy content, 24/7. Free eye candy.

Get a profile on 20sb. It's probably the best way for bloggers to network on the inside. Here's my profile, go add me as a friend.

Get on LinkedIn. This is easy too. It's the most professional networking site out there, and the whole point is to have a persistent presence, remember? When someone signs up on LinkedIn, they'll have the option to search their email, Twitter & Facebook friends to find their friends and add them as a contact. Be on LinkedIn, and that's one more time that someone sees your name. Win.

Be in good company. One of the biggest lessons I've learned is that professionals are real human beings. Seriously. Don't be intimidated by resumes, numbers, reputations or accomplishments. That person you admire has a family, ex's, gets sick, has a sense of humor, and needs friends - just like you. I'm not promising that you can be their new friend, but place yourself in their life and do your best to learn from them. It'll rub off.

Move, shake, talk, interact, serve, offer, ask - be savagely present.

Also, consistency is important. Keep the same name/username/feel/style/photo/etc, everywhere you go. The whole point of being present is to be recognized, remember? Don't be afraid to change when you become better, but make your changes universal.

Remember that relationships work the same way online as they do offline. You don't make friends by squinting from a distance and thinking about how cool they are. Say hello, and start a conversation. Talking = Recognition = Relationships = Branding = Success. Get on it, and have fun!

Now, go sit down with a few pieces of paper and try to draw out your business plan. Pretend you're a company and decide what needs to be done in order for you to look smart and sexy on the Internet. Write down things you wish you were better at and figure out how to read up on them and practice them. Find the people who are already doing those things and stalk them like it's your job, because it is. Make a to-do list. I recommend TeuxDeux. Blog about it, and let me know via Twitter!

- - -

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+ Your Jokes Suck: Why I Won't Date You. +

I've kept my mouth shut on this for a long time. But today, I'm pissed off enough to say something.

So here it is. Your jokes suck.

Sometimes I laugh at them, but they still suck. And I wish you'd stop.

Vulgarity and negativity are two things I do not appreciate. If you've ever wondered why I've peaced out so quickly, there's a good chance that one of these two things were the reason.

Here's the deal: Negative humor is humor that does harm, not good. And humor is supposed to be a good thing.

If you're filling your jokes with the f-bomb, tits, jews, blacks, blowjobs, fags, pubes, women in the kitchen, or any other topic that you haven't grown up enough yet to understand, you aren't funny.

Profanity and vulgarity are a cop-out. Let me say that once more. Your jokes are a cop-out.

It says to me that you don't have a real sense of humor. You have zero creativity.

Go read the definition of 'joke' in the dictionary. Notice in addition to 'something said or done for amusement,' it also says, 'a worthless thing or person.'

The subject of your joke is made worthless by your words.

Next time you crack a crude joke about sex, remember that you're subconsciously drilling it into your head (and everyone else around you) that women are worthless.

Next time you crack a joke about fags, ask yourself if you'd walk up to any human being and tell them to their face that they're worthless.

Guys, I'm looking primarily at you on this one, because it seems to be where most of it is coming from. Yeah, it's true that girls want guys with a sense of humor. That's one of the first things on all of our lists. But here's a secret: the women worth having are looking for men with good humor. Not negative humor. So step it up.

Girls, next time some guy cracks a joke about how a woman doesn't need a driver's license because it doesn't take a car to get between the kitchen in the bedroom, stand up for yourself and fight. If you laugh too, you're putting yourself down. We're allowing it. And I'm sick of it.

Oh, and girls? I'm not done with you yet. Quit joking that all men are assholes, or that the female race is superior. They're not, and we're not. You're making it worse for both of us.

There is an element of truth to all jokes, which arguably is what makes them so 'funny.' I challenge you to listen to yourself and to your friends, and pick out who or what is the brunt of your jokes. Go face yourself in the mirror and ask yourself some hard questions. Think about the truth that you are agreeing to, without realizing it.

The truth you believe is communicated through your jokes. Think I'm taking this too seriously? I'm not going to apologize for looking for a good man with a real sense of humor, who can make me laugh without the bite. And trust me, I'm looking.

Don't allow yourself to crack a joke if it's at someone else's expense. Hard, huh?

I know.

The good news is that negative humor is a habit. And habits are breakable. I did it. It was hard, but I did it.

Stop telling jokes that suck. You're hurting yourself, and a lot of other people.

- - -

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+ Losing Everything. +

Nine years old. I handed my mom a couple of my dad's dress socks I'd found and she tossed them into a laundry basket in the back of the big, yellow U-Haul. I stared at my big playhouse in the backyard with my quiet blue eyes and wondered what would be at the next house. Ohio. What would that state be like? My strawberry patch, my rose garden, my green bean plants, my greenhouse. Time to leave, again. Why, I didn't know, but it was time.

Thirteen years old. Brushing pieces of fiberglass insulation out of my face, I tried to process what had just happened. The silence was surreal after the deafening sound of the entire house being ripped apart by a tornado. I didn't know if my youngest brother was still alive, and my body was frozen with the shock of seeing the open sky where walls and a roof should have been. Nothing of mine was saved; all I had were the clothes I was wearing and a pair of my mom's old shoes that I'd found in the dark.

Eighteen years old. I left my parents' house, completely unplanned, and never came back. My sister smuggled a bit of clothing to me over the next week or two, but the majority of everything I owned was left behind. I realized much later that my parents found the notes from my boyfriend that I'd hidden at the bottom of my sock drawer. What I wouldn't give to have those back.

Nineteen years old. I stared at the stack of red luggage in front of me in the parking lot and thought of the condo I'd just furnished the month before and boxes upon boxes of beloved memories left in a near-stranger's garage. Moving across the country by myself for the second time, again unplanned until two days prior, and all I could take was what I could fit on the plane. Again. The numbing emptiness didn't hit me until I was in Memphis on a layover and I thought of how much of my life I'd left scattered across the country. And wondered if I would ever get any of it back. My chest ached.

Twenty years old. Staring at the shattered glass all over the pavement and the seat of my car, I could barely breathe. I had left my car for five minutes, just long enough for my Macbook Pro to be stolen from under the backseat. Everything I'd ever written. Every picture I'd ever taken. Every project I'd ever done for any client. A year's worth of letters I'd written to my sister while she was kept in a "boarding school" of sorts, with a strict no-correspondence rule. I wrote every day and planned to give them to her whenever my parents let her out, or when she turned 18. The two books I was in the middle of writing. That laptop contained the only remnants of previous lives I'd lived; all of it gone. I'd come to terms with losing all my physical things over and over again in the past years, and I had held onto pictures and written memories to keep me sane. Now these were gone too. I felt like my life had just been erased.

I could go on, but it's hard. There are more stories, but I've made my point.

I am familiar with loss.

I know what it's like to stand alone in an airport and wonder what happened to your life.

I have fought through the long minutes in the shower, feeling the hot water burn the back of your neck and not wanting to ever climb out and stare at the reflection of your empty hands in the mirror.

I have cried over the loss of a ragged pink blanket given to me the day I was born, that made it through more than 20 moves - but not the 21st.

Loss is something I fear possibly more than anything else. It induces panic. It reminds me that I am helpless. But there are few times I have ever felt more alive.

I can only assume that God made it a priority to teach me this lesson: I can take nothing with me.

It is true that we do not know what we have until it's gone.

It is also true that we do not know how worthless those things were until we learn to live without them.

What would you still have if you woke up tomorrow morning with all your possessions gone? What would you do if you were given one suitcase to fill in 10 minutes before you moved 3000 miles away? How would you deal with the material faux-foundation being stripped out from under your feet?

I have learned to let go. To hold my hand open. We control nothing. Ultimately, God calls the shots. The shots that leave you sitting in the middle of a cul-de-sac in the middle of the night, in a city you don't know, rain soaking you while you sob. The shots that show you the immeasurable gap between your soul and what you think you own.

I ask you to let go. To live with less. To open your hands. To be thankful for extreme loss. To leave things in order to find life.

This week, get rid of things that you'd rather keep. Create a void. Shake your security. Force yourself to miss something. Bleed it out. And then, seek God.

You'll hear things you've never heard, and you'll breathe in a way you never have.

 

+ The Heart Leads & The Mind Protects: The Men to Love & The Men to Leave. +

Follow your heart! He broke my heart.

Do what you love most! I'm addicted to ______.

Listen to your gut! I don't trust myself anymore.

How many of these phrases have you uttered? I've said all of them. Countless times. And I've listened to you say them, countless times.

This generation has been the first to shamelessly break traditions, expectations, safe decisions - to pursue passions, listen to today over yesterday and sacrifice everything for what makes your heart race.

I love it, and I hate it.

It's reaping great rewards, and great costs.

Do you see the cost, on the flipside of every push to put your heart first?

In our haste, I believe we have spit out the meat and not just the bones.

This applies to a handful of topics, but I want to talk about relationships. And women, I'm looking at you.

Stand up for yourself.

Put your heart on hold for three minutes, and decide right now to bring your mind back into your relationships.

I don't mean this in an insulting way. I'm not calling you stupid.

I'm calling you to use everything you've been given for the purpose it was intended.

I'm not telling you to be heartless, and to pursue relationships that feel wrong.

I'm calling you to be wise, and to surround yourself with men you respect, not men who just make your heart feel something.

Mind and heart.

It's not one or the other, it's both, together.

I'm pulling all of my past mistakes into the present to tell you that I've been there, and I've learned the lessons the painful way. And to tell you that chances are, you don't understand how valuable you are.

I'm going to make some very blunt, specific statements. Take them to heart.

Do not stay with a man who doesn't hug and kiss you.

Do not stay with a man who doesn't love your friends.

Do not stay with a man who turns you against friends or family.

Do not stay with a man who gives you better sex than friendship.

Do not stay with a man who tells you that love is all you need to make life work.

Do not stay with a man who belittles you, especially through sarcasm.

Do not stay with a man who treats you like a casual acquaintance in public.

Do not stay with a man who regularly talks about how hot other women are.

Do not stay with a man who talks shit about his ex's.

Do not stay with a man who has no expectations for his life.

Do not stay with a man who does not care about his family.

Do not stay with a man who talks badly about his mother.

Do not stay with a man who calls you whore, cunt, slut or bitch.

Do not stay with a man who is quick to accuse you.

Do not stay with a man who halves you, instead of doubles you.

Do not stay with a man where it is never his fault or it is always his fault.

Do not stay with a man who asks but does not give (in and out of the bedroom).

Do not stay with a man who gets angry with you daily or weekly.

Do not stay with a man you do not admire.

Do not stay with a man if you are ever afraid of him.

Do not stay with a man who considers you a liability and not an asset.

Do not stay with a man who won't tell you The Number.

Do not stay with a man who compares you to other women.

Do not stay with a man who does not believe in & live for something greater than himself.

Do not stay with a man who lies to you.

Do not stay with a man who does not regularly encourage you.

Do not stay with a man who never offers to pay.

Do not stay with a man you love when you're with him but that hate when you're not.

Do not stay with a man who would read this list and laugh.

I could go on, and on.

But every single type of man listed here, I have made the decision to stay with, "because of my heart." I tell you this for this purpose only: To beg you to follow your heart, WITH your mind.

You KNOW you deserve better. You KNOW the type of man you want. You KNOW you want to feel like a better woman around your man. You KNOW sleeping around isn't worth it. You KNOW you won't find the right man until you let go of the wrong one. You KNOW waiting will be hard but the sacrifice will be worth it. You KNOW your tendency to pardon things you shouldn't. You KNOW you want to be a good woman.

Use your mind. It was given to you so that you could guard your heart above all else, for it is the wellspring of life.

Love passionately, and choose intelligently.

Let me put it this way.

If you cannot respect a man, you cannot love him to the best of your ability.

You can only love him mindlessly.

The women who love mindlessly and marry men they cannot respect, are the women who endure pain, loneliness, divorce, infidelity, regret, bitterness, abuse, and a lifetime of heartache.

HEARTache.

Because they did not protect their hearts with their minds.

---

Note to men: I just set the bar pretty high for you. Good. You have a world of beautiful, sexy women behind you who want to believe in you, stand beside you, and make your world a thousand times better than it already is. Step it up. Be the man that we respect. We're not asking for perfect men, we're asking for good men. We are ready for you. Be the good man that you are, and win over a woman who wants you like crazy.

+ today. +

+ rest +

I'm terrible at resting. I'm terrible at knowing why I'm terrible at resting.

Have you heard that most weaknesses are just strengths taken too far? My strength is diving headfirst into things that wrap their fingers around my heart, and working hard to accomplish what needs to be accomplished. I'm not passive. And I take it too far. I'm proud of the strength, and ashamed of the weakness. I'm ashamed of the cost.

I'm still learning the cost of the weakness. And let me tell you, there is a great cost.

What has it cost me? Health. Peace. Relationships. Friendships. Seeing truth. Hearing God. Seeing God. My memory. Quality of work. Love. Joy. Wisdom. Invaluable experiences. Emotional stability. And on, and on, and on.

I recently watched a documentary called, "Stress: Portrait of A Killer." It's on Netflix, and you should watch it.

I wish I could say seeing the science behind stress and the destruction of brain cells was my breaking point, but I'm a little more selfish than that.

On December 1st, I woke up at 3:30am and realized I didn't have any interest in getting out of bed that day, which would arrive in a couple of hours. Everything on my plate were things I had chosen: A good job (not involving physical discomfort and more than paying my bills), school (which I love) and a major I'm interested in, editing photos that I took because I adore photography, writing the mission for Love Bomb, and a handful of trite activities. None of these were miserable tasks that I'd been forced to complete, none of them were long-hated obligations that I'd been silently swearing against for years.

So why was I dreading the morning?

For the past two weeks, I've been searching for this answer. And I found it. It is because I do not rest.

Skipping a class and sleeping in an extra 2 hours because your entire body aches is not rest. Taking a day off work to catch up on overdue commitments is not rest. Splurging on more coffee at 10pm is not rest. Fighting against the guilt of being a month behind on housework and triumphantly choosing not to do them just yet is not rest.

If you are working relentlessly out of guilt or self-inflicted obligation, stop immediately.

If you think maybe you're working relentlessly because of guilt or self-inflicted obligation but aren't quite sure, stop immediately.

The actions that fill your days should come out of health, joy, love, peace, and heart.

If you've lost your passion, drop everything, and for the love of God: Go find it.

If you are trying to play savior to others, or to yourself, you don't know Jesus as well as you thought you did.

Rest is physical, emotional, spiritual and mental. The cost of not resting affects all three of those areas as well.

I am the poster child for anti-rest. I have taken it upon myself to destroy that quality in me. This past week, I have let go of the majority of my obligations, much to the dismay of the world I decided that I could save. Yesterday, the moment I was off work, I came home and crawled into bed. Yes, at 2:30pm. I slept for four hours. I woke up, read some, wrote a letter, talked to a friend, half-watched a documentary, and went to bed early. I overslept this morning. My entire past 2 weeks has looked like this. Lazy? No. I am resting. I am catching up on 8 years of rest that I never had. I am cooking real food and lounging on the sofa for an hour while I watch trash TV and eat my dinner. Lazy? No. I am resting.

Three days ago, a marvelous thing happened. I woke up from a nap, sat up, and said to myself, "I miss my friends!" I went downstairs, turned on a documentary, sat down at the table, and wrote a handful of letters. While I had my envelopes and stamps out, I wrote a letter to the girl I sponsor in Zimbabwe, and paid some bills. IT WAS FUN. I loved it. These were all things that normally are on my to-do list; things that drip with guilt. And in this moment, I realized why they drip with guilt: Not because I don't want to, but because I am too tired.

My body, mind, and heart have been screaming at me for years, and I just now heard them.

I will throw a brick at the next person who says to me, "I'll sleep when I'm dead," and consider it a service to humanity. I realize this is extremely hypocritical of me, but we preach best what we need to hear most.

I understand that it's hard. I understand that some of you are soldiers on multiple battlefields. I understand that for some of you, being "sister, mother, daughter, wife and friend" is not just some cute little description of you that hangs on a plaque in your bathroom. I understand that some of you are paying for others' mistakes. I have a word for you from God, the one who created you: "Six days you shall labor, but on the seventh day you shall rest; even during the plowing season and harvest you must rest." (Exodus 34:21)

I beg of you to rest.

If you cannot yet rest physically, rest spiritually. Know that, “my Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest." (Exodus 33:14)

If you cannot yet rest physically, rest emotionally. Know that, "the beloved of the LORD rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the LORD loves rests between his shoulders." (Deuteronomy 33:12)

If you cannot yet rest physically, rest mentally. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." (Matthew 11:28-29)

And if you cannot rest physically, ask yourself the hard questions. Why have you committed to certain people? Why are you consumed with X, Y & Z? Why do you chase after the things you chase after? What are you doing that is your security blanket? What will you lose if you work less? Why will you miss what is gone?

The cost of not resting is great. If you don't believe me, do a word search for "rest" in the Bible. Or go watch "Ink" on Netflix.

Give yourself grace. And rest.

- - -

"Very well then,
with foreign lips and strange tongues God will speak to this people,
to whom he said, “This is the resting place, let the weary rest”;
and, “This is the place of repose”— but they would not listen.
So then, the word of the LORD to them will become:
Do this, do that, a rule for this, a rule for that;
a little here, a little there—
so that as they go they will fall backward;
they will be injured and snared and captured."
Isaiah 28.

+ 2011 +

+ december & pornography +

Part One: It's December 1st, and you know what that means. Time for Lauren's annual crisis.

For some reason, right around Thanksgiving, I question everything I'm doing and everything I am.

It's like climbing a mountain ever year, and as soon as the snow hits, I slide right back to the bottom of it.

I'm learning that the valley is a good place. I make the closest friends here.

It slows me down, and it forces me to face my imperfections. I become real - something I have a gift for escaping, and have had ever since I was twelve years old, sitting in the car asking my dad, "what is 'me?'"

I woke up in the middle of the night last night, sprawled between my bare mattress and my comforter (I was too exhausted to get my sheets out of the dryer last night when I got home), staring at the ceiling. I felt like I was seven. 23 year old women should have sheets on their beds. Time had stopped, and I gave myself five minutes to hate everything.

To hate that I'm 23 and in an inconvenient limbo between child and adult.

To hate that I'm selling myself short in school. That I'm still in school.

To hate that I'm a workaholic and have missed out on a lot of life.

To hate that I'm not half as good at anything as I want to be.

To hate the way people perceive me, and my inability to communicate who I am.

To hate that I had no interest in getting out of bed in three hours for anything.

To hate that I come to this place, over and over and over.

I'm 23, and still asking what is Me.

In the shower this morning, the shampoo bottle was a million miles away from me. There was a gap between my finger tips and the tile that was making my head spin. Some part of me was infinitely objective, distanced from everything I was in physical contact with. Hello, preposition.

When I find myself here, it is easy to believe that I am the only one. To believe that no one else feels this distance, and that everyone else is in tune with life, except for me.

But it's not true. We all experience this. And we all hate these same things.

I have no guarantee that quitting my job is the best decision or that taking anti-depressants during the winter is a good idea.

When you don't know anything, you fight to find what you do know.

And this is what I knew, at 3:30am. God has never failed me, not one single time. I am loved and protected and he will be my dad. He is worth trusting. I will never be homeless. Joy does not come from things. He knows me better than I know myself. He has given me a compassion that fights to get out of my chest and he will do so, in his way and in his timing. Every time I've worked towards something, I've obtained it. Worrying is pointless. I am blessed. I know that I desperately love people. Every struggle I've been through has always paid off. I've always come out better on the other side. Always. I know that as hard as things are, I love my life.

Desperation and insecurities are gifts. I am thankful for them.

Here's to December and finding out what kind of lessons are learned through meltdowns, failure, freaking out and persistent joy.

- - -

Part Two:

I'm going to make this incredibly brief. There are few men I respect, few men whose writing gets my complete attention, and few men who are still fighting.

Go add this man to your blogroll, rss, google reader, bookmarks - whatever it is you do.



www.makeitmad.com

Max Dubinsky's mind is something worth keeping tabs on weekly. He has invaluable perspective.

We do a lot of talking about fairly weightless things. MakeItMad isn't one of them. Make it your job to talk about Max. I want to see his name everywhere.

+ Consider This Your New Pornography +