Thursday, July 21, 2011
Friday, July 8, 2011
New Shop Launch!
Soooo those of you who have known me for awhile know that I used to have a cute little online shop that I loved - but it's been down for awhile.
And now it's back! I've quit my 9-5 job & am 100% freelancing, so the shop is quite necessary. Plus, I love it. :)
Come take a peek ♥
And now it's back! I've quit my 9-5 job & am 100% freelancing, so the shop is quite necessary. Plus, I love it. :)
Come take a peek ♥
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Art, Relationships, & The Lie That Keeps You From Having Both
I do a lot of things. I say that I do a lot of things. Photography, blog design, graphic design, writing, making jewelry, painting - I have a really bad case of, "oh that's amazing - I want to be able to do that!"
So I try. Really hard. Because I want it. Really bad.
I experiment, I Google things, I research it. I spend an ungodly number of hours reading, observing, and trying over and over and over.
I used to hate that I never had anyone to teach me what I wanted to be able to do. It's frustrating. Discouraging. Sometimes I feel like it's not worth it. Too much to tackle. Like I'm on my own. I've never had close friends or teachers that help me, guide me, & enable me to get better at whatever artistic endeavor I've got my hands in.
But over the years, I have started to see it as a gift. I am slowly perfecting the art of teaching myself.
We live in a world that admires "the self-taught" above everything else. "You TAUGHT yourself?" It's the ultimate compliment.
People look at someone who learned something on their own and ask, "HOW did you teach yourself that?"
How? Because they fully believed they could throw themselves into it and eventually figure it out.
Anyone who has learned anything on their own knows how frustrating it can be to be "self-taught." To spend 10 solid hours on something little and stupid, because you can't get to the next part until you figure it out. "If only I could just take a class on this." "If only I could just ask someone and get the answer."
But everyone who has spent 10 hours on something little and stupid also knows that they will never forget what they learned.
And it becomes permanent to them. It becomes what they understand, not just know.
What they are capable of, not just what they replicated.
In a way, it becomes part of their identity.
It becomes worth it.
I like to think that God's primary characteristic is an artist. Genesis 1:1 says, "In the beginning, God created."
When we were created in his image, we were created with the innate ability to create and initiate on our own. More than that - the desire was embedded into our heart. We can initiate change; we are active, not passive creatures.
Last week I was asked, "how do I get a relationship with God like yours?" A few days ago, "how did you get past everything that happened to you?" And in the last 24 hours, several people who don't know how to pray or hear from God have crossed paths with me.
And everyone wants to be taught. Because in the moment, that seems impossible.
We all want to be "able," immediately.
We feel utterly directionless before we take the first step. We think we don't even know where to begin. We base our potential options off of failed actions in the past. "I tried that for like three years, it never worked." "I can't just....do that."
And so we decide, "I can't." Until someone comes along to teach us.
But what we're always forgetting is that God created us with the ability. God designed you with the ability to create. God MADE to have a relationship with him. The relationship you see other people having with him. God created you with everything you need to get past what happened to you. He designed your heart and soul explicitly for the purpose of communicating with God - sharing yourself with Him, and He sharing himself with you.
What we are forgetting is that God created us.
And just like everything else, a relationship with God is simple, but not easy.
You were born with the ability to have the relationship with Him that you want but don't know how to get. Believe it.
You were born with the ability to speak to a God you cannot see. Believe it.
You were born with the ability to overcome everything that has happened to you. Believe it.
You are able to chase God with everything you have, no matter what. Believe that in the end, it will be worth it.
Because it is when you doubt the possibility that you lose the ability.
If I didn't believe I could figure out how to use a camera, I never would have become a photographer.
If I didn't believe I could find the answer to my stupid broken code problem somewhere on Google, I would have stopped looking & never designed anything.
If I didn't believe that I could mess with paints enough to finally get it to do what I wanted, I would never create anything.
You must believe before you try.
If I didn't believe God would answer me, I would stop talking to him.
If I didn't believe God would love me the way I needed to feel love, I would have never asked him for it.
So, this is my encouragement to believe. And to try. To try hard.
Choose to believe. To experiment. To run, and fall. Climb, and slip. Mix things together, and find that they don't work. But slowly we get the answers, piece by piece. We master the next step, eventually.
And before you know it, you will have created. You will understand, not just know. You will have the relationship with God that you didn't have last month, last year, ten years ago.
Because you will have tried all the wrong ways - and it was hard - until you found that you could obtain what looked out of reach.
Because you were created by God. In His image.
"You will seek me & find me when you seek me with ALL your heart." Jeremiah 29:13
It is written: ‘They will all be taught by God.’ Everyone who listens to the Father & learns from him comes to me. John 6:45
No longer will a man teach his neighbor saying, 'Know the LORD,' because they will all know me, from the least of them to the greatest," declares the LORD. Jeremiah 31:34
"I will put my law in their minds & write it on their hearts. I will be their God, & they will be my people. Jeremiah 31:33
So I try. Really hard. Because I want it. Really bad.
I experiment, I Google things, I research it. I spend an ungodly number of hours reading, observing, and trying over and over and over.
I used to hate that I never had anyone to teach me what I wanted to be able to do. It's frustrating. Discouraging. Sometimes I feel like it's not worth it. Too much to tackle. Like I'm on my own. I've never had close friends or teachers that help me, guide me, & enable me to get better at whatever artistic endeavor I've got my hands in.
But over the years, I have started to see it as a gift. I am slowly perfecting the art of teaching myself.
We live in a world that admires "the self-taught" above everything else. "You TAUGHT yourself?" It's the ultimate compliment.
People look at someone who learned something on their own and ask, "HOW did you teach yourself that?"
How? Because they fully believed they could throw themselves into it and eventually figure it out.
Anyone who has learned anything on their own knows how frustrating it can be to be "self-taught." To spend 10 solid hours on something little and stupid, because you can't get to the next part until you figure it out. "If only I could just take a class on this." "If only I could just ask someone and get the answer."
But everyone who has spent 10 hours on something little and stupid also knows that they will never forget what they learned.
Everyone who has sought something with their entire heart has discovered that the greatest lie they can believe is that they "can't" unless someone else teaches them how. They learn that belief is everything they need to propel them forward.
And it becomes permanent to them. It becomes what they understand, not just know.
What they are capable of, not just what they replicated.
In a way, it becomes part of their identity.
It becomes worth it.
I like to think that God's primary characteristic is an artist. Genesis 1:1 says, "In the beginning, God created."
When we were created in his image, we were created with the innate ability to create and initiate on our own. More than that - the desire was embedded into our heart. We can initiate change; we are active, not passive creatures.
Last week I was asked, "how do I get a relationship with God like yours?" A few days ago, "how did you get past everything that happened to you?" And in the last 24 hours, several people who don't know how to pray or hear from God have crossed paths with me.
And everyone wants to be taught. Because in the moment, that seems impossible.
We all want to be "able," immediately.
We feel utterly directionless before we take the first step. We think we don't even know where to begin. We base our potential options off of failed actions in the past. "I tried that for like three years, it never worked." "I can't just....do that."
And so we decide, "I can't." Until someone comes along to teach us.
But what we're always forgetting is that God created us with the ability. God designed you with the ability to create. God MADE to have a relationship with him. The relationship you see other people having with him. God created you with everything you need to get past what happened to you. He designed your heart and soul explicitly for the purpose of communicating with God - sharing yourself with Him, and He sharing himself with you.
What we are forgetting is that God created us.
And just like everything else, a relationship with God is simple, but not easy.
You were born with the ability to have the relationship with Him that you want but don't know how to get. Believe it.
You were born with the ability to speak to a God you cannot see. Believe it.
You were born with the ability to overcome everything that has happened to you. Believe it.
You are able to chase God with everything you have, no matter what. Believe that in the end, it will be worth it.
Because it is when you doubt the possibility that you lose the ability.
If I didn't believe I could figure out how to use a camera, I never would have become a photographer.
If I didn't believe I could find the answer to my stupid broken code problem somewhere on Google, I would have stopped looking & never designed anything.
If I didn't believe that I could mess with paints enough to finally get it to do what I wanted, I would never create anything.
You must believe before you try.
If I didn't believe God would answer me, I would stop talking to him.
If I didn't believe God would love me the way I needed to feel love, I would have never asked him for it.
So, this is my encouragement to believe. And to try. To try hard.
Choose to believe. To experiment. To run, and fall. Climb, and slip. Mix things together, and find that they don't work. But slowly we get the answers, piece by piece. We master the next step, eventually.
And before you know it, you will have created. You will understand, not just know. You will have the relationship with God that you didn't have last month, last year, ten years ago.
Because you will have tried all the wrong ways - and it was hard - until you found that you could obtain what looked out of reach.
Because you were created by God. In His image.
- - -
"You will seek me & find me when you seek me with ALL your heart." Jeremiah 29:13
It is written: ‘They will all be taught by God.’ Everyone who listens to the Father & learns from him comes to me. John 6:45
No longer will a man teach his neighbor saying, 'Know the LORD,' because they will all know me, from the least of them to the greatest," declares the LORD. Jeremiah 31:34
"I will put my law in their minds & write it on their hearts. I will be their God, & they will be my people. Jeremiah 31:33
- - -
PS: I am raising money to get back home by selling photography from the first half of the trip! Please consider helping us out! <3
Come join me on Facebook! > >
Friday, July 1, 2011
Selling Photography From The Trip To Get Back Home!
Please come peek around at the online shop, and spread the word if you'd like to help us out. :)
We are in North Carolina at the moment, next stop is Nashville-ish & then making our way to Dallas. If you're anywhere between here, there, and LA (the final destination), get in touch with us! We'd love to meet you.
Oh, and Max wrote this on Wednesday & I think it's awesome: What Men Really Want.
♥
Friday, June 24, 2011
Sex, Faith & Men: What I Never Knew About Dating.
"Why don't you date him? He's a good guy.""Just give him a chance. You never know unless you take the risk."
"Go on a few dates. Just because he isn't a Christian doesn't mean he will be a bad boyfriend."
"God can change people. Maybe he's the one. You can make it work.”
"We're just hanging out, it's not serious. It won't go anywhere."
"You're not deciding to marry him right this second. Just see how it goes."
I remember being a freshman in high school and believing heart and soul that I would never date a "non-believer," much less ever have sex with one. Fast-forward five or six years, and I've dated a couple. Fast-forward another year or two, and I'm sleeping with one that I'm not even dating.
No girl wakes up and says to herself, "I'm gonna fall head over heels in love with a man I'd never marry today" or decides over lunch that sex is just sex is just sex, and none of it is a big deal anyway. I didn't. And you probably didn't, but both of those things happen to us.
“Your first perfect Christian boyfriend broke your heart. You weren't supposed to mess around with him, but you did anyway. Now you might as well mess around with the next one. You've been perfect your whole life. You deserve to have some innocent fun. It's just going out for a drink - that isn't committing to a relationship. Cuddling as 'friends' isn't wrong. Marriage is like, a decade away. What are you supposed to do for ten years - be bored? Everyone has sex before marriage. And everyone ends up with a husband and happy in the end. You need to experience everything before you settle down and only have sex with one man for the freaking rest of your whole entire life.”
I don't know how it happened to you, but that's a glimpse of what happened to me. And I was the girl with the best intentions, the highest standards, and the most reasonable head on my shoulders. Maybe you got there a little differently, but it ended us both in the same place.
Why did it happen? Because we're human. Because life happens. Because we get hurt. Because we're built for relationships, but we're born broken.
And because too often as Christian girls, we are given the rules with no explanations. We're told the No's without the Yes's. We're given the worst-case scenarios without a picture of the amazing fun-filled, purpose-filled, hot sex & crazy love filled marriage that we were created for.
As Christian girls, we're told that sex gets us pregnant, ruins sex with our future husband & is SIN SIN SIN. The church has steered us away from sex by way of guilt, shame & fear. The problem with motivating by guilt & fear (instead of truth & life) is that the moment another area of our life collapses (which it will), we give up on everything. Because sin is sin is sin, right?
We say, "What the hell." And we give up a little, settle a little, stop caring a little.
This is what I didn't know about relationships. About men. About myself. About sex. About dating. About marriage. About life.
This is what I didn't know, that had I known, I might not have become addicted to things that slowly began to destroy me.
This is what I half-knew, that I pushed to the back of my mind and heart, believing that I couldn't have or couldn't find.
This is why you can't date a man who doesn't love Jesus, if you have given your life to the God who created, treasures and adores you.
- Because Love isn't enough to get you through anything. You have to respect him, too. There is something in the heart of a woman who loves Jesus that knows she can't fully respect a man who doesn't have God as his number one priority. If you don't respect him as a man, get out. If you question it now, you can expect it to be wholly sabotaged when things get rough. A man knows when you don't respect him, and there are few things more dangerous, problem-causing & explosive than a man without respect.
- When we evaluate relationships, we forget to set the stage at its worst - we just set it for now. Last week, my man hit rock bottom. As the woman who is promising to love & support him (and invest my entire life in him) no matter what, I HAVE to know that God loves, protects, will provide for, and will strengthen this man in my arms. If a man doesn't love God with his whole heart, I can't be assured that what I'm comforting him with is going to be delivered. I can't have faith in a man who doesn't have faith. I can't strengthen the faith of a man who doesn't have any to begin with.
- If you are a woman who loves Jesus, a man who doesn't love Jesus doesn't know who you truly are. Your identity is defined by God. You're lying to yourself if you think that your relationship with Jesus can remain in a box, outside of your romantic relationship. For a while, I told myself that if he understood every part of me except for the God part - that was okay. When you are created a new creation in Christ, ALL of you is "the God part." No part of you is untouched by your love for Jesus. And your man does not see that you - he sees a different woman.
- You need an anchor. One day you're going to fall apart. And you're going to need him to come to your rescue by way of God, not by himself. God is our rock, and our foundation. Max cannot be my savior. I cannot be his. And both of us need one. If you date a man who doesn't know his Savior, you are forced to fulfill that role, which as a human being, you cannot. And he will try to be your savior. And he can not. Everything will be okay because you believe in God, not because your boyfriend “believes in you.”
- When you've made the decision to follow Jesus, your perception of everything becomes wildly changed. Lifelong friendships are built not on similar interests, but on similar views of the world. Marriages are no different. It is said that marriages do not fail for lack of love, but lack of friendship. You're choosing a partner to take on the world with together for the rest of your life. You can't make it through the battle if he's seeing differently than you are. And you can't live with someone you wouldn't be friends with in the first place.
- He can't love you to the best of his ability if he doesn't love Jesus. I'm talking about the kind of love you need to survive a marriage. The love that lasts a lifetime. The lay-down-your-life-for-someone-kind-of-love. The world's definition is but a pale imitation of love. If you want to truly be loved by a man, you need to find one who has experienced unconditional, sacrificial love as is defined by God, the author of it. God created marriage as an image of Jesus' relationship with the church, and Jesus laid down his life out of love for his bride.
- You can't marry them, so why date them? Let's say you've already decided you won't marry a non-Christian - but what's wrong with "just" dating them? Your body is designed to bond utterly & completely with someone, through the release of dopamine & oxytocin. Dopamine is the chemical that drives you back to pleasurable things. In its most innocent form, it teaches a small child that puppies are awesome. In its most powerful form, it creates a natural addiction to the person you are physically involved with. You were created to be addicted to someone for the rest of your life. The addiction starts the moment dopamine is triggered and begins to flood your brain. The question is: are you created an addiction to something healthy, or unhealthy? (When Oxytocin is triggered, it teaches your mind to trust, and reduces fear. Consider the repercussions of programming your body to trust someone you know you shouldn't, and to be safe around someone you plan to break up with.)
It hurts. It's hard. You love him.
I'm not telling you to leave him because you're sinning, I'm telling you to go get addicted to a man you want in your life forever.
- - -
Want to talk about it? Email me. laurennicolelove [at] gmail.com. I've been there.
Want to read more about what sex does to you? Read my post "I Was A Prostitute."
Want some lighter talk on dating? Read my post "I Met My Man on Twitter & I'm Writing You A How To Guide On Dating"
Is your boyfriend doing this? The Heart Leads & The Mind Protects: The Men To Love & The Men To Leave.
And lastly, check out my Good Woman's Guide To The 21st Century over on MakeItMad.
Friday, June 17, 2011
A Letter To The Girl Without A Father & Etc.
I have a confession.
I cannot function without a father.
I have a second confession.
I used to love God because it was the right thing to do. Now I love Him because I am desperate for a Dad.
I have a third confession. A confession that mocks the Devil.
I believe that Daddy Issues are a gift.
I am not too proud to say that I am a woman who now knows she would not have sought God any other way.
I am not too proud to say that it took the world shattering pain of my father’s absence to bring me to an empty parking lot in the middle of the night at age 19, 14 years after I was saved, where I began to Love my God.
Love him like I loved my father. Needed him like I needed my father. Wanted him like I wanted my father.
- - -
I cannot function without a father.
I have a second confession.
I used to love God because it was the right thing to do. Now I love Him because I am desperate for a Dad.
I have a third confession. A confession that mocks the Devil.
I believe that Daddy Issues are a gift.
I am not too proud to say that I am a woman who now knows she would not have sought God any other way.
I am not too proud to say that it took the world shattering pain of my father’s absence to bring me to an empty parking lot in the middle of the night at age 19, 14 years after I was saved, where I began to Love my God.
Love him like I loved my father. Needed him like I needed my father. Wanted him like I wanted my father.
Read the rest of A Letter To The Girl Without A Father on DeeperStory.com > >
My previous posts for Deeper Story: Love Was The Plan, The Most Important Thing, & Losing Everything.
I was also honored to write for POTSC (People Of The Second Chance) this week: I Was A Prostitute.
We are wrapping up the month on Body Image & Beauty at Good Women Project. Yesterday was Part One of An Eating Disorder, & today's post is Part Two. July's topic will be Let's Talk About Sex. If you want to share your story, please email me at goodwomenproject [at] gmail.com. <3
Join me on Facebook: LaurenNicoleLove & Good Women Project
Follow me on Twitter: @laurenlankford & @goodwomenproj
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Rest: Conversations with God.
I'm learning that black and white often isn't sufficient for me. I love words. But I love the sky. And colors. And air. And space.
This was my conversation with God this morning. And how it felt.
This was my conversation with God this morning. And how it felt.
Did you read my last post? I Was A Prostitute: The Truth About Sex. Also, I love this: Bodies & Beauty: My Almost-Eating Disorder.
Friday, May 27, 2011
I Was A Prostitute: The Truth About Sex
Last night I went to a sex trafficking awareness event.
Black and white photographs - mug shots - of broken, bruised women arrested and brought in for prostitution flashed across the screen, over and over and over. Horrifically broken women. Women who, like horses, have had their spirits broken in order to serve another man's purpose and desire.
I listened to a 30 second clip of a young woman pleading and sobbing with a judge for mercy in his ruling on her 31 solicitation charges: "This isn't me. I'm not this woman. I don't want to be this. I don't want to do this anymore. This isn't me. Please, please help me. Please."
Don't punish me for what I did, because this isn't the woman I wanted to be.
But I feel like I have no other option.
I beg of you to be the man who stands in my defense.
Sitting on that cold, wooden bench, watching this girl beg for someone to understand that Prostitute wasn't her name, I was shocked to find that the ache swelling in my heart was an ache I'd felt before. The same pain I've felt many times. An ache I could see written on the faces of every single girl and woman in that room.
Why could every woman identify with the sobbing prostitute in the court room?
I have begged for someone to see me as the woman I want to be; not as the woman I've fallen into being.
I have been the woman condemned by the sex I've allowed, agreed to, and willingly sought out - but later, desperately cried out for someone, anyone who will understand that this isn't the woman I want to be. This isn't me.
But a small part of me feels like I had no other option. It was out of my control. I said yes, but did I really mean it?
Desperately wanting a man to stand in my defense. To fight for me, before he wants sex.
"I used to think prostitutes were the criminals. Not the victims. Everyone has a choice, right? She had the option of not agreeing to sex. But look at these women's faces. When you judge thousands of domestic violence cases, you learn what victims look like and what they don't. And every single woman brought in on a solicitation charge looks like a victim. I started studying statistics on women charged with selling their bodies. Every single woman has been the victim of another crime: domestic violence, abuse, incest, molestation, abandonment. But we prosecute them as the criminal."
So this judge made the decision to start viewing prostitutes not as criminals, but as victims. A second chance.
Sex taken from them. Not given. Even though they said yes. Even though they received something in return.
Every time I had sex I said yes to it. But I have always felt like something was taken from me. Even though every single time I thought I got what I wanted or needed that night.
Do you have a choice? And is that really the question? Is it really the word Yes or No that matters?
Did those women have the choice to say no to giving up their bodies in return for something else they desperately needed to make it through the day?
Do you? Do I? Out of the overflow of the heart, so the mouth speaks.
The ugly truth of prostitution is that those women don't really have a choice. The majority of them have been trafficked, and if you're familiar with trafficking, you know that it is kidnapping and slavery in it's most brutal, gruesome, despicable, evil form.
The ugly truth of prostitution is that those women exchanged sex for what they needed to get through that day alive, according to their past, their perspective, and the men who shaped their lives.
And the ugly truth of my sex life is that in the past, I have given every inch of my body in exchange for what I needed to get through that day alive, according to my past, my perspective, and the men who shaped my life and my culture.
That is why every woman in the room could relate to the desperation, pain, judgement, guilt, brokenness, and plea for mercy expressed by the prostitute.
Because I believe that as a woman who has had sex with men who did not commit their life and love to me, I am as that of a prostitute.
As are you, if you have also slept with a man before he married you.
I am not judging you. I am fighting heart and soul in your defense.
Because I know that you feel like you were the victim of another crime. A father who left. A man who broke your spirit. An emptiness that never ceases. Pain inflicted on you by another. A culture that tells you sex is all you're worth. Men who have degraded, devalued and destroyed women through pornography. A society that has lied to you about sex since the day you were born. The victim of men who refused to fight in your behalf; men who refused to fight for you. All of you.
Because I know that when you said yes, you thought he would stay. Because I know that when you said yes, you knew he wouldn't.
Because I know that you were in search of something other than sex, just as I was.
The truth is that when we want sex, we want passionate intimacy. We want a man to want us. We want him to actively, physically demonstrate his intense desire for us - over everything else he could be doing at this very moment.
We want closeness. We want to feel needed, wanted; to feel like we both fully satisfy and are satisfied by another.
I'm not eliminating our desire for physical pleasure, or to put it bluntly, saying that "women just want to be wanted, we don't care about getting off."
No. What I'm pointing out is that when we crave sex, we are craving things that can't be delivered by getting ourselves off. Otherwise we would be forever content with that.
And this is how we identify how powerful sex is.
I am not jaded when it comes to sex. I am not pandering abstinence because traditional Christianity labels all self-indulgence as "sin."
I want it. I enjoy it. It frustrates me when I cannot have it. But I have learned that "sex will satisfy me" is a lie, and comes at great cost.
Beloved woman, would you still be turned on if the man in your bed said:
"You're sexy, but I might decide another woman is sexier later."
"You are beautiful, but not enough to make me yours forever."
"I love you, but I can't promise I'll protect you, in fact - I'll probably hurt you instead."
"I love getting you off, but if you get pregnant, I might not be the dad."
"I love your body, but only because you're hot. And I'm watching porn when I'm not with you."
"I want you more than anything, but just tonight. It will be different next week."
"I came over because you're easy sex and I don't have to really love you to get anything."
"I want your beauty and your warmth and your body, but nothing else."
Whether or not the man you are sleeping with is saying these things out loud, these statements are being branded into your mind, body & heart every single time you have sex outside of marriage.
Because they are all true, when sex is had without a diamond on your finger. There is no guarantee that a man is staying, that he loves you and is committed to you - and so these statements are inherently true. And there is nothing that the best intentions can do to alter their truth.
Even if you are content with going through with sex, and sacrificing what you know you want or deserve in order for temporary companionship, comfort, "love," or physical pleasure, you WILL start to believe certain things about yourself, other men, and other women.
You will start to believe that you are no better. That men are no better.
It will alter your view of sex, love, relationships, and men. But most importantly, it will alter your view of yourself.
It will name you Prostitute when your precious, broken heart begs a man to see you as the woman you always wanted to be.
We are a generation of women who have been convinced by the men in our lives that sex is what we have to give in order to attain what we need to get through life.
I crave Something, and men have convinced me that sex will fill it.
Be honest with me. When you tell yourself that you want sex, did you come to this conclusion by yourself? Or is it the product of the men in your life and the culture you live in? I challenge you to sit down and wrestle through this.
Are you the criminal, or are you the victim of a broken world, in dire need of Love in it's true form?
Women, we have sold ourselves.
And it is breaking us.
The human body is not built to withstand regrettable sex. We are not built to give everything before he has stepped up and committed to give us everything back. This is why you feel like something has been taken, even though you said yes.
Women, you are not built to have sex with a man who has not committed his heart, mind and body to you for the rest of your life.
I beg of you to join me in saying No.
Saying No to the lie that sex alone will satisfy what you crave.
Saying No to men until one of them loves you enough to promise to give, not to take. For the rest of his life.
I beg of you to sit at the foot of Jesus with me as Prostitute. As he gives us new names, and fights in our behalf.
Are you following me on Twitter? Do that here: @laurenlankford
Be a fan on Facebook. It's the best way to keep up. Do that here.
Black and white photographs - mug shots - of broken, bruised women arrested and brought in for prostitution flashed across the screen, over and over and over. Horrifically broken women. Women who, like horses, have had their spirits broken in order to serve another man's purpose and desire.
I listened to a 30 second clip of a young woman pleading and sobbing with a judge for mercy in his ruling on her 31 solicitation charges: "This isn't me. I'm not this woman. I don't want to be this. I don't want to do this anymore. This isn't me. Please, please help me. Please."
Don't punish me for what I did, because this isn't the woman I wanted to be.
But I feel like I have no other option.
I beg of you to be the man who stands in my defense.
Sitting on that cold, wooden bench, watching this girl beg for someone to understand that Prostitute wasn't her name, I was shocked to find that the ache swelling in my heart was an ache I'd felt before. The same pain I've felt many times. An ache I could see written on the faces of every single girl and woman in that room.
Why could every woman identify with the sobbing prostitute in the court room?
I have begged for someone to see me as the woman I want to be; not as the woman I've fallen into being.
I have been the woman condemned by the sex I've allowed, agreed to, and willingly sought out - but later, desperately cried out for someone, anyone who will understand that this isn't the woman I want to be. This isn't me.
But a small part of me feels like I had no other option. It was out of my control. I said yes, but did I really mean it?
Desperately wanting a man to stand in my defense. To fight for me, before he wants sex.
"I used to think prostitutes were the criminals. Not the victims. Everyone has a choice, right? She had the option of not agreeing to sex. But look at these women's faces. When you judge thousands of domestic violence cases, you learn what victims look like and what they don't. And every single woman brought in on a solicitation charge looks like a victim. I started studying statistics on women charged with selling their bodies. Every single woman has been the victim of another crime: domestic violence, abuse, incest, molestation, abandonment. But we prosecute them as the criminal."
So this judge made the decision to start viewing prostitutes not as criminals, but as victims. A second chance.
Sex taken from them. Not given. Even though they said yes. Even though they received something in return.
Every time I had sex I said yes to it. But I have always felt like something was taken from me. Even though every single time I thought I got what I wanted or needed that night.
Do you have a choice? And is that really the question? Is it really the word Yes or No that matters?
Did those women have the choice to say no to giving up their bodies in return for something else they desperately needed to make it through the day?
Do you? Do I? Out of the overflow of the heart, so the mouth speaks.
The ugly truth of prostitution is that those women don't really have a choice. The majority of them have been trafficked, and if you're familiar with trafficking, you know that it is kidnapping and slavery in it's most brutal, gruesome, despicable, evil form.
The ugly truth of prostitution is that those women exchanged sex for what they needed to get through that day alive, according to their past, their perspective, and the men who shaped their lives.
And the ugly truth of my sex life is that in the past, I have given every inch of my body in exchange for what I needed to get through that day alive, according to my past, my perspective, and the men who shaped my life and my culture.
That is why every woman in the room could relate to the desperation, pain, judgement, guilt, brokenness, and plea for mercy expressed by the prostitute.
Because I believe that as a woman who has had sex with men who did not commit their life and love to me, I am as that of a prostitute.
As are you, if you have also slept with a man before he married you.
I am not judging you. I am fighting heart and soul in your defense.
Because I know that you feel like you were the victim of another crime. A father who left. A man who broke your spirit. An emptiness that never ceases. Pain inflicted on you by another. A culture that tells you sex is all you're worth. Men who have degraded, devalued and destroyed women through pornography. A society that has lied to you about sex since the day you were born. The victim of men who refused to fight in your behalf; men who refused to fight for you. All of you.
Because I know that when you said yes, you thought he would stay. Because I know that when you said yes, you knew he wouldn't.
Because I know that you were in search of something other than sex, just as I was.
The truth is that when we want sex, we want passionate intimacy. We want a man to want us. We want him to actively, physically demonstrate his intense desire for us - over everything else he could be doing at this very moment.
We want closeness. We want to feel needed, wanted; to feel like we both fully satisfy and are satisfied by another.
I'm not eliminating our desire for physical pleasure, or to put it bluntly, saying that "women just want to be wanted, we don't care about getting off."
No. What I'm pointing out is that when we crave sex, we are craving things that can't be delivered by getting ourselves off. Otherwise we would be forever content with that.
And this is how we identify how powerful sex is.
I am not jaded when it comes to sex. I am not pandering abstinence because traditional Christianity labels all self-indulgence as "sin."
I want it. I enjoy it. It frustrates me when I cannot have it. But I have learned that "sex will satisfy me" is a lie, and comes at great cost.
Beloved woman, would you still be turned on if the man in your bed said:
"You're sexy, but I might decide another woman is sexier later."
"You are beautiful, but not enough to make me yours forever."
"I love you, but I can't promise I'll protect you, in fact - I'll probably hurt you instead."
"I love getting you off, but if you get pregnant, I might not be the dad."
"I love your body, but only because you're hot. And I'm watching porn when I'm not with you."
"I want you more than anything, but just tonight. It will be different next week."
"I came over because you're easy sex and I don't have to really love you to get anything."
"I want your beauty and your warmth and your body, but nothing else."
Whether or not the man you are sleeping with is saying these things out loud, these statements are being branded into your mind, body & heart every single time you have sex outside of marriage.
Because they are all true, when sex is had without a diamond on your finger. There is no guarantee that a man is staying, that he loves you and is committed to you - and so these statements are inherently true. And there is nothing that the best intentions can do to alter their truth.
Even if you are content with going through with sex, and sacrificing what you know you want or deserve in order for temporary companionship, comfort, "love," or physical pleasure, you WILL start to believe certain things about yourself, other men, and other women.
You will start to believe that you are no better. That men are no better.
It will alter your view of sex, love, relationships, and men. But most importantly, it will alter your view of yourself.
It will name you Prostitute when your precious, broken heart begs a man to see you as the woman you always wanted to be.
We are a generation of women who have been convinced by the men in our lives that sex is what we have to give in order to attain what we need to get through life.
I crave Something, and men have convinced me that sex will fill it.
Be honest with me. When you tell yourself that you want sex, did you come to this conclusion by yourself? Or is it the product of the men in your life and the culture you live in? I challenge you to sit down and wrestle through this.
Are you the criminal, or are you the victim of a broken world, in dire need of Love in it's true form?
Women, we have sold ourselves.
And it is breaking us.
The human body is not built to withstand regrettable sex. We are not built to give everything before he has stepped up and committed to give us everything back. This is why you feel like something has been taken, even though you said yes.
Women, you are not built to have sex with a man who has not committed his heart, mind and body to you for the rest of your life.
I beg of you to join me in saying No.
Saying No to the lie that sex alone will satisfy what you crave.
Saying No to men until one of them loves you enough to promise to give, not to take. For the rest of his life.
I beg of you to sit at the foot of Jesus with me as Prostitute. As he gives us new names, and fights in our behalf.
Men: This was written for women. It is my great hope that you will be a man who stands up and defends the value of women, and resolves to protect a woman's identity as well as her body, spirit and heart. A loved and respected woman is of infinite value to you. My man writes on sex & pornography. Read more here. And yes, we are waiting.
Men & Women: I run Good Women Project, and we are doing a giveaway of the book Love & War by John & Staci Eldredge. Go leave a comment here if you would like to enter to win.
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Monday, May 23, 2011
The Most Important Thing
"It’s 12:33am on a Sunday, and I haven’t slept in my own bed or shaved my legs in my own shower in about two months.
I haven’t been alone for more than 30 waking minutes since March 24th.
I went to a new church today. Two of them, actually.
I have holes in my boots and a blister from flip-flops given to me by a woman who knew I needed them.
I just missed an important credit card payment on accident, and they don’t take apology letters.
I can’t decide if I’m more upset that I decided to wait for marriage, or that I’m not already married.
I just want to sleep next to him right now.
I’ve been sitting at this damn table for two hours now, looking at this little list of things, wondering whose idea it was to give me a platform of any sort. "
Read the rest of my post on DeeperStory.com today >>>
I haven’t been alone for more than 30 waking minutes since March 24th.
I went to a new church today. Two of them, actually.
I have holes in my boots and a blister from flip-flops given to me by a woman who knew I needed them.
I just missed an important credit card payment on accident, and they don’t take apology letters.
I can’t decide if I’m more upset that I decided to wait for marriage, or that I’m not already married.
I just want to sleep next to him right now.
I’ve been sitting at this damn table for two hours now, looking at this little list of things, wondering whose idea it was to give me a platform of any sort. "
Read the rest of my post on DeeperStory.com today >>>
Monday, May 16, 2011
Injecting Purpose Into Your Life Before It's Too Late
"Life" overwhelms me. Not every morning I wake up - - just the word itself.
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Note: This post was triggered by an incredibly awesome late-night table discussion with some good people I've been hanging out with this week in Savannah, GA. Josh Lind runs The Fusionist, and we ended up all making a list of 10 things that make our life worth really living. You know, the things that you remember experiencing, and you know in your heart of hearts that life is truly good? My list is over at The Fusionist. Please take a moment to read my guest post there, and leave your 10 things!
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Are you following me on Twitter? Do it here: @laurenlankford
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Probably because whenever I hear a word, I have some sort of visual image of it in my head. But the word "life?" I can't see anything. I can barely grasp it.
What IS it?
It's something that's so broad it can't be defined. And when we try, we do a pretty bad job of it - probably because the majority of us live in nice little organized bubbles filled with people that are either in the same grade, the same field, the same stage of life, or the same lifestyle. Just lots of You's, and all right now. Too few differences, and we only see what we know.
It's something that's so broad it can't be defined. And when we try, we do a pretty bad job of it - probably because the majority of us live in nice little organized bubbles filled with people that are either in the same grade, the same field, the same stage of life, or the same lifestyle. Just lots of You's, and all right now. Too few differences, and we only see what we know.
When was the last time you saw someone die? Do you know what the inside of a 62 year old's mind looks like, suddenly widowed and estranged from her grown children? I can't possibly know what her life was, is, or will be - what was important to her, how she made defining life choices, what she clung to, or what she regretted most.
And not once has Death dealt its blow in the same room I was in, forcing me to grasp the brevity of my body's ability to keep functioning.
After 23 probably-a-bit-stranger-than-yours years, and the past 47 days sleeping in strangers' houses, my mental projection of future-Life is fuzzier than the antique radio you just picked up at Goodwill.
The primary lesson I've learned is that there is no normal. Every single person (and family) is a wildly unique, intricate mess - and there are no two alike. When you start crossing state lines, belief systems, extreme family histories, and life stages, most of them are so different you experience a mild level of culture shock. (47 consecutive days and nights of baby culture shocks translates to permanent jet-lag, in case you were wondering.)
I'm not faced with the widow's regret. I haven't experienced 50 years of working a "good" job, waking up to realize that my priorities were all out of line. I can't chase Corporate America for 40 years to see if I can break six figures, and then go back to try chasing radical relationships and spur of the moment adventure for 40 more to see if I feel more fulfilled that way.
And not once has Death dealt its blow in the same room I was in, forcing me to grasp the brevity of my body's ability to keep functioning.
After 23 probably-a-bit-stranger-than-yours years, and the past 47 days sleeping in strangers' houses, my mental projection of future-Life is fuzzier than the antique radio you just picked up at Goodwill.
The primary lesson I've learned is that there is no normal. Every single person (and family) is a wildly unique, intricate mess - and there are no two alike. When you start crossing state lines, belief systems, extreme family histories, and life stages, most of them are so different you experience a mild level of culture shock. (47 consecutive days and nights of baby culture shocks translates to permanent jet-lag, in case you were wondering.)
I'm not faced with the widow's regret. I haven't experienced 50 years of working a "good" job, waking up to realize that my priorities were all out of line. I can't chase Corporate America for 40 years to see if I can break six figures, and then go back to try chasing radical relationships and spur of the moment adventure for 40 more to see if I feel more fulfilled that way.
It has been these things, these experiences, that make me realize how much I covet wisdom.
We don't get do-overs in life. We get to choose one way of living, and that's all we've got.
So what is at our core, that we can truly cling to and live by?
Do you have a life mission? A goal? Something bigger than you that you're working for? Something worth making sacrifices over?
If someone gave you an index card and asked you to write down the purpose of your life, could you?
I'm not bringing anything new to the table today. We've been told our whole lives that money can't buy happiness, that love makes the world go round, and now in this generation that quitting your 9-5 job is going to catapult you into a kickass life worth blogging about.
But catchphrases aren't enough. Quitting your job doesn't guarantee you a purpose if you didn't have one already. It just guarantees less money, and a schedule so flexible it's almost panic-attack inducing. Quitting your job is only worth it if it's a sacrifice you're making for a very specific life God has called you to.
Because it's not what you're doing, it's how you're doing it.
When my road splits, I have to have some sort of foundation to make decisions by. I need to have pre-determined truths and priorities that I know I will fight to keep present in my daily life.
I know that 4 years ago I wrote on an index card, "that she would show love, grace and compassion to everyone she met, regardless of what was shown to her." That's what I want people to say of me when I die. Because I don't know if I'll die at the hands of a crazy tribe warrior, or silently in my own million dollar home. But I've decided that either way, I'll die happy if people know me by that.
I know what I'll make sacrifices for: love, grace and compassion.
I want to keep those three things alive in everything I do. For the rest of my life. Whatever it looks like.
We don't get do-overs in life. We get to choose one way of living, and that's all we've got.
So what is at our core, that we can truly cling to and live by?
Do you have a life mission? A goal? Something bigger than you that you're working for? Something worth making sacrifices over?
If someone gave you an index card and asked you to write down the purpose of your life, could you?
I'm not bringing anything new to the table today. We've been told our whole lives that money can't buy happiness, that love makes the world go round, and now in this generation that quitting your 9-5 job is going to catapult you into a kickass life worth blogging about.
But catchphrases aren't enough. Quitting your job doesn't guarantee you a purpose if you didn't have one already. It just guarantees less money, and a schedule so flexible it's almost panic-attack inducing. Quitting your job is only worth it if it's a sacrifice you're making for a very specific life God has called you to.
Because it's not what you're doing, it's how you're doing it.
When my road splits, I have to have some sort of foundation to make decisions by. I need to have pre-determined truths and priorities that I know I will fight to keep present in my daily life.
I know that 4 years ago I wrote on an index card, "that she would show love, grace and compassion to everyone she met, regardless of what was shown to her." That's what I want people to say of me when I die. Because I don't know if I'll die at the hands of a crazy tribe warrior, or silently in my own million dollar home. But I've decided that either way, I'll die happy if people know me by that.
I know what I'll make sacrifices for: love, grace and compassion.
I want to keep those three things alive in everything I do. For the rest of my life. Whatever it looks like.
I challenge you to chase wisdom. To sit down and talk with someone twice your age. Save yourself a lifetime of regret. Save yourself wasted time, energy spent on things that won't be worth it. Determine what you want to be known for. Write it down. Flesh out your understanding of life and a life worth living.
Be one of those few people that doesn't know exactly what they're doing, but knows exactly how they're doing it.
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"Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble." I Peter 3:7-9
"My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you." John 15:12
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"Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble." I Peter 3:7-9
"My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you." John 15:12
"Do you now believe? You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me. I have told you these things that you may have peace. In the world you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world." - John 16:31-33
- - -
Note: This post was triggered by an incredibly awesome late-night table discussion with some good people I've been hanging out with this week in Savannah, GA. Josh Lind runs The Fusionist, and we ended up all making a list of 10 things that make our life worth really living. You know, the things that you remember experiencing, and you know in your heart of hearts that life is truly good? My list is over at The Fusionist. Please take a moment to read my guest post there, and leave your 10 things!
- - -
Are you following me on Twitter? Do it here: @laurenlankford
Be a fan on Facebook. It's the best way to keep up. Do that here.
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