Wednesday, May 19, 2010

+ beginning again, again. +

i've watched you try to live like you have no soul
why are you surprised you feel it breaking
darling there's another way
to beautiful, adrenaline and saturation

i am rebirth
and i am beautiful.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

+ beautiful things. +

The value of myth is that it takes all the things we know and restores them to the rich significance which has been hidden by the ‘veil of familiarity.’ [cs lewis]

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ps. i widened my blog by 60px. let me know if you have trouble viewing, or if the layout seems off on your computer. :)

pps. i made a little drawing!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

+ love and war +

Have any of you heard of this book yet? John and Staci Eldredge wrote it together, and if I blog about this, I get a free copy of the book. ;) I love them. Captivating was an incredible, incredible book.

Some of you may or may not know that I've been living pretty much in some alternate universe for the last 6-9 months, and it's been just about the most difficult blip of my life to date. Depression, hospital/doctor visits weekly, and being someone that clearly was not myself. I thought I knew what depression was until this past season. Hating life & everything about it, not wanting to get out of bed (ever), crying for no reason, wild mood swings, pills that turn you into a zombie, being intensely angry, and having the general attitude of "fuck everything" - I am remembering this and hoping that I will never again land in that place.

A couple weeks ago, I lost it and screamed at God for over an hour, and that weekend went through some intense prayer and realized I had unknowingly made the decision to just give up. Stopped believing that God wants what is best, and that God was a Daddy who loved me like a Daddy should...Sorry for all the religious-speak, but I'd done something I always swore I wouldn't do: let religion get between me and God. When this happens, you "deserve" an easy life for being such a great person, and for "giving things up" for God. When this happens, and life is still a bitch, you start blaming God. And guess what! It's pretty damn hard to love someone or let yourself be loved by someone that you think is screwing you over on a daily basis! ANYWAY.

Thankfully, my darling friend Kelly recommended the book "Awakening the Dead" by John Eldredge, and I started reading it a couple days ago. EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE NOW. Man, if you're flat out confused about God or what the hell is going wrong with the world, you should read this book. It's not long, and it's easy, easy language. Please read it if you get the chance.

Here's to starting over, for the hundredth time, and still being perfectly loved.

PS. I always think that I "know" what life will be like as a Christian, and I choose to pursue that or something else. The truth is, I don't know, at ALL, and I am guilty of limiting what Christianity means. I've decided it's boring, because of those limits. It isn't boring. It's more adventurous. And way more fun. Yeah, FUN.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

+ growing up, part 428 +

As frequently as I forget that we change as we grow, I am reminded. A while ago, I began noticing there were more than a few things I didn't like, simply because I'd never liked them as a child. I began experimenting with flipping the switch in my brain that was marked "I don't like this," and tried to honestly reappraise my likes and dislikes. A good number of these things, I love now. So, I have a rough rule for myself: if you haven't tried it in the last year, you don't know if you like it or not. Or, do you love it this year, yet??

Guess who loves asparagus now? And heels? Goat cheese ice cream, the color pink, chocolate milkshakes, dresses, sushi, tumblr, and forever on.

I had a shocking new love that was realized over the weekend. Rain.

I've always been a strict direct-sunlight-in-extreme-heat person, and despised everything from a slight chill to the heart of winter. Clouds, rain, snow, hail, wind, low temperatures...not for me. Sunshine and heat? Instantly happy. But something happened on Saturday morning, and the pitterpatter of the rain hitting the rooftops woven perfectly in with the splashing of tires racing on the wet pavement sounded like starting over. New and fresh, but somehow settling and comforting. It took me 22 years to get here, and I now love rain.

Forgive me for the awkward mashup of images. These are all the things I love today.

it is in our fantasies that we see our realities in all their truth.