Wednesday, December 1, 2010

+ december & pornography +

Part One: It's December 1st, and you know what that means. Time for Lauren's annual crisis.

For some reason, right around Thanksgiving, I question everything I'm doing and everything I am.

It's like climbing a mountain ever year, and as soon as the snow hits, I slide right back to the bottom of it.

I'm learning that the valley is a good place. I make the closest friends here.

It slows me down, and it forces me to face my imperfections. I become real - something I have a gift for escaping, and have had ever since I was twelve years old, sitting in the car asking my dad, "what is 'me?'"

I woke up in the middle of the night last night, sprawled between my bare mattress and my comforter (I was too exhausted to get my sheets out of the dryer last night when I got home), staring at the ceiling. I felt like I was seven. 23 year old women should have sheets on their beds. Time had stopped, and I gave myself five minutes to hate everything.

To hate that I'm 23 and in an inconvenient limbo between child and adult.

To hate that I'm selling myself short in school. That I'm still in school.

To hate that I'm a workaholic and have missed out on a lot of life.

To hate that I'm not half as good at anything as I want to be.

To hate the way people perceive me, and my inability to communicate who I am.

To hate that I had no interest in getting out of bed in three hours for anything.

To hate that I come to this place, over and over and over.

I'm 23, and still asking what is Me.

In the shower this morning, the shampoo bottle was a million miles away from me. There was a gap between my finger tips and the tile that was making my head spin. Some part of me was infinitely objective, distanced from everything I was in physical contact with. Hello, preposition.

When I find myself here, it is easy to believe that I am the only one. To believe that no one else feels this distance, and that everyone else is in tune with life, except for me.

But it's not true. We all experience this. And we all hate these same things.

I have no guarantee that quitting my job is the best decision or that taking anti-depressants during the winter is a good idea.

When you don't know anything, you fight to find what you do know.

And this is what I knew, at 3:30am. God has never failed me, not one single time. I am loved and protected and he will be my dad. He is worth trusting. I will never be homeless. Joy does not come from things. He knows me better than I know myself. He has given me a compassion that fights to get out of my chest and he will do so, in his way and in his timing. Every time I've worked towards something, I've obtained it. Worrying is pointless. I am blessed. I know that I desperately love people. Every struggle I've been through has always paid off. I've always come out better on the other side. Always. I know that as hard as things are, I love my life.

Desperation and insecurities are gifts. I am thankful for them.

Here's to December and finding out what kind of lessons are learned through meltdowns, failure, freaking out and persistent joy.

- - -

Part Two:

I'm going to make this incredibly brief. There are few men I respect, few men whose writing gets my complete attention, and few men who are still fighting.

Go add this man to your blogroll, rss, google reader, bookmarks - whatever it is you do.



www.makeitmad.com


Max Dubinsky's mind is something worth keeping tabs on weekly. He has invaluable perspective.

We do a lot of talking about fairly weightless things. MakeItMad isn't one of them. Make it your job to talk about Max. I want to see his name everywhere.

10 comments:

Norm Huelsman said...

I'm sorry to see that you are going through a life questioning time. I know what it is like to experience what you are expressing. I often think about how much better I could be doing in everything. Don't let this get you down.

I am encouraged to see what you do know. I find very few people who would be able to express this fact so openly and boldly. Hopefully you can use this frustration with life as fuel to drive you forward as you pursue your passions.

Nate St. Pierre said...

Another thing you can know is that I love you too. Always.

jen said...

You may not think you're where you want to be...but you are where you're supposed to be. If everything came easy to you or made sense then you wouldn't be who you are Miss Lauren! Just embrace and go with it. It'll all figure itself out in the end! xx

kelly said...

i love you so much. it helps me a lot to be going through the same kind of struggles as you and see the way you handle it. you encourage me. i love you and pray for you whenever you pop into my head, which is pretty often :)

Paige Baker said...

I love you so much, Lauren. How redundant, not hat I look at the comments up there. But it's really true. I was just telling someone (a stranger actually--why do I always find myself sharing my innermost thoughts with strangers? This is a fairly new trait of mine) about all these thing exactly. The past couple of months for me have been...not good, to be general. And it can be hard to see a way out when people don't talk about it--I can always count on you for that.
The sanctification process is hard. But it's absolutely one of the most beautiful things in life. And I'm so honored to be able to share the beauty, and the pain, with people like you, and more specifically, you. Whether you realize it or not, God, through you, has kept me strong in my faith on the days, where I really couldn't see the point.

Laura Lawson said...

I second pretty much everything lovely Paige stated. I, also 23, find myself at a very similar place right now Lauren. I can relate to everything you're saying. It's frustrating, but I don't think we're alone. Love you darling. Praying for you today.

Jamie said...

Gotta agree with everybody else!!! Most specifically, dear Paige who said "Whether you realize it or not, God, through you, has kept me strong in my faith on the days, where I really couldn't see the point." You should be receiving something soon in the mail that expands on what I think of that (today perhaps?) but just know that when you're in the valleys, you're not alone. We're all in this together and as I read in an amazing book last night by Anne Jackson (that you should totally read), she said this...
"We all need to be carried at some point. We all get to carry. And it's the grace that holds us up so we don't collapse under the weight of it all."
We don't HAVE to help each other. We don't NEED to. We GET to. It's our privilege. When we each reach out to help each other, our own burdens our lightened, as well as theirs.
You are an amazing person, Lauren. I know that sometimes it's hard for us to accept that people think that about ourselves and to believe it. But I do hope that you will accept that those are not just words, but true feelings and that you help so many people in ways that you may never know. You have an amazing gift to reach people. God wants you to use it.
And yeah, just like everybody else, I love you too. :) xo

Bailey said...

You will ALWAYS be figuring out you are. Every day you have the opportunity to figure it out. I think it's good you're focusing on it so much now. Better now than in 50 years when you won't have much time to change it.

Just me said...

-To love that you're 23 and can still make your life into whatever you want it to be.

-To love that you're so dedicated to learning that you're still in school, and that you care if you're not doing your best.

-To love that your work is important to you.

-To love that you strive for the best.

-To love that you care what others that others view you as the beautiful and loving person you are.

-To love that you value rest

-To love that you have and will continue to come out of this place, over and over and over.

I think you're wonderful xxx

Diana said...

There are not a lot of male bloggers, or just bloggers who speak truth.

You remind me of me when i was once 23. It gets better. You have no idea.

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