Sunday, February 19, 2012

Video Series: "My boyfriend is watching porn?!" #2

Second video in the series is up! You can share this link: http://vimeo.com/37043951 or you can view the video below.

The first video is here: vimeo.com/36867113

Recommended reading for this segment is Chapters 1, 2 & 3 in "Living With Your Husband's Secret Wars" by Marsha Means. You can purchase it online, used, for about $5 including S&H at bestbookbuys.com. If you are committed to staying in this relationship with your boyfriend, I ask you to invest in purchasing the book as well as Sex & The Soul Of A Woman by Paula Rinehart, Pure Eyes by Gross & Luff, and Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend.


"My BF Is Watching Porn?!" #2 from Lauren Dubinsky on Vimeo.




In this video, Lauren talks about:
#1 - Validating your hurt, grief, betrayal
#2 - Different types of natural responses - unhealthy vs healthy
#3 - Evaluating your personal emotional health
#4 - Identifying the lies you believe (IE. "this is my fault")
#5 - Co-dependency tendencies & healthy detachment
#6 - Finding community & a confidant
#7 - Coming to terms that you cannot change or save him
#8 - Evaluating the relationship as a whole

You can grab the full outline of the video in PDF here.

25 comments:

PokednProdded said...

I know it feels a bit like blowing my own horn here, but the bit on co-dependency reminded me of something that I had written in December on the whole "Jesus is your boyfriend" thing.
"You don't need a boyfriend. You don't need a man. You NEED to find your fulfillment and contentment and joy in the situation in which you find yourself because God has placed you there for every good reason. You may not see it now, but believe me, it's good because God designed it specifically for you. If that place is singleness, then take joy in the fact that you are more free to do ministry to large groups of people. If that place is in a relationship, then take joy in the fact that you are able to do ministry to that specific person and WITH that specific person."

That's all. Beautifully spoken. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Lauren, thanks so much for being so brave and doing this video series. You are so helpful and insightful and I'm really enjoying it.

Wanted to ask you something non-related: I love the content of your blogs and videos and the heart that comes through them. I'm confused though about some of your pictures which I think portray you in a highly sexualised light (the black and white one of you in a t-shirt and heels, for example). I'm a big fan of art and fashion and so I understand the tension, but had you down as a modesty-champion as you are OBVIOUSLY so much more than a great pair of legs. What's your thinking on this?

Brad said...

Maybe when you talk about pornography, you could refrain from wearing such low-cut shirts...

Anonymous said...

Maybe people could quit picking apart anything and everything. Maybe. But I doubt it. I guess women should dress in potato sacks and refrain from being feminine in the way they dress. Whatever, though, I digress.

Lauren, I am touched by your video and what you're doing for Jesus. <3

Victoria said...

Hey Brad, maybe you should refrain from demeaning comments toward Lauren because you find her cleavage distracting. You came to her page not to find what you were looking for, but to bring her down. It's men like you who prevent women from feeling anything but below sub-par because we're not allowed to feel beautiful in a V-neck.

Anonymous said...

I get what Brad is saying. At its root, porn is about lust. If a man is coming to seek a safe place as he struggles with addictions to lust, watching a video in which a woman's breasts are half-exposed it just hurtful. It's not helping, and it's wholly inconsiderate.

Overthinking Mama said...

This isn't exactly a comment on this post.. but on another... One thing I have learned and was reminded of this very recently... that someone is always going to misunderstand and will try and tear you down, no matter how wonderful of a person you are. When you put yourself out there as a Christian, it seems that everyone is trying to find some thing to show that you are no where close to being what they believe a Christian should be.
Keep doing what you are doing love. You are wonderful person. You speak your heart and it touches many others, me included. I am so glad that I have found your blog. :-)

Blessings!!

laurennicolelove.com said...

@Anonymous: Never in a million years would I try to counsel a man struggling with pornography or attempt to be a safe place for him. This is why I'm doing a video series for WOMEN, not for MEN. Men need to seek counsel from men, and if they are coming to me for counsel or a safe place, they need to get their act together and find a man to sit down and be honest with.

theundergroundmicaela.com said...

Ha if you don't like the blog or it's pictures then move along. This blog helps a whole lot more women than it does 'offend' or 'hurt' ridiculous anonymous commenters.

Elizabeth said...

Hey Lauren,

Just wanted to say you're beautiful and thank you for your post just earlier about emotional rape. It's sad to witness how the victims are blamed for other people's wrongs.

I have learnt a lot following your blogs. I thank you for all your honest, encouraging, thoughtful, and edifying posts. God is truly working through you! Keep loving in His grace as you do!

katylarson3 said...

This series couldn't come at a better time for me, either. I'm currently in a group with women wrestling through different purity struggles together. I'm dealing with this in my relationship, too. I am so thankful to use this is another avenue to learn from you and will be getting these books as well.

Be blessed, sister.

Katie said...

Just because you have a beautiful body and you know it, doesn't mean you 'have the right' to expose it. If you know your friend struggles with alcoholism, it is your duty to provide an alcohol-free environment when you invite him or her into your home. When you invite women AND men into your blog, it is YOUR duty to dress modestly, lest you cause him or her to stumble (You might want to rethink your leggy photograph). 1 corinthians 8. Asking women to cover up is in NO WAY calling their body something to be ashamed of. It is acknowledging the female form as precious and treasured and worthy of a husband's eyes alone. You are so much more than the size of your breasts or the sexiness of your legs... I wonder why you feel the need to be 'sexually liberated' and show them off. Give the fellas a break from the onslaught of pornography and advertising and dress as a chaste child of GOD. You seem to be too focused on yourself and your image to sympathize with others' struggles.

Brad said...

"If our clothing (or lack of it) distracts others, then we sin, we miss the mark"

http://www.pravmir.com/bishop-benjamin-of-san-francisco-we-listen-to-god-because-we-really-love-him/

May the Lord have mercy on us all. Forgive me, a sinner, Lauren. Did not mean to offend any of you.

B said...

This is a blog for women. If it is not helping you then do not read it. Do not condemn Lauren and do harm to her when she is only trying to help others. I am completed dumbfounded that you find it necessary to say the words you did. If she is "too focused on herself” she would not take the time and effort to make numerous blogs or the GWP, which she made to encourage and support women.

Unfortunately I feel like it’s really easy to let negative comments overshadow all the positive. I encourage you, Lauren, not to let this hinder your desire to help other. You have touched many peoples hearts. Please keep strong against the negativity and pray that God gives you the strength to overcome the pettiness.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for the encouragement through this video. I'm going through this struggle right now with my boyfriend and processing/praying through it. It's great to hear a clear Christian perspective when so many people around me keep making me question the truth I see in Scripture. Thank you so very much for being a voice on this issue when I couldn't find anyone else to listen to.

Anonymous said...

Don't let the negative comments overshadow all the positive indeed.

But also, don't let all of the critical comments get ignored because the positive ones tell you to. You put yourself out on the blog, you open yourself to criticism. And check out the book of Proverbs: part of the sanctification process is being willing to both consider and take correction. It makes you wise in the end, even though it can seem degrading.

I'm not saying TAKE these people's advice right off the bat, but I AM saying that you should consider it.

I've read that blog about emotional rape. And you seem to be presenting only one side of men (this is coming from a woman with some of the same background as you): the uncontrolled sex drive, the dirty, disgusting nature of some who have let that drive consume them. But you forget to talk about men that legitimately struggle with their sexual purity, make war against it, like your husband, who first encouraged ME in my battle for sexual purity.

It's these men that as sisters in Christ, we cannot be responsible for, but we can HELP them out of love. And it has become obvious, not in just the above argument but everywhere else as well, that plunging necklines on sisters in Christ are NOT helpful in that war. We may not understand that. But we can try, as you are talking about above, to know the ins and the outs of the battle a little more.

Anonymous said...

ohh sexy sexy

Heather said...

Lauren, thank you for digging deep into this topic. When you say that it feels like violence is being done to you, it is so true. I had a boyfriend at one time that obsessively watched pornography on a daily basis. Even waking up one morning on my birthday to find him watching it. It cut me to the core. I am thankfully in a beautiful relationship with someone new now and engaged to be married. I just wanted to make sure that I took a moment to express how grateful I am to see you help validate what women feel when they come face to face with this type of situation.

Anonymous said...

Wow, what loving Christians we have on this page. Christ would be SO proud.

People are so cut throat on the internet! How easy it is to criticize Lauren because you don't have to say it to her face. How easy it is to verbalize her mistakes because she can't hear your voice. You type your self-righteous comments anonymously and "wash your hands" of this issue.

Ghandi said “I would have become a Christian if it weren’t for the Christians.” I can't think of anything worse than making Christ look unattractive. Obviously, the Christians around him were being a great reflection of Christ and Matthew 28: 19.

We are to build each other up and encourage one another. Who are you? WHO ARE YOU to say anything convicting to her? She is a daughter of God and a co-heir with Christ. You are called and commanded to do nothing more than love her.

From the mouth of Jesus. "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." Matthew 7:3-5

Whether she was in the right or wrong is NOT your call and definitely not your place. That is reserved for her Creator, our Creator.

Lauren is going out of her way to help girls who are genuinely struggling with this. She is pulling many resources for this, she reading books and putting together a whole mini-series just to help other sisters in Christ. Lauren is devoting so much time, effort, love, creativity, and wisdom, for what? So you can ridicule her? Lauren may never know how this may impact another's life. She isn't going to see the fruits of labor (through Christ). She is being completely selfless and helping others, for nothing in return. However, she is receiving negative comments. How kind!

Also, remember context. I'm sure you have all been to a beach. I'm sure you have walked down an aisle of Walmart or a gas station and see girls in a bikini. I'm sure you've been to a wedding where a bride wore a strapless dress. Maybe your daughter wore a Homecoming dress that people on here would rudely comment on. Attacking your parenting style and your daughter's morals. Women breast feed in public. Did you go up to them and say "Excuse me, you're offending me. You're causing my lust to flame up."? No, you wouldn't. But here you are throwing words at Lauren. I'm sure in five seconds you are going to turn on the TV and see a Victoria's Secret commercial.

She is not giving out "free samples" or trying to seduce anyone. That is your struggle being projected onto her character. She is not perfect, you are not perfect, nobody is perfect. You are not the one to inform her of that.

I know you think your opinion is best, but maybe you could take a lesson from Thumper.


Lauren, thank you so much for all of your writing. I have you starred at the top of my browser so I can just click on your L icon. I found your blog by chance and it was just a blessing from God. I was deeply struggling and your post was exactly what I needed to here. And also, THANK YOU FOR BEING A REAL GIRL. You wear makeup and you do your hair. You are fashionable and beautiful and there is nothing wrong or unChrist-like about that. You are a godly woman that doesn't dress like a Mormon. And I'm a 20 year old girl that looks up to you.

So thank you.


P.S. If you want to respond proudly to this or think your comment needs to counteract whatever I said, fine. Do what you need to do to "justify" your words. We are called to love.

All in love,
a grateful fan <3

Laura said...

I wanted to comment on your latest post but they are disabled to protect your heart... BUT, I just wanted to say, amen sister... you put into words what I can't seem to... LOVE your blog (I've been stalking for too long;))

Anonymous said...

I am a man who used to be addicted to porn. I can say from experience that porn and lust are issues of the heart, not environment. My goal became to reach a place where what I see wouldn't affect my thoughts. You can't always control what you see. You can control your reaction.

Anonymous said...

I'm hoping this series continues! I really miss it, and it was so helpful to me! Despite some discouragement and negativity along the way, I really hope you can come back and finish this soon. :)

Megs said...

hi lauren.

i just have to comment. i found max's blog a couple days ago, and have since read so much of his and yours. the things you two talk about make so much sense to me, and are things i wish i could say myself. you two are brave, and you talk about the things that need to be said. i'm in a strong relationship with an incredible man, and so many of these issues are things we have or do struggle with. religion takes a lot of crap, men take a lot of crap, women take a lot of crap--the idea that you can be in a respectul, sexy, devouted relationship, work through problems and even prevent them before they arise, treat each other well, that is what we work for and look to. thanks for talking about the hard things, for being amazing, and for inspiring me to keep fighting the good fight. i'm a devouted follower now, for sure.

so much love to you two.

Anonymous said...

The advice and encouragement you are giving to women in this situation is fantastic! I do have one concern though. Six years ago I was a man overcoming my pornography addiction. I beat it, but my motivation was for my girlfriend. Now, 4 years into being married to her, that motivation does not have the strength that it once did. As that motivation has waned, I have turned back to porn. I now realize that I changed my outward behavior for something I wanted. My heart of lust was never truly addressed. The only motivation that can last is the desire for communion with Jesus, and the only cure is His Love.

Having said all of that, I almost feel bad for posting a critique because I agree so thoroughly with everything else. Thank you for helping women be whole in the face of the sin of men like me.

Anonymous said...

I randomly came across this and am openminded and try try try to be gracefilled but in regard to what some people have commented i was a little surprised by the pic and video. yes you are beautiful. your story is beautiful. but i am distracted......

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