Friday, October 14, 2011

Supplemental Saviors, And My Disappointment In Myself.

I am disappointed with myself.

I am disappointed that I have tried to find supplemental saviors.

People ask how I did it. Did what? I want to ask.

How you overcame your past. What was done to you, and what you did to others; to yourself. The grief that you were dealt, and the grief you caused.

I listen to their perception, and begin to think I am an exception.

I listen to them search for an answer more tangible, more attainable, more controllable than Jesus.

And I begin to comb through my healing, dig through my heart, sift through the hard years...to find things easier than Jesus.

Some days I find nothing. Some days, empty things that bear partial witness to a whole truth.

The empty things, the whispers-of-truth things, the supplemental saviors...they taunt me with their checks in boxes and say, "See? We have made you whole. We have filled you. We helped you overcome."

But still, their mercies begin and end with the front and back of their covers. Their mercies fill and are contained by the box for the checkmark.

And I am a living, dying creature. I need mercies every morning. New ones. For the new death, the new hurt, the new sin.

So I rally my books, my counselors, my friends, my pastors, my families, my communities, my epiphanies, my curriculum, my antidepressants, my better diets, my therapists, my mentors, my time that passes, my supplemental saviors, and I cry out: "APART FROM HIM WE CAN DO NOTHING."

Apart from Jesus, I can do nothing.

I have done nothing. I have overcome nothing. I have healed nothing. I have won nothing. Rather, I have come to the end of myself, and found a Savior who needs no supplement. A Savior who has done and is doing and will do it all.

For he has sworn it across the heavens, "It is FINISHED."

We have not believed.

Death wrecked my heart, my family, my hope. Jesus killed it off before it killed me utterly, and gave me a new life.

There is no healing or comfort that can be attained by your adding. Only by emptying everything you are, and filling it with everything He is.

I am not the exception. You are not the exception. We have inside us the hope of all eternity, a seal upon our hearts, because He was the exception in our behalf.

Lord, help us with our unbelief.

5 comments:

Kate said...

YES.

suzannah {so much shouting, so much laughter} said...

tetelestai, it is finished indeed. so grateful for those mercies new every morning and moment.

Christine Leigh said...

Perhaps you'd file me in the section of unbelievers. I'm not Christian after all.

I should admit, that I've read your post three times and I do not understand. Jesus' message appears the simplest in the universe in many ways, but it does not mean one should not pursue the other things in this world?

I am writing this because I would like to understand where you are coming from.

Christina said...

"There is no healing or comfort that can be attained by your adding. Only by emptying everything you are, and filling it with everything He is."
-This is so lovely.
He alone....
All else is simply in vain.

Lydz xX said...

I am slowly getting to the place of emptying myself dry of everything that I am because my hearts desire is to have more of who he is. I want him to be my very heartbeat. thats the desire of my heart. MORE of him as i fade away into the distance.
beautiful post!

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