I have so much to do before sleeping
I am sitting in a puddle
of little girl little love little do you remember
when you were too scared to move
the monsters in your mind
could almost beat out daddy by your side
tracing circles on the sheets and
invisible claws underneath
i'm so full of little girl little love oh so full
of nightmares and memories of hair bows and shadowed screams
bitter baby find the traces
of truer fantasies patterned with ties and laces
oh how your form softened
before you knew what they wanted
how your eyes sharpened and greyed
while he chiseled away her lossless faith
oh i'm so full
so very full
gripped, crystalized and
glassy eyes staring wide
she wouldn't know for years
her breath was frozen
and every element caught beneath the glass
trace slower, slower
the path tied up the forest in her heart
treading softer than she could
crushing crushing crushing
caught between every birthing cry
the path goes on forever
twisting
by speaking
by silence
killing two hearts with
only
one
stone.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
+ only one stone. +
Friday, February 4, 2011
+ Words, words, words. +
I’m still getting caught in my mind. Too many things catch my eye and force themselves inward. I crave heat. Lines and corners close me down until I pick up eyeliner in a no-commitment attempt to find change. So scared, so safe; be ashamed. I can hear the bass. And I can hear silence. Distracted by skin, I live through women who have no reputations and borrowed bank accounts. Faux hawks, full sleeves, I almost had you. I trace the edges of serifs in my minds eye and am too scared to dig them into my skin. I can’t remember the last time I could breathe. I tried last week with a cigarette but the winter air slapped me across the cheek for thinking I could do such a thing here. I stain white things on accident and innocent things on purpose. You were my outlet. I make plans to rip open necklines in hopes of using my collarbones as reminders that the sun will come. I choose heavy boots to prove to my thin legs that I’m walking; walking is moving; moving is progressing; progressing is finding what I had, right? I’m fine, really. I just can’t live without extremes.
there’s something scratching at my heart
and
it’s bleeding to get out
and
i keep my hands behind my back
so that
it’s not my fault when it gets loose
but
i need you here to hold me down
so
i can sever all these roots
will you
silence all this lace that’s slowly
been
tearing at my face
because
i’m unsure of the violent nature
that
it’s showing signs of taking
and
i need a witness to my faith
that
i’m only changing shape
not
in the beginning stage of breaking
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Grief, Lightning Storms, & A Broken Spirit.
I hugged my knees and stared up as far as I could. I watched the lightning flash across the Arizona sky and the outline of palm trees trace themselves against faint mountains in the distance.
My throat constricted as I tried to get out the words, "Daddy. Where are you. Where."
It was around midnight, and this had become my habit over the last two weeks. I fought through the day with all the hope in the world, and as soon as everyone else was asleep, my chest began aching with an intensity I was learning to expect. I escaped outside every night to sit alone in the cul-de-sac and watch the lightning storms. And cry.
The skies were strange here. Ohio lightning meant storms, and bad ones. Phoenix lightning meant God was in the sky, playing games. Reminding me that he was here, and that he was the same God, with the same stars, that had been present with me in every state I'd lived in.
Two hours of crying, every night, for weeks. Two hours of lightning storms. Two hours of learning that God was my father, and finding that I loved him - not just needed him. Two hours of asking why. Two hours of replaying in my mind years of things I will never repeat to anyone. Two hours of learning that I was held in a hand that adored me and had plans I wasn't expecting. Two hours of grief. Two hours of asking for nothing but God. Two hours of letting go of everything I'd ever known. I broke, every single night. Again, and again, and again.
I miss those lightning storms. I have never experienced so much love in so much pain.
Part of me misses having a heart ripped open and emotions entirely out of my control. Part of me misses having nothing to my name. When you've lost everything, and are at the complete mercy of God, there is a strange safety you feel that you will find nowhere else.
When your greatest fear arrives, you learn that your spirit breaks; your heart breaks - and your body survives. But blessed are the poor in spirit, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to them. Matthew 5:3, I love your promise.
And when the kingdom of heaven belongs to you, perfect love begins to cast out fear.
Those lightning storms taught me to call God, "Abba Father." They taught me that he was Daddy. Not just God. They taught me that grief is a gift. They taught me how to leave everything behind and what it meant to actually believe that God is good. Dark chocolate good. The one thing you always wanted good. Finally home good. They showed me that the guy up there operating the fireworks in the sky had nothing to do with religion, or the life I had left behind. He had to do with a love I'd never known - and a love and intimacy and place of belonging that I wanted for the rest of my life.
Those lightning storms taught me that I now fear nothing. Nothing.
I'm realizing that I write a lot about pain, grief, hurt. These are things we are programmed to shy away from, and to avoid at all costs. We all have our methods. We tell ourselves other people have it worse, that it's "just a feeling," or that we just can't deal with it right now. We rationalize our pain away and tell ourselves that tomorrow is more important than yesterday.
No. Today is all you've got.
If you are human, you are deathly sick. If you are in excruciating pain, you are blessed: Because you are being made aware of it. Pain is not our greatest enemy, comfort is. Get yourself to the operating room. Get outside and yell at God. Even if you are 100% convinced that you are yelling at the sky because you know he doesn't exist, get yourself to that operating room. Cry until your energy is sapped. The surgeon adores you, and he WILL show up.
Let me tell you something. Every time your heart breaks, you will lose little bits of it, like porcelain chips that are too small to glue back to the pieces of the plate. But if you let him, God will step in and be your glue - and the more your heart breaks, the more of it becomes God's heart.
One of my precious friends asked me last night what the point of living was. This is it.
I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. - Ezekiel 36:26
My throat constricted as I tried to get out the words, "Daddy. Where are you. Where."
It was around midnight, and this had become my habit over the last two weeks. I fought through the day with all the hope in the world, and as soon as everyone else was asleep, my chest began aching with an intensity I was learning to expect. I escaped outside every night to sit alone in the cul-de-sac and watch the lightning storms. And cry.
The skies were strange here. Ohio lightning meant storms, and bad ones. Phoenix lightning meant God was in the sky, playing games. Reminding me that he was here, and that he was the same God, with the same stars, that had been present with me in every state I'd lived in.
Two hours of crying, every night, for weeks. Two hours of lightning storms. Two hours of learning that God was my father, and finding that I loved him - not just needed him. Two hours of asking why. Two hours of replaying in my mind years of things I will never repeat to anyone. Two hours of learning that I was held in a hand that adored me and had plans I wasn't expecting. Two hours of grief. Two hours of asking for nothing but God. Two hours of letting go of everything I'd ever known. I broke, every single night. Again, and again, and again.
I miss those lightning storms. I have never experienced so much love in so much pain.
Part of me misses having a heart ripped open and emotions entirely out of my control. Part of me misses having nothing to my name. When you've lost everything, and are at the complete mercy of God, there is a strange safety you feel that you will find nowhere else.
When your greatest fear arrives, you learn that your spirit breaks; your heart breaks - and your body survives. But blessed are the poor in spirit, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to them. Matthew 5:3, I love your promise.
And when the kingdom of heaven belongs to you, perfect love begins to cast out fear.
Those lightning storms taught me to call God, "Abba Father." They taught me that he was Daddy. Not just God. They taught me that grief is a gift. They taught me how to leave everything behind and what it meant to actually believe that God is good. Dark chocolate good. The one thing you always wanted good. Finally home good. They showed me that the guy up there operating the fireworks in the sky had nothing to do with religion, or the life I had left behind. He had to do with a love I'd never known - and a love and intimacy and place of belonging that I wanted for the rest of my life.
Those lightning storms taught me that I now fear nothing. Nothing.
I'm realizing that I write a lot about pain, grief, hurt. These are things we are programmed to shy away from, and to avoid at all costs. We all have our methods. We tell ourselves other people have it worse, that it's "just a feeling," or that we just can't deal with it right now. We rationalize our pain away and tell ourselves that tomorrow is more important than yesterday.
No. Today is all you've got.
If you are human, you are deathly sick. If you are in excruciating pain, you are blessed: Because you are being made aware of it. Pain is not our greatest enemy, comfort is. Get yourself to the operating room. Get outside and yell at God. Even if you are 100% convinced that you are yelling at the sky because you know he doesn't exist, get yourself to that operating room. Cry until your energy is sapped. The surgeon adores you, and he WILL show up.
Let me tell you something. Every time your heart breaks, you will lose little bits of it, like porcelain chips that are too small to glue back to the pieces of the plate. But if you let him, God will step in and be your glue - and the more your heart breaks, the more of it becomes God's heart.
One of my precious friends asked me last night what the point of living was. This is it.
I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. - Ezekiel 36:26
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Introducing The Good Women Project!
Hey guys! On February 1st, I launched a new project: The Good Women Project. Please take a moment to watch this little intro video I just filmed to let you know a tiny bit about it. You can explore the website at www.goodwomenproject.com and follow us on Twitter at @GoodWomenProj.
Please shoot me an email at goodwomenproject[at]gmail.com if you have any questions or would like to contribute to the project.
The most recent post on The Good Women Project is titled, "Calla's Story: Emotional & Sexual Abuse." Check it out.
Love you all dearly.
Please shoot me an email at goodwomenproject[at]gmail.com if you have any questions or would like to contribute to the project.
The most recent post on The Good Women Project is titled, "Calla's Story: Emotional & Sexual Abuse." Check it out.
Love you all dearly.
How To Be A Millionaire By 25: Love Is The New Currency. Part 1.
I just walked by my co-worker's computer, whose screen was filled with an image of Mark Zuckerberg, with "How To Be A Millionaire By 25" stamped across it.
We are conditioned to believe that money will make us happy. Particularly if it's above the million dollar mark. I've never seen an article titled, "How To Be A Ten Thousandaire," even though for a lot of us, this would solve our immediate financial problems and provide a flight to our most coveted vacation destination.
I don't need to tell you that money won't make you happy. It will probably make you happier, but ultimately, it won't achieve "The Happy."
So, I have taken it upon myself to write a better article; one that doesn't include telling you how to code yourself into millions of dollars while losing friends and becoming nearsighted along the way. Here goes.
Realize that you cannot fix your own problems; you need others. Old hurts, daddy issues, image issues, personality flaws, post traumatic stress disorder, depression, selfishness, an inferiority complex, pride, distrust, there are so many. I have dealt with all that I just listed. Acknowledge them. Admit them out loud. And actively work on tackling the messed up parts of your heart and mind, with others. Get counseling. Get prayer. Confide in people who will work on rebuilding you. Childhood scars everyone, did you know that? We're born broken. We're born dysfunctional. We're born with the inherent need to lean on one another in order to find Love, and in doing so, rebuild our hearts.
Learn to give. I didn't give things naturally the first 20 years of my life. I didn't grow up being generous. 90% of the arguments I landed myself in during the first 15 years of my life stemmed from my sister taking things of mine. I've worked hard for everything I own, and it takes a heart-shift to realize that everything in our homes, bank accounts, pockets, and purses are not ours but God's. By the time you're 25, give regularly and give on a whim. What do I mean by this? Both are important. It's important that you plan to give (IE. $35 a month to sponsor a child) regularly, and it's important that you learn to give in the moment (IE. Buying coffee for the person behind you, giving a dollar to a kid crying in the department store). When you learn to give, it will change your understanding of permanence, materialism, and the value of people over things.
Love your body. No really, I mean it. Love how you were created. This is a hard thing for me to talk about, for two reasons. I am blessed to be put into the 'pretty' category by most people. And at 5'7" and 120lbs, I don't have anything to complain about. But here is where we discover just how deep our insecurities are, women (and men). When I was 13 years old, I asked my mother if I was pretty. She hesitated, and replied, "Well, there are different kinds of pretty." Translated: No. So, since age 13, I believed that I just wasn't pretty, and that was fact. Growing up, I was skin and bones. My parents, relatives, and lots of my friends made fun at me for being so skinny. I was painfully self-conscious, and refused to wear shorts up through high school. Yes, through high school. My uncle used to call me "Skinny Minnie," and I cried over it. I hated swimsuits. Because I was so thin. Go ahead, hate me, women. Emotional scarring is all the same. I accepted that I was not pretty at a very early age, and that being lanky was a curse. (Lanky Lankford - don't think I didn't hear that one. Ouch.) Then, one day, a couple of years ago, I just decided to not deal with it anymore. I gave up on hating how thin I was, hating certain aspects of my body, and hating that I'd never be the tanned, blonde girl with a flashy personality. I accepted that I was created this way and there was nothing I could do about it. And guess what, I still can't do the tanned, blonde girl look. I can't be the dark eyed, exotic beauty. And I can't be the stunning red head with freckles perfectly placed across my cheeks. All three of these girls I would rather be. But take a look at this picture of little me. Yes, pale skinned, victorian-era girl with haphazard curls in my face? I can be her. Because I was made to be her. And I've fallen in love with how I am.
Pursue joy actively. This is a decision you make, not something you stumble upon, or reach once you achieve x, y & z. Decide to pursue joy, ask God for it, put yourself in places where you receive joy from others, and take time alone to restore your heart. When we are whole-hearted, we live in joy.
Write a mission for your life. I'm not talking about a career path, goals, hopes, dreams, etc. I'm talking about what kind of person you want to be known as. Who you are is infinitely more important than what you accomplish. A few years ago, I was handed an index card and told to write down what I wanted to be remembered of me. I wrote, "that she showed grace and compassion, regardless of what was deserved." That line has remained in my wallet, and molded and shaped who I am over the last few years. It keeps me in line. When my emotions get the best of me and I relapse into a bitter, "but this is what I deserve," - I remember that compassion and grace are worth the sacrifice.
Love your handicap. If someone sat you down and asked you which moments in your life were the most painful, would you tell them? There's a reason that "rock bottom" is a phrase we all know. I wrote a post on pain and grief a few months ago, as well as on loss. Ladies and gentlemen, your handicap is where God has chosen to give you unique value, unique faith, and unique access to his heart. You will find more love and more close friendships in your handicap than you will anywhere else. Your loss, your betrayal, your shame, your divorce, your parents, your depression, your disease, your heartbreak, your addiction, your rape, your mistake, your abuse, your dysfunction - this is where we see God and where he will use you for the rest of your life. I would argue that he created you for this. It is a blessing. In the words of darling Jeni, "it is not a design flaw, it is my gift." Stop sweeping it under the rug, and hoping that the ache will go away. Face it, talk about it, share it, and seek healing in it. God will use it, I promise you.
Find your point of perspective. I wrote a post called "" awhile ago that deals with finding joy. Let me keep this short and sweet, though: Perspective is everything. It is so easy to become wrapped up in the details; we forget that 95% of what we do today won't matter a year later. Start making decisions based on what is permanent. "So http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifwe fix our eyes not on the seen, but on the unseen, for it is the seen that is temporary but the unseen is eternal." - 2 Corinthians 2:18
Memorize these phrases: "I'm sorry", "I don't know", & "What do you need?" These phrases are probably the three most life-changing additions to my weekly vocabulary. Learning to apologize simply, admitting that you don't know the answer, and asking what someone else needs are will get you far in life. It keeps you living in humility and breaks the cycle of self-centeredness.
That's it for today. Stay tuned for Part 2.
- - -
Like what you read? Please scroll back up, and share with your friends via Twitter or Facebook. You can subscribe via email to make sure you don't miss the next post! It also would be pretty darn sweet if you put my button on your blog. It's right over there, on the righthand bar.
We are conditioned to believe that money will make us happy. Particularly if it's above the million dollar mark. I've never seen an article titled, "How To Be A Ten Thousandaire," even though for a lot of us, this would solve our immediate financial problems and provide a flight to our most coveted vacation destination.
I don't need to tell you that money won't make you happy. It will probably make you happier, but ultimately, it won't achieve "The Happy."
So, I have taken it upon myself to write a better article; one that doesn't include telling you how to code yourself into millions of dollars while losing friends and becoming nearsighted along the way. Here goes.
Realize that you cannot fix your own problems; you need others. Old hurts, daddy issues, image issues, personality flaws, post traumatic stress disorder, depression, selfishness, an inferiority complex, pride, distrust, there are so many. I have dealt with all that I just listed. Acknowledge them. Admit them out loud. And actively work on tackling the messed up parts of your heart and mind, with others. Get counseling. Get prayer. Confide in people who will work on rebuilding you. Childhood scars everyone, did you know that? We're born broken. We're born dysfunctional. We're born with the inherent need to lean on one another in order to find Love, and in doing so, rebuild our hearts.
Learn to give. I didn't give things naturally the first 20 years of my life. I didn't grow up being generous. 90% of the arguments I landed myself in during the first 15 years of my life stemmed from my sister taking things of mine. I've worked hard for everything I own, and it takes a heart-shift to realize that everything in our homes, bank accounts, pockets, and purses are not ours but God's. By the time you're 25, give regularly and give on a whim. What do I mean by this? Both are important. It's important that you plan to give (IE. $35 a month to sponsor a child) regularly, and it's important that you learn to give in the moment (IE. Buying coffee for the person behind you, giving a dollar to a kid crying in the department store). When you learn to give, it will change your understanding of permanence, materialism, and the value of people over things.
Love your body. No really, I mean it. Love how you were created. This is a hard thing for me to talk about, for two reasons. I am blessed to be put into the 'pretty' category by most people. And at 5'7" and 120lbs, I don't have anything to complain about. But here is where we discover just how deep our insecurities are, women (and men). When I was 13 years old, I asked my mother if I was pretty. She hesitated, and replied, "Well, there are different kinds of pretty." Translated: No. So, since age 13, I believed that I just wasn't pretty, and that was fact. Growing up, I was skin and bones. My parents, relatives, and lots of my friends made fun at me for being so skinny. I was painfully self-conscious, and refused to wear shorts up through high school. Yes, through high school. My uncle used to call me "Skinny Minnie," and I cried over it. I hated swimsuits. Because I was so thin. Go ahead, hate me, women. Emotional scarring is all the same. I accepted that I was not pretty at a very early age, and that being lanky was a curse. (Lanky Lankford - don't think I didn't hear that one. Ouch.) Then, one day, a couple of years ago, I just decided to not deal with it anymore. I gave up on hating how thin I was, hating certain aspects of my body, and hating that I'd never be the tanned, blonde girl with a flashy personality. I accepted that I was created this way and there was nothing I could do about it. And guess what, I still can't do the tanned, blonde girl look. I can't be the dark eyed, exotic beauty. And I can't be the stunning red head with freckles perfectly placed across my cheeks. All three of these girls I would rather be. But take a look at this picture of little me. Yes, pale skinned, victorian-era girl with haphazard curls in my face? I can be her. Because I was made to be her. And I've fallen in love with how I am.
Pursue joy actively. This is a decision you make, not something you stumble upon, or reach once you achieve x, y & z. Decide to pursue joy, ask God for it, put yourself in places where you receive joy from others, and take time alone to restore your heart. When we are whole-hearted, we live in joy.
Write a mission for your life. I'm not talking about a career path, goals, hopes, dreams, etc. I'm talking about what kind of person you want to be known as. Who you are is infinitely more important than what you accomplish. A few years ago, I was handed an index card and told to write down what I wanted to be remembered of me. I wrote, "that she showed grace and compassion, regardless of what was deserved." That line has remained in my wallet, and molded and shaped who I am over the last few years. It keeps me in line. When my emotions get the best of me and I relapse into a bitter, "but this is what I deserve," - I remember that compassion and grace are worth the sacrifice.
Love your handicap. If someone sat you down and asked you which moments in your life were the most painful, would you tell them? There's a reason that "rock bottom" is a phrase we all know. I wrote a post on pain and grief a few months ago, as well as on loss. Ladies and gentlemen, your handicap is where God has chosen to give you unique value, unique faith, and unique access to his heart. You will find more love and more close friendships in your handicap than you will anywhere else. Your loss, your betrayal, your shame, your divorce, your parents, your depression, your disease, your heartbreak, your addiction, your rape, your mistake, your abuse, your dysfunction - this is where we see God and where he will use you for the rest of your life. I would argue that he created you for this. It is a blessing. In the words of darling Jeni, "it is not a design flaw, it is my gift." Stop sweeping it under the rug, and hoping that the ache will go away. Face it, talk about it, share it, and seek healing in it. God will use it, I promise you.
Find your point of perspective. I wrote a post called "" awhile ago that deals with finding joy. Let me keep this short and sweet, though: Perspective is everything. It is so easy to become wrapped up in the details; we forget that 95% of what we do today won't matter a year later. Start making decisions based on what is permanent. "So http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifwe fix our eyes not on the seen, but on the unseen, for it is the seen that is temporary but the unseen is eternal." - 2 Corinthians 2:18
Memorize these phrases: "I'm sorry", "I don't know", & "What do you need?" These phrases are probably the three most life-changing additions to my weekly vocabulary. Learning to apologize simply, admitting that you don't know the answer, and asking what someone else needs are will get you far in life. It keeps you living in humility and breaks the cycle of self-centeredness.
That's it for today. Stay tuned for Part 2.
- - -
Like what you read? Please scroll back up, and share with your friends via Twitter or Facebook. You can subscribe via email to make sure you don't miss the next post! It also would be pretty darn sweet if you put my button on your blog. It's right over there, on the righthand bar.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Imperfect Parenting: You Hurt Me.
First, I want to preface this by saying how much I love my family. I love my parents, and my sister and two brothers have a place in my heart that will never be lost. I was blessed with a phenomenally unique childhood, full of both more love and more pain than most kids in America experience. Both have strengthened me, and I am blessed.
I have recently realized that there is no 'normal' or 'to be desired' childhood. Instead, God gives every child a wildly different life for a purpose, and we are the ones who choose to make it our downfall or our platform. It is what we choose to do with our childhood as an adult that makes it 'good' or 'bad.'
My dad loves his wife more than anything else. I admire him for how well he takes care of my mom, and that he gave me more hours in the first 10 years of my life than most girls get from their father in their entire life. I hope that my husband adores his daughters as much as my father adored me.
In every family, though, there are a few things that drive deep rifts - some are flashing neon signs, and some are entirely invisible.
In our family, sarcasm is one of these things.
Sarcasm is defined by Princeton as "witty language used to convey insults or scorn." Another definition is, "a form of irony that attacks a person or belief through harsh and bitter remarks that often mean the opposite of what they say."
Note the difference between sarcasm, and humor: "a message whose ingenuity or verbal skill or incongruity has the power to evoke laughter."
I despise sarcasm. It bites, and it wears at a child's spirit. The young men and women who have been on the receiving end of sarcasm have visible scars. I can see it. To me, sarcasm is like pulling a rug out from a toddlers feet and laughing as he falls.
Are you familiar with the term, 'cognitive dissonance?' It is a psychological term that describes the mental and emotional tension a person experiences when they simultaneously accept two contradictory truths or emotions. We don't need scientists and psychologists to tell us that inconsistency is harmful to children, but they've proved it anyway.
Children by nature love to make their parents happy. They love to make them laugh. They love to be the focus of positive attention. Children thrive in their parents' pleasure. But introduce physical or emotional pain at the same time, and it wrecks a child's heart. Whether or not you as a parent think the pain is valid is entirely irrelevant. Pain is pain, and your child is hardwired a certain way by the God of the Universe, and it is your job to love that child through it.
I Corinthians 13:6 says, 'love always protects.' When you love someone, you will do your best to protect their heart. Always. The definition of protect does not include poking fun with the intention of manning up your son or daughter.
Ephesians 4:29 says, "do not let any unhealthy talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up, according to their needs, so that it may benefit those who listen." I am no counselor, pastor, or teacher - but in my opinion, the phrase 'according to their needs' is intensely overlooked. If your child is soft-hearted, sensitive, and acutely tuned to your words, know that is it a gift given to him by the same Being that made you. I don't care if that doesn't fit into your definition of masculinity. God designed him that way for a purpose you do not yet understand. And you have been directed to say nothing to that little one unless it laces his heart with love - according to his needs.
Dear men, it doesn't matter how your father did or didn't raise you. And dear women, you have special access to your son's heart. Together, I beg you, build your son into a man by way of love, encouragement, confidence, pride, and validation.
Dear men, your daughter's heart is softer than you know. Dear women, tell your daughters they are beautiful and valuable. We need to learn to accept approval from not just men. Together, I beg you, to build your daughter into a woman by way of love, encouragement, confidence, pride, and validation.
My heart breaks when my 19 year old brother winces in pain from my dad's poorly chosen jokes, and I can feel an invisible coating of numbness slip over my heart when my dad laughs at my expense. There are terrible truths that my sister has accepted about herself, driven into her heart like knives and imprinted into her mind by sarcasm.
I tell you this to ask you to think twice about what you say - three times, if necessary. Separate sarcasm from humor in your mind, and go read my post, Your Jokes Suck: Why I Won't Date You. Because I know that if you aren't a parent yet, you'll one day catch yourself treating your children the way you treat your friends and your significant other, right now.
Protect people with your words.
And when they are hurt by your words, track down some humble pie, and listen to their hearts. They will give you the clues that will enable you to build them up - not tear them down - according to their needs.
- - -
PS. Are you a parent who is guilty as charged? You now have the opportunity to teach your child an invaluable lesson - acknowledging that you aren't perfect. Tell us that you are sorry, and you'll try to do better. If you can say this to your child's face, you just gave your child the tools to build healthy relationships with his or her future friends, co-workers, spouse, and children. We desperately need you to teach us how to apologize humbly. Please do.
PPS. Do you have scars from sarcasm? “This is what the LORD says: ‘Your wound is incurable, your injury beyond healing. There is no one to plead your cause, no remedy for your sore, no healing for you. But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds,’ declares the LORD, ‘because you are called an outcast, for whom no one cares.’" Jeremiah 30. Also, “When she cries out to me, I will hear her, for I am compassionate.” Exodus 22:27
- - -
Like what you read? Please scroll back up, and share with your friends via Twitter or Facebook. You can subscribe via email to make sure you don't miss the next post! It also would be pretty darn sweet if you put my button on your blog. It's right over there. -->
I have recently realized that there is no 'normal' or 'to be desired' childhood. Instead, God gives every child a wildly different life for a purpose, and we are the ones who choose to make it our downfall or our platform. It is what we choose to do with our childhood as an adult that makes it 'good' or 'bad.'
In every family, though, there are a few things that drive deep rifts - some are flashing neon signs, and some are entirely invisible.
In our family, sarcasm is one of these things.
Sarcasm is defined by Princeton as "witty language used to convey insults or scorn." Another definition is, "a form of irony that attacks a person or belief through harsh and bitter remarks that often mean the opposite of what they say."
Note the difference between sarcasm, and humor: "a message whose ingenuity or verbal skill or incongruity has the power to evoke laughter."
I despise sarcasm. It bites, and it wears at a child's spirit. The young men and women who have been on the receiving end of sarcasm have visible scars. I can see it. To me, sarcasm is like pulling a rug out from a toddlers feet and laughing as he falls.
Are you familiar with the term, 'cognitive dissonance?' It is a psychological term that describes the mental and emotional tension a person experiences when they simultaneously accept two contradictory truths or emotions. We don't need scientists and psychologists to tell us that inconsistency is harmful to children, but they've proved it anyway.
Children by nature love to make their parents happy. They love to make them laugh. They love to be the focus of positive attention. Children thrive in their parents' pleasure. But introduce physical or emotional pain at the same time, and it wrecks a child's heart. Whether or not you as a parent think the pain is valid is entirely irrelevant. Pain is pain, and your child is hardwired a certain way by the God of the Universe, and it is your job to love that child through it.
I Corinthians 13:6 says, 'love always protects.' When you love someone, you will do your best to protect their heart. Always. The definition of protect does not include poking fun with the intention of manning up your son or daughter.
Ephesians 4:29 says, "do not let any unhealthy talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up, according to their needs, so that it may benefit those who listen." I am no counselor, pastor, or teacher - but in my opinion, the phrase 'according to their needs' is intensely overlooked. If your child is soft-hearted, sensitive, and acutely tuned to your words, know that is it a gift given to him by the same Being that made you. I don't care if that doesn't fit into your definition of masculinity. God designed him that way for a purpose you do not yet understand. And you have been directed to say nothing to that little one unless it laces his heart with love - according to his needs.
Dear men, it doesn't matter how your father did or didn't raise you. And dear women, you have special access to your son's heart. Together, I beg you, build your son into a man by way of love, encouragement, confidence, pride, and validation.
Dear men, your daughter's heart is softer than you know. Dear women, tell your daughters they are beautiful and valuable. We need to learn to accept approval from not just men. Together, I beg you, to build your daughter into a woman by way of love, encouragement, confidence, pride, and validation.
My heart breaks when my 19 year old brother winces in pain from my dad's poorly chosen jokes, and I can feel an invisible coating of numbness slip over my heart when my dad laughs at my expense. There are terrible truths that my sister has accepted about herself, driven into her heart like knives and imprinted into her mind by sarcasm.
I tell you this to ask you to think twice about what you say - three times, if necessary. Separate sarcasm from humor in your mind, and go read my post, Your Jokes Suck: Why I Won't Date You. Because I know that if you aren't a parent yet, you'll one day catch yourself treating your children the way you treat your friends and your significant other, right now.
Protect people with your words.
And when they are hurt by your words, track down some humble pie, and listen to their hearts. They will give you the clues that will enable you to build them up - not tear them down - according to their needs.
- - -
PS. Are you a parent who is guilty as charged? You now have the opportunity to teach your child an invaluable lesson - acknowledging that you aren't perfect. Tell us that you are sorry, and you'll try to do better. If you can say this to your child's face, you just gave your child the tools to build healthy relationships with his or her future friends, co-workers, spouse, and children. We desperately need you to teach us how to apologize humbly. Please do.
PPS. Do you have scars from sarcasm? “This is what the LORD says: ‘Your wound is incurable, your injury beyond healing. There is no one to plead your cause, no remedy for your sore, no healing for you. But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds,’ declares the LORD, ‘because you are called an outcast, for whom no one cares.’" Jeremiah 30. Also, “When she cries out to me, I will hear her, for I am compassionate.” Exodus 22:27
- - -
Like what you read? Please scroll back up, and share with your friends via Twitter or Facebook. You can subscribe via email to make sure you don't miss the next post! It also would be pretty darn sweet if you put my button on your blog. It's right over there. -->
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
+ Life Update. +
So, just a little update. My blog has been changing & I've been writing a bit more than usual. It's been really fun to watch it evolve over the last year or two, bouncing around from photography, inspiration, poetry, creative writing, cosmetics reviews, thoughts, life updates, projects, and pretty much everything under the sun.
It's still evolving, and I'm not sure I'll ever have a clear-cut style on here, but I wanted to ask all of you what you'd like to see more of. What do you guys miss, and what would you like to see? How have you felt about the writing? I love conversation - let's talk. :)
I'll be writing with Max over at MakeItMad in February and I'm really excited for that! If you haven't checked him out, please do.
Next week I'll be heading to Blissdom in Nashville with some of the greatest people to hang out, speak, and kick some Love Bomb butt. Let me know if you'll be there! I want to say hi and give you a hug!
I've also been digging Kaleigh Somers - one of the more talented female writers I've come across lately. She's a sweetheart.
My most recent blog posts have been pretty intense, and I've thrown my heart and mind into writing them. If you missed them, you can check out Mastering Life in 2011: The New, Sexy 1950's Culture, Branding Your Life: Welcome To The Internet, Your Jokes Suck: Why I Won't Date You, and Losing Everything.
I have a button for my blog now too. Several people have asked me for one, and I finally got around to it! I'd be honored if you took a moment to copy the code over and link to me on your blog. It's right heeeeerreee:
I started a photo blog, which has been a long time coming. Here are some of my newer photos, and go follow my photo blog if you'd like to keep tabs on what I'm doing with photography!
Much love, everyone. I've been bit by the fashion bug this month, so prepare yourselves for a little more estrogen & glitter than normal! Twitter or Liked my fan page yet?
It's still evolving, and I'm not sure I'll ever have a clear-cut style on here, but I wanted to ask all of you what you'd like to see more of. What do you guys miss, and what would you like to see? How have you felt about the writing? I love conversation - let's talk. :)
I'll be writing with Max over at MakeItMad in February and I'm really excited for that! If you haven't checked him out, please do.
Next week I'll be heading to Blissdom in Nashville with some of the greatest people to hang out, speak, and kick some Love Bomb butt. Let me know if you'll be there! I want to say hi and give you a hug!
I've also been digging Kaleigh Somers - one of the more talented female writers I've come across lately. She's a sweetheart.
My most recent blog posts have been pretty intense, and I've thrown my heart and mind into writing them. If you missed them, you can check out Mastering Life in 2011: The New, Sexy 1950's Culture, Branding Your Life: Welcome To The Internet, Your Jokes Suck: Why I Won't Date You, and Losing Everything.
I have a button for my blog now too. Several people have asked me for one, and I finally got around to it! I'd be honored if you took a moment to copy the code over and link to me on your blog. It's right heeeeerreee:
I started a photo blog, which has been a long time coming. Here are some of my newer photos, and go follow my photo blog if you'd like to keep tabs on what I'm doing with photography!
Much love, everyone. I've been bit by the fashion bug this month, so prepare yourselves for a little more estrogen & glitter than normal! Twitter or Liked my fan page yet?
Monday, January 17, 2011
+ Mastering Life In 2011: The New, Sexy 1950's Culture +
Today I have something very short and sweet to say:
The secret to just about everything is getting outside of yourself.
What do I mean by 'getting outside of yourself?' I just mean slowing down your brain and paying attention to the people around you. Putting a hold on your personal goals, and asking who needs help with theirs. Making a sacrifice so that someone else can get what they've been waiting for. Going over to your Mom's house instead of sending her a message on Facebook.
Over the last couple of decades, we've become a very individualized society. Words like 'family' and 'community' aren't dropped too much anymore when discussing life decisions. The idea of still being friends at 25 or 30 with the kid you met on the playground when you were 5? That's obsolete for 9 out of 10 people. With the traditional media explosion (radio, television, and eventually the Internet), culture shifted from what immediately surrounded you in your daily life to something that's worldwide, and people then had their pick of what culture they wanted to adhere to. Through traditional media, we all got grouped into the humanity movement. And, true to human nature, we rebelled by 'standing out,' 'being unique,' 'embracing diversity' and 'doing me.' (I could elaborate much more on the symptoms of individualism, but that's for later, and not quite the point of this.)
Then came what I lovingly refer to as Teh Soshal Mediaz. Thanks to social media, we've suddenly become a relational generation again. Sure, it looks wildly different from the 1950's, but I think we're finally realizing that we might have thrown the baby out with the bathwater when we raced to put our careers first, let go of some pretty significant family values, and when "doing me" became the epitome of Cool.
Even if you don't use social media, that's okay. It's changing your world for you, and you didn't even have to Like any Facebook fan pages. There's been an outrageous rush in even the last 365 days to raise awareness, build online communities, use Twitter to strengthen local non-profits, bring philanthrophy to the corporate world, interact personally with customer groups, and elevate the importance of sincere relationships.
We've even gotten so far as to have a man we call Doctor Love (Paul Zak) do extensive studies to prove that Oxytocin, the cuddle chemical, is triggered by things like a positive Facebook status comment. In the same way a bearhug from your best friend does. The significance? The corporate world is now anticipating that in the near future, their worth will be primarily measured not by their profit margins, but in customer relationships and their trust factor. Yes, people. Social capital is more valuable than money in the bank.
This has left us scrambling to figure out how to best gain this social capital. And it's so, so easy. The secret is getting outside of yourself.
What does this mean for you? It means that we finally have proof that putting others first is the best way for the world to work. It means that engaging in a sincerely interested manner with the person at the drive-thru gives you an amazingly good return on your 5 minute investment. It means that putting a sticky note on your dashboard reminding you to focus on others, and not yourself, will actually increase your standard of living. It means that the whole purpose of social media is to be social: "marked by friendly companionship with others."
But, there's a catch. Being driven by love isn't something you can fake. Even behind a creative Twitter handle, intricate philanthropic blog network, or super cute profile photo, people can tell fairly quickly what your motive is. Most people who are paying attention can skim a blog, and after 10 minutes, give you a fairly educated guess on what that blogger's definition of success is.
I want this to be a challenge to you. Make a conscious decision to put other people's interests above your own. When you go through the drive-thru, stop thinking about your next destination long enough to realize that a real human being is serving you. And when you jump on Twitter and half-skim a couple hundred tweets as your type yours up, pay attention to who needs a little extra love that day.
Success isn't complicated, you guys. Fight the urge to be ruled by the numbers game and to be 'doing me', and let's go back to our 1950's roots - where family and community take priority in our lives. While still crushing on our sexy MacBook Pros.
Like what you read? Please scroll back up, and share with your friends via Twitter or Facebook. You can also subscribe via email to make sure you don't miss the next post! It also would be pretty darn sweet if you put my button on your blog. It's right over there. -->
The secret to just about everything is getting outside of yourself.
What do I mean by 'getting outside of yourself?' I just mean slowing down your brain and paying attention to the people around you. Putting a hold on your personal goals, and asking who needs help with theirs. Making a sacrifice so that someone else can get what they've been waiting for. Going over to your Mom's house instead of sending her a message on Facebook.
Over the last couple of decades, we've become a very individualized society. Words like 'family' and 'community' aren't dropped too much anymore when discussing life decisions. The idea of still being friends at 25 or 30 with the kid you met on the playground when you were 5? That's obsolete for 9 out of 10 people. With the traditional media explosion (radio, television, and eventually the Internet), culture shifted from what immediately surrounded you in your daily life to something that's worldwide, and people then had their pick of what culture they wanted to adhere to. Through traditional media, we all got grouped into the humanity movement. And, true to human nature, we rebelled by 'standing out,' 'being unique,' 'embracing diversity' and 'doing me.' (I could elaborate much more on the symptoms of individualism, but that's for later, and not quite the point of this.)
Then came what I lovingly refer to as Teh Soshal Mediaz. Thanks to social media, we've suddenly become a relational generation again. Sure, it looks wildly different from the 1950's, but I think we're finally realizing that we might have thrown the baby out with the bathwater when we raced to put our careers first, let go of some pretty significant family values, and when "doing me" became the epitome of Cool.
Even if you don't use social media, that's okay. It's changing your world for you, and you didn't even have to Like any Facebook fan pages. There's been an outrageous rush in even the last 365 days to raise awareness, build online communities, use Twitter to strengthen local non-profits, bring philanthrophy to the corporate world, interact personally with customer groups, and elevate the importance of sincere relationships.
We've even gotten so far as to have a man we call Doctor Love (Paul Zak) do extensive studies to prove that Oxytocin, the cuddle chemical, is triggered by things like a positive Facebook status comment. In the same way a bearhug from your best friend does. The significance? The corporate world is now anticipating that in the near future, their worth will be primarily measured not by their profit margins, but in customer relationships and their trust factor. Yes, people. Social capital is more valuable than money in the bank.
This has left us scrambling to figure out how to best gain this social capital. And it's so, so easy. The secret is getting outside of yourself.
What does this mean for you? It means that we finally have proof that putting others first is the best way for the world to work. It means that engaging in a sincerely interested manner with the person at the drive-thru gives you an amazingly good return on your 5 minute investment. It means that putting a sticky note on your dashboard reminding you to focus on others, and not yourself, will actually increase your standard of living. It means that the whole purpose of social media is to be social: "marked by friendly companionship with others."
But, there's a catch. Being driven by love isn't something you can fake. Even behind a creative Twitter handle, intricate philanthropic blog network, or super cute profile photo, people can tell fairly quickly what your motive is. Most people who are paying attention can skim a blog, and after 10 minutes, give you a fairly educated guess on what that blogger's definition of success is.
I want this to be a challenge to you. Make a conscious decision to put other people's interests above your own. When you go through the drive-thru, stop thinking about your next destination long enough to realize that a real human being is serving you. And when you jump on Twitter and half-skim a couple hundred tweets as your type yours up, pay attention to who needs a little extra love that day.
Success isn't complicated, you guys. Fight the urge to be ruled by the numbers game and to be 'doing me', and let's go back to our 1950's roots - where family and community take priority in our lives. While still crushing on our sexy MacBook Pros.
- - -
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
+ Branding Your Life: Welcome To The Internet! +
On November 1st, 2010, I tweeted: "You are a brand. Treat yourself as such. Ground your product, visualize your identity, network your life. Be open to growth."
I want to elaborate on this.
After tons of meetings, coffee dates, emails and texts with guys and girls looking for advice on moving forward and becoming successful with their lives and passions, I'm realizing that most people don't view themselves as a self-contained force. And really, you are. This is excruciatingly important for people to understand.
If you're alive and kicking, you're a small business. The question is, have you sat down as head of the company and started getting everything in line?
Most people are looking for something that will catapult them into the position they want to be in. College is the perfect example. No, college will not catapult you into a successful life. It's an extraordinarily beneficial tool, but it isn't "the answer." It's a solid learning experience, and an irreplaceable opportunity for networking. This business that your personal self inherently owns? That will be around forever. College will only be around for a few years. Make college fit into your business plan. Don't make it THE business plan. A lot of people miss out on both the real learning and the networking in college because they don't understand this crucial difference.
Here's the hard truth: You fill every role in this business that you run.
You've got full control of what goes on, and what direction your business runs in, but you also are in charge of marketing, research, IT, public relations, training, social media, etc. That's a lot of work. But don't get overwhelmed. Realizing that you have control over all of these things is half the battle.
Now that you know you're a business, you hopefully know how important it is to brand yourself. The key to sales (and yes, that’s what you’re doing. Selling yourself.) is relationships. The doorway to relationships is recognition. And you get recognition with savage, persistent presence.
Presence.
You're in so much luck that it's stupid. You were born into a generation where the Internet has made presence as easy as it will ever be. But it's still your job to educate yourself, learn the tricks, and manipulate it into working for you.
I don't pretend to be an expert on this, but what I can do is tell you what I've done, and what's worked for me. So here we go!
Sign up for everything, but focus on your core. You want presence everywhere, but you don't want to be trying to fill up 100 glasses at once. For example, I have a profile on About.Me. Do I use it? Nope. But if someone else is on About.Me and goes looking for Lauren Lankford...yep, there I am. With links to everything else that I DO use. Got 'em. Just heard about something new that just came out? Sign up. Take 15 minutes and look around. You may never use it again, but if it comes up in conversation later on (which it will), you'll know what you're talking about.
Learn HTML and some basic CSS. It's easy. Go to www.w3.org and read through the HTML and CSS tutorials so you at least have a general understanding of how it works. This is worth gold when you find yourself fighting a life or death battle with the customize feature on your blog.
Get Twitter. Yes, it's worth it. This is 2011 and you can't network successfully without Twitter. Spend time seeking out people who are similar to you, tweeting at people (hint: this is the #1 way to build relationships at this point in time), and learning how to create valuable content in 140 characters or less. When you're on a blog you love, look for their Twitter link and tell them via Twitter what you like about their stuff. It's the equivalent of walking up to someone at a party and telling them you think their shoes are sick. New friend. If you don't know where to start, go follow me and just start following people I do. I'll be your springboard, I don't mind.
Get a blog. Just like Twitter will be your conversation-hub, this will be the content-hub for everything you do. I recommend Blogger or Wordpress. Blogger is run by Google (note: blogger & blogspot are the same thing), and extraordinarily simple to customize and navigate. If you're up for the challenge, Wordpress may serve you better in the long run. And now, ACTUALLY BLOG. Treat your blog as a social tool. Comment on other people's blogs. Throw your projects up and shamelessly ask for critiques and opinions. Talk about people and things you love. Work on writing and producing quality. Ask people to guest post for you. This is the easiest way to direct someone else's readers to your blog. Get an email subscription widget up from FeedBurner so that people can get your blog posts in their inbox. Be dynamic, not static.
Get Google Reader. Even if you're not familiar with RSS, Google made it easy. Go sign up here. Up on the top left corner you'll see a "Add a subscription" button. Click it, and cut and paste a blog URL. It will automatically add this to your list. All the awesome blog content you can find, put into one place for you.
Get a portfolio. I recommend Carbonmade. You can look at mine here.
Get a Tumblr. You may or may not use this, but if you want to be an expert in your field, you'll try out everything just so that you know how it works. This is mine. Tumblr kicks ass for visual scrapbooking online. A couple clicks and you can upload an image, or hit re-blog from someone else's Tumblr and it will immediately appear on yours, for all of your followers to see. Don't know who to follow? Go to the Directory and see who is featured in the categories you're interested. Follow the ones you like. Keep your eye on who THEY are reblogging from. Follow those people too. I don't use Tumblr for networking, I use it for inspiration. Heavy content, 24/7. Free eye candy.
Get a profile on 20sb. It's probably the best way for bloggers to network on the inside. Here's my profile, go add me as a friend.
Get on LinkedIn. This is easy too. It's the most professional networking site out there, and the whole point is to have a persistent presence, remember? When someone signs up on LinkedIn, they'll have the option to search their email, Twitter & Facebook friends to find their friends and add them as a contact. Be on LinkedIn, and that's one more time that someone sees your name. Win.
Be in good company. One of the biggest lessons I've learned is that professionals are real human beings. Seriously. Don't be intimidated by resumes, numbers, reputations or accomplishments. That person you admire has a family, ex's, gets sick, has a sense of humor, and needs friends - just like you. I'm not promising that you can be their new friend, but place yourself in their life and do your best to learn from them. It'll rub off.
Move, shake, talk, interact, serve, offer, ask - be savagely present.
Also, consistency is important. Keep the same name/username/feel/style/photo/etc, everywhere you go. The whole point of being present is to be recognized, remember? Don't be afraid to change when you become better, but make your changes universal.
Remember that relationships work the same way online as they do offline. You don't make friends by squinting from a distance and thinking about how cool they are. Say hello, and start a conversation. Talking = Recognition = Relationships = Branding = Success. Get on it, and have fun!
Now, go sit down with a few pieces of paper and try to draw out your business plan. Pretend you're a company and decide what needs to be done in order for you to look smart and sexy on the Internet. Write down things you wish you were better at and figure out how to read up on them and practice them. Find the people who are already doing those things and stalk them like it's your job, because it is. Make a to-do list. I recommend TeuxDeux. Blog about it, and let me know via Twitter!
Like what you read? Please scroll back up, and share with your friends via Twitter or Facebook, or add the button to your blog. You can also subscribe via email to make sure you don't miss the next post!
I want to elaborate on this.
After tons of meetings, coffee dates, emails and texts with guys and girls looking for advice on moving forward and becoming successful with their lives and passions, I'm realizing that most people don't view themselves as a self-contained force. And really, you are. This is excruciatingly important for people to understand.
If you're alive and kicking, you're a small business. The question is, have you sat down as head of the company and started getting everything in line?
Most people are looking for something that will catapult them into the position they want to be in. College is the perfect example. No, college will not catapult you into a successful life. It's an extraordinarily beneficial tool, but it isn't "the answer." It's a solid learning experience, and an irreplaceable opportunity for networking. This business that your personal self inherently owns? That will be around forever. College will only be around for a few years. Make college fit into your business plan. Don't make it THE business plan. A lot of people miss out on both the real learning and the networking in college because they don't understand this crucial difference.
Here's the hard truth: You fill every role in this business that you run.
You've got full control of what goes on, and what direction your business runs in, but you also are in charge of marketing, research, IT, public relations, training, social media, etc. That's a lot of work. But don't get overwhelmed. Realizing that you have control over all of these things is half the battle.
Now that you know you're a business, you hopefully know how important it is to brand yourself. The key to sales (and yes, that’s what you’re doing. Selling yourself.) is relationships. The doorway to relationships is recognition. And you get recognition with savage, persistent presence.
Presence.
You're in so much luck that it's stupid. You were born into a generation where the Internet has made presence as easy as it will ever be. But it's still your job to educate yourself, learn the tricks, and manipulate it into working for you.
I don't pretend to be an expert on this, but what I can do is tell you what I've done, and what's worked for me. So here we go!
Sign up for everything, but focus on your core. You want presence everywhere, but you don't want to be trying to fill up 100 glasses at once. For example, I have a profile on About.Me. Do I use it? Nope. But if someone else is on About.Me and goes looking for Lauren Lankford...yep, there I am. With links to everything else that I DO use. Got 'em. Just heard about something new that just came out? Sign up. Take 15 minutes and look around. You may never use it again, but if it comes up in conversation later on (which it will), you'll know what you're talking about.
Learn HTML and some basic CSS. It's easy. Go to www.w3.org and read through the HTML and CSS tutorials so you at least have a general understanding of how it works. This is worth gold when you find yourself fighting a life or death battle with the customize feature on your blog.
Get Twitter. Yes, it's worth it. This is 2011 and you can't network successfully without Twitter. Spend time seeking out people who are similar to you, tweeting at people (hint: this is the #1 way to build relationships at this point in time), and learning how to create valuable content in 140 characters or less. When you're on a blog you love, look for their Twitter link and tell them via Twitter what you like about their stuff. It's the equivalent of walking up to someone at a party and telling them you think their shoes are sick. New friend. If you don't know where to start, go follow me and just start following people I do. I'll be your springboard, I don't mind.
Get a blog. Just like Twitter will be your conversation-hub, this will be the content-hub for everything you do. I recommend Blogger or Wordpress. Blogger is run by Google (note: blogger & blogspot are the same thing), and extraordinarily simple to customize and navigate. If you're up for the challenge, Wordpress may serve you better in the long run. And now, ACTUALLY BLOG. Treat your blog as a social tool. Comment on other people's blogs. Throw your projects up and shamelessly ask for critiques and opinions. Talk about people and things you love. Work on writing and producing quality. Ask people to guest post for you. This is the easiest way to direct someone else's readers to your blog. Get an email subscription widget up from FeedBurner so that people can get your blog posts in their inbox. Be dynamic, not static.
Get Google Reader. Even if you're not familiar with RSS, Google made it easy. Go sign up here. Up on the top left corner you'll see a "Add a subscription" button. Click it, and cut and paste a blog URL. It will automatically add this to your list. All the awesome blog content you can find, put into one place for you.
Get a portfolio. I recommend Carbonmade. You can look at mine here.
Get a Tumblr. You may or may not use this, but if you want to be an expert in your field, you'll try out everything just so that you know how it works. This is mine. Tumblr kicks ass for visual scrapbooking online. A couple clicks and you can upload an image, or hit re-blog from someone else's Tumblr and it will immediately appear on yours, for all of your followers to see. Don't know who to follow? Go to the Directory and see who is featured in the categories you're interested. Follow the ones you like. Keep your eye on who THEY are reblogging from. Follow those people too. I don't use Tumblr for networking, I use it for inspiration. Heavy content, 24/7. Free eye candy.
Get a profile on 20sb. It's probably the best way for bloggers to network on the inside. Here's my profile, go add me as a friend.
Get on LinkedIn. This is easy too. It's the most professional networking site out there, and the whole point is to have a persistent presence, remember? When someone signs up on LinkedIn, they'll have the option to search their email, Twitter & Facebook friends to find their friends and add them as a contact. Be on LinkedIn, and that's one more time that someone sees your name. Win.
Be in good company. One of the biggest lessons I've learned is that professionals are real human beings. Seriously. Don't be intimidated by resumes, numbers, reputations or accomplishments. That person you admire has a family, ex's, gets sick, has a sense of humor, and needs friends - just like you. I'm not promising that you can be their new friend, but place yourself in their life and do your best to learn from them. It'll rub off.
Move, shake, talk, interact, serve, offer, ask - be savagely present.
Also, consistency is important. Keep the same name/username/feel/style/photo/etc, everywhere you go. The whole point of being present is to be recognized, remember? Don't be afraid to change when you become better, but make your changes universal.
Remember that relationships work the same way online as they do offline. You don't make friends by squinting from a distance and thinking about how cool they are. Say hello, and start a conversation. Talking = Recognition = Relationships = Branding = Success. Get on it, and have fun!
Now, go sit down with a few pieces of paper and try to draw out your business plan. Pretend you're a company and decide what needs to be done in order for you to look smart and sexy on the Internet. Write down things you wish you were better at and figure out how to read up on them and practice them. Find the people who are already doing those things and stalk them like it's your job, because it is. Make a to-do list. I recommend TeuxDeux. Blog about it, and let me know via Twitter!
- - -
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
+ Your Jokes Suck: Why I Won't Date You. +
I've kept my mouth shut on this for a long time. But today, I'm pissed off enough to say something.
So here it is. Your jokes suck.
Sometimes I laugh at them, but they still suck. And I wish you'd stop.
Vulgarity and negativity are two things I do not appreciate. If you've ever wondered why I've peaced out so quickly, there's a good chance that one of these two things were the reason.
Here's the deal: Negative humor is humor that does harm, not good. And humor is supposed to be a good thing.
If you're filling your jokes with the f-bomb, tits, jews, blacks, blowjobs, fags, pubes, women in the kitchen, or any other topic that you haven't grown up enough yet to understand, you aren't funny.
Profanity and vulgarity are a cop-out. Let me say that once more. Your jokes are a cop-out.
It says to me that you don't have a real sense of humor. You have zero creativity.
Go read the definition of 'joke' in the dictionary. Notice in addition to 'something said or done for amusement,' it also says, 'a worthless thing or person.'
The subject of your joke is made worthless by your words.
Next time you crack a crude joke about sex, remember that you're subconsciously drilling it into your head (and everyone else around you) that women are worthless.
Next time you crack a joke about fags, ask yourself if you'd walk up to any human being and tell them to their face that they're worthless.
Guys, I'm looking primarily at you on this one, because it seems to be where most of it is coming from. Yeah, it's true that girls want guys with a sense of humor. That's one of the first things on all of our lists. But here's a secret: the women worth having are looking for men with good humor. Not negative humor. So step it up.
Girls, next time some guy cracks a joke about how a woman doesn't need a driver's license because it doesn't take a car to get between the kitchen in the bedroom, stand up for yourself and fight. If you laugh too, you're putting yourself down. We're allowing it. And I'm sick of it.
Oh, and girls? I'm not done with you yet. Quit joking that all men are assholes, or that the female race is superior. They're not, and we're not. You're making it worse for both of us.
There is an element of truth to all jokes, which arguably is what makes them so 'funny.' I challenge you to listen to yourself and to your friends, and pick out who or what is the brunt of your jokes. Go face yourself in the mirror and ask yourself some hard questions. Think about the truth that you are agreeing to, without realizing it.
The truth you believe is communicated through your jokes. Think I'm taking this too seriously? I'm not going to apologize for looking for a good man with a real sense of humor, who can make me laugh without the bite. And trust me, I'm looking.
Don't allow yourself to crack a joke if it's at someone else's expense. Hard, huh?
I know.
The good news is that negative humor is a habit. And habits are breakable. I did it. It was hard, but I did it.
Stop telling jokes that suck. You're hurting yourself, and a lot of other people.
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So here it is. Your jokes suck.
Sometimes I laugh at them, but they still suck. And I wish you'd stop.
Vulgarity and negativity are two things I do not appreciate. If you've ever wondered why I've peaced out so quickly, there's a good chance that one of these two things were the reason.
Here's the deal: Negative humor is humor that does harm, not good. And humor is supposed to be a good thing.
If you're filling your jokes with the f-bomb, tits, jews, blacks, blowjobs, fags, pubes, women in the kitchen, or any other topic that you haven't grown up enough yet to understand, you aren't funny.
Profanity and vulgarity are a cop-out. Let me say that once more. Your jokes are a cop-out.
It says to me that you don't have a real sense of humor. You have zero creativity.
Go read the definition of 'joke' in the dictionary. Notice in addition to 'something said or done for amusement,' it also says, 'a worthless thing or person.'
The subject of your joke is made worthless by your words.
Next time you crack a crude joke about sex, remember that you're subconsciously drilling it into your head (and everyone else around you) that women are worthless.
Next time you crack a joke about fags, ask yourself if you'd walk up to any human being and tell them to their face that they're worthless.
Guys, I'm looking primarily at you on this one, because it seems to be where most of it is coming from. Yeah, it's true that girls want guys with a sense of humor. That's one of the first things on all of our lists. But here's a secret: the women worth having are looking for men with good humor. Not negative humor. So step it up.
Girls, next time some guy cracks a joke about how a woman doesn't need a driver's license because it doesn't take a car to get between the kitchen in the bedroom, stand up for yourself and fight. If you laugh too, you're putting yourself down. We're allowing it. And I'm sick of it.
Oh, and girls? I'm not done with you yet. Quit joking that all men are assholes, or that the female race is superior. They're not, and we're not. You're making it worse for both of us.
There is an element of truth to all jokes, which arguably is what makes them so 'funny.' I challenge you to listen to yourself and to your friends, and pick out who or what is the brunt of your jokes. Go face yourself in the mirror and ask yourself some hard questions. Think about the truth that you are agreeing to, without realizing it.
The truth you believe is communicated through your jokes. Think I'm taking this too seriously? I'm not going to apologize for looking for a good man with a real sense of humor, who can make me laugh without the bite. And trust me, I'm looking.
Don't allow yourself to crack a joke if it's at someone else's expense. Hard, huh?
I know.
The good news is that negative humor is a habit. And habits are breakable. I did it. It was hard, but I did it.
Stop telling jokes that suck. You're hurting yourself, and a lot of other people.
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