+ thoughts on impatience, healing, and life +

i apologize for keeping these to myself...

i love my jesus.

and i love the evolution of prayer...

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i still fight to understand. i still fight to be peace. but what have i to prove? i am made complete in a grace that is incomprehensible. i am defined as beauty while the eye still sees disaster. it is in this disaster that beauty is found and it is in the absence of disaster that beauty has no eager existence. and so the morning becomes new in it's state of perfected chaos. all will fall silent with the whisper of one unexplainable phrase: grace, provide what you require. contradictions of every nature are instantly held hostage by the cornerless blanket of grace. it is in essence the undoing of the root of separation. good and evil are the antonyms of 'all are accepted in perfect love.' we seek to label the right and the wrong yet grace fights its gentle battles slowly but surely showing us how weightless they are. so fight with grace, on the side the provides what it requires. fight against your mind's desire to understand the grief and the suffocated love. cry out for peace but only through grace, for it alone will heal the obsession of ending yesterday and today's uncontrollable actions. shed your tears to fill the artist's glass. he cannot move on to the next hue without your willingness to wipe the remains from the last one clean. and if you cannot find the strength to do so, you have only to believe that grace will take the power of your obsession and that with it, it will search for everything it requires.

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Will I ever not be torn? Will these scars on my heart last forever? Are restoration and healing words that we throw around but never experience? I understand that death and pain can bring life and healing, but how much hurt has to come before I can feel enough to believe I am alive? I want real to be more than a four letter word. I want to give myself away entirely so that I can finally be free from the chains I keep myself under. Life is a state of being, not a continuum of days passing nights. How many days will I live before I find the state of being? Will I ever arrive there? Will it arrive here? I want pure joy, free from the tinges of pain and moments of surprise tears. I want to run in the desert and sing for the mountains and know that you see all of it and are laughing with me. I want to hear you say, "daughter, your faith has healed you." Do I not have this faith? Do I know that you and you alone bring everything I desire? I am only a little girl in a world filled with pretty things. I confess my forgetfulness and the distractions that so easily steal my eyes and sometimes my heart. Distract me; distract me with your beauty, your freedom, the blue skies that I pursued for so long. Fill me with your all consuming fire so that a cold flame will not ignite. Forgive my unspoken obsession with things I cannot see. Place your hand over my eyes and whisper in my ear of your love and your completion. I give you permission to take me over by force. I submit to your love. Protect me and strip the temptation from the beauty. Begin the evolution into the abundant life I have desired and sought for so long. Be my light during the nighttime and all that comes with it.