Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Depression: A Stream of Consciousness. A Fight.

note. i wrote this a year ago or so, in the middle of severe depression & a mess of everything else. i stumbled on it a month ago and it won't stop bouncing around my head and heart. so i'm putting it here. chew the meat, spit out the bones. its a live stream of consciousness, and i like watching my train of thought, and the conclusion i came to. as wrecked as it was. pardon the language. this is what the inside looks like sometimes. and some days i cannot believe i am no longer here.




Truth. What the hell is the truth. Those god awful moments you have when you remember your first middle and last name all at once and who you are and what your past is and who you’re supposed to be. When you can completely remove yourself from the person that slept with those guys, smoked that shit, drank that alcohol, cussed out that girl, didn’t get out of bed for three days, hated everyone and everything at once, genuinely wanted to give up, was numb and on fire at the exact same time. Those moments when that person isn’t you, and you wonder why on earth you ever did, said, or felt any of those things because really, you’re perfectly fine and have all the hope and potential and clarity in the world. What the fuck are those moments. What is real and what is truth and who is me and who is not. Everything is easy to overcome in those fleeting seconds. I don’t care. It doesn’t have to make sense. I don’t have to make sense. I don’t have to be consistent. I don’t report to anyone and who gives a shit if for every hour that I fall apart I can pour myself into making something beautiful. I can’t avoid extremes. Extremes are what make life LIFE. But no more mutually exclusive extremes. No more blacks or whites. Blacks AND whites. I can admit that I have crutches. I’m not okay, I won’t be okay, no one is ever okay. Not the point. Pills. Doctor appointments. Nights at the hospital. Caffeine. Sex regretted. Reputations ruined. Alcohol. The addiction to anything that won’t leave you in the silence. I’ll keep all of them and be fine, so long as they remain admittedly crutches and not what defines who I am or what I do. They are secondary to who I am and what I am DOING. What are we doing. Those crutches exist so that I can keep doing what I want. They don’t stop me from doing what I want. Blacks AND whites, not blacks or whites, remember? Beautiful, beautiful things. If I inspire others, I will die happy. So what if I define myself by what I create? I love it. Isn’t that the god damn point. Not defining myself by what I create has left me creating nothing because I’ve renounced what it means to me and instead picked up loneliness, hurt, abandonment, worthlessness, confusion, indecision, and in turn, these crutches. Get yourself together, self. Blacks AND whites. Ups AND downs. Move move move move move. Stop STOP trying to fit with reality. Go back to your alternate universe. You’ll function out of habit enough to make it through life, but get your mind out of this, here, now, because this, THIS, is all just shit. Think about beautiful things, make beautiful things, create stories, novels, wishes, dreams, hopes, make-believe. Be over dramatic if that’s what you want. Stop boring the entire world with trying to get your shit together enough to be normal. I can’t, I try, it makes it worse. I want to NOT FIGHT the tendency to be addicted and STOP TRYING to do ‘all things in moderation.’ Be addicted. Be consumed. Just CHOOSE THE RIGHT ADDICTION. Choose what is beautiful. Choose what is worth it.

11 comments:

Alice said...

This is great. I want to post similar stuff from my darkest times, but it's so scary! Maybe I'll find the courage to do it after reading this! I'm glad you're not there anymore. Going through such darkness is so bad, but I think once you are out the other side you have so much more appreciation for everything good. If that makes sense... :)

Brandon said...

this blog is awesome! Love the look of it.

check out mine? i'm a photographer.

www.electricbrandon.com

you should follow it too! thanks :)

MK said...

i love this. as someone who has dealt with depression for most of my life, i am always inspired to read others experience with it, during and after.

Emmy said...

"Be addicted. Be consumed. Just CHOOSE THE RIGHT ADDICTION. Choose what is beautiful. Choose what is worth it."

I love that. I feel as though there are some things we should be addicted to.

But it's scary to go back into our past and see what went through our heads. I know some of my past journal entires or blogs probably have some frightening things in them. But what's even more amazing is how God can bring light through that darkness! You're beautiful because of that past darkness, and how God has worked through it. <3

Just me said...

This is amazing! I love your heart, Lauren, so much.

And you'd better believe you inspire people. Daily. All the time.

Katherine Michael said...

"STOP TRYING to do ‘all things in moderation.’ Be addicted. Be consumed. Just CHOOSE THE RIGHT ADDICTION. Choose what is beautiful. Choose what is worth it."

Speaking to my heart today. Thanks for sharing.

StephSpringer said...

Love your blog, Love the good women project. This is beautiful and even though it came from such a dark place I think it's something that all women can, in some way, at some point in time, relate to. Makes me think back to my dark times and shudder, then say a prayer of thanks that I have moved on to a better place. Have you ever read John & Stasi Eldredge's "Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul"? If not - huge recommend. Just finished & it was life-changing. and helped me to let go of so much residual guilt from the kind of dark times you described so poignantly in the above.

iheartvegetables said...

Your blog posts always inspire me. I feel like you can stop me in my tracks and really THINK about something. Impressive :)

Anonymous said...

this post. for some reason, made me think of when i wrote this. perhaps because it sounds like i am and have been in a very similar darkness you were in when you wrote that stream..


for someone to ask how i am... seems like an impossibility for me to answer. i so desperately want to express myself and be known, i crave a common understanding, but am left feeling even more alone and empty. the only simple thing about it is that i cannot answer the question. how am i? on what level? in what sense? emotionally? spiritually? physically? mentally? socially? within the confines of my own mind? or how am i in relation to time and space? or where i am in the world and culturally? how am i, in this moment? a couple hours back? last week? tomorrow? how am i, how am i.. how will i be... how was i. how am i? i can't say. so i say, i'm fine. how are you?

Mallory said...

Thank you. This is exactly what I needed to read today. You're awesome genuineness is beautiful.

Jen said...

Lauren,

I've been following Max's blogs for a couple weeks now, and have just now stumbled across yours... One word caught my eye on this paticular blog, d e p r e s s i o n. I've been struggling for the past 2 years or so with so much and I can honestly relate to every element, every word of this post. I stumbled across this at the right time, the most beautiful time, on Easter Day. My face is still tear stained from reading, but know that the Lord has used your writing today. Thank you so much for sharing.

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