laurennicolelove.com

Thoughts On Getting Used To Marriage - And Confessions On Not Seeing God.

2012-01-16T15:11:00.007-05:00

Disclaimer: I adore my husband. I love that we are married. Marriage is incredible. But marriage is neither "just so amazing!" nor "always so terrible." It is both. Life is life, and the ups and downs are ever present, regardless of our relationship status. This is my attempt to be honest about both.

- - -

Last night, I shoved my feet into the boots I was married in. I don't notice anymore that my socks don't match. When you dig them out of a duffle bag for the 428th time, socks are socks and the color of the toe doesn't matter much. I did notice that my socks were too thick for these boots, and I cursed them for it.

It's been 10 days off the road, 10 days in Hollywood, and 10 days in our first apartment. 133 days of being married.

My socks should match now, but in furnishing an empty apartment with our income, new socks are not on my priority list.

So, I fought about how much we should spend on a new dresser with my husband, standing in my wedding boots, on the corner of Sunset and Vine.

Just like we'd fought about everything else this week. Food, groceries, carpet cleaner, sex, the color of our clothes hangers, the brand of garlic salt, bath mats, cash vs credit, and parking.

We were late for church. We'd spent too much money. We told the girl with the dresser "maybe," and then my phone died.

I told Max where to park. I picked where we sat. I mentally bitched at the announcement-giver and churches everywhere who ask you to "squish" down to seat people that walk in late. Our collective "squishing" just opened 247 seats for 4 people.

I recited all the lines in every song, thinking only about the days when single-me attended a church with enough room down front to go sing my heart out to songs I knew and loved. Thinking about how I used to go to church alone, sing alone, and disappear alone. I met God, and I met God every single Sunday. I loved it. I missed when my life was just me and God. My life. I could do what I wanted. I could make it an entire 24 hours without speaking to a soul.

And then I looked at the entire row of single girls in front of me.

I imagined what they were feeling when they sang. Praying to be able to pay their bills. Praying for boyfriends. Praying for husbands. Praying to not be alone. Waiting on God. Because that's what we do when we're single. We wait upon God. When we're single, heartbreak is ever present, and that's okay. Present in our past break-up, present in our single-ness, present in what we dread in the future. And we find God there, with us. It's rich.

I wanted to join them.

I wanted to shout that I was confused. That being married isn't a solution to The Great Ache. That love is beautiful but so broken, too. That broken and alone was easier than broken with another broken person.

But then God whispered: "Lauren, when you're lonely, it has nothing to do with other people. It has to do with you and Me."

Lauren, when you're lonely, it has to do with you and Me.

Lauren, when you're angry, it has to do with you and Me.

Lauren, when you're selfish, it has to do with you and Me.

Lauren, when you're worried, it has to do with you and Me.

Lauren, when you're bitter, it has to do with you and Me.

Lauren, when you're jealous, it has to do with you and Me.

It has nothing to do with other people. It has only to do with our heart and His.

I slowly stood and followed my husband up to communion. I stood behind him in single file line, in the dark, like I was just another girl at church. Not his wife. I felt like he didn't want to be there with me. I hoped he felt that. Because I was feeling it. And then he reached out his hand behind him and took mine, and my heart broke.

I wanted this. I asked for this. I prayed for this. I begged God for this. I am blessed. I am fed, clothed and sheltered. I am loved. I am recipient of the greatest gift in the universe. I have everything. I know this. What is wrong with me?

And so, I went to where the prayer team was, sat in a corner, and cried. Until someone offered to pray for me. If you have never poured out your hurt to someone you've never met, and had them pray with you - for you - over you - with you, you have missed out on what it means to have brothers and sisters in Christ. You have missed out on bearing one another's burdens. Overcome your fear next Sunday and just do it.

"I have never left you. I have never forsaken you. I am not a God who punishes his children without reason. I am not a God who turns his back on you. I am not angry with you. I am not disappointed with you. I know where you are."

I sobbed and asked God if I'd done the right thing. If everything was going to be okay. If I would feel Him again like I used to. If I would learn to be close to Him all over again, now that I'm married. If our bills would be paid. If this was Right. If this would be too hard for me, for us.

"Seriously, Lauren? I have stripped depression away from you. I have removed you from the place you didn't want to be. I gave you a man that you love, who loves you. I gave you passion again. I gave you Good Women Project. I gave you a Story. I gave you new friends who know my Love. I let you travel across the country. I did miracles in front of you. I gave you the awe-commanding sunset behind your wedding on a cliff. I gave you Family. I gave you a new home. And tonight, I brought you to be with children who love me - and sat you at the feet of a woman who would pray over you until you Felt me again. - - - And you ask where I've been? If this is right? If I still love you?"

I saw Him again. I heard Him, where I should have heard him a dozen times before. We forget what he has done when we do not intentionally sit at his feet in our mess. We are blind, until we ask Him to let us see. I re-learned unconditional love.

We went home silently, and I held onto his hand for dear life. Remember your first love. I kissed him and I apologized. I made dinner, and I apologized more. I refused to let him help clean up. I sent him to bed to watch what he wanted to watch and found joy in doing the work so that he could play. Love. Not-about-me love. This is what happens when we see God. It is necessary to see Love in order to give love.

I could write a book on last night, and the perspective that God righted in my heart. On marriage and learning to confess everything. On knowing that really, really hard doesn't mean really, really bad. On how it is not human nature to believe that someone is going to love you unconditionally, and that it isn't human nature to love them back unconditionally.

But instead, I share my little story of Sunday. A reminder of the blessing we have in one another. Of seeking God until we find out He's been there the whole time. And of being thankful for what we have, because it's so much better than we know.

And to say thank you to my husband for letting me pick out the bath mat. That we still don't have, because I'm unforgivably picky.

I love you. And I love that we are re-learning to love Him together.

One Of My Greatest Fears

2011-12-21T22:47:00.003-05:00

I get scared, talking about my life sometimes. I get scared that people see a shadow of the truth in what I've done, in how I've chosen to live, and say, "I want exactly that."

I am scared that people will hear I've sold everything I owned this year to travel the country in a little car with a man - and decide that THAT is the best way to live.

I am terrified that girls hear the story of how I met my husband on Twitter - and start scouring the Internet for the perfect man who blogs, is wickedly clever, and wants to talk to them too, a pretty girl online.

I worry about sharing how I decided to drop out of college (temporarily) for a second time, and chose to leave my 9-5 job - not wanting for a moment for any woman to trample the sparks of opportunity she's been blessed to receive.

Yes, I have been inspired, moved, pushed, refined and bettered by listening closely to other women's stories; by observing other women's lives. Life gives birth to life. Fullness swells to create new fullness. Iron sharpens, truth speaks, love heals.

But please. Do not be tricked into attempting to replicate life in order to escape death. You are not a clone.

God is too creative with his daughters. The heavens plan and whisper and lay foundation for you, your life, your story.

My life has become more beautiful, my awe of God's work has increased beyond measure - as I hear story, after story, after story of women who live utterly opposite lives as that of mine. What a God we serve. No one could weave a story like Him.

Rarity increases value.

There is not a woman walking this earth who has an existence identical to yours.

And there is not a woman in the world who can fulfill the Creator's intricate, intentional plan for you.

By plan, I do not mean a clearly marked path in which you choose to walk daily until the day you die, with a pre-determined life-story utterly outside of your control.

By plan, I mean your birth, your childhood, your brokenness, your character, your personality, your hopes, your passions, your gifts [ trust me, they are there, whether you see them or not yet ], your body, your mind, your spirit - - - all of these things fall perfectly into place to make possible a life that could never be lived by another human being.

We do not serve a God who wastes resources.

You are not wasted.

We are beloved children of a God who treasures and counts carefully - who rejoices in indescribable pride - over the value of his sons and daughters.

And all these little things? Every detail, every heartbreak, every rush of joy, every word He has whispered to you in the dark places - they make you a resource that would break His heart to waste.

You are rare.

You are of value.

Where we see our worthlessness, He sees an entire life composed of endless spaces to fill with his overflowing Love.

"You were bought at a price. Do not become slaves of human beings." (I Corinthians 7:23)

Do not become the slave of another human being's life. Of another human being's story. Of their success, of their failure, of their talent, of their beauty, of their skill.

You were bought at a price.

"Live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to you, just as God has called you." (I Corinthians 7:17)

I am a believer. A believer in a furious love, a scandalous grace, and a God I do not understand.

I am a believer. A believer in a Savior who walks with me daily, who leads my feet to places only mine can go, and who holds your hand through a life that I could never live.

We are beautiful. Bought at a price. Claimed for freedom.

And asked to live as believers in the places that our Father has powerfully created for us.

Why You Shouldn't Read My Blog Unless You're Friends With Me

2011-12-15T18:37:00.002-05:00

Okay, well. I didn't really mean that. I adore that people come to this little space and listen to my rants, my confessions, and my lessons. It is nothing short of a gift to me, and truly - I covet your time here. So thank you.

But, I had an epiphany today, and I want to share it with you.

I've been struggling this month, kind of a lot. Yep. Because saying Yes to God this year for me meant marrying an amazing new man in my life, leaving everything behind to travel the country, and starting Good Women Project.

Oh, I know how blessed I am. My life sounds perfect in that pretty sentence. And my life is incredible, because grace makes it so, even when I can't see it that way. Because Jesus daily gives me the life that is everlasting. The life that I cannot find in the gaps of an imperfect marriage, an imperfect life plan, and my imperfect leadership skills.

And so, I am so grateful. I am.

But it's still really, really hard. Did you know that? I want to talk about it.

Did you know that no matter how amazing something seems from the outside, it gets pretty un-amazing really fast when you take responsibility for things that are God's?

The potential of my life is infinite with God, but it has been dying quickly with a lie that I've bought into.

A little lie that says "this depends on you."

I fell back into that lie's little sister that says, "you delivered something people love, now it's your job to deliver it every single day."

But it doesn't depend on me. It depends on God, because He is the one who promised to carry out on to completion the good work that HE began in me. (Philippians 1:6) And when we focus on the "me," everyone and everything else fades out from our periphery. When we focus on the "me," we begin to isolate ourselves, and the expectation falls on ourself alone.

I accidentally put the burden back on my shoulders, for the hundredth time in my life.

I forgot that there is a world of Life behind the dullness of the digital to come alongside me and shout out that they've found the same Source of all this Life.

I've used the I-Can't-Be-Your-Friend-Because-I'm-In-A-New-City-Every-Week excuse for not investing in the unbelievable women I've brushed fingers with in my life. And the We-Can't-Talk-Because-I-Have-Too-Many-Emails thing, too.

I've had the joy seared out of me with the disagreements, fights, hate, differences, conflict, misunderstandings and crap that comes so easily from people that we've never known personally.

And man. I'm exhausted. My heart is pretty worn out. You guys, it took me three hours to get out of bed this morning. Two more hours to get off the sofa. I don't want to write today. I don't want to edit posts, and I don't want to design, and I don't want to answer people's questions, and I don't want to sift through the bottomless pit of the Internet that daily reminds me I haven't learned even 0.0001% of what I wish I knew.

I don't mean to complain, but today is the day that I have found no life in anything I am doing.

And there we have it.

There is no life in anything I do.

There is only life in what God does through us.

There is no life in what we do alone.

There is only life in what we do with others.

My heart needs a witness to all its good and all its bad, just to be alive. Can I get an amen?

So, I chose to accomplish nothing today.

Instead, I unloaded my problems and my complaints on Haley and Kelly. I sat at the table with my husband and we dug and scraped pieces of debris out of one another's hearts as best we knew how. I picked up my phone and called - YES CALLED - sweet Amber to ask her advice on an issue with Good Women Project because I can't do this alone. And I emailed back and forth with Lore about the busy-ness of life and the beauty in resting, while I struggled to silence the voice in my head that was wrangling me back into believing I had too many other emails to reply to.

And in that, I found SO MUCH LIFE that I had to write, and tell someone out there about it.

Somewhere in the midst of my mistakes and mis-prioritizing, God has given me the grace of women (and an incredible husband) who have made their hearts and love and support available to me, even when I don't return it well. Even when I've put so much weight on my own shoulders that I've had no more joy left to give. Even when the dread of unwelcome comments has kept me from writing what has been trying to push its way out of my heart.

So really, what I said about not reading this blog unless you're my friend? I just meant that friends you can unload on are necessary to survival. That asking for advice is exponentially better than making a decision on your own. That talking to someone - real, human connection - is much more beautiful and life-giving than we give it credit for. I meant that no amount of reading other's stories of healing can come close to the rawness of sitting in someone's presence and putting your own heart on the table. I meant that your friends' opinions of you mean infinitely more than an anonymous commenter.

I meant that I've been reading and doing more than I've been being and loving - and if you're overwhelmed and feel alone, if you feel that the online world has sand-papered your heart - maybe you have too?

- - -

They asked him, "What must we do to do the works God requires?" Jesus answered them, "the work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent." John 6:28-29

An Apology For My Christianese, And Other Things.

2011-12-07T19:45:00.003-05:00

Have you ever stood behind a couple in the check out line and been so disgusted with their indecipherable love-speak that you wanted to smack them back into the harsh reality you and everyone else is living in?

I have. Hundreds of times. And now I'm that girl on a daily basis with a man I'm crazy in love with.

He's the person that knows all my secrets, and somehow still thinks I'm sexy even though the first thing I want to do upon waking up in bed is try to teach him the lyrics to "Zippity Doo Dah" and "The Wonderful Thing About Tiggers." He's the one that knows I'm raging inside when no one else can tell the difference, and genuinely thinks I'm beautiful when I've refused to get out of bed to shower because my cramps are so bad. He's the one that's promised to never leave me - so he gets to see all sides. My girls-just-wanna-have-fun side, my business woman, my sexy in bed, my quiet introvert, my little girl, my intelligence, my stupidity, my confidence and my insecurity. All of it.

This kind of intimacy breeds a language that baffles everyone else.

Sometimes, those of us who have experienced it think it's adorable, but most of us can't wait to get away from people who just can't use their words normally.

And so, I want to apologize not for my embarrassing behavior in the Starbucks line, but for my Christianese.

I'm not going to apologize for my love babble, because you're not really invited into my marriage, so it's pretty great that you don't understand me and him.

But I do want to apologize for my Christianese, because you ARE invited into a bigger Love. And I never meant to turn you off. I never meant to pick up that weird language that makes grace-filled kids a strange variety of humans. I always swore to be first a human, then a woman, then a-Christian-who-didn't-act-like-a-perfect-one.

But you know what? Jesus knows all my secrets, all my sides, and I get more love from Him than from anyone else. And I've fallen into a language that I know seems way too church-ish. I can't help it. It happened on accident, even though I promised myself to not be that girl.

A lot of days I hate it because I can just feel people staring at me through the Internet, reading what I write here and on Good Women Project and saying, "Dude. That's not me. Life is rough and dirty and I can't just transform a hymn into a paragraph and have all my problems solved by Waiting Upon The Lord For He Is Good." I mean really, when was the last time we waited upon someone, besides our part time serving job last weekend?

So what I want to say is this: I am first a human, and my life is just as great and just as terrible as yours. I've tried to be better and I've tried to be worse. I've barricaded my heart with self-help books and New Year's resolutions. I've dated shitty guys, I've had my heart broken, I have parent-problems, I cuss and offend people, I feel 1/10th as talented as everyone else I meet, and I need triple-strength Midol.

I'm not a better Christian than you. I don't visually see God actually walking hand in hand with me every single day. I don't treat everyone with love and grace and forgiveness as my new default personality in Christ. I have a handful of verses memorized, but that doesn't make me more impressive than you being able to recite lines from Harry Potter because you've seen it 8 times. I don't miraculously know what to say when I pray out loud in a group of people. I get uncomfortable and self-conscious when I visit a new church. I read the Bible and get confused. Starting a Beth Moore or Kay Arthur or Mary Kay - whatever - Bible study program with women I don't know sounds terrifying, and I'm putting it off for as long as possible.

I get so angry at Christians and I get so angry at myself, and I hold the whole planet to standards that are outrageous.

But. I've fallen in love with Jesus because He loves me.

And I'm sorry for accidentally speaking in vague sentences about blood of lambs, power of crosses, and lights in the darkness. Particularly when I'm just trying to tell you how much I love him, and you want to squirm because of my Holier Art Thou vocabulary.

I'm sorry for telling you simply that "I trust in God" when really I should tell you I freak out every single day, but I read a verse in the Bible that tells me to "Trust In The Lord For He Is Good", so I tell myself every day that God is good and if I keep believing that, I'll see it soon.

My love affair with Jesus is simple. And I don't want my embarrassing words and actions to get in the way of you having the same love affair.

Trying to get to know Jesus better doesn't require you to add 18th century words to your sentences. I promise. The way I see it, I read the Bible when I can. I pray and ask for him to forgive me when I realize I've messed up. I read about other women's lives and try to replicate the grace and love that I see them living out. To hear what my same Jesus is speaking to them, because we need to interact daily with other people who have found hope in Someone bigger than ourselves.

I choose to believe that His words written in the Bible, and whispered to me in my heart, can and do slowly transform me into a version of myself that is better. More like the Person I'm in love with.

But mostly, I've decided to love and chase after a man who died a very painful death to prove how much He loved me, and to make it possible for God to see me as a beautiful daughter. Permanently. No matter what.

I love Jesus. And I want you to love Jesus.

And I'm sorry for everything else that's gotten in the way.

- - -

PS. My husband Max writes fiction, and he just published a book of short stories called "We Can't Go Home Again." It's only 99 cents, and it would mean the world to me if you went and got it! You can download it to iTunes/iBooks (if you have an iPad or iPhone) or from Amazon/Kindle (if you have a Kindle, or want to download the free Kindle app onto your computer). It's really, really, really good. Click HERE for iBooks and HERE for Amazon.

Why & How To Self-Host Your Blog + 50% off!

2011-11-28T12:28:00.005-05:00

Happy Cyber Monday, everyone!

Over at HostGator (my favorite hosting company), they're offering 50% off all hosting plans, TODAY ONLY. This means instead of paying $10 a month, or $80 for a year up front, you can get the entire year up front for $40.

Some of you already have self-hosted blogs, but a lot of you keep hearing about them, and are wondering if you should be on Blogger or Wordpress, and why anyone would bother paying for Wordpress when you could just use it for free.

I decided to bunker down at Starbucks before leaving Portland this morning to give you access to my "Understanding Domains, Hosting & The Internet" PDF I give to my blog design clients. This PDF* will help you understand what a self-hosted blog is and does, and how to set one up. And to tell you that if you've been putting off self-hosting your blog or portfolio website, today is the time to do it. Please use my affililate link so I can get commission! ♥

If you are on Wordpress, click here for the Understanding Domains, Hosting & The Internet PDF.

If you are on Blogger, click here for the PDF, which includes an explanation of some of the difference between the two blog platforms.

If you'd like step-by-step instructions for purchasing your blog hosting plan, click here.

Also, I'm currently booked through the holidays for blog design, but if you'd like to go ahead and reserve time in January (new year, new blog!!) I would love to hear from you. Shoot me an email at laurennicolelove[at]gmail.com. There is more information on my blog design here. I'm also available to design banners, buttons, Twitter page backgrounds, Facebook landing pages, etc.

LOVE.

*Note on PDFs: These were written & designed for active clients, so please pardon any instructions that do not apply to you. Also, you do not need to use the 25% off coupon that is listed in the PDF. Use the CYBERMONDAY11 coupon that defaults into the code section today to receive 50%. Feel free to use the 25% off coupon at a later date though! :) Thank you!

7 months traveling across the country: for your eyes and ears.

2011-11-27T15:26:00.007-05:00

I've been traveling this massive country since April with Max. Tomorrow morning we leave Portland to head down to Los Angeles, stopping in Salem, San Francisco, and Santa Cruz along the way. I'm excited.

Max put together a slideshow of some of the photos so far, both prior to meeting me in Ohio a month into his trip - - and including our wedding on the top of a cliff in Colorado. Seeing these cities and these people has changed my perspective on what matters. Enjoy. ♥

MAD Across America: The Trip In Photos from Max Dubinsky on Vimeo.

the art of change.

2011-11-22T22:31:00.003-05:00

to fight the stagnant.

there is an art to change.

and the secret is not in the pursuit of it. or in it's accomplishment.

but rather in the art of perceiving it.

* * *

you have moved. you have grown. you have changed.

you have improved. you have become strengthened. you have learned.

you have seen. you have been. you have said.

you have created. you have chosen life. you have ended death.

you have become more beautiful. you have grown into yourself. you are more.

there is an art to observing the change you have made.

there is an art to knowing your growth, and ending the lie in your bones that says you are right where you always have been.

it is worth your time to document your movement forward. it is worth the hour of your day to know what you have done with your time.

sometimes we must move into our past, in order to accurately see our present.

create a place on the page, in the journal, on the blog, in the portfolio, on the table, in your soul. create a place to document your change.

* * *

look at your first month of blog entries.

look at your journal from three years ago.

look at your first photos.

do you see the movement?

write down the lies you used to believe.

write down the truth you know now.

write down the part of your heart you hadn't met 5 years ago.

do you see the growth?

find your first pieces of art.

find your first songs.

find your first designs.

do you see your progress?

think about the mistakes you've made that will not be made again.

think about the depth of character that was lacking 10 years ago.

think about the hidden places of the old depression.

do you see the new life?

sift through your albums, your archives, your chapters.

sift through your resumes, your childhood, your classes.

sift through your failures, your accomplishes, your proofs of action.

know the growth reflected in the dissonance between the past and present - know that your present will always be your past, and soon.

* * *

he says he is faithful. to move, to carry, to nurture, to redeem, to assign purpose. he is faithful to carry onto completion the good work he began in you.

you cannot help but grow. he has not forsaken us. like a tree beside still waters, you could not cease to grow even if you so desired.

because he is the great i am.

and in him we live, we move, we have our being.

* * *

refuse the lie of stagnancy. refuse the lie of stillness. refuse the lie of hopelessness.

document your change. be encouraged. and continue to move.

My Life In Pictures + I Answer Your Questions On Sex, Dating, & Masturbation.

2011-11-19T16:13:00.007-05:00

I feel like I owe someone (or many someones) out there an apology for not posting as much. I want to blame myself, but I'm going to blame Instagram, my new iPhone, and a new side-project for my brief absence. Oh, and just getting married. Turns out you don't get as much alone time (I'm not even talking physically - I'm talking about mentally, haha) in your first couple months of marriage. BUT IT'S AWESOME. Most of the time. :)

Instagram can do a much better job telling you about my life for the last couple weeks, so I'm going to let it do the talking:

I've been trying oh-so-very hard to answer anonymous questions on AskLauren in a way that reflects not the rules and black and whites that we fall prey to, but rather the heart and character of God. If you'd like to read any of my answers to the latest questions, I'm glad to share them:

1. What does "submit" mean in marriage? Are men responsible for their wife's sin like my college ministry leader said?

2. Is the birth control pill a form of abortion? What's the best method of family planning?

3. Why do we get to control when we have kids instead of leaving it up to God?

4. Is it wrong for a Christian woman to masturbate?

5. Is it okay for Christian married couples to have anal sex?

6. What are good books of the Bible to read that deal with loneliness?

7. Where do we draw the line between expecting and praising men for their good behavior?

8. What are good books to read that deal with your value and worth as a woman? I keep comparing myself to other women and it's so destructive.

9. How do I turn down a guy, tell him to leave me alone, or tell him I'm not comfortable with his sexual flirting without hurting his feelings?

10. I'm stuck in a very strict church and I struggle to decide if I want to spend the rest of my life this way in church. I feel like I have the life I'm supposed to live, and the life I want to live. What should I do?

11. I want to date this guy exclusively, but he doesn't want to commit to be my boyfriend. He wants to still see other women without feeling like he's cheating. Advice?

- - -

Massive exhale. So there you have it. If you're on Instagram, please follow me!! I'm laurennicolelove. Max and I are leaving Portland right after Thanksgiving to drive down the west coast and spend a little bit more time in Los Angeles before heading back to Ohio to spend Christmas & New Years with his family (!!!). I'm so excited to be traveling again, and to be heading back to the hot hot heat. Also, the pictures on Instagram will be awesommmee.

Oh and one more thing. It's been an intense month leading up the Good Women Project. We've been sharing stories on pornography and our experience with it as women: our own addictions, our significant other's, and how it's affecting our lives. Please come join us.

LOVE.

What I Wish I'd Known Before Watching Porn

2011-11-01T14:47:00.004-04:00

In addition to this little blog here, I run Good Women Project. I don't normally post much there and am primarily the editor, since I have been blessed with countless women who have incredible stories of their own to share. This month, however, we are talking about pornography. So, I decided to begin with a little bit of my own history with porn. To read the full post, click here. We will be talking about pornography from a women's perspective for the rest of November. Join us.

- - -

"Pornography is a charged subject, and it’s a word that rarely crosses the lips of most women. Yes, there are now breeds of the modern woman who watch, talk and joke about it regularly, but most of us still stay further away from speaking the word than we actually stay away from it.

When I was in high school, pornography was on the long list of “bad things” that I didn’t know much about – and unfortunately also on the list of things I had participated in. Nevermind why I was watching it, the how is the same for all of us: we stumbled upon it because of someone else. And none of us knew what to expect, or how to handle it.

Later in life, I caught myself remembering how I used to watch it for a few minutes here or there, and wondered strictly out of boredom if it would fill the big, empty space of loneliness in my late nights. There were no parents around to hide from anymore, and no one checking my Internet history. Pornography was easy, and I never exactly knew why it was bad, particularly since I wasn’t actually having sex. To me, it was just something dirty that you probably shouldn’t have anything to do with. But “probably shouldn’t” never stands up against loneliness and boredom.

I am not one with an addictive personality. Meaning, I binge, and then drop things quickly. I knew this about myself, and so I used this as an excuse for watching pornography. I’d watch it every night for a couple weeks, then not at all for a few weeks. Always off and on. Clearly I wasn’t addicted. Just like I smoked, and never became addicted to nicotine, and drank, but never became an alcoholic. I was just watching it, and could stop anytime I wanted. No damage done, because I was still in control.

Wrong. Nicotine still seared my lungs, and alcohol still did some decent damage to my liver and personal life. Just because we aren’t addicted, doesn’t mean it does no harm. Even while I wasn’t “addicted” to watching pornography, I always wanted more. It existed as a guaranteed time-filler and pleasure-bringer, and when you get an hour to yourself – that’s an easy default. An easy default activity that establishes a heavy precedence in what you do with your next bad night.

I wish that 10 years ago someone had educated me on pornography. What it is, what it does, and what it reaches in and destroys in the hearts, minds and bodies of men and women.

I wish that someone would have told me that researchers have proven it sabotages your sex life.

I wish someone would have explained how dopamine, the chemical that is released every time you experience pleasure, drives you to return to what provided that feeling before.

I wish someone would have told me that the kind of pornography you’re most turned on by is usually linked to a corresponding hurtful event in your life, further injuring your brokenness."

To read the rest, please visit Good Women Project. > > >

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What Makes A Woman Good?

2011-10-26T15:49:00.002-04:00

I wanted to introduce a little mini-blog I've started over on Tumblr. It's not meant to be a secondary blog of mine, but rather a hub for the gems the pass in and out of my life.

Between running Good Women Project and writing here on my blog, I get to share and hear so many stories. Sometimes women ask questions, and sometimes I have the answers. And sometimes I just need to bookmark incredible things that I want to be shared with everyone.

And with that introduction, I'd love for you to bookmark asklauren.tumblr.com or follow me if you're on Tumblr.

Today I answered an anonymous question that I wanted to post here:

"Lauren - - I love reading the posts on your blog as well as The Good Women Project. I was wondering if you could touch on this term "good" in a little more detail. What does "good" mean for women who see themselves outside the landscape of purity? I've read some comments recently on posts that seem to see this word as isolating and judgmental - - for example, that somehow if they have had premarital sex they must not be "good women." Any thoughts?"

Answer: Ooo my heart. A year and a half ago I was out behind a post-hardcore/metal venue with a dozen sweaty musicians praying over me as I stood in shock while my world imploded on me. It was one of those moments where time stops and you try to figure out how you ended up here. Needing this. In that moment, I realized that I no longer had any hope for being good. I no longer saw myself as good. And no one else did either. I had finally achieved what a sick part of me had always wanted - to be just like everyone else.

And I had lost all respect for myself.

I grew up as “the good girl.” And yes, you are right. The traditional definition of ‘good girl’ as defined by the church alludes primarily to her purity. Which I no longer had. When I lost ‘my purity’ (I’d argue can happen without physically having sex - but in a mental/emotional capacity), I still wanted to be the good girl, but I lost a lot of respect for myself. I also was having an inner battle: The kind of good that I had grown up being was not the kind of good I wanted to be. The old kind of good came from following the rules, and I failed. I needed a kind of good that came from love, that gave life and not death.

I was somewhere between a girl and a woman, and I knew for a fact I was no longer a girl, but I could in no way call myself a good woman. And I had no idea what even defined a good woman. I just knew I wasn’t it. But it’s interesting that even Jesus stood up against a man who asked Him how to be good. Jesus said, “Why do you call me good?! No one is good, only God alone.” (Luke 18:19)

“Good” is not a condition that is defined or un-defined by your past, your history, your church attendance, your appearance, or even your current sex life. I have learned that “good” is the position of your heart towards Jesus and your future, and in turn is the actual condition of your heart. We can live life with or without Jesus, and apart from him, we have no hope of ever being good - because He himself is our Righteousness. (II Corinthians 5:21)

”Good” is a woman who admits that she cannot be good on her own, so she pursues Jesus, because through him her life is redeemed and she finds life and love. ”Good” is choosing to believe you have value because Jesus said you do. “Good” is having hope in your future again because God makes all things new, and gives every minute, intricate detail of your past a purpose again. “Good” is learning to start over again and hold God’s hand while you walk and strive to understand the purpose of his commands while you obey them with his help.

In that moment behind the venue, I desperately wanted to be a good woman.

And in all humility, a year and a half later, I can say that I am. Not because I no longer make mistakes, but because I’ve given the whole of my heart and life over to Jesus again. Not because I am the poster child for a Perfect Woman or Perfect Wife, but because I have dug my heels in and allowed God to define my value, my worth and my future. And I’ve fought to keep the position of my heart turned towards Jesus and my future.

I am good again because I’ve started trying again, and trying with the right Person.

- - -

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I Don't Have To Be A Slut To Be Sexually Confident

2011-10-24T17:46:00.009-04:00

I have a little confession to make. While I've been submersed in the topic of sex and dating over at Good Woman Project and here on my blog, I've forgotten the world of sex as I knew it a year ago.

I understand that this month I've spent most of my time discussing sex with:

1) my husband, who used to be addicted to porn, and now talks on how damaging porn is;
2) Ally Spotts and her fiance Darrell, two awesomely attractive and super cool Jesus-lovers who write about sex and dating;
3) my 20-something friend Haley who is outrageously gifted in the relationship-advice/purpose-of-sex department;
4) young Christian girls in bible studies; and
4) sifting through countless stories from women on how casual sex broke them.

I am blessed to be a part of a movement of men and women who are willing and excited to talk openly on sex the right way. A movement that is unafraid to say, "the traditional church hasn't handled it as well as it should," and also "the world hasn't handled it well at all."

But this week, I've read some articles that have shocked me out of my sexy-just-married-lingerie and honestly, made me a little bit angry that I'd forgotten WHY I started talking about sex in the first place.

Women are giving up on being the good woman they've been striving towards, because they've stopped believing the good men are out there.

Translated: Women are embracing sex before marriage because they've stopped believing there are men who will wait for them.

No, seriously. It's true. It's why I gave in to sex, and it's why I slept with men I didn't even pretend to love. I developed an, "I deserve this, because everyone else is doing it" attitude. The men that cheated on me, left me for other women, left pornography open on their laptops, or simply dated women that slept around angered me into my own "I don't care" behavior. Men were proving to me that sex was the most important part of life, and I should be living that way too. Sex first, questions after. I stopped believing I could find a man who could prove that he meant it when he said I was beautiful and would stick around forever. If men were going to have sex any way they wanted it, when they wanted it, I was going to have it too, damn it.

Sex has become a selfish thing, and the current "me" has become more important than the future "we." This is why sex outside of marriage is self destructive.

And what I've been reading this week is re-confirming that this is why women are still embracing and manifesting their sexuality in all the wrong ways.

AskMen and So Feminine did polls this year on promiscuity. The AskMen survey that revealed 70% of men find women promiscuous between 5 and 10 partners, while the So Feminine survey reveals 55% of women find men promiscuous somewhere between their 20th and 50th partner. Only 15% of women find men with 10 sexual partners promiscuous.

Marrie Lobel "sort of" reviewed these polls in her "Promiscuous Women" post in a rant about her self-admitted out of control yet perfectly acceptable sex life, and said: "It's this perception of what makes a 'good' woman that keeps women from being equal to men. It's in women's nature to want to be accepted and thought of as worthy and good. This survey, I'm afraid, will not only set a precedent for what men think a good woman should be, but box women into living life according to what others dictate as appropriate. Well, fuck society. If I am considered a wanton woman because I have slept around with more men than another man is comfortable with, then it is his loss."

Classy, Marrie. However, you do present a problem that demands at least a hypothetical solution.

Apparently, women still aren't equal in your eyes. Not because of our civil rights or because we now make up 52% of the workforce, but because we are attempting to have as much sex as we want outside of marriage and men are thinking less of us for it.

Hypothetical solution? Women need to be averaging as many sexual partners as men, and men need to GTF over it.

The problem with this solution is actually hinted at in your own words: "Men express their desire to be with a sexually confident woman, but find her promiscuous at 5 partners."

Marrie, I'm going to tell you a little secret.

"Sexually confident" stems from one of two things. Either from a woman who is insecure in her identity and therefore overcompensates in her sexuality to find confidence somewhere, OR is confident in her identity, in which case it carries over into her sexuality. And men know this.

Men are attracted to confident women. Men are attracted to a woman's sexuality. But good men are not looking for insecure women who find their identity in their sexuality.

Marrie, I'm going to give you some words of advice, woman to woman:

Don't read the polls to determine how you should be finding your identity and living out your sex life.

Don't decide whether or not you'll find a good man based on a statistical study.

Don't make sex about yourself just because you haven't found a man who makes it about your loving commitment to one another.

Don't get angry that men still desire women who are confident enough to share her sexuality with one man that deserves it.

Don't play the numbers game with your heart just because a poll shows you the world is playing a numbers game with their body.

Don't stop believing that there is a man out there who will protect your identity before he participates in your sexuality.

And please, for the sake of all relationships everywhere, please don't believe the lie that you must be sexually promiscuous in order to be sexually confident.

I'd like to end with words from an anonymous good man who commented on Marrie's post:

"To me, anyone that has had many casual sexual encounters has a high likelyhood of having damaged their ability to respect sex as part of a committed relationship. I very deeply tie sex and love together, and frankly I don’t believe someone that has used sex for casual pleasure can feel the same as I do on the subject. I would gladly give up “wild, kinky, crazy” sex to be with someone that feels as I do. Unfortunately, there just aren’t many women left that haven’t ridden the merry-go-round of casual sex, which means I either suck it up and settle for less than I want, or go without a committed relationship."

PS. Can I just re-phrase "sex out of marriage" as "sex without committed, unconditional love" once and for all, please? Maybe then we'd realize that we're not breaking a rule someone else set, we're actually harming ourselves.

Supplemental Saviors, And My Disappointment In Myself.

2011-10-14T12:17:00.003-04:00

I am disappointed with myself.

I am disappointed that I have tried to find supplemental saviors.

People ask how I did it. Did what? I want to ask.

How you overcame your past. What was done to you, and what you did to others; to yourself. The grief that you were dealt, and the grief you caused.

I listen to their perception, and begin to think I am an exception.

I listen to them search for an answer more tangible, more attainable, more controllable than Jesus.

And I begin to comb through my healing, dig through my heart, sift through the hard years...to find things easier than Jesus.

Some days I find nothing. Some days, empty things that bear partial witness to a whole truth.

The empty things, the whispers-of-truth things, the supplemental saviors...they taunt me with their checks in boxes and say, "See? We have made you whole. We have filled you. We helped you overcome."

But still, their mercies begin and end with the front and back of their covers. Their mercies fill and are contained by the box for the checkmark.

And I am a living, dying creature. I need mercies every morning. New ones. For the new death, the new hurt, the new sin.

So I rally my books, my counselors, my friends, my pastors, my families, my communities, my epiphanies, my curriculum, my antidepressants, my better diets, my therapists, my mentors, my time that passes, my supplemental saviors, and I cry out: "APART FROM HIM WE CAN DO NOTHING."

Apart from Jesus, I can do nothing.

I have done nothing. I have overcome nothing. I have healed nothing. I have won nothing. Rather, I have come to the end of myself, and found a Savior who needs no supplement. A Savior who has done and is doing and will do it all.

For he has sworn it across the heavens, "It is FINISHED."

We have not believed.

Death wrecked my heart, my family, my hope. Jesus killed it off before it killed me utterly, and gave me a new life.

There is no healing or comfort that can be attained by your adding. Only by emptying everything you are, and filling it with everything He is.

I am not the exception. You are not the exception. We have inside us the hope of all eternity, a seal upon our hearts, because He was the exception in our behalf.

Lord, help us with our unbelief.

Resources For The Recovering Legalist (Or Homeschooled Kid.)

2011-10-09T14:42:00.009-04:00

After I wrote A Letter To My 18 Year Old Self and shared a little of my ultra-sheltered, conservative upbringing, I've received a lot of emails asking what books I recommend reading.

So, I'm working on putting together a little resource list for each of you dear hearts. It's by no means complete, but a core selection of reading material that helped me move out of one world into another. If you have something to add to this list, PLEASE do! Leave it in the comments.

Please, please do not let money come in between you and these books. Rent them at the library, or find them through bestbookbuys.com. Or carve out time in your week to go sit at Barnes & Noble and read them on the floor. That's how I read most of them.

Waking The Dead: The Glory of a Heart Fully Alive - John Eldredge :::::: "The story of your life is the story of a long and brutal assault on your heart, by the one who knows what you could be, and fears it." Enough said. Read it.

Sex God - by Rob Bell :::::: We never talked about sex. Ever. It was dirty, sinful, wrong. I recommend this book to every person regardless of their past or present.

Captivating - Staci Eldredge :::::: READ. I was the ugly duckling growing up. On top of wearing "homeschooler clothes," I was gripped with devastating insecurity through middle school and high school. I read this when I was 18, and thank God I did. Girls, you are beautiful. And you were meant to be beautiful. It's OKAY to be beautiful.

Sex & The Soul Of A Woman - Paula Rinehart :::::: Girls, this is a must-read. Even if you haven't had sex. You are an absolute gift to man. Paula writes about sex and heart-stuff in a way that only a woman can.

Ragamuffin Gospel - Brennan Manning :::::: The gospel is simple. The church has complicated it. Get it un-complicated.

Think Differently, Live Differently - Bob Hamp :::::: This book will change the way you view absolutely everything. It's no longer about doing more right, more good. It's about knowing that "more right, more good" won't get you any closer to the life Jesus created for you. It's about living from the Tree of Life, not from the branch of Good on the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.

What's So Amazing About Grace - Phillip Yancey :::::: Get this, or at least get the Visual Edition for starters. Weeks after I ran out and away from my family, I probably wouldn't have read anything other than the super-awesome visual edition. This book showed me, for the first time, that Jesus loved me. No matter what. And that all of us were sinners, and equally dirty. No matter what.

Longing For Daddy: Healing From The Pain Of An Absent or Emotionally Distant Father - Monique Robinson :::::: I had a close relationship with my dad the majority of my life, but not so much in high school. And I haven't had an eye-to-eye conversation with him in six years. No matter where you are in your relationship with your dad, this book helps you look at fathers (and your heart) the way God does.

Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How To Say No - Cloud & Townsend :::::: This book is important for every single person, and absolutely necessary for someone who grew up in an controlling or manipulative environment. I am a people pleaser, I can't say no, I over-commit, & I get irrationally emotionally involved. For the first time in my life, I know it's okay to do what I want with my life.

The Hidden Heart* - Bob Hamp :::::: The idea that "the heart is deceitful above all else" and must be ignored and smothered, is something that has been grossly mis-interpreted in a lot of conservative Christian circles. I was racked with guilt and ended up severely depressed because of it. Read Bob's brief *blog post on how you are SUPPOSED to treat your heart.

Radical - David Platt :::::: The gospel in its simplest form. Learn to live how Jesus lived.

Homeschool Blindspots* - Reb Bradley :::::: If you are planning on homeschooling, or are homeschooling, read this *blog post. Also, if you were homeschooled, this might set you free a bit from your parents mistakes, and help you measure out grace where it is needed.

Raised Right: How I Untangled My Faith From Politics - Alisa Harris :::::: If you were raised in a very political-oriented family like I was, read this.

A Tale Of Three Kings: A Study In Brokenness - Gene Edwards :::::: Very, very short book. If you've lost family members, moved away, or gone through any sort of grief - read it.

Redeeming Love - Francine Rivers :::::: This is a pretty hefty novel (yes! novel!) about a prostitute. This book I hid in my room when I was 17, and it pulled at my heart strings just enough to give me the courage to leave home and seek out a God who was this loving, this forgiving, of a woman He dearly treasured.

Blog Posts I've written on my experiences:

A New Definition Of Love
How To Deal With Pain
Letter To The Girl Without A Father
Grief, Lightning Storms, & A Broken Spirit
Jesus Will Change You
When Christianity Says You Aren't Enough
Love Was The Plan

Very important note:

At the end of the day, no book or author is going to heal your heart. If you're human, chances are you've undergone heartbreak, heartache, or trauma. On top of being born broken. There are no words better than God's, no love closer than Jesus's, and no friendship closer than the men and women who are called your brothers and sisters in Christ. If you're a recovering legalist, or don't know much about God, take a little break from the rest of the Bible and spend significant time reading just Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. Get to know Jesus first. We come to God through him, and we begin to live our new created lives through him.

If you're having trouble reconciling the love of Jesus to the harshness of God that you used to know, read Hosea, Jeremiah, and Isaiah. Learn that He has written His words on your heart, and will never forsake you or be angry with you again. Hear that He has forgotten your mistakes completely. He has bound you up your wounds in loving kindness. God has fought in your defense since the day He created you. You are safe, and He is NOT disappointed.

- - -

Were you raised in a too-conservative home? Homeschooled? Dealt with severe loss or grief? Have a past you've needed recovery from? Broken relationships with family?

What books do you recommend? PLEASE share them in the comments.

October Advertising Spots!

2011-09-29T16:54:00.001-04:00

It's almost October, everybody! This means advertising spots are opening back up! I'll be taking this post down in a few days, but I wanted to give all of you the opportunity to advertise if you haven't seen the tweets & Facebook shout-outs about it!

Your Homosexuality vs. My Pornography

2011-09-28T16:47:00.007-04:00

I slouched in my booth, staring at the last few crumbs on my plate, trying to stifle the suffocating internal heat. He ignored my silence and volleyed his question right back over the table top for the third time. "But it's a SIN. Why won't you admit to me that it's a SIN."

"Because I don't understand why it's so important that I say that." I mumbled, as I moved the crumbs into a little circle with my straw.

"Because it's SIN. Sin is important, Lauren."

The bitter edge in his voice snapped something inside of me and I slammed my hands down on the table in Panera. "I don't CARE if it's sin or if it's not! It doesn't MATTER to me. And I'm not going to say that it is or isn't because I'M NOT GOD. Even if I think it's sinful, it changes NOTHING. It makes it worse. And I can't STAND the hate in your voice."

And so ended one more stupid conversation over homosexuality. A waste of words. One more place that sin was granted more power than it ever should have been given. One more relationship strained because a well-seated self-righteousness was given more weight than grace.

Yesterday, I read Emily's words, "I cry for fear of Christians finding me and learning I had a homosexual friend who was the most Christ-like person I've ever known."

Yesterday, I tweeted "Tired of the gay community being the Christian's advanced challenge for grace & acceptance. Man looks at appearance, God looks at the heart." And was barraged by people who replied, "I don't understand" and "It's not our place to fix their problem, it's God's."

This morning I woke up to an email from a 16 year old girl who just met Jesus - and got into a fight with her Atheist parents over homosexuality at the breakfast table. She was searching for someone else to defend her desire to love unconditionally and without question.

Today I sit in front of Jesus and hand him a list of every man's name that I've slept with and kissed - and a face sketched for the names I don't remember. Today I sit at Jesus' feet with an entire book filled with every lie I've ever told and every hateful comment I've ever made.

Today I sit next to Jesus and hide my face while he watches my life play back on the screen - every night I've draped myself over men at the bar and mixed profane lips with a half-dressed body, every minute I've spent watching pornography, and every coffee date I've gossiped about other women behind their backs.

Today I hand Jesus a lifetime of bank statements with every outrageous, self-satisfying expense highlighted - and I watch Him add up my selfishness that I "deserved" as He pulls a small, motherless and homeless child closer to Him in his lap.

Today I sit in the dirt, unable to see Jesus' ripped flesh on the cross through my tears. Knowing that it is for MY sins that He has endured Hell.

As I sob, I am approached by a stranger to grace who points at another man and says, "Tell me that it is sin. Tell me that his sexuality is a sin."

And I feel my soul stretch to it's breaking point.

I struggle to stand to my feet, with emotions I cannot distinguish raging through my veins. A jumble of fiery words tumble over one another in my mind. I want to scream, "HOW DARE YOU" to the accuser.

Instead, I stumble and fall in the arms of the other man - and cling to him for comfort. He is a man who knows what brokenness feels like. He is a man who has been trying since the day he was born. He is a man with his own pain-filled list of lovers. We are men and women who have become brand new and beloved, at the foot of the cross.

I call him brother. Because he is.

And together we are a broken generation of children who stand in the face of the accuser, so desperately needing a Father who refuses to look at our physical bodies and looks only at our hearts.

A Father who views us as wholly pure - who no longer names any of our sins because he has removed it from us as far as the East as the West, and does not remember it.

Believe me when I say that we are all born diseased, and Jesus has healed all of His children of every piece of brokenness.

- - - - -

"When I came to you, I did not come with eloquence or human wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony of God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness with great fear and trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that you faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God's power." II Corinthians 2:1-4

"I appeal to you, brothers and sisters, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that there be no divisions among you but that you be perfectly united in mind and thought." I Corinthians 1:10

"God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; the weak things to shame the strong. God chose the lowly and despised things - so that no one may boast before him. It is because of Him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us our righteousness, our holiness, and our redemption." I Corinthians 1:28-30

"You, then, why do you judge your brother or sister]? Or why do you treat them with contempt? For we will all stand before God’s judgment seat." Romans 14:10

A Letter To My 18 Year Old Self - And My Story.

2011-09-20T10:00:00.001-04:00

Some of you know pieces of "my story," others none at all. One day, I'll have more of it written out - and it is a gift to me that this blog is the slow uncovering of my never-ending wrestling match with it. Thank you for listening, and for loving me through it. It has meant the world to me.

I'll be honest, I try to not speak of it much here. I was born in the South, homeschooled, and raised in an ultra conservative home under a definition of sheltered that most people aren't familiar with. The oldest child of 4, we were to be "set apart" - never coming into contact with the sinful world. I lived in a bubble, with restrictions like no television, no movies, no public schooled friends, and no books unless dad read them first. All letters I wrote and received had to be read by a parent before they entered or exited the home, and every church sermon was picked apart at the Sunday dinner table, truth re-stated and lies cast out, until my heart was bloody. I didn't have friends at church; youth group wasn't allowed, and I dressed funny, so the other girls in Sunday school class didn't talk to me. I never went on a date or kissed a boy before I was 18, and I went through my teenage years with no make-up, no nail polish, and no girls nights allowed. My teenage years were instead full of politics, speech and debate, and discussing the perversion that is American society.

To this day, I haven't seen The Little Mermaid, and if you joke about an actor, TV show, or musician between 1987 and 2003, I will look at you with same expression I give astrophysicists when joking about microquasars. This morning in bed, my husband asked me if I knew what Seinfeld was and I replied happily, "Yes, it's a cartoon!"

Somewhere between age 16 and 18, I began questioning things. I was introverted, and miserable. There were too many secrets I couldn't share, too many things I couldn't do, and too many books I couldn't read. And I was desperate to have fun, and to stop thinking. Weeks after turning 18, I walked out of my home. I went to the only safe place I knew, and stayed there. 6 months later I moved for the 10th time in my life to Phoenix, Arizona to go to college. Since then, I have moved 22 times, not including the last 7 months of living in a car while I travel the US.

My life has never been the same. I lost my family, my friends, and I have spent every day of the last 6 years learning who I am, who God is, and how the world functions.

Much of it was a clean break, and much of it was a slow, brutal tearing apart.

I sat down last night with a heavy heart to write a letter to my 18 year old self. So many women have asked me to share my story. One day, it will be a book, but for today, it is in the form of a letter I wish someone had written me 6 years ago.

- God is not who you think He is. He is bound by nothing and no one. Don't be afraid to question what you know of Him. Don't be afraid to question the rules as laid out for you. God is big enough to handle it, and crossing the lines of religion, denomination, subcultures & belief systems will not break your God, or revoke your salvation.

- God will fight in your defense. Even when you are suffocating and drowning in confusion, when the ground underneath you seems unsteady and faulty, He will always know your heart and will never condemn you for your lack of understanding. He is the God of wisdom and of truth. If you seek it from Him, He may re-write what you know, and that is okay.

- It will be harder than you think. This isn't teenage rebellion, and it isn't the miscommunication of the generation gap. You will not wake up one day and have parents again, and your decision to walk out on your own means God will reassign new family members to you. Permanently. It will be painful, especially on holidays and birthdays, but in the end, you will find out that biological family is given to us to represent spiritual family - and you are simply learning it the hard way.

- Your heart is not evil, nor is it deceitful. Do not be afraid of yourself; God created you and set those desires in your heart for good. Submit yourself to Him, and you have nothing to fear. Dig deep into what makes you happiest, what triggers emotional responses, and what you are drawn to. It isn't you being worldly or sinful, and you will not be punished by God for them. Live life fully, and don't be afraid to breathe. Your mistakes are already paid for, and fear does nothing to stop death - only to stop life.

- It will get better. Those girls you envy, that are confident and beautiful? Those girls that have friends to laugh with and cry with? Those girls who have good men in their lives and a future they look forward to? Those girls who aren't plagued by confusion, depression, and loneliness? Those girls who can have fun? In six years that will be you. And those years will go by fast. Take it one day at a time, and don't try to become someone else. Become what you love, and a miracle will happen: You will become that girl.

- Read, a lot. You have years and years of truth and love to re-write into your heart. You were born broken, just like the rest, but in your own unique way, too. It takes reading about others' childhoods, brokenness, and fears to see what Jesus can do to a woman's soul. Acknowledge that you're just trying to figure things out - and read everything that gets put in front of you that has to do with healing. It will slowly permeate your mind and heart, and truth will soothe the ache.

- The numbness will go away, at the cost of your innocence. You'll slowly learn how to be human, and you'll slowly begin to feel normal. I know that in a desperate attempt to be 'just like everyone else' you'll get drunk at the frat house, you'll kiss boys whose names you don't know, and you'll watch pornography. I know you'll sleep with a guy you don't even like in a self-loathing attempt to destroy the Holier Than Thou reputation you've grown up with your entire life. It will wreck you, instead of heal you - but it will bring you to a new understanding of Grace that God needed you to experience. It will be part of your story.

- Read the four gospels. Every single day. Take a break from theology, and let go of what is right and what is wrong. At the end of the day, your salvation rests on Jesus alone, and he cares only for your heart, not for how much you know. Pay attention to what he talked about most: Compassion, healing, taking care of the widows and orphans, dealing out grace and mercy, overlooking tradition for the sake of love, and making people new. Our first command is to love one another, and you will not be able to do that with judgement and bitterness in the way.

- Be the little girl that you are. God knows you're scared of growing up, and he knows that right now, you despise men. He sees you as pure and innocent, and when you can't explain yourself, he already knows your heart. God desperately wants to be your Father, not your life coach, your teacher, your business consultant, or your boss. He just wants to be your Father, and sitting in His lap sobbing, "I don't know, I don't know" is okay - just as a little girl falls, gets hurt, and buries her face in her fathers lap to cry and beg him to fix it. God will always defend your innocence; Jesus loves the little children.

- Choose to always believe that God is good. You'll always believe that God loves you, but you'll stop believing that He is good. Like dark-chocolate-and-a-big-hug kind of good. Your life is in shambles, and He knows it. You'll be a mess for awhile, but He has a plan. You'll hate it, you'll get sick of it, it won't make sense, and you'll cry yourself to sleep a lot - but He will always be good, and you must always believe it. The moment you stop believing it, your heart will break all over again, and you'll start sabotaging yourself. Dig your heels in and believe that God is good.

- Being a girl is okay. All the things you weren't allowed to do in high school, go do them! No matter how silly, how impractical, and how pink they are. Buy the colored eyeliner, get a brazilian wax, color your hair, paint your nails black, spend too much money on shampoo, go see outrageous chick flicks, buy that sequined little black dress, buy the scandalous lingerie and enjoy laughing at trash reality TV. Not everything has to be practical, and you don't have to think in black and white. Find yourself somewhere in there, and learn to enjoy being a woman.

- Your parents' definition of sin may not be God's definition of sin. Sin is missing the mark, choosing to live a life apart from God's way, and letting self-centeredness grip your heart. Just as one culture believes a woman without a headcovering is sin while another believes that voting Democrat is a sin, neither of these hold any weight over anyone's salvation. Don't give sin power where it doesn't deserve to have any. Choose instead to see people how Jesus saw them: all in universal need of His love to fill their empty hearts.

- It isn't your job to find a man to love you. One day, after you've made way too many mistakes and gotten your heart broken, you'll decide to revert to what you believed when you were a little girl: You'll get married, and it will be amazing. I don't mean this in a naive, Cinderella sort of way - I mean that the man you're going to marry is already born, and when he meets you, you won't have to fight to get his love or attention. God made it that way, and it's okay to believe it stubbornly like a little girl. And it is true what they say: When you know, you will know.

- It's your life. I know you don't believe me, but really, it is. You were created to live a life no one else can live. If you live a life dictated by someone else, then you were not necessary. And God does not create unnecessary things. There will be things only you feel, things only you experience, and at the end of the day, you need to be the one who loves what she is doing with her life. People will be unhappy with you, and family and friends will disagree with you. God has a story for everyone's life, and you will not live that story if you're letting others write it.

Yesterday Is Dead & Tomorrow Is Not Yet Born

2011-09-19T16:36:00.009-04:00

Sometimes, few words are best. I've been noticing that Jesus tells very short stories. I've been in a season of wanting to talk less, to listen more. It's a little bit of being tired, a little bit of burn out, and a lot of knowing that at the end of the day, you are just like me: A girl with a lot of problems, a lot of questions, and only one Savior.

I was going to write a long post about how I've been cutting things out of my life. How I left most of my artwork, clothes, and letters I've held onto for years back in Ohio last month. How I stood over a small fire in my back alley, watching years of court documents and condemning letters burn into ash before my eyes. I wanted to write about coming to terms with missing relationships in my life; ones I desperately want, but cannot have. About the pain that comes with little deaths, and the joy that stubbornly arrives the morning after. About the silly things: unfollowing, unsubscribing, and hemming in my heart in a way I never have. And to write about how I've learned to instantly toss out anything that reminds me of a past life; a woman who I used to be, but am no longer.

I wanted to tell you all to jealously protect the life you want to create; to share how I've chosen to let go of things, people, and memories. And how I wish someone had given me the strength to do it years ago.

But all I can write is that I now know the difference between yesterday and tomorrow. That I will never live in either of them. But that my place will forever stand right here, in the middle, called "Today."

Today, I have to decide if Jesus is enough for me. Today, I will learn to wrestle with the hope of heaven. Today, I will be content in not knowing the answers - and no longer being concerned that I do not know. Today, I will sit and hear stories of girls with broken pasts and broken hearts, desperate for love, and say, "I have found no answer other than Jesus."

Today I will choose to act on the truth I know, even when I do not understand it.

Today I will choose to trust in love that was proven by death on a cross, even when I don't feel it.

Today I will choose to believe that I was made beautiful, even when I cannot see it.

My yesterday is dead, and my tomorrow has not yet been born.

Today is the only day that is alive. And for the very first time, I am going to live it.

I am out of words, so I made this pretty little thing to remind us all that it's hard to slough off the past, but so worth it. Feel free to Pin it, tweet it, blog it, put it on your bathroom mirror, anything. Also, I just finished re-designing my new sister-in-law's blog, so you should take a peek & say hello to her.

What have you cut out of your life recently? What do you need to let go of? Do you need prayer for the courage to do so? I want to hear. Leave it in the comments.

MARRIED.

2011-09-09T21:30:00.012-04:00

So, I got married on Saturday!! It was the best day of my life, followed by the best extended weekend on my life. Denver is the most beautiful place on earth, and I'm forever glad that I was so adamant about getting married on a mountain at sunset.

I am so blessed that my heart hurts.

I have promised the world a post on how to keep a wedding under a thousand dollars*, but for now, I'm just going to show off a couple of my favorite photos so far, and answer the questions everyone's dying to know:

No, I don't really feel "married," just like you didn't really feel "18" or "21." Yes, I was way more nervous on my wedding day than I expected to be. Yes, we're still in Denver. And yes, the sex is great! (We both blog about sex and porn, so yes, I know that's your only real question.)

1. How To Plan A Wedding For Under $1000
2. What Makes Sex Great, And What Doesn't
3. What I Didn't Expect About Marriage
4. 10 Things He Did Right (& What Makes Men So Valuable)
5. You Decide! (Ask a question/suggest a topic in the comments!)

A Confession: I've Changed.

2011-08-30T16:43:00.007-04:00

Have you changed lately? Are you a different person than you were a year ago? Three? Five?

If you ran into a long lost friend, or fell out of touch with someone for a few months - would they notice that you are different?

I would hope so.

Some of us fear change simply because of the uncertain. Some of us fear change in others because it leaves our relationship undefined. And we all fear change because it reminds us that we are not in control.

I've been accused of changing a lot in my life. This past year included. Guilty as charged.

5 years ago, I would have called myself a sinner.*

2 years ago, my views on sex would not have let me be close friends with the woman I am today.

A year ago, I was scrambling to understand who I was, for the second time.**

And even in the last 6 months, I have become radically different.

Yes. I have changed.

Do you know what I love about Jesus? This. "Jesus looked at him and said, 'You are Simon, the son of John. You will be called Peter.' " (John 1:42)

In one fell swoop, Jesus looks at a man, acknowledges his father, his family, his past - and says, "I know who you are. I KNOW. And I will call you otherwise."

Not, "you have some problems, let's talk about them." Not, "follow me, and eventually you'll be further away from your past." Not, "tell me about yourself." And not, "let's get rid of the bad and keep what looks good."

Jesus says, "I know you. I know everything. I know where you come from, and who you are. None of it matters to me. THIS is who you were created to be, and THIS is what you will be called in the new family that I am creating."

Done, and done.

When you decide to follow Jesus, you are faced with a very inconvenient truth. That you are brand new, and that your reality will never again be the same.

That everything you thought you knew must now be re-filtered through God's perception, not yours.

It is a loaded truth. It is a truth that implies your sins, your faults, your past are dead and gone. A truth that says this world matters no longer, and that our eyes are "to be focused not on the seen but on the unseen." It is a truth that implies the old is DEAD and the new is NOW. It is a truth that forces you over and over again to decide which is more important to you: the kingdom you've lived in your entire life, or the kingdom of heaven.

It is an active truth. It requires fighting. It requires ripping open the scarred flesh so that the surgeon can remove the debris.

Becoming a new creation in Christ is not a fancy way of saying that the sins in your pretty little heart are now invisible to God because you said The Prayer. Becoming a new creation in Christ means that Jesus knew who you were, and has said No. This stops here. You are mine, this is your name, and this is how you fit perfectly into a family that you can't even see yet.

Being given a new name in Christ does not mean that when you get to heaven you will be assigned a bedroom with Mildred Winnie Anne on the plaque above your vanity. (Although this could be true, God does have a sense of humor.) It means that every morning you wake up you must re-commit to accepting the name that Jesus has given you, and refuse the depression, the pain, the accusations, the never-enough, the selfishness, the materialism, the loneliness, the addiction, the sadness, and the failure that every other broken person has sold to you.

I have a hard time with this.

Just as Paul had a thorn in his flesh, I have mine, and you have yours. Or we have a few of them.

Many days, I want to be the Lauren who can't quite hear God clearly. I want to be the Lauren that's depressed because her biological family isn't coming to her wedding on Saturday. I want to be the girl that's really shy that grew up without any friends and struggles to relate to women. I want to be the girl that makes everyone around her happy and at peace. I want to be the Lauren who goes back to re-read Systematic Theology every 5 years so that I can have a tiny chance of winning over my dad with my flawless hermeneutics.

But that is not the name that Jesus has given me.

Jesus has told me that just as a sheep knows the voice of his shepherd, I DO know the voice of my Father. (John 10:2) I have been given family all across the world who actively loves & encourages me daily, because "whoever does My will is my mother, and brother, and sisters." (Matt 12:50) I have been called Bold and Victorious One, because Jesus has promised to carry out to completion the good work that was begun in me. (Phil 1:6) In my mission to preach the scandalous life that Jesus offers, I bear the same sword that He does. (Matthew 10:34) Jesus has called me Simple, because "you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children." (Matt 11:25)

Jesus was not a watered-down sort of man. Never did he come to make you better, he came to make you brand new. Never did he show up with painkillers, he came to heal.

You are not somewhere between dead and alive. You are alive.

"He is not the God of the dead, but of the living, for to Him, all are alive." (Luke 20:38)

Change does not come easily. Life does not come easily.

The people in your life that identify only with your old self will be confused, unsettled, offended or no longer know how to relate to you. But the people who have a glimpse of the self Jesus created you to be will cheer you on, be excited with you, and encourage you in your race to change and be changed.

And that last group of people? THAT is family. The family that will be ever growing - as you continue to seek them out and as God continues to bring them to you exactly when you need them. And when they need you.

You will change.

It's okay to change. It's okay to become more like Jesus and less like you.

It's okay to stand up for your change. Losing things is okay.

I will celebrate your change with you.

I will celebrate the new name Jesus has given you.

How have you changed? Tell me.

Our new names are glorious things.

_ _ _ _

* Recovering legalist, folks. Infinitely envious of what other women possessed but terrified to seek it out, and utterly convinced I would never emanate or live out freedom. Jesus gave it to me.

**Finally addressing a lifelong identity crisis & inferiority complex with being a woman. Coming to terms with Jesus creating me as a woman for a purpose & finally understanding that I have great value (not less) because of my gender.

A Reminder For When We Forget.

2011-08-24T02:19:00.003-04:00

This is a reminder that God does see you.

And He does love you.

And He does know that you are trying, and trying hard.

This is a reminder that the fight is worth it, particularly when it's painful.

And that the women you admire are worth admiring because of their scars.

And that Jesus sees your scars before anyone else does. While they're still raw wounds.

This is a reminder that tomorrow comes.

That you are beautiful.

That everyone feels alone; it isn't just you.

This is a reminder that Jesus is closer than blood. That "healing" isn't a church-word. That when He feels absent, compassionless, and silent, He is still the great I AM.

This is a reminder that you have been saved.

That you have been re-made.

That you have been re-named.

That when God reached down from heaven and wiped the mud and dirt and sin and sludge off of your heart and soul, he made a commitment to see you as innocent as the day you were born - for eternity.

This is a reminder that you were created to be desperate for His love.

So act like you're desperate for it.

The Biggest Life Update Post Ever.

2011-08-18T18:50:00.006-04:00

UPDATE TIIIIME.

I love these blog posts. Sometimes its nice to just talk to all of you about life. Right now. What this week looks like. So, I want to catch everyone up to speed and give a big, huge wave to everyone on the Internet that I love!

1. I've been traveling all around the country for the last 5 months with Max. I've gotten to meet lots of you, see some of you dear friends again, and go on crazy adventures. It will take me years to unpacked everything I've learned, seen, and loved. God has done amazing things with my heart: pulling me out of my past, making me new, and teaching me to live with nothing.

2. I'm currently apartment hunting in PORTLAND. Yes, I'm moving across the country! We are staying with my dear friend @haleykristine and spending awesome amounts of time with @emelina and @allyspotts and @oldetime and soon to be more of you. Because there are just so many people in PDX that rock.

3. I got ENGAGED in Dallas and getting MARRIED in...two weeks I think? In Denver, on September 3rd, on a cliff - small, simple, entirely budgetless and so beautiful. I am so unbelievably excited to be marrying a man who is my best friend, my greatest cheerleader, and who makes me better in every single way. Our WEDDING site is pretty awesome and it tells our ridiculous and crazy love story: makeitmadlove.com

4. In this search for a new HOME that I am so beyond excited for - I've been reminded of just how much money it takes to get settled. (I might get a garden!!!!! And won't live out of a duffel bag anymore!!!!!) So, I am offering ADVERTISING space on my blog & booking BLOG DESIGN projects for October. And if you'd like to give me & my sweet man a wedding gift...well, that'd be a wildly appreciated gift. I am also selling pretty photographs on my SHOP, but they will not be shipped until September, for obvious reasons. :)

5. Max & I just found out we cannot eat dairy, eggs, or gluten - so have any awesome recipes or resources? Comment them, please!!

6. A personal favor? Could you tell your friends and Facebook/Twitter networks about my blog design services & advertising/sponsorship spots? It would mean the world! <3

7. If you're in Portland, tell me!

Until next time, lovely people - I'll be seeing you on Twitter and Facebook.

My Los Angeles-Induced Identity Crisis

2011-08-04T16:07:00.007-04:00

I've spent the last two years of my life re-building my identity, so after 10 minutes on the phone with one of my mentors/close friends yesterday, I was a little confused and almost offended when she told me I was in the middle of an identity crisis. A word of advice? Look up definitions before you get offended.

What is Identity?

1. The individual characteristics by which a person is recognized.

2. The condition of being oneself and not another.

3. The state of remaining the same, as under varying aspects or conditions.

So there you have it. Your identity must know WHO it is, that it is YOU and not another, and must remain itself in any situation.

Adapt: Make something suitable to requirements or conditions; adjust or modify fittingly.

I, by nature, am an adapter. To some extent, all of us are born with the ability to adapt. In nature, it's necessary for survival - and in our social environments, it's necessary for peace. If we're in a healthy environment, adaptation isn't that harmful. But some of us have childhoods that force us to take on the nature of an extreme adapter in order to avoid conflict. And all of us are living in a world that wants to force us to adapt to it, and ultimately, to re-define our identity.

When we don't know our God-given identity in the first place, identity changes go unnoticed, or just seem reasonable.

And when YOU don't know who God made YOU to look like, to be, and to act, you'll chase alternate identities for the sake of being at peace & avoiding conflict with the world around you.

Identity Crisis: Confusion of goals and priorities. Personal internal conflict that involves confusion about one's role & a sense of loss of continuity to one's personality.

The last four days I've been in Los Angeles. Prior to that, I've been traveling the country in a car, living out of a duffle bag for 4 months, wearing the same pair of shoes every single day, and barely doing my hair and makeup. I've been staying with simple people, learning to live on a non-existant budget, and I've gone shopping twice in 6 months.

Recently, my life has been flooded with girls and women who don't know who they are anymore, who have been destroyed by our sex-saturated culture, whose boyfriends are addicted to porn, and who are stuck in jobs, relationships, and emotional messes that they hate.

96 hours in LA, and my heart ACHED. The city you live in and the television you watch are selling you sex, money & a lifestyle you won't ever get. I'm used to that. But here in LA, it's on steroids. Even billboards for bail bonds are dripping in sex and half dressed women with bodies I'll never have. I didn't realize what I'd become numb to until I saw it in its extreme.

Every billboard seemed to scream at me, "You will never be sexy enough, you will never attractive enough, you will never have enough money - I will sell you this lifestyle if it's the last thing I do." It's convincing, but what Hollywood doesn't know is that I'm driving home to my inbox full of women who have been destroyed by the lifestyle that those billboards and reality TV shows have been selling.

And I cannot bear it's weight.

I'm not buying into it, but my heart is pulled to the very thing that threatens its life.

So I called Christen almost in tears, and asked her to help me sort out my heart.

"It's conviction. You see the lie, and your heart is sensitive to it. You've always been sensitive to this. Pay attention to it. Don't ever cope with conviction. Don't ever quiet it. Don't ever tell yourself to learn to deal with it because the entire city is, or your friends are. Don't judge those who have bought into it, but don't adapt to them either."

What is coping? What is acting on conviction? How do you stay and keep your heart from hurting?

"Everywhere you go, you MUST acknowledge what is there. And then you ask yourself, 'Who is Lauren, and who is she here?' "

Identity crisis. The Lauren that LA is trying to sell me is one who should have miraculously found a way to hit the gym every day while traveling across the country, and who should have put more money for clothes into her budget. The Lauren that LA is trying to sell me is one that makes her work to death for the money. It tells me that no matter what my identity is in Christ, all men will always choose a sexy woman's body over my heart. The world tells me that my character and love and intelligence and sweetness and heart will never match up to the larger than life woman who drips sex 24/7, a hundred feet above traffic.

Traffic composed of men and women who have traded their God-given identities for the sake of avoiding conflict with the world around them.

Traffic composed of women so distracted by who they aren't, that they don't know who they are.

Traffic composed of girls who wake up hating their skin, their faces, their hair, their stomach, and their legs - and go to bed every night thinking about it.

I know, because I've been there. And these last 5 months have been some of the only months of my life that I haven't found disappointment in the mirror every single morning. But it came back this week. And to cope, I want new makeup, better fitting jeans, some heels that show off my legs, and have had no problem skipping meals.

96 hours of competition, and it's more than my heart can bear. Partially because I cannot win on those terms, but primarily because it's too painful for my heart to let go of who God has told me I am. I can feel something grasping and grabbing wildly for my heart. And I don't want to give it over.

I want to do something we women never do, and brag on myself: I LOVE WHO GOD MADE ME.

I LOVE my identity. The one God gave me.

I love that I always want to stand up for the defenseless.
I love that I see beautiful things in everything.
I love that I have flaws, because it makes me love the man who loves me in spite of them EVEN MORE.
I love that I get more excited over reading the book of Luke than any pop culture magazine.
I love that I want to hug everyone.
I love that I am beautiful to God.
I love that I see my friends as family.
I love that my heart rips open when I see girls in pain.
I love that all my mistakes are paid for by Grace.
I love that some days I know exactly what I'm doing & other days I haven't a clue.

I love that I am sensitive & affected by Los Angeles.
I love so many things about myself.

I adore the Name that God has given me.

And when the world asks me to adapt - to change, modify, or take on other versions of myself in order to avoid conflict or to be accepted, I will now always ask myself:

Who is Lauren? And who does SHE want to be HERE?

Isaiah 43:1-7 might be the greatest part of the Bible when it comes to your identity: "Do not fear, I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are Mine. When you pass through waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through rivers, you will not drown. When you walk through fire, you will not be burned. For I am the Lord your God - your Savior; I give all of creation for your ransom."

The word for "name" is not talking about your first, middle & last name. It's the word for your core. Your heart. Your soul. The deepest part of you that makes you unique. What makes up you. He has called you by THAT. And when you, the you that God created you as, walk through life - you will be untouchable. Because he has handed over the entire world for the sake of ransoming and redeeming the real you, for Himself. And he will fight for that you.

Put Isaiah 43:1-7 in your bathroom. And make a list of everything you love about yourself. Put into words who God says you are.

Please. The real you is too valuable to lose.

I Found A Lie Inside

2011-08-03T15:17:00.002-04:00

How Do You Fall In Love With Jesus?

2011-07-29T21:02:00.002-04:00

How do you fall in love with Jesus?

The same way you fall in love with anyone else.

They show interest in you, and you show interest back.

Someone initiates a conversation, and begins investing their time.

Talking to them becomes a priority because there's SOMETHING there that you don't understand yet, but just want more of.

They write you a love letter, and you read it over and over.

You write one back.

You make them a priority in your life, and begin carving time out of your daily routine because you want them. You want their attention, you want their love, you want to know who they are and how they work.

You sacrifice something here to show you care more for them than that, and you give up something there because you want to know what will happen if you spend just one more hour with them now.

You share your secrets with them. You tell them the best parts, the worst parts.

Give a little time every week, and you'll find you want it more than just on Friday or Saturday nights. Give them a little time every day, and you'll wonder why you thought that one thing was so important.

You talk about the things you'd rather not, but kind of do - just to see if they'll still want you.

The more you invest, the more you'll love.

This is what we were supposed to understand when we heard, "Where your treasure is, your heart will be also."

Somehow we turned it into a currency of money instead of a currency of time and intimacy.

Spend all your money on a person, and that's a cheap reason to stay.

Spend all your time and secrets on a person, and that's a heart you won't be able to leave.

Invest your treasures in Jesus, and your heart will follow.

Few of us love at first sight; we need beauty, passion, or interest to slowly reel us in.

Stop waiting for Jesus to be any of these things for you; he already has.

Beautiful enough to design the mountains and rivers for your admiration, passionate enough for you to die, and interested enough in you to sell off the whole world for you.

He wrote down his entire life story for you, a love letter thousands of pages long - just so you would know him and fall in love with him.

He fell in love with you before first sight.

And he's stopped at nothing - not even death - to show you how much he wants you.

He's waiting for you to start falling in love back.

Friends With Benefits for Relevant Magazine & Identity for DeeperStory

2011-07-21T14:24:00.007-04:00

New Shop Launch!

2011-07-08T15:17:00.008-04:00

Soooo those of you who have known me for awhile know that I used to have a cute little online shop that I loved - but it's been down for awhile.

And now it's back! I've quit my 9-5 job & am 100% freelancing, so the shop is quite necessary. Plus, I love it. :)

Come take a peek ♥

Art, Relationships, & The Lie That Keeps You From Having Both

2011-07-05T18:37:00.009-04:00

I do a lot of things. I say that I do a lot of things. Photography, blog design, graphic design, writing, making jewelry, painting - I have a really bad case of, "oh that's amazing - I want to be able to do that!"

So I try. Really hard. Because I want it. Really bad.

I experiment, I Google things, I research it. I spend an ungodly number of hours reading, observing, and trying over and over and over.

I used to hate that I never had anyone to teach me what I wanted to be able to do. It's frustrating. Discouraging. Sometimes I feel like it's not worth it. Too much to tackle. Like I'm on my own. I've never had close friends or teachers that help me, guide me, & enable me to get better at whatever artistic endeavor I've got my hands in.

But over the years, I have started to see it as a gift. I am slowly perfecting the art of teaching myself.

We live in a world that admires "the self-taught" above everything else. "You TAUGHT yourself?" It's the ultimate compliment.

People look at someone who learned something on their own and ask, "HOW did you teach yourself that?"

How? Because they fully believed they could throw themselves into it and eventually figure it out.

Anyone who has learned anything on their own knows how frustrating it can be to be "self-taught." To spend 10 solid hours on something little and stupid, because you can't get to the next part until you figure it out. "If only I could just take a class on this." "If only I could just ask someone and get the answer."

But everyone who has spent 10 hours on something little and stupid also knows that they will never forget what they learned.

Everyone who has sought something with their entire heart has discovered that the greatest lie they can believe is that they "can't" unless someone else teaches them how. They learn that belief is everything they need to propel them forward.

And it becomes permanent to them. It becomes what they understand, not just know.

What they are capable of, not just what they replicated.

In a way, it becomes part of their identity.

It becomes worth it.

I like to think that God's primary characteristic is an artist. Genesis 1:1 says, "In the beginning, God created."

When we were created in his image, we were created with the innate ability to create and initiate on our own. More than that - the desire was embedded into our heart. We can initiate change; we are active, not passive creatures.

Last week I was asked, "how do I get a relationship with God like yours?" A few days ago, "how did you get past everything that happened to you?" And in the last 24 hours, several people who don't know how to pray or hear from God have crossed paths with me.

And everyone wants to be taught. Because in the moment, that seems impossible.

We all want to be "able," immediately.

We feel utterly directionless before we take the first step. We think we don't even know where to begin. We base our potential options off of failed actions in the past. "I tried that for like three years, it never worked." "I can't just....do that."

And so we decide, "I can't." Until someone comes along to teach us.

But what we're always forgetting is that God created us with the ability. God designed you with the ability to create. God MADE to have a relationship with him. The relationship you see other people having with him. God created you with everything you need to get past what happened to you. He designed your heart and soul explicitly for the purpose of communicating with God - sharing yourself with Him, and He sharing himself with you.

What we are forgetting is that God created us.

And just like everything else, a relationship with God is simple, but not easy.

You were born with the ability to have the relationship with Him that you want but don't know how to get. Believe it.

You were born with the ability to speak to a God you cannot see. Believe it.

You were born with the ability to overcome everything that has happened to you. Believe it.

You are able to chase God with everything you have, no matter what. Believe that in the end, it will be worth it.

Because it is when you doubt the possibility that you lose the ability.

If I didn't believe I could figure out how to use a camera, I never would have become a photographer.

If I didn't believe I could find the answer to my stupid broken code problem somewhere on Google, I would have stopped looking & never designed anything.

If I didn't believe that I could mess with paints enough to finally get it to do what I wanted, I would never create anything.

You must believe before you try.

If I didn't believe God would answer me, I would stop talking to him.

If I didn't believe God would love me the way I needed to feel love, I would have never asked him for it.

So, this is my encouragement to believe. And to try. To try hard.

Choose to believe. To experiment. To run, and fall. Climb, and slip. Mix things together, and find that they don't work. But slowly we get the answers, piece by piece. We master the next step, eventually.

And before you know it, you will have created. You will understand, not just know. You will have the relationship with God that you didn't have last month, last year, ten years ago.

Because you will have tried all the wrong ways - and it was hard - until you found that you could obtain what looked out of reach.

Because you were created by God. In His image.

- - -

"You will seek me & find me when you seek me with ALL your heart." Jeremiah 29:13

It is written: ‘They will all be taught by God.’ Everyone who listens to the Father & learns from him comes to me. John 6:45

No longer will a man teach his neighbor saying, 'Know the LORD,' because they will all know me, from the least of them to the greatest," declares the LORD. Jeremiah 31:34

"I will put my law in their minds & write it on their hearts. I will be their God, & they will be my people. Jeremiah 31:33

- - -

PS: I am raising money to get back home by selling photography from the first half of the trip! Please consider helping us out! <3

Come join me on Facebook! > >

Selling Photography From The Trip To Get Back Home!

2011-07-01T12:13:00.010-04:00

Please come peek around at the online shop, and spread the word if you'd like to help us out. :)

We are in North Carolina at the moment, next stop is Nashville-ish & then making our way to Dallas. If you're anywhere between here, there, and LA (the final destination), get in touch with us! We'd love to meet you.

Oh, and Max wrote this on Wednesday & I think it's awesome: What Men Really Want.

♥

Sex, Faith & Men: What I Never Knew About Dating.

2011-06-24T18:12:00.001-04:00

"Why don't you date him? He's a good guy."

"Just give him a chance. You never know unless you take the risk."

"Go on a few dates. Just because he isn't a Christian doesn't mean he will be a bad boyfriend."

"God can change people. Maybe he's the one. You can make it work.”

"We're just hanging out, it's not serious. It won't go anywhere."

"You're not deciding to marry him right this second. Just see how it goes."

I remember being a freshman in high school and believing heart and soul that I would never date a "non-believer," much less ever have sex with one. Fast-forward five or six years, and I've dated a couple. Fast-forward another year or two, and I'm sleeping with one that I'm not even dating.

No girl wakes up and says to herself, "I'm gonna fall head over heels in love with a man I'd never marry today" or decides over lunch that sex is just sex is just sex, and none of it is a big deal anyway. I didn't. And you probably didn't, but both of those things happen to us.

“Your first perfect Christian boyfriend broke your heart. You weren't supposed to mess around with him, but you did anyway. Now you might as well mess around with the next one. You've been perfect your whole life. You deserve to have some innocent fun. It's just going out for a drink - that isn't committing to a relationship. Cuddling as 'friends' isn't wrong. Marriage is like, a decade away. What are you supposed to do for ten years - be bored? Everyone has sex before marriage. And everyone ends up with a husband and happy in the end. You need to experience everything before you settle down and only have sex with one man for the freaking rest of your whole entire life.”

I don't know how it happened to you, but that's a glimpse of what happened to me. And I was the girl with the best intentions, the highest standards, and the most reasonable head on my shoulders. Maybe you got there a little differently, but it ended us both in the same place.

Why did it happen? Because we're human. Because life happens. Because we get hurt. Because we're built for relationships, but we're born broken.

And because too often as Christian girls, we are given the rules with no explanations. We're told the No's without the Yes's. We're given the worst-case scenarios without a picture of the amazing fun-filled, purpose-filled, hot sex & crazy love filled marriage that we were created for.

As Christian girls, we're told that sex gets us pregnant, ruins sex with our future husband & is SIN SIN SIN. The church has steered us away from sex by way of guilt, shame & fear. The problem with motivating by guilt & fear (instead of truth & life) is that the moment another area of our life collapses (which it will), we give up on everything. Because sin is sin is sin, right?

We say, "What the hell." And we give up a little, settle a little, stop caring a little.

This is what I didn't know about relationships. About men. About myself. About sex. About dating. About marriage. About life.

This is what I didn't know, that had I known, I might not have become addicted to things that slowly began to destroy me.

This is what I half-knew, that I pushed to the back of my mind and heart, believing that I couldn't have or couldn't find.

This is why you can't date a man who doesn't love Jesus, if you have given your life to the God who created, treasures and adores you.

- Because Love isn't enough to get you through anything. You have to respect him, too. There is something in the heart of a woman who loves Jesus that knows she can't fully respect a man who doesn't have God as his number one priority. If you don't respect him as a man, get out. If you question it now, you can expect it to be wholly sabotaged when things get rough. A man knows when you don't respect him, and there are few things more dangerous, problem-causing & explosive than a man without respect.

- When we evaluate relationships, we forget to set the stage at its worst - we just set it for now. Last week, my man hit rock bottom. As the woman who is promising to love & support him (and invest my entire life in him) no matter what, I HAVE to know that God loves, protects, will provide for, and will strengthen this man in my arms. If a man doesn't love God with his whole heart, I can't be assured that what I'm comforting him with is going to be delivered. I can't have faith in a man who doesn't have faith. I can't strengthen the faith of a man who doesn't have any to begin with.

- If you are a woman who loves Jesus, a man who doesn't love Jesus doesn't know who you truly are. Your identity is defined by God. You're lying to yourself if you think that your relationship with Jesus can remain in a box, outside of your romantic relationship. For a while, I told myself that if he understood every part of me except for the God part - that was okay. When you are created a new creation in Christ, ALL of you is "the God part." No part of you is untouched by your love for Jesus. And your man does not see that you - he sees a different woman.

- You need an anchor. One day you're going to fall apart. And you're going to need him to come to your rescue by way of God, not by himself. God is our rock, and our foundation. Max cannot be my savior. I cannot be his. And both of us need one. If you date a man who doesn't know his Savior, you are forced to fulfill that role, which as a human being, you cannot. And he will try to be your savior. And he can not. Everything will be okay because you believe in God, not because your boyfriend “believes in you.”

- When you've made the decision to follow Jesus, your perception of everything becomes wildly changed. Lifelong friendships are built not on similar interests, but on similar views of the world. Marriages are no different. It is said that marriages do not fail for lack of love, but lack of friendship. You're choosing a partner to take on the world with together for the rest of your life. You can't make it through the battle if he's seeing differently than you are. And you can't live with someone you wouldn't be friends with in the first place.

- He can't love you to the best of his ability if he doesn't love Jesus. I'm talking about the kind of love you need to survive a marriage. The love that lasts a lifetime. The lay-down-your-life-for-someone-kind-of-love. The world's definition is but a pale imitation of love. If you want to truly be loved by a man, you need to find one who has experienced unconditional, sacrificial love as is defined by God, the author of it. God created marriage as an image of Jesus' relationship with the church, and Jesus laid down his life out of love for his bride.

- You can't marry them, so why date them? Let's say you've already decided you won't marry a non-Christian - but what's wrong with "just" dating them? Your body is designed to bond utterly & completely with someone, through the release of dopamine & oxytocin. Dopamine is the chemical that drives you back to pleasurable things. In its most innocent form, it teaches a small child that puppies are awesome. In its most powerful form, it creates a natural addiction to the person you are physically involved with. You were created to be addicted to someone for the rest of your life. The addiction starts the moment dopamine is triggered and begins to flood your brain. The question is: are you created an addiction to something healthy, or unhealthy? (When Oxytocin is triggered, it teaches your mind to trust, and reduces fear. Consider the repercussions of programming your body to trust someone you know you shouldn't, and to be safe around someone you plan to break up with.)

It hurts. It's hard. You love him.

I'm not telling you to leave him because you're sinning, I'm telling you to go get addicted to a man you want in your life forever.

- - -

Want to talk about it? Email me. laurennicolelove [at] gmail.com. I've been there.

Want to read more about what sex does to you? Read my post "I Was A Prostitute."

Want some lighter talk on dating? Read my post "I Met My Man on Twitter & I'm Writing You A How To Guide On Dating"

Is your boyfriend doing this? The Heart Leads & The Mind Protects: The Men To Love & The Men To Leave.

And lastly, check out my Good Woman's Guide To The 21st Century over on MakeItMad.

A Letter To The Girl Without A Father & Etc.

2011-06-17T11:35:00.003-04:00

I have a confession.

I cannot function without a father.

I have a second confession.

I used to love God because it was the right thing to do. Now I love Him because I am desperate for a Dad.

I have a third confession. A confession that mocks the Devil.

I believe that Daddy Issues are a gift.

I am not too proud to say that I am a woman who now knows she would not have sought God any other way.

I am not too proud to say that it took the world shattering pain of my father’s absence to bring me to an empty parking lot in the middle of the night at age 19, 14 years after I was saved, where I began to Love my God.

Love him like I loved my father. Needed him like I needed my father. Wanted him like I wanted my father.

Read the rest of A Letter To The Girl Without A Father on DeeperStory.com > >

- - -

My previous posts for Deeper Story: Love Was The Plan, The Most Important Thing, & Losing Everything.

I was also honored to write for POTSC (People Of The Second Chance) this week: I Was A Prostitute.

We are wrapping up the month on Body Image & Beauty at Good Women Project. Yesterday was Part One of An Eating Disorder, & today's post is Part Two. July's topic will be Let's Talk About Sex. If you want to share your story, please email me at goodwomenproject [at] gmail.com. <3

Join me on Facebook: LaurenNicoleLove & Good Women Project

Follow me on Twitter: @laurenlankford & @goodwomenproj

Rest: Conversations with God.

2011-06-09T13:31:00.012-04:00

I'm learning that black and white often isn't sufficient for me. I love words. But I love the sky. And colors. And air. And space.

This was my conversation with God this morning. And how it felt.

Did you read my last post? I Was A Prostitute: The Truth About Sex. Also, I love this: Bodies & Beauty: My Almost-Eating Disorder.

I Was A Prostitute: The Truth About Sex

2011-05-27T22:14:00.009-04:00

Last night I went to a sex trafficking awareness event.

Black and white photographs - mug shots - of broken, bruised women arrested and brought in for prostitution flashed across the screen, over and over and over. Horrifically broken women. Women who, like horses, have had their spirits broken in order to serve another man's purpose and desire.

I listened to a 30 second clip of a young woman pleading and sobbing with a judge for mercy in his ruling on her 31 solicitation charges: "This isn't me. I'm not this woman. I don't want to be this. I don't want to do this anymore. This isn't me. Please, please help me. Please."

Don't punish me for what I did, because this isn't the woman I wanted to be.

But I feel like I have no other option.

I beg of you to be the man who stands in my defense.

Sitting on that cold, wooden bench, watching this girl beg for someone to understand that Prostitute wasn't her name, I was shocked to find that the ache swelling in my heart was an ache I'd felt before. The same pain I've felt many times. An ache I could see written on the faces of every single girl and woman in that room.

Why could every woman identify with the sobbing prostitute in the court room?

I have begged for someone to see me as the woman I want to be; not as the woman I've fallen into being.

I have been the woman condemned by the sex I've allowed, agreed to, and willingly sought out - but later, desperately cried out for someone, anyone who will understand that this isn't the woman I want to be. This isn't me.

But a small part of me feels like I had no other option. It was out of my control. I said yes, but did I really mean it?

Desperately wanting a man to stand in my defense. To fight for me, before he wants sex.

"I used to think prostitutes were the criminals. Not the victims. Everyone has a choice, right? She had the option of not agreeing to sex. But look at these women's faces. When you judge thousands of domestic violence cases, you learn what victims look like and what they don't. And every single woman brought in on a solicitation charge looks like a victim. I started studying statistics on women charged with selling their bodies. Every single woman has been the victim of another crime: domestic violence, abuse, incest, molestation, abandonment. But we prosecute them as the criminal."

So this judge made the decision to start viewing prostitutes not as criminals, but as victims. A second chance.

Sex taken from them. Not given. Even though they said yes. Even though they received something in return.

Every time I had sex I said yes to it. But I have always felt like something was taken from me. Even though every single time I thought I got what I wanted or needed that night.

Do you have a choice? And is that really the question? Is it really the word Yes or No that matters?

Did those women have the choice to say no to giving up their bodies in return for something else they desperately needed to make it through the day?

Do you? Do I? Out of the overflow of the heart, so the mouth speaks.

The ugly truth of prostitution is that those women don't really have a choice. The majority of them have been trafficked, and if you're familiar with trafficking, you know that it is kidnapping and slavery in it's most brutal, gruesome, despicable, evil form.

The ugly truth of prostitution is that those women exchanged sex for what they needed to get through that day alive, according to their past, their perspective, and the men who shaped their lives.

And the ugly truth of my sex life is that in the past, I have given every inch of my body in exchange for what I needed to get through that day alive, according to my past, my perspective, and the men who shaped my life and my culture.

That is why every woman in the room could relate to the desperation, pain, judgement, guilt, brokenness, and plea for mercy expressed by the prostitute.

Because I believe that as a woman who has had sex with men who did not commit their life and love to me, I am as that of a prostitute.

As are you, if you have also slept with a man before he married you.

I am not judging you. I am fighting heart and soul in your defense.

Because I know that you feel like you were the victim of another crime. A father who left. A man who broke your spirit. An emptiness that never ceases. Pain inflicted on you by another. A culture that tells you sex is all you're worth. Men who have degraded, devalued and destroyed women through pornography. A society that has lied to you about sex since the day you were born. The victim of men who refused to fight in your behalf; men who refused to fight for you. All of you.

Because I know that when you said yes, you thought he would stay. Because I know that when you said yes, you knew he wouldn't.

Because I know that you were in search of something other than sex, just as I was.

The truth is that when we want sex, we want passionate intimacy. We want a man to want us. We want him to actively, physically demonstrate his intense desire for us - over everything else he could be doing at this very moment.

We want closeness. We want to feel needed, wanted; to feel like we both fully satisfy and are satisfied by another.

I'm not eliminating our desire for physical pleasure, or to put it bluntly, saying that "women just want to be wanted, we don't care about getting off."

No. What I'm pointing out is that when we crave sex, we are craving things that can't be delivered by getting ourselves off. Otherwise we would be forever content with that.

And this is how we identify how powerful sex is.

I am not jaded when it comes to sex. I am not pandering abstinence because traditional Christianity labels all self-indulgence as "sin."

I want it. I enjoy it. It frustrates me when I cannot have it. But I have learned that "sex will satisfy me" is a lie, and comes at great cost.

Beloved woman, would you still be turned on if the man in your bed said:

"You're sexy, but I might decide another woman is sexier later."

"You are beautiful, but not enough to make me yours forever."

"I love you, but I can't promise I'll protect you, in fact - I'll probably hurt you instead."

"I love getting you off, but if you get pregnant, I might not be the dad."

"I love your body, but only because you're hot. And I'm watching porn when I'm not with you."

"I want you more than anything, but just tonight. It will be different next week."

"I came over because you're easy sex and I don't have to really love you to get anything."

"I want your beauty and your warmth and your body, but nothing else."

Whether or not the man you are sleeping with is saying these things out loud, these statements are being branded into your mind, body & heart every single time you have sex outside of marriage.

Because they are all true, when sex is had without a diamond on your finger. There is no guarantee that a man is staying, that he loves you and is committed to you - and so these statements are inherently true. And there is nothing that the best intentions can do to alter their truth.

Even if you are content with going through with sex, and sacrificing what you know you want or deserve in order for temporary companionship, comfort, "love," or physical pleasure, you WILL start to believe certain things about yourself, other men, and other women.

You will start to believe that you are no better. That men are no better.

It will alter your view of sex, love, relationships, and men. But most importantly, it will alter your view of yourself.

It will name you Prostitute when your precious, broken heart begs a man to see you as the woman you always wanted to be.

We are a generation of women who have been convinced by the men in our lives that sex is what we have to give in order to attain what we need to get through life.

I crave Something, and men have convinced me that sex will fill it.

Be honest with me. When you tell yourself that you want sex, did you come to this conclusion by yourself? Or is it the product of the men in your life and the culture you live in? I challenge you to sit down and wrestle through this.

Are you the criminal, or are you the victim of a broken world, in dire need of Love in it's true form?

Women, we have sold ourselves.

And it is breaking us.

The human body is not built to withstand regrettable sex. We are not built to give everything before he has stepped up and committed to give us everything back. This is why you feel like something has been taken, even though you said yes.

Women, you are not built to have sex with a man who has not committed his heart, mind and body to you for the rest of your life.

I beg of you to join me in saying No.

Saying No to the lie that sex alone will satisfy what you crave.

Saying No to men until one of them loves you enough to promise to give, not to take. For the rest of his life.

I beg of you to sit at the foot of Jesus with me as Prostitute. As he gives us new names, and fights in our behalf.

Men: This was written for women. It is my great hope that you will be a man who stands up and defends the value of women, and resolves to protect a woman's identity as well as her body, spirit and heart. A loved and respected woman is of infinite value to you. My man writes on sex & pornography. Read more here. And yes, we are waiting.

Men & Women: I run Good Women Project, and we are doing a giveaway of the book Love & War by John & Staci Eldredge. Go leave a comment here if you would like to enter to win.

Are you following me on Twitter? Do that here: @laurenlankford

Be a fan on Facebook. It's the best way to keep up. Do that here.

The Most Important Thing

2011-05-23T09:19:00.001-04:00

"It’s 12:33am on a Sunday, and I haven’t slept in my own bed or shaved my legs in my own shower in about two months.

I haven’t been alone for more than 30 waking minutes since March 24th.

I went to a new church today. Two of them, actually.

I have holes in my boots and a blister from flip-flops given to me by a woman who knew I needed them.

I just missed an important credit card payment on accident, and they don’t take apology letters.

I can’t decide if I’m more upset that I decided to wait for marriage, or that I’m not already married.

I just want to sleep next to him right now.

I’ve been sitting at this damn table for two hours now, looking at this little list of things, wondering whose idea it was to give me a platform of any sort. "

Read the rest of my post on DeeperStory.com today >>>

Injecting Purpose Into Your Life Before It's Too Late

2011-05-16T12:11:00.005-04:00

"Life" overwhelms me. Not every morning I wake up - - just the word itself.

Probably because whenever I hear a word, I have some sort of visual image of it in my head. But the word "life?" I can't see anything. I can barely grasp it.

What IS it?

It's something that's so broad it can't be defined. And when we try, we do a pretty bad job of it - probably because the majority of us live in nice little organized bubbles filled with people that are either in the same grade, the same field, the same stage of life, or the same lifestyle. Just lots of You's, and all right now. Too few differences, and we only see what we know.

When was the last time you saw someone die? Do you know what the inside of a 62 year old's mind looks like, suddenly widowed and estranged from her grown children? I can't possibly know what her life was, is, or will be - what was important to her, how she made defining life choices, what she clung to, or what she regretted most.

And not once has Death dealt its blow in the same room I was in, forcing me to grasp the brevity of my body's ability to keep functioning.

After 23 probably-a-bit-stranger-than-yours years, and the past 47 days sleeping in strangers' houses, my mental projection of future-Life is fuzzier than the antique radio you just picked up at Goodwill.

The primary lesson I've learned is that there is no normal. Every single person (and family) is a wildly unique, intricate mess - and there are no two alike. When you start crossing state lines, belief systems, extreme family histories, and life stages, most of them are so different you experience a mild level of culture shock. (47 consecutive days and nights of baby culture shocks translates to permanent jet-lag, in case you were wondering.)

I'm not faced with the widow's regret. I haven't experienced 50 years of working a "good" job, waking up to realize that my priorities were all out of line. I can't chase Corporate America for 40 years to see if I can break six figures, and then go back to try chasing radical relationships and spur of the moment adventure for 40 more to see if I feel more fulfilled that way.

It has been these things, these experiences, that make me realize how much I covet wisdom.

We don't get do-overs in life. We get to choose one way of living, and that's all we've got.

So what is at our core, that we can truly cling to and live by?

Do you have a life mission? A goal? Something bigger than you that you're working for? Something worth making sacrifices over?

If someone gave you an index card and asked you to write down the purpose of your life, could you?

I'm not bringing anything new to the table today. We've been told our whole lives that money can't buy happiness, that love makes the world go round, and now in this generation that quitting your 9-5 job is going to catapult you into a kickass life worth blogging about.

But catchphrases aren't enough. Quitting your job doesn't guarantee you a purpose if you didn't have one already. It just guarantees less money, and a schedule so flexible it's almost panic-attack inducing. Quitting your job is only worth it if it's a sacrifice you're making for a very specific life God has called you to.

Because it's not what you're doing, it's how you're doing it.

When my road splits, I have to have some sort of foundation to make decisions by. I need to have pre-determined truths and priorities that I know I will fight to keep present in my daily life.

I know that 4 years ago I wrote on an index card, "that she would show love, grace and compassion to everyone she met, regardless of what was shown to her." That's what I want people to say of me when I die. Because I don't know if I'll die at the hands of a crazy tribe warrior, or silently in my own million dollar home. But I've decided that either way, I'll die happy if people know me by that.

I know what I'll make sacrifices for: love, grace and compassion.

I want to keep those three things alive in everything I do. For the rest of my life. Whatever it looks like.

I challenge you to chase wisdom. To sit down and talk with someone twice your age. Save yourself a lifetime of regret. Save yourself wasted time, energy spent on things that won't be worth it. Determine what you want to be known for. Write it down. Flesh out your understanding of life and a life worth living.

Be one of those few people that doesn't know exactly what they're doing, but knows exactly how they're doing it.

- - -

"Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble." I Peter 3:7-9

"My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you." John 15:12

"Do you now believe? You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me. I have told you these things that you may have peace. In the world you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world." - John 16:31-33

- - -

Note: This post was triggered by an incredibly awesome late-night table discussion with some good people I've been hanging out with this week in Savannah, GA. Josh Lind runs The Fusionist, and we ended up all making a list of 10 things that make our life worth really living. You know, the things that you remember experiencing, and you know in your heart of hearts that life is truly good? My list is over at The Fusionist. Please take a moment to read my guest post there, and leave your 10 things!

- - -

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Be a fan on Facebook. It's the best way to keep up. Do that here.

I Met My Man On Twitter & I'm Writing You a How-To Guide On Dating

2011-04-26T12:42:00.013-04:00

Hearts are messy places, and when you try to merge two of them, it tends to turn two human beings into living, walking wreckage.

I really shouldn't be writing a How-To Guide on dating, seeing as the man I'm dating I met on Twitter, and our first 30 days together in person have been 30 days on a road-trip to nowhere.

I don't recommend this for everyone. Unless you want your first child to be a carplant that you name Howard and like waking up with no idea what city you'll be sleeping (or showering) in that night. I happen to want this a lot, but I understand that I'm "special."

But seriously. I believe that truths come over time, and they are to be learned in all places in all things.

And I've realized in the last 24 hours that I can tell you exactly how to land yourself a good man and a good relationship:

You let God do it.

(And you stop selling yourself short.)

You can't follow steps 1-10 and waltz through a neat little structure of dating rules, and find yourself in love. But you can cling whole heartedly to truth and fight for what you desire most.

My inbox is yet again full of girls and women who are asking me for relationship advice, and wrestling through some of the most both painful and apathy-ridden scenarios I could stage for you. And every single time I feel under-equipped and hypocritical in all of my answers.

But, in my mind, the years of confusion, frustration, high highs and low lows that I went through happened in order to put truth and empathy in my heart and hands. And I'll be damned if I waste all that pain and exasperation.

So, here goes.

1. Stop telling me that there are no good men left. What you're really saying is, "I know he's out there, but I can't find him, and I'm tired of being lonely." And about half of you are using that as a free pass to being less of the woman you could be, because you don't have a good man in your life. I know you're doing this because I've done it too. Stop saying this, and you'll find him. There are exceptions to everything, but it's much easier to find a good man when you're not swearing against them all.

2. You don't have to choose between What You Want and What You Need. If you are dating who you want but not who you need, you've either bought into the no-strings-attached ticking time bomb, or you've traded what you're worth for immediate satisfaction. And if you are dating who you need but not what you want, chances are you don't actually know what you need. Because what you need is a man who is everything you need AND want.

3. Give it back to God. I've always hated when people told me this. For me, giving a relationship to God always meant breaking up with a guy. Usually, this is an easy way for someone in the church to guilt you into singleness solely to get you to put a stop to the "ultimate sin": having sex. Or it's an easy way for someone to pat a desperate single woman on the head and say, "Well, God just has to fix a few things first in your life before he can bring you the perfect man." No. What I mean is that your future marriage will fail and fail hard if you don't put it in God's hands, so you're much better off learning how to keep your heart and someone else's in God's hand while you're still dating. Or still single. This isn't about changing things, it's about deciding to want what God wants and believing with your body, mind and soul that what he wants is good. The exact kind of good that you want more than anything else in the world. Your God is pro-relationship. He wants that for you.

5. Everyone is allowed a no-strings-attached period of time. No. This is a lie. And it will wreck you. I would have given a limb for someone to walk up to me on the street at a very specific point in my life and just say, "no strings attached is a lie." Sex can either build or destroy - and it will do one or the other, not both. If you are sleeping with a man who is everything you want but not everything you need - or the other way around - get out. You're destroying yourself from the inside out. No more justification, logic, thought, giving-it-more time, excuses, or trying-to-work-it-out. Close your eyes and rip off the band-aid. Today.

6. You're single because God is still fixing you. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you're single because the timing just isn't right. For him, or for you, or for one of any 238520 possible life variables. I dislike this statement because it implies that you are more broken than you should be. And if you're on year three, seven, or ten of being single, this is devastating to believe. I've noticed that it begins to create brokenness that isn't actually there, "because it must be." The truth is that everyone is broken. And you don't need "fixing." You just need God, and the life he's already got planned for you. And God has a life-altering, fireworks-on-display, crazy-love plan for you -- which will come precisely when he wants it to.

7. I can save him. (Or I can fix him. Or he'll change.) Thanks to Max, I can end this entire discussion with his words on the subject: "You must run at the same pace. Otherwise, you will either slow the other down, or be slowed down." Life is too short. Date someone who is running at the same pace as you, or it will end up being very detrimental to someone's life. Also, don't pardon stuff like this. Yes, people can change, but you don't want to be the one responsible for making it happen. Plus, I'm a woman, and I really just don't feel like training a man. Not my job.

8. If he's not crazy about you, it's not going to work. I'm not married, and you could probably find some sub-par, dispassionate men that will get you 30 years of commitment and a wedding band, but after reading dozens and dozens of submissions to the Good Women Project, and investing some serious time speaking with married women this year, I'm pretty confident in my statement. My previous relationships back this up statement up too. Besides, when it comes down to it, do you really have what you want right now? Date a man who is crazy about you. Puh-lease.

9. If you don't respect him, it's not going to work. That's it. If you don't brag about him, respect the decisions he's making, love the man he is, and trust the way he sees the world, you'll end up with a mess of problems that will raise up a mess of pain.

10. Make it God's problem. Stop thinking about how to make it work, or how to find the man you want to marry. Tell God it's his responsibility, and be done with it. Every single time I tried to figure out how I would find the right guy within my parameters of my environment, combined with the statistics of good men left that worked against me, I would immediately become overwhelmed, give up, and start making bad decisions. But when I removed myself from my daily life and reminded myself that God will give me an incredible man, I could live, breathe & move again. Make the mental decision to trust God stubbornly for this. And live it out.

- - -

Are you following me on Twitter? Do it here: @laurenlankford

Be a fan on Facebook. It's the best way to keep up. Do that here.

When Christianity Says You Aren't Enough + Update On The Trip

2011-04-25T01:03:00.005-04:00

"I thought the world was diseased, and that I could save it by living, breathing, and dying in a vacuum called The Righteous & Holy Life. That the rebellious would see how good and clean and white I was, and would press their faces against the glass, crying out to God that they too wanted to be saved. So that they might live, breathe, and die in this sub-world, utterly void of sin.

They were destined for hell. Sons of liars, thieves, and all things wicked and perverse.

Not to be touched."

Read the rest of my post on DeeperStory.com today >>>

Max & I are in Richmond, VA at the moment -- we've spent the last couple of weeks in Harrisburg, Philadelphia, West Chester, DC & (I think?) we are headed to Raleigh, NC this evening!

Cities coming up: Greensboro, Charlotte, Columbia, Charleston, Savannah, Atlanta, & anywhere in between! We would love to meet you, or crash on your sofa! Or you know, both.

I'm still updating See The Cities with our photos! Also, you should read Max's post, "If We Reach The Cities, We Will Reach The Nations.

- - -

Are you following me on Twitter? Do it here: @laurenlankford

Be a fan on Facebook. It's the best way to keep up. Do that here.

Creating A Life That Allows For The Daily Good

2011-04-18T20:30:00.013-04:00

Note: I am traveling the country with Max Dubinsky. You can read his blog here, and you can follow my photos documenting the trip at seethecities.tumblr.com. If I've met you on the trip: hello, and welcome to the blog. Thank you for what you have taught me and how you have loved me.

- - -

It's been hard to write lately.

I am seeing so much.

I am being called out daily on how poorly I've been living my life. On my priorities. On what I've both chosen to ignore and have accidentally not seen.

Studying what it means to be created by God, created in Jesus to do "good works," which God prepared in advance for us to do. (Ephesians 2:10)

Finding I've sacrificed my daily "living well" for a one-day "live the best."

Observing others' lives silently, from city to city, confronted with the sharp contrast between those living for others and those living for themselves.

They speak differently, they listen to you differently. They ask different questions.

I found Jesus today in a couple of young men and women who never mentioned any ultimate life plans - who barely talked to me about jobs and college and family and church and money.

They just woke up in the morning, like every other morning -- quietly braced to help victims of crime learn to speak the language so they can hold a minimum wage job, and help single mothers correct the mistakes the government made in assigning their food stamps so their children can eat.

I sat on the floor of a nearly empty building, sorting through stained children's clothing - because stained is better than none on the streets.

I caught myself half-praying for the little boy who would end up wearing size 5T jeans with holes in the knees, half asking myself when was the last time I did anything this real. This simple. This wholly good.

Good works.

Submerged in the fight against legalism in the middle upper-class white suburban church, I have come down hard against "good works."

Because it is by grace we have been saved. And I have had my fill of being broken and watching brokenness caused by a never-satisfied list of requirements for a faux-salvation.

No one is asking you to do good works - to be perfection - to be good enough for God.

Because Jesus says, "The work of God is this: to believe in the one He has sent." (John 6:29)

To believe is enough for you. For Him.

But it's true. We do take it and leave it at this. We accept and struggle and wrestle through this salvation, and fight hard to keep Jesus at the center of our life. In our church, our family, our school work, our career choices, the $30 we give to sponsor a child every month.

But now, this isn't enough. It's not enough for me. Because that isn't daily Jesus. If I'm being perfectly honest with myself, I haven't been living the way Jesus has asked me to live. I've merely dropped Jesus into my life, and asked him to stay there.

I've taken him nowhere with me. I've done very little simple, wholly good.

What are you doing with your life? How are you living?

Are you doing what God created you to do? He created you for something.

For something simple, but so powerful it will change humanity.

And slowly but surely change the way the world sees Christians. Followers of Jesus.

Daily love. Daily giving. Daily other-focus. Daily community. Daily God. Daily broken you.

Daily anything that says to another human being, "I was created to do this: to love you."

That is what we were created for.

That is what comes first, not second. What we build the rest of our life around, not what we fit into the gaps.

Doing good isn't not-doing-bad. It's doing good.

- - -

Are you following me on Twitter? Do it here: @laurenlankford

Be a fan on Facebook. It's the best way to keep up. Do that here.

Pittsburgh.

2011-04-15T10:09:00.004-04:00

Right now we are in Harrisburg, and headed to Philadelphia today -- and DC next. Let me know if you are there. ♥

New Photography, Calling All Cool Moms, Pittsburgh & Ephesians.

2011-04-11T16:22:00.007-04:00

The past couple days I've been near Youngstown, Ohio, visiting the boyfriend's family. I got some awesome pictures of Julie & the kiddos, and Max's feet. I also just re-designed Julie's blog, Calling All Cool Moms (!!!!), which you should definitely check out. That woman is hilarious. And super hot. You can follow her on twitter too, at @juliannegulu.

Tomorrow we are headed to Pittsburgh and I am SO excited to see Laura (SecretAgentL) and find out whatever God is doing there. If you're in Pittsburgh, let me know!

If you want to change your life, decide to read the book of Ephesians every day for 7 days. The whole thing. There are only 5 or 6 chapters, and every time I've done this, my life has turned upside down. We forget so easily what following Jesus is supposed to look like, and how simple our faith is -- Ephesians is an incredible reminder of this. Seriously, please do it. And if you do, leave me a comment or email me to let me know. And tell me what changed for you. I'd love to hear.

- - -

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were useless and in the dark — it is by grace you have been saved. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that you cannot say, "I have done this on my own." - Ephesians 2

Life Update: Quitting My 9-5, New Boyfriend, Blog Design, Life On The Road & Your New Pornography

2011-04-06T00:36:00.019-04:00

I realize that less than 2 weeks ago I posted a Life Update post...however it is time for another one! Because SO MUCH IS HAPPENING.

1. I quit my 9-5 job! Yep. Last week. I am now freelancing full-time. I'm SO excited to start selling prints, art, & jewelry again. And to be able to really invest in photography, as well as design & writing. And all the other incredible things God has up his sleeve! I hope to be putting my shop back online in about a month...which brings me to point #2 (and all the rest, really)!

2. Boyfriend! In case you haven't picked it up from our painfully obvious tweets yet, @maxdubinsky is my man. He's the one I wrote A Good Woman's Guide to the 21st Century with a bit ago. If you follow his blog you know that he's roadtripping indefinitely across the country. I've joined him for the moment, and am writing this to you from Chicago! God is already doing amazing things. I love Him. And Max. And I KNOW you girls all want pictures so here he is. Go ahead, tell me how good looking he is.

3. Adjustments. Being not-at-my-house, quitting a job, doing some major personal upheaval, & dating a homeless writer has thrown my normal routine into somewhat of a haphazard mess. Hence the spotty tweets, blogs, writing, slowing down a lot on photography and the Good Women Project over the last 2 weeks. Please consider this my apology and a request for some grace in my adjusting to the new lifestyle & getting all of my crazy ducks in a row.

4. Blog Design. Yep I'm officially doing it. And here's the deal. In a couple of weeks, I'll be rolling out a standard set of pricing packages for blog design. BUT until then, you can name your own price! Yep that's right. I can do Blogger & Wordpress. Want me to re-design your blog? Do this: Send an email to laurennicolelove[at]gmail.com and include 1) a link to your blog 2) what you're willing to pay and 3) a set of photos/things that you love, so I can get a feel for what you want your blog to reflect. That's it! We'll negotiate and we will make it happen. (Note: If you have already emailed me, please email me AGAIN with your quote/inspiration folder. Sorry, and thank you so much!)

5. Your New Pornography. Max is launching a fiction project today! I designed the site (if you want proof that I can actually do what I'm selling - ha) and you should go poke around a little bit and read some awesomeness.

6. On the road. Max and I are in Chicago right now, and headed to the East Coast. Are you there? Leave me a comment or send me an email if you want to grab coffee, book a photography session, or want to invite us to your church! We also love to crash on sofas. And beds. :) Max has been speaking at colleges and churches along the way and it's amazing, so if you want him to speak for your group/org/church....let us know. We want to meet you. If you want to support the trip (gas money and food YAY), or read about it some more, you can check it out at MADAcrossAmerica.com. ♥

7. This is unimportant and silly, but I've been sick for over a month now and have been to the doctor three times for this never ending cold/sinus infection/bronchitis/everything else - and it's getting really tiring, so if anyone would like to pray for my health, that would mean the world to me.

I honestly could write a massive blog post on all of these bullet points, but I desperately need to sleep. I love you all. Thank you for reading, listening, speaking, loving, everything.

- - - - -

But the LORD said to me, “Do not say, ‘I am too young.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the LORD. Then the LORD reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, “I have put my words in your mouth. See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant.” “Get yourself ready! Stand up and say to them whatever I command you. Do not be terrified by them, or I will terrify you before them. Today I have made you a fortified city, an iron pillar and a bronze wall to stand against the whole land—against the kings of Judah, its officials, its priests and the people of the land. They will fight against you but will not overcome you, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the LORD. - Jeremiah 1.

A progression.

2011-03-29T21:00:00.001-04:00

Life Update!

2011-03-25T10:22:00.006-04:00

1. This is what Columbus has felt like lately.

2. Starting April 1st, I will be offering blog design services, on both Blogger & Wordpress platforms. Shoot me an email (laurennicolelove[at]gmail.com) if you're interested!

3. I just re-designed my blog a bit & did some serious spring cleaning. If you're reading this in Reader or your feeds, come poke around. :)

4. I will be taking a 7 day vacation from life starting today, so I'll see you all in April!

5. Want reading material in the meantime? Read my post for Deeper Story, "Love Was The Plan", the Good Woman's Guide to the 21st Century, or the lessons I learned from last time I took a sabbatical. And follow me on Twitter. ♥

Love Was The Plan.

2011-03-24T00:08:00.017-04:00

"The nights when your bedroom feels miles deep and miles wide, as you tear through your mind trying to even remember what God felt like last time? What you wouldn’t give to simply walk next to Him.

The mornings you climb out of your shower, pulling your eyes from the mirror, hoping to slip your bathrobe over your skin before he sees you? What you wouldn’t give to not even know what shame felt like.

The afternoons he’s absent and you numb a piece of your heart, resentment leaving a thick, bitter coating over your desire for him? What you wouldn’t give to feel like you were created from a piece of bone near his heart, wildly adoring who you are together. "

Read the rest of my post on DeeperStory.com today >>>

Depression: A Stream of Consciousness. A Fight.

2011-03-23T14:14:00.015-04:00

note. i wrote this a year ago or so, in the middle of severe depression & a mess of everything else. i stumbled on it a month ago and it won't stop bouncing around my head and heart. so i'm putting it here. chew the meat, spit out the bones. its a live stream of consciousness, and i like watching my train of thought, and the conclusion i came to. as wrecked as it was. pardon the language. this is what the inside looks like sometimes. and some days i cannot believe i am no longer here.

Truth. What the hell is the truth. Those god awful moments you have when you remember your first middle and last name all at once and who you are and what your past is and who you’re supposed to be. When you can completely remove yourself from the person that slept with those guys, smoked that shit, drank that alcohol, cussed out that girl, didn’t get out of bed for three days, hated everyone and everything at once, genuinely wanted to give up, was numb and on fire at the exact same time. Those moments when that person isn’t you, and you wonder why on earth you ever did, said, or felt any of those things because really, you’re perfectly fine and have all the hope and potential and clarity in the world. What the fuck are those moments. What is real and what is truth and who is me and who is not. Everything is easy to overcome in those fleeting seconds. I don’t care. It doesn’t have to make sense. I don’t have to make sense. I don’t have to be consistent. I don’t report to anyone and who gives a shit if for every hour that I fall apart I can pour myself into making something beautiful. I can’t avoid extremes. Extremes are what make life LIFE. But no more mutually exclusive extremes. No more blacks or whites. Blacks AND whites. I can admit that I have crutches. I’m not okay, I won’t be okay, no one is ever okay. Not the point. Pills. Doctor appointments. Nights at the hospital. Caffeine. Sex regretted. Reputations ruined. Alcohol. The addiction to anything that won’t leave you in the silence. I’ll keep all of them and be fine, so long as they remain admittedly crutches and not what defines who I am or what I do. They are secondary to who I am and what I am DOING. What are we doing. Those crutches exist so that I can keep doing what I want. They don’t stop me from doing what I want. Blacks AND whites, not blacks or whites, remember? Beautiful, beautiful things. If I inspire others, I will die happy. So what if I define myself by what I create? I love it. Isn’t that the god damn point. Not defining myself by what I create has left me creating nothing because I’ve renounced what it means to me and instead picked up loneliness, hurt, abandonment, worthlessness, confusion, indecision, and in turn, these crutches. Get yourself together, self. Blacks AND whites. Ups AND downs. Move move move move move. Stop STOP trying to fit with reality. Go back to your alternate universe. You’ll function out of habit enough to make it through life, but get your mind out of this, here, now, because this, THIS, is all just shit. Think about beautiful things, make beautiful things, create stories, novels, wishes, dreams, hopes, make-believe. Be over dramatic if that’s what you want. Stop boring the entire world with trying to get your shit together enough to be normal. I can’t, I try, it makes it worse. I want to NOT FIGHT the tendency to be addicted and STOP TRYING to do ‘all things in moderation.’ Be addicted. Be consumed. Just CHOOSE THE RIGHT ADDICTION. Choose what is beautiful. Choose what is worth it.

Thankful.

2011-03-22T10:38:00.018-04:00

Hey everyone? I want to know what you are thankful for today.

I'm not going to waste words explaining why we should be more thankful, and what gratitude does to our hearts, and how easily we forget what we have when we are consumed with what we don't.

We know all this.

so go ahead, leave it in the comments. i want to know 7 things you are thankful for today.

Even if this is like pulling teeth.

And then, once you write them down in the comments, go write them on your heart. Hold onto them. Remind yourself of them. Give them the weight they deserve. Combat your dissatisfaction and discontentment and hurt with them.

I want to read so many comments that I am overwhelmed.

- - -

Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken,
let us be thankful. - Hebrews 12:28

Q & A with Lauren: How Do You Get Motivated?

2011-03-17T15:54:00.017-04:00

Hey everyone! So, I decided today that I wanted to start opening my email inbox to you guys. One of girls I've been talking with lately gave me a shout out on Twitter this week and confessed she was really struggling with something, and I told her to shoot me an email. She gave me permission to share our conversation with everyone, and I hope that maybe you can dig something out of it and apply it to your own life.

Do you have more answers or advice for her? Leave them in the comments!! W ant to ask me a question? Send an email to me at laurennicolelove[at]gmail.com & I'll do my best to answer. Much love.

Note: This email exchange is 100% unedited. Cut and pasted. It's long. If you only have a minute, please skip to the bottom and read the 21 point list that ended up being the crux of my answer to her!

Question, Part One: I've just been having a hard time getting motivated lately. There are so many things I want to do, but I don't ever do them because I am so un-motivated. I know that you have gone through some of these kinds of places in your life, and so I was wondering how you got out of that "pit" because you've accomplished so much!

My Answer: Hey love! Man, that's so hard. I know exactly what you're talking about. Being unmotivated takes several forms for me, actually. Sometimes it's just the general, "I just want to do NOTHING" and sometimes it's "I want to do all these things but I don't have the energy to, or I just don't want to ENOUGH." You know? So I think it helps to be able to pinpoint which of those it is. There's also when you catch yourself starting to believe that nothing you want to do is truly worth doing, so you just start letting things slip out of your hands because you say things to yourself like, "well other people are already doing this," or "other people can do this better so there's no point in me doing it," etc etc. I've definitely been in all of those places, countless times.

There are lots of things that I've done to try to help, and to push myself out of those spots. I am NOT a to-do list person, but sometimes if I make super cute ones, or really annoying ones, or cool ones, I catch myself wanting to check things off. I use teuxdeux.com a lot and I love it. Also, I am a big believer in setting goals for yourself. Weekly goals, monthly goals especially. Monthly goals are awesome because if you have a couple days when you just crap out and fall apart, you still have time to recover, and you can also break your monthly goals into smaller sub-goals that you do every week.

I have a lot more ideas and things to say about that, but first I guess I should probably ask you what are the things you want to be doing? What are you most passionate about? What are the things on your plate that you NEED to be doing, and are putting off? Spill them all. It always helps me to have someone look at my life on the table and say, "that's important, that's not. Stress about this, don't stress about that." I don't mind doing that for you at all. :)

Also, what does your daily look like? Work, school, family, friends? What are the things you are committed to?

Question, Part Two: I think the things I am most passionate about are my music, and animals. I ultimately want to glorify God using my music and be able to worship Him in that, and someday I would like to have an animal rescue. As of right now, what I NEED to be doing is, well, homework. That is something I always always always put off, even though I don't even have much of it. I also need to be finding a job. I am completely broke, and I haven't done well with actually applying at places to try and get a job. I am also stressed about needing to be in contact with my parents and grandparents more. I do a poor job of staying in touch with them while I'm at school. My fish's tank thing needs cleaned or he is going to die, but even when I'm not busy I never do it because I just don't feel like. This weekend, I am working on planning my birthday party, so I need to get that stuff done.

My days are usually pretty uneventful. Monday's are busiest for me, with class in the morning and at night and then our floor does "Girls' Night". I also have a morning and evening class on Tuesdays, and then the rest of my week, I only have one class a day. I have an hour of counseling on Wednesdays, but that is pretty much it. I don't work right now (as you have probably guessed), so I pretty much just sit at home on my computer not doing homework. Ha. It's a daily battle of dealing with roommates/friends also. There have been a lot of issues with some of my closest friends, so it's really hard for me to just sit here, but I never really have anything to do. And I never really want to do anything but just sit here or sleep. I'm not really that busy, I just don't want to do anything.

My Answer, Part Two: Ah, okay. I have a better feel for where you're coming from now. Here are some sporadic thoughts & truths that I've come to realize over the past several years. I hope this helps. Give me your thoughts on them!!

1. always remember what you want, and what you hope to be. that will be what drives you, don't ever lose it.

2. never beat yourself up for stopping, resting, failing, or not accomplishing as much. you're human. accept it.

3. understand that everyone you look up to fails, and fails hard. everyone ahead of you has been exactly where you are.

4. be painfully aware of what kinds of things you procrastinate against. dig and press into WHY you don't want to do them. you'll learn a lot about yourself here.

5. figure out which things you are truly obligated to and which you obligate yourself to out of guilt. get rid of those second things. clean up your life. IE: that fish tank causing you stress? get rid of the fish. seriously. get rid of it. having a fish does not make you a better person.

6. learn what time of day you are most mentally & emotionally driven to accomplish/resolve/tie up loose ends. clear out that time of day if at all possible so you can act immediately.

7. get it all out. sit down with a huge piece of paper and draw out your life. venn diagrams, lists, maps, circles, pictures, anything and everything. this is step one to getting the clutter and "overwhelmed" feeling out of your mind. it's hard to move forward before you do this.

8. when there are worthless things (i.e. homework) that you have to do, don't think of them as what they are, think of them as character building. tackle them & tackle them hard. you'll find that it's mostly a mental obstacle, and they'll get easier.

9. let go of emotional stress with family members. it's better to love them fully in sporadic bits, than half-ass it all the time and never feel like you give enough of yourself.

9, part b. set times. instead of 'oh man i'm such a bad daughter' for five solid emotion-wrecking minutes, call them and say, 'HI MOM i only have 5 minutes just wanted to say i love you!" and get off the phone in 4 minutes and 59 seconds.

10. ask god for a job. admit that it's hard for you to work on finding one, and let him tell you exactly how to go about doing it.

11. get visual inspiration. find out what motivates you and inspires you and makes you wish you were better, and SATURATE yourself in it.

12. stick notes, pictures, beautiful things on your walls. this will help push you to move forwards towards more of it.

13. realize that sometimes our bodies need a push to act. drink coffee, do something physical, get in the sun if possible. personally, coffee is responsible for 98% of my productivity.

14. ask for help. every time you start to feel guilty for not being motivated, ask god for help. he loves you, and he. will. help. realize that everyone took help to get to where they are.

15. pay close attention to the music you listen to. get rid of emotionally draining/down beat music for a week and listen to music with pushed drum beats and energy.

16. goals. make them. write down 5 big things you want to accomplish in april. write down 2 minor things you want to accomplish every week in april. and pick certain hours & days to work on each goal.

17. to do lists. use teuxdeux.com, or make physical to do lists and hang them on your bedroom wall. keep a little booklet of things to do, ideas, inspiration, thoughts, plans in your back pocket.

18. document your progress. tackle things one at a time. want to make progress in music? realize that you're building a resume, and document your life in the world of music. write down everything you played that day. blog what you wrote. talk to yourself and to the internet about what you listened to today that added talent to your internal repertoire and understanding of music theory, structure, skill, feel, agility, and experience. hate that you can't remember the circle of fifths, the correct fingering for two-octave scales, or how to play augmented scales or transpose songs written in minor keys? write those things down, and tackle one every week. too often we make progress and don't see it because we aren't documenting it.

19. talk to people who motivate you. want to get up and do something, but realize you won't on your own? have a person that will give you a 30 second pep talk on the phone or gchat and push you just hard enough to actually MAKE you start.

20. get organized. you don't have to spend a week cleaning your living space from floor to ceiling, but it's worth blocking off a solid 2 hours to organize the hell out of your desk and throw away things you don't need. they've done extensive studies on kids showing that their emotional and intellectual clarity reflects the organization and cleanliness of the space they are in. suck it up and do it.

21. be patient. give yourself grace, and know that when you move slowly it is okay. it's a balance, and moving slowly means you've got half of it down, and just have to work on the other half.

Also, reading this might help you! I wrote it awhile ago: + Life Lessons: What I Learned In The First 22 Years +

LOVE.

- - -

Are you following me on Twitter? Do it here: @laurenlankford

Be a fan on Facebook. It's the best way to keep up. Do that here.

Car Accidents and Playing It Safe.

2011-03-16T10:49:00.011-04:00

Last night, driving home in the dark, my mind blanked from the phone conversation I was having as I noticed a car's headlights do a complete U-turn in the middle of the eight lane highway. What in the world, you can't just do that, you're going to get hit. Cars were sliding off the entrance ramp on my right, to the shoulder with their hazards on. I strained to make out dark shapes yards ahead of me, wondering why there would be mis-matching headlights and tail lights on both my side of the highway and the other.

A blanket of glass and debris suddenly appeared in front of me, washed across every single lane, as well as three obliterated vehicles spun backwards and facing me. And even more cars on the other side. Oh, that's why. I tried to explain what I was seeing on the phone and ended it quickly, as soon as I realized I had to figure out how to come to a complete stop, back up, and cross a few lanes sideways before dozens of other cars behind me slammed into both myself and the wreck. In the dark.

I normally do 80mph right here, and now I'm doing -12. It's always an odd feeling, coming to a complete stop in a place that is never still.

I debated with myself for all of four seconds. I could keep going. I could. I probably should. Or I could park half on concrete, half on mud, and make my way through four lanes of the outerbelt in the complete dark with no guarantee of not being hit, and make sure the drivers of these crushed vehicles were alright.

Not like I could do anything if they weren't. But God smacked me in the face. Lauren, you do what I tell you. You stop. And you go. And you Be. And you pray.

The only thing more strange than driving backwards on the highway is running across it, glass crunching under your boots, as you try to explain to yourself the eerie silence and stillness of half a dozen men on the other side of the concrete wall, while a woman wrestles her body against a car seat, a twisted frame, a door that no longer exists, and an airbag, looking like someone tossed a bucket of blood at her face.

There are two cries I cannot bear. An infant who cries not to be heard but because he is alone, and a woman in pain who doesn't know who will come for her.

Keeping one eye on the oncoming cars and one eye on the SUV I was making my way to, I tried to piece together the hysterical screams of another woman standing on the side of the road. God, woman, stop waving your cell phone and arms and mixed up words. Unless you're the one with metal digging into your flesh, you shouldn't be the one screaming in a crisis situation. Rule number one in dealing with trauma. Do not do anything that induces more panic.

Shouting towards the men standing against the concrete divider, I made no attempt to hide the frustration in my voice. "Get over here. Why are you not helping her. COME ON. We have to move her!"

A car's brakes screamed as it flew through the middle of the accident, trying to slow down as the glass ground into his tires - the driver obviously not seeing the vehicles in enough time to stop and maneuver around.

Dear God, some car is going to plow right into this woman and end her life.

The men glanced back and forth, first at me, and then at the woman on the opposite side of the road, still screaming directions and telling everyone to "get the fuck back in all your god damn cars!" Half of them chose to listen to her, the other half to me.

Another car slid sideways as it stopped just in time, avoiding the whole mess of us.

With half the men finally at the SUV, doing their best to calm the blood soaked woman, I ran back across a few lanes to the screamer. Half because she was really pissing me off, and half because I wanted to make sure I wasn't missing something important.

"Hey, calm down. Seriously please stop screaming. It's going to be fine."

Another car flew through the middle of two of the backwards vehicles, missing one of the men by less than two feet. Okay. Maybe it's going to be fine.

"THEY HAVE TO MOVE. THEY ARE GOING TO GET HIT. NO ONE CAN SEE THEM. THEY'RE GONNA GET HIT."

"I know, ma'am, but that's why they're trying to get to her. They're out there helping her because if she doesn't get moved, she's going to get broadsided by a car and die instantly."

"THEY NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE ROAD THIS IS NOT THEIR JOB."

"I understand. And what they're doing is dangerous but we're more concerned with her right now. We don't know if she's alright."

"OH MY GOD WHY IS NO ONE LISTENING TO ME. THIS IS NOT THEIR JOB. YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO ENTER THE SCENE OF AN ACCIDENT. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO LEAVE IT."

I gritted my teeth as I realized how many times I'd heard this in my life.

In a mess of words I lost my patience and explained to her that she should just stay on the side of the road where she wouldn't get hit, for the love of God stop screaming, and to let the men make sure the other woman was okay; that I wasn't willing to stand there on the side of the road and watch her die in front of my eyes because it was too dangerous, too unsafe, or not my job.

Unzipping her jacket, she just about punched herself in the chest as she pointed out the EMT emblem stamped into her t-shirt, and stepped up to my face.

"LISTEN TO ME, BITCH. I AM A GOD DAMN EMT AND THAT WOMAN SHOULD NOT BE TOUCHED. THIS IS NOT YOUR FUCKING JOB TO TELL ANYONE WHAT TO DO IN AN ACCIDENT. EVERYONE NEEDS TO GET THEMSELVES OUT OF THE WAY."

Wow. Alright. So we have an EMT at the scene. I caught myself getting angry as I realized she was the first person who should have been putting her life at risk - not us - to make sure this woman didn't need CPR, a tourniquet, or glass pulled out of her face. And instead, I'm the one doing it. Trying, anyway.

I should say something right here. Generally speaking, if you scream, "listen to me, bitch" in my face, I'm most likely going to do exactly the opposite of whatever it is you suggest. I'm human. And I really just don't do well with people commanding me to do things while yelling. Sorry.

I should also say that this woman had a damn good point. I realize that as an EMT, she's been trained day in and day out to get as many civilians out of harm's way as possible, and knows the risk involved with trying to move someone who most likely has a spinal cord injury.

But I also know that in that moment, I would have risked my life to stand in the middle of a freeway, in the dark, to simply pray over a woman whose life will never again be the same.

To sacrifice my safety in order to comfort a woman who never again will be that terrified, in the center of death's grip, to fight in her behalf in front of the throne of a God whose hand could stop a wave of armored artillery headed right for us.

How many times, as Christians, have we left someone paralyzed in the middle of the road, because it's too dangerous for us?

How many times, as righteous people, have we abandoned someone blinded by blood and tears, because what made the most sense was to keep ourselves safe?

How many times, as good men and women, have we tended to "our jobs," safe on the side of the road, while we wait for God to show up?

How many times, have we been qualified EMTs, trained for hours on the proper way to handle an injury within the Church, only to have it translate to walking away from a woman sobbing, screaming, crying, and begging for help?

This is what bothered me. What shook me up the most.

That we are trained to be safe, to let someone else get their hands dirty in the blood and the wreck, to be content with abandoning someone on the brink of emotional or spiritual death, simply because there is someone else who could handle it better.

That crazy, screaming, panicking EMT? She was probably right. We could have paralyzed her by moving her - and thankfully the medics showed up while the men were still getting to her through metal and glass.

And sometimes you need to step back, trust God, and let someone else do their job, because they can do it exponentially better than you.

But that never, ever pardons you from slamming on your brakes, putting your life on hold, and falling to your knees to put someone's heart, body, and salvation into the hands of the God of the Universe. That never pardons you from putting yourself directly in harm's way to come alongside someone and to provide comfort, love, peace - and whatever you've been gifted with for exactly those moments.

I will never know what happened to that woman. If she lived, if she died, if she's still in critical condition at the hospital. And that's okay.

What I do want to know, however, is how different the outcome would have been, had an army of men and women had gotten out of their cars, knelt on the wet pavement with gravel digging into their skin, and cried out to God in her behalf.

I would give anything to see that.

Redefining Trust: Who Has Your Heart?

2011-03-14T15:53:00.011-04:00

I've noticed lately that our society is somewhat obsessed with talking about trust.

Every horoscope, every personality test, every 50-trillion-questions-about-yourself-survey tries to define you by your predisposition to either trust or not to trust.

Unfortunately for me, I'm evenly split on every personality test I've ever taken. I'm loud, I'm quiet. I'll spill my life in a flood of everything you didn't want to know about me, and I'll sit in the corner dreading having to speak more than 10 words. I can go two weeks without cleaning anything, and I can be an emotional and mental web of chaos because there are three pens too many on my desk.

There was a personality test I had to take in high school, the DISC test. My result? 25/25/25/25. Very funny, God. Oh well, I guess you can consider my DISC to be well-rounded. (The guy who made us take this test didn't find that joke very humorous, by the way. He told me with a very concerned expression on his face that I was a highly unusual person. No shit.)

"Do you trust people?" Come on. What kind of question is that.

I've realized that I'm one of those people who spills easily, but won't expect anyone to mop it up.

I will give everything, and count on nothing.

I'll show you the inside, outside, and wrong side of my heart, but won't commit you to it's care.

This is where everyone has looked at me and said, "you're the most trusting person I know." And I have to say back, "Yeah? Alright. If you say so."

But this has never sat right with me. I still feel like I trust everyone, yet no one, and I want to know why.

I love dictionaries. So today, I asked the dictionary what trust (and entrust) is:

Trust: Reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety of a person or thing. Confident expectation of something; hope. The obligation or responsibility imposed on a person in whom confidence or authority is placed.

Entrust: To charge or invest with something of value. To commit something to the care to, for use or performance.

Reliance on strength. Hey women, whose strength are you relying on?

Confident expectation. Hey men, who are you confident in?

To commit to the care of. Hey you, who have you committed your heart to the care of?

Trust, I am learning, is not character trait. It's not a checkbox on your personality test. And it's not a passive state of being.

Trust is an active decision. An active risk.

Maybe this is why putting trust on a survey doesn't work. Because when you rely on something, when you entrust someone else with your own heart, there are two parties involved. Trust is something that cannot be defined on your own terms. When you choose to trust, you choose to be at the mercy of the strength, integrity, and surety of the other.

I am fighting with myself just writing this. But I want to be a trusting person. I want to trust everyone. Why do I want that?

I'm going to say it's because I am part of a generation that has been raised to consume, consume, consume. We accept everything, believe everything, listen to everything, watch everything, and welcome everything.

Our greatest fear is that we might offend someone.

Both of these things, the overwhelming desire to soak up everything and to welcome the entire world into your heart, give us a knee jerk reaction to the idea of protecting your core and being slow to trust.

We accept everything, forgetting to passionately believe only a few things. We grab for everything, forgetting to cling desperately to only a few things.

I am learning that refusing to build and protect my core just might be the death of me.

When you spill your guts and bleed your heart, it can be like opening a safe. And when that safe is open, anyone can reach in and grab what they want.

I challenge you to be selective in who gets the keys to your safe. I challenge you to be slow to entrust people with your heart. I challenge you to wait for the people who have integrity, strength, and surety that you can count on. That you can commit your heart to.

I don't want to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve. I don't want to stop sharing all my secrets with every girl who needs or wants to hear. I don't want to stop loving and loving deeply by way of my mistakes, my weaknesses, and hurts. I don't want to stop talking about the hard things.

The good news, though, is that we don't have to.

Because I have learned that God can take the safe your heart is in and turn it from steel to glass. So that everyone can see you, and your love, and your story. So that your heart is visible to everyone, and still displays honesty, vulnerability, humanity, and your need for God.

And we are called to do that. We are called to be a light, to sit on a hill.

But when it comes to trusting? Really, honestly entrusting your heart to the strength, integrity & surety of someone?

That you guard. For that, you are at peace with having higher standards for who gets the key. For being selective, to clinging to what is right and best.

For that, we are called to guard our hearts, for it is the wellspring of life.

Translated to common English: "Protect your heart, because the condition of your heart will determine the rest of your entire life."

Pictures from a Rainy Day & Stubbornly Holding To Blind Belief.

2011-03-09T20:12:00.019-05:00

It rained today. I'm tired of the rain, so very tired. But all things are pretty, and I have decided to see them as such. So I took pictures on my front porch.

Also, I realized today, yet again, that I'm only a child. But that I have the best Dad. And that when I revert back to the heart he originally placed in me, stripped bare of all questioning, fears, guilt, concerns, and a forever of et ceteras, life is a thousand times more beautiful. More thoughts on that below.

You know when you were a kid, and your dad told you that the tooth fairy only comes on Tuesday nights, that watermelons grow in your tummy if you eat a seed, and that the birthmark on your mom's leg was where she spilled her coffee, every morning?

You know all the things your dad told you about your family that you accepted without question?

You know when your dad said he was proud of you, and that took up 103% of your heart and brain space - so much so that you couldn't even comprehend caring about anything else in that moment?

You know when your dad told you that you did something wrong, and the whole world broke and stopped until you put the pieces back together exactly the way he wanted them to be?

You know when you heard the car pull up and the garage door open and everything fell out of your hands as you screamed, "DADDY'S HOME!" and ran to hug his leg?

You know when you asked a question and he said "it doesn't matter" and you didn't give it another thought, just because he didn't?

I want that with my Daddy. With my God. My Father.

I want to stubbornly cling to the most outrageous things with a blind belief simply because those words fell from His lips and there is no possible way that my Daddy is ever wrong.

I want to believe every single thing He tells me about my family - the one He's given me - because His truth is my new truth.

I want 103% of my mind and heart to be flooded when He says is proud of me, and to not be able to even fathom caring about what anyone else thinks.

I want to have my priorities in order so that when my Daddy tells me something is off, I throw my heart and my soul into having them exactly the way He wants them to be.

I want to scream to my Daddy and everyone else that He's home. MY HOME. Whenever I hear Him, see Him, feel Him.

And when I go to my Daddy with a painful question, and he says, "Don't worry about it, because I'm not." - I want to know with every cell of my body and every fiber of my heart that if He isn't worried about it, I don't need to be either.

- - -

And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 18:3

“See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven." Matthew 18:10

Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” Matthew 19:14

“I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children." Matthew 11:25

You are all children of the light and children of the day. We do not belong to the night or to the darkness. I Thessalonians 5:5

I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth. 3 John 1:4

Graceless Children.

2011-03-02T09:44:00.004-05:00

Sifting through old things, I found this. I originally wrote it in 2007. I wanted to share.

- - -

watch two young children at play. content with themselves, content with each other, content with their toys and the few simple requests of yours while they sit at your feet. but left to one another for even ten minutes, and one will find two small monsters, focusing all of their once-innocent energies on making sure the other follows the rules as his or her tiny, young ears heard and their naive hearts interpreted. any outsider can watch from behind the invisible glass and see for himself that their adamant demands do not stem from a concern founded in what the best action is for the wisps of souls that they are, or in what the principle behind a command is and was. no - it becomes a miniature world in which perspective, reasoning, and purpose -and most certainly grace- is lost. there is an obsession with proving the other little one that he heard wrong and it was only 30 minutes, not 35. watching darkened eyes and hearing words that should never fall from lips as untouched as theirs greatly frustrates the observer. a disbelief towards the ever-growing childish fury raises silent questions in the heart. 'where did the child with simplicity in his calm eyes disappear to?' 'what wordless force turned her tiny palm into a pathetic fist?' and, 'how are their worlds so small and trite, yet have the capacity for a seemingly instant hatred on the shallowest grounds?' the observer who is wiser still will probe further:'how do you teach a child perspective? purpose? a concern for the rule he was given, but not for forcing it upon the other?'

how do you give a child eyes for himself but only his heart for others?

there is another question has not yet been asked that could change the grip on the observer's heart from one of frustration, anger, disbelief and near-disgust to one of quiet understanding and a compassion that washes over a fistful of sins.

'what if they never grow out of this? what if none of us have?'

yes, observer, who is so wise beyond so many years - years that taught you nothing but better ways to disguise your obsession for ruling your playmate with the rules that "are right." years that taught you to replace your adamant squeals and tiny punches with smooth, reasoned, biting and life-murdering remarks. yes, observer, who is so understanding and gifted enough to view the world through experienced eyes - eyes that still insist on seeing only your foggy list of standards you thought you heard the Man speak before he left the room. the ones that you've repeated to yourself over and over and written down constantly for fear that - god forbid - the others didn't hear the gentle commands. your age has taught you to fight in your own way, one much more accepted. - no, not fight, for your rulebook cries out against such behavior. but perhaps justified by your motive. what motive? yes, i ask, what motive? but i remind you, there is yet another observer - one observing you. one who already embraces a compassion that has covered your fistfuls of sins daily. one who spoke out of love, and you, in your short-sighted self-righteousness, changed it to condemnation.

you see now, that was never the objective.

he only wanted you to play gently with the young heart sitting next to you - who has already heard his own quiet whisperings of how to please his father.

- - -

"...and i will write it on their hearts. i will be their father, and they will be my children. no longer will one teach another, or a man his brother, saying 'this is how to know the lord,' because they will each know me, from the very least to the greatest.' declares the lord. 'for i will forgive every action whether it be against me or not, regardless of it's motive, and i will forget every one of their sins.' - jeremiah 31.33

'oh chosen, chosen people, you who take the life that i offer to those i have sent you and throw rocks like children at my own, how often i have longed to gather all your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her motherly wings, but you have not been willing. look, and see how this has left your house as one that is desolate.' - matthew 23.36

The Gender Role Fight: Where Are You Looking For Truth?

2011-02-27T03:07:00.004-05:00

It's 1:07am on a Saturday (Sunday?) and I'm upset. Again.

I write a lot of blog posts when I'm upset; maybe I should, maybe I shouldn't. Whatever.

(However, I am drinking coffee for the first time in 7 days, so I'm actually ecstatic-upset. Is that a real state of emotion?)

Lots of you know I started the Good Women Project recently, and have launched myself into a world where the dirtiest of secrets find their way into my inbox, I am bombarded with links to Men Are From Some Other Planet & Women Should Rule Everything To Make Up For The Last Eighteen Thousand Years articles, and can't go 24 hours without wrestling through a gender-related identity crisis in my own life.

I interact daily with women who hate men, women who hate women, women who love being women, women who hate being women, men who hate women, men who don't know if women should be women or if they should be men, men who wish women would be women, women who wish men would be women, and women who wish we were all just humans and the words men and women weren't in our vocabulary.

Men and women: You all are a trainwreck.

And it is breaking me.

The fight against gender roles has seared a deep brand into the flesh of this generation, and instead of healing, I'm watching it destroy.

The issue overwhelms me. Every part of it. Feminism, sexual orientation, civil rights, gender roles, marriage, glass ceilings, those stupid statistics on men making more money in the same position as their fellow female co-worker.

The ungodly number of research studies, statistics, polls, articles & books written on the topic makes me want to give up entirely. To say, "To hell with this. Everyone just shut up, and just BE."

Unfortunately, I can't say that. The topic is a loaded gun, and we're firing it every single day - aiming with good intentions and hitting all the wrong things.

The long and short of it is that hurt people hurt people. Yeah. Hurt people HURT people.

We must realize how and why we are hurt before we go around firing off missiles in the name of protecting people suffering from the same wounds we are.

I've been hurt in this area. Badly. Every one of us has skewed definitions of what it means to be what you are and what you aren't. We grew up with imperfect parents, in imperfect families, in an imperfect society.

And as always, we are the messed up product of nature & nurture until God himself restores our identity in Him.

Our hurt and dysfunction come from lies, both intentional and unintentional. Lies must be replaced with truth, and if you're going to go chasing truth, you'd better set some rules for where you go looking for it.

I have chosen to seek truth in the only place I know I can find it and never question it: God.

This can be extraordinarily hard, because of the church's history and way of handling the subject. Unfortunately, the majority of us have shied away from what God has to say because all we know of it is what Christians in our life have passed along. I ask you to throw it all out and fight to find the truth - the original, untouched by human hands truth.

I know that I am not responsible for fixing the world. I am only responsible for myself, my healing, my heart, my relationships, my career, and my life. This means that before I go around throwing opinions at people, I have to understand that I was born a female (whether I like it or not - thankfully, I do), and that it is my responsibility to become who I was created to be - regardless of how I was raised, what affected me, the churches I grew up in, and what my society tells me to be.

The woman I am and will become is between God and myself. The world that I live in has no claim on it.

I am ashamed to say that for all 23 years of my life, I've recoiled every time I've heard the phrase, "The Proverbs 31 Woman." I have a bitter, bitter taste left in my mouth from my own history. But, if I am going to submit my truth to the truth of God, then I need to do that wholeheartedly.

So, I sat down this evening to study Proverbs 31 inside and out. And to seek what God says of Woman; what the best of the best is called to look like. Who she is. What she is. What she does. How she lives. Why she's worth fighting to become.

Sometimes, I put things into plain English to help me understand the Bible better.* Here is what I ended up with:

A valuable woman who can find?
She is worth more than diamonds and gold.
Her man brags about her
and because of her, needs nothing else.
She fills his life with good things, not problems,
every day of their life.
She loves hunting for pretty things
And making beautiful things to sell online. (Yep, I said it.)
She's just like a small business,
earning a living around the world.
She pulls late nights
To make things for her family
and for her friends.
She finds things she is passionate about
and invests in them
paying for them out of her own earnings.
She works hard because she knows what she loves,
her arms are built for what she does.
She knows that what she invests her time in is worth it,
and her light stays on late into the night.
In her hands she grips the tools she needs,
she knows how to use them and how to create.
She throws open her doors to the poor
and gives freely to everyone that needs anything she has.
When life gets hard, she has no fear for her family
for she has made sure all of them are clothed well.
She decorates her home to reflect herself,
and dresses well.
Her man is respected in what he does,
everyone around him admires him.
She creates clothing, art - anything she loves
and sells it off.
She is strong and confident in her reputation,
she can laugh in the face of anything, fearing nothing.
She speaks wisdom and truth,
and can guide others well and easily.
She is aware of everything in her home,
and never suffers from laziness.
Her children stand up and tell others of who she is,
her man also - he sings her praises.
She knows that charm can have no foundation
and that some beauty does not last
but she fears the Lord, and she will be praised for it.
Give her the reward that she has so well earned
and let everything she does bring her praise wherever she goes.

Take this as you will. Read the NIV translation here.

Know that when you seek the truth of God, know that you must go directly to Him.

He knows your passions, your strengths, your talents and your dreams. He is a God of freedom, and will align your life with your heart if you allow Him. When God restores your identity in Him, it will never be a compromise.

And for the record, I see no restriction, no entrapment, no control, no fear, no discrimination, and no glass ceilings in Proverbs 31.

- - -

* Please do not take this as my altering the Bible for my own intentions; please read the original translation. This is merely an exercise I do on my own to help me see what I did not see before.

Beauty Secretttttttttttts.

2011-02-21T10:44:00.009-05:00

Hey girlies. This post is for you. :)

I asked a bit ago if you'd like to hear some of my beauty secrets, and the whole world flipped out and assumed that I had lots. I'm flattered.

But, unfortunately, I don't have a lot of secrets. I only have a few. And I'm about to have none, because in 10 minutes you will have read this and they won't be secrets anymore.

Also, I'm going to preface this by saying I am not a girl who spends an outrageous amount of money on cosmetics, hair product & skin care.

I lived this lifestyle briefly, and it broke both my bank and my heart. Why? I found out pretty quickly that the more I bought, the more time it took me to get ready in the morning. I also found that it sabotaged my definition of beauty, and how comfortable I was in my own skin. So, long story short, I decided it wasn't worth dropping a couple hundred a month in order to sleep less in the mornings and be more discontent with myself.

I also want to challenge you, women, to build your beauty routine around your desired lifestyle.

What on EARTH do I mean by that.

Here's what I mean. I can tell you right now that I look "better" with darker hair, and that for me, this means getting a full color every 8 weeks. This also means I have to use Schwarzkopf Bonacure Repair Rescue Shampoo (but NOT the corresponding conditioner, it's too heavy - have to pair it with Brocato Vibracolor Conditioner) because it is the ONLY shampoo in the entire world that can keep the dye from fading and pulling my natural red out in a strange way. No really, I even tried Moroccan Oil products and that didn't work.

Girls, that's well over a thousand dollars a year on just my hair - in one paragraph. And that doesn't even include at least four different kinds of product to keep stocked when I use heat (flat irons/curling irons) to "protect my hair." If that didn't bite, do some more math. Spend an hour in front of a mirror every morning Monday-Friday, and even if your time is only worth minimum wage, that adds another $1850 to the annual bill. Plus, I would argue that you are worth more than $7 an hour.

I know that I'm a bit unusual, but my lifestyle has GOT to allow me to spend only 10 minutes getting ready, and I can't be lugging a bag of beauty supplies every time I leave town for the weekend or have to get ready in the morning at a rest stop. I also know that I can't be spending that kind of money on something that's a massive inconvenience for me. It doesn't matter if you already have this lifestyle, or if this is the lifestyle you want to be able to live. Someone told me once to dress for the life I want, and I'll get it. Shallow? Maybe, but so damn true.

Knowing all of this, I stopped coloring my hair altogether, and I also decided to adjust to whatever the hell it is that my hair does on it's own every day. And to just leave it alone. I use Aveeno shampoo & conditioner, get out of the shower, half-blow dry my hair and go. That costs me $12 about every 2 or 3 months. Also? Don't wash your hair every day unless you absolutely have to. Everyone's hair is different, I know - but I wear my hair long both because I love it that way, and because I can go 4 or 5 months without getting a cut.

If I'm being perfectly honest, sometimes it sucks. I don't feel put together all the time, some days my hair just flat out drives me absolutely insane. I miss the amazingness that is $40 shampoo. But, then I remember that I can roll out of bed and be showered, dressed, and make-upped in 15 minutes - and that my close friends still think I'm beautiful. It's a difficult mental shift to decide to care only what they think, but it's one well worth it. Also, once you make it a month in, your skin starts breathing again and you find out it's better than you thought it was, and your hair becomes more healthy and helps fight the battle for you!

Alright. Secret time.

Skin:

Exfoliating: I used to use Origin's Modern Friction Dermabrasion. It's $37 for a small tube, and is the best you'll find, but you have to pair it with a ph balancer & lotion to not dry out your skin. Solution? Sea salt & olive oil. You can buy natural sea salt at the grocery store for less than $5, and the same with olive oil. Every couple days, pour some salt in your hand, mix it with olive oil, and scrub your face with it. Rinse, pat dry, and you'll freak out. The olive oil is a natural moisturizer, and you just bought about 6 months worth of skin care for $10.

Toner: Lemons. Lemons are amazing. If your skin is breaking out, or really dry, it's probably because your ph balance is off. Lemons naturally balance out your ph levels. Slice a piece of lemon and rub your face with it. It'll burn like hell the first couple times you do it, but hey, beauty is pain, right? And they're a lot cheaper than tiny bottles of Ph Balancing Toner.

Lotion: You know those bottles you pay like twenty bucks extra for because it has "real avocado oil" or "with all natural sesame seed oil extracts" about 25 ingredients down? Freaking just go by that AMAZING stuff and use it on it's own! Go to your local health food store and get either Avocado Oil or Sesame Seed Oil and use that as your lotion. It's incredible. It's gentle enough to use on your face if you need (you barely need any) and within 3 days of using it, you'll have people asking if you've been out in the sun and trying to figure out why you look so ALIVE. Oh, and it's also dirt cheap.

Face lift: Oh women you are about to adore me for this. Beat the hell out of some egg whites, and put them on your face! Yes! It's amazing for your skin and it's a 10 minute face lift. It strengthens, brightens and tightens your skin. For pretty much free.

Make-up:
Okay, this is where I spend money. I justify it with the previous paragraphs, and with the fact that I don't wear much makeup anyways. Most days it's just mascara & chapstick, but when I do...

Foundation: Foundation kills, please don't suffocate your face. Get MAC Studio Moisture Tint. It's $30 and lasts awhile - it covers/balances/protects/moisturizes without caking. It's great.

Mascara: MAC Opulash. Bad Gal sucks compared to Opulash, believe it or not. And MAC's Haute & Sexy is a nightmare. Just get Opulash.

Eyeliner: If you wear eyeliner a lot, go get MAC's Fluidline. You have to buy their brush for it too because it's potted gel, but holy crap it's incredible. And you can put it on as thick or thin as you want. It's also awesome for facepaint if you ever have ridiculous Halloween costumes like I do. You can spend money on it because it lasts FOREVER. I've been using it for six months & I'm not even halfway out.

Eye shadow: I don't really wear a lot of this, and I'll admit I'm not a pro. I really like MAC's four-palettes. I haven't had much luck with any department store brands because they don't last me throughout the day, or they smear. Suggestions? Let's hear 'em.

Blush/Bronzer: Easiest makeup category. I like Victoria's Secrets, but I've been using MAC's Powder Blush for awhile now and love it. Surprise, surprise.

Concealer: Okay if you listen to nothing else, just please go do this for me. If you ever use concealer, go buy MAC's Studio Finish SPF 35 Concealer. It's $16 and has also lasted me a year, and I'm not out yet. You can skip out on dropping the $$ on the mascara & eyeliner, but not this.

Note: Victoria's Secret Semi-Annual sale ROCKS for makeup. I pick up most of my lip gloss, fun eyeliner (like white sparkly stuff!), eye shadows, etc here. I can get all of those items for $2-5 dollars, so I don't feel bad experimenting.

Make-up Application Note: BIG SECRET. Color is color, you guys! Don't limit your application of a product to it's intended use. If your bronzer is too pink that day, mix it with your gold eye shadow and brush it on your cheeks. If you want softer eyeliner, mix it with your foundation on your hand, and apply THAT. Want some intense eyeshadow but don't want to buy it? Use your lipstick color and mix it with some foundation and anything else you've got. If you're gonna paint your face, have fun, and see everything as paint and your face as canvas.

Disclaimer: This is just based on experience, and my own personal research. Feel free to disagree with me. And pleeeeeeease do not take offense if you are able to spend some extra time in front of the mirror to get hot and gorgeous, or if you spoil yourself with great haircuts and colors. Trust me, I know how amazing it is - and you deserve it. I have periods of my life where I fall back into this, and it's 100% fine. I'm a firm believer in spoiling yourself when it's needed, and if this is your way of doing it, be sexy and be blessed. These are just thoughts/suggestions based on where I am in my life!

Good Woman's Guide to the 21st Century: MakeItMAD.com

2011-02-16T10:30:00.004-05:00

Hey everyone!

Today I am directing all of our readers over to Max Dubinsky's blog: MakeItMad.

Last summer, Max wrote A Gentleman's Guide to the 21st Century. For me, it was a massive slap in the face. I had forgotten that men like this were around. I knew that I'd started to settle & I'd already started working on that, but this reminded me that it was an all or nothing deal.

I was raised with high expectations for men, and in high school was blessed to be around extraordinarily good guys. No, seriously. I lived in a bubble that most of you will never experience. A bubble where all of my guy friends held the door open for us girls, took the lead at the dance parties we threw for every single one of our birthdays (and kept their hands in the right places), dropped all profanity when we were in the room, and never tried to 'get with us' unless they had a damn good date planned. I successfully made it through high school without ever having even kissed a guy.

Fast forward three or four years and I had been completely and entirely convinced that these guys were gone. I couldn't tell you how many guys I'd kissed. I'd have to ask you the definition of kissed if you asked that question. Did it mean making out, or did it include the intoxicated kisses around the room too? I remember sitting on the edge of my bed at one point and piecing this thought together: "I know what I'm worth. The man that deserves me does not exist. So, I'll just take what I want from him, and I won't feel guilty. I can't get what I need so I'll just take what I want. What feels good. For ME."

For the next year I acted on that thought. I had moments of sanity and of clarity, nights I "half cheated" because he was "real cheating," weeks I tried to do better, weeks I did much more damage than normal, and days I broke and knew this wasn't what it was supposed to look like.

Those years? Those years are over. They're done. Forever. For the last year, I've been in intense heart rehab. I've been surrounded by incredible women whose first question for me when I come to them a mess is, "Lauren. How's your heart?"

My breaking point was realizing that the two greatest lies I've ever believed are these:

That God is not good, and that no men are good.

If you believe just one of those two lies, it's enough to ruin you.

I decided to believe again that God is good. And that I will spend the rest of my life with a man that I WANT. That I've always wanted. Not a man that I'm settling for, because I've learned that there's "nothing better."

So. All this being said, I am honored to write a Good Women's Guide to the 21st Century with Max. Please take a moment and go read it.

He's helped me become better, and I'd like to think I'm helping him do the same. This is what it's supposed to look like. And I love it.

Hearts That Bleed, & Blind Faith : Today I Drowned In Love.

2011-02-11T12:51:00.014-05:00

Today, I drowned in love. Five years ago, I drowned for lack of it.

Five years ago, in my desperation for Love, I anchored my mind with the determined decision that I would never, ever leave God, and never, ever forsake him. Because He promised me that. And if He was going to promise me that, dammit, I would promise it back. I didn't love Him, not yet. But I was going to learn if it killed me.

How I came to this solution, out of all things, I have asked myself over and over. How I fell at God's feet instead of at the devil's? Well. Over the last five years I've found the answer:

We love because He first loved us. (1 John 4:19)

I knew, five years ago, that I didn't understand his love. That I didn't feel his love. That I didn't see it, I didn't understand it, I didn't trust it.

But in the moment my heart snapped in the dark, when something prompted me to crawl out of bed and kneel, with my face in my pillow, hands gripping my sheets, sobbing and lungs struggling for breath, at 17 years old, I also knew that he would be Everything to me.

I knew that this God that I didn't know would be my Everything. And I wanted to know Him.

When love steals our hearts, this is how it feels. This is what we know but cannot explain. We just know.

Paul says it is by grace we have been saved, through faith - and this not from ourselves - but that it is a gift from God.

Five years ago, I was given the gift of blind faith. I cannot and will not boast in it. It was given to me, and it is the greatest gift I have ever or will ever be given. I pray that I will be thankful for it until the day I see God face to face, and then for the rest of eternity.

Five years ago, my heart quite literally broke, as he removed my heart of stone and gave me a heart of flesh.

Do you know what is beautiful about hearts of flesh? They bleed.

Today, I drowned in a love that five years ago I did not know could exist. Because five years ago, I didn't know how much God loved me. I didn't know what God's love looked like. I didn't know that it was unconditional, and that I was treasured in the way that my heart burns and aches to be treasured. I was bitter. I was hurt. Scared. Withdrawn. I didn't trust. I could count on one hand how many 'friends' I had. And even then, they never saw my heart.

I had no idea how to love. I wanted him to teach me. I wanted to bleed.

Excuse me while I go find a baby pool filled with humility to sit in while I tell you how I got here. How God brought me here.

When I was given a heart that bled, I knew that I was being asked to do one of the hardest things a human can ever do. And I swore on my life that I would do it no matter what the cost or how hard it was or how much work I had to put into it:

To believe of God what He says He is, above all else.

To throw all else out, and to go ONLY to God to find who He is. To listen to what He says, above all others. To seek God on his terms, not mine, and not others. To believe that I am who HE SAYS I AM, above what all others say, and above what I believe.

This is not a feeling, not an emotion, not something that is "something we should probably do." This is a decision that we consciously make, and stand by and fight for and die for. Would you die to find this God? To understand his Love? To love Him?

Too often our understanding of God is defined by our father, by what we see in the Church, by what is reflected in our Christian friends. Oh children. Our fathers, our churches, and our friends are broken, broken people. They, and we, are what is saved, not what is Saving. And when you desperately need Saving, you go to the Savior first. First. FIRST. It is an insult to God - a slap in the face to the very Being who created you out of Grace - when you put their name tags on Him, and say, "This is who You are, because this is what I've seen."

When we choose to live in blind faith, we must put blinders on to everything but faith.

Yes, that is extreme. And yes there is so much value in wise counsel, in the church, in books, in friends. But when these things tell you of a God who is anything other than what God has told you, you put your blinders on. To everything but Him.

And I will stand by that statement until the day I die. Because God has said: "I will put my law in their minds and write it on their hearts. I will be their God, and they will be my people. No longer will a man teach his neighbor, or a man his brother, saying, ‘Know the Lord,’ because they will all know me, from the least of them to the greatest." (Jeremiah 31:33)

And. I. Believe. God.

If God has not yet told you who He is, you do not yet know.

If God has not yet told you how much he loves & adores you, you do not yet know.

When God is the one who tells you who He is, you will never forget it. And when He embraces you in a love that you cannot describe, you will be hard-pressed to doubt Him again.

This is what it means to be crazy in love with the God of the Universe. To live by faith, not by sight.

To drown in love.

Ice: A Short Story.

2011-02-09T23:14:00.003-05:00

Closer, just one step closer. Must. See. It. Children are the ones who don't know when to stop, I'll be fine. I won't fall. Lungs like a vacuum, breath stops. Ice burns into every inch of me. My mind just as frozen as the water that I'm now submerged in, and I grab at the camera body that is driving itself into the dip below my hip bone, wanting to save what I know is already ruined. I rise, the splash as surreal and silent to everyone else as it was to myself. Does cold water freeze vocal chords instantaneously? Inexplicably calm. In less than two seconds I've accepted defeat. I deserve this. Maybe it is a spirit of acceptance that silences us, not the cold. Fascinated with my inability to speak out and scream for help, the silent voice in my mind asked a thousand questions a second. Sometimes, I wonder if that's just what emotion is. Questions, statements, exclamations; all at once, too fast to understand and just fast enough to feel. I watch those I was with move in slow motion on the snow covered ice, realizing I've dragged their filming equipment down with me. How many thouands of dollars did I just destroy? I laugh at them, to myself, that they would have entrusted me with their most valuable possessions; things I can barely even make use of. Fools. My mind begins to darken and I know that I will sink because I’ll freeze, and that I’ll freeze because I refuse to scream; not because I can't swim.

40 minutes passes before they've found a woman who can find me at the bottom of the lake and save me. Ten times longer than one can survive without breathing. I am dead. They know this. I know this. Utterly lifeless, and unsure of my consciousness stemming from a heart still beating or from a perspective outside of myself. Something snaps and for a brief second I see a connection between soul and whatever this is that I am experiencing. She touches me, and the water is completely clear. I see everything. The world. Everything. I follow her underwater, with every intent of surfacing through the same skylight in the ice that she does. I watch it seal itself in a way that physics don't allow as soon as she slips through, and my entire body knows that no, her way out is not mine. I flip, easily, now breathing in the water like it is my oxygen. Second nature. Like a seal trapped beneath the ice, metal doors appear in every direction and begin sliding shut, from ice to floor, boxing me in. I race to escape. I could call for this woman again, I know this. But I find myself accepting defeat again. So easily. Condemnation and self-hatred is absent; this is merely a passive agreement of apathy. The last door slams shut against the base of the lake, echoing to my core. Panic and peace woven together in a way we don't experience above water. She appears yet again, to save me. Who is this woman? She slides a ring I cannot see on my finger, and slips invisible jewelry on my neck. I breathe. Again. Peace. Again. She lifts a door effortlessly and pulls me to the top. She does not speak to me in my native tongue, she speaks to me in Grace. And somehow, I understand this language. She offers to go back under, suffering pain upon pain to retrieve my camera. Even though we both know the water has made it useless. She understands my grief. Placing a worthless camera back into my hand moments later, Grace takes another form: action. And gives me not what I need but what I want. And stays by my side.

+ west. a bigger god. +

2011-02-08T23:34:00.011-05:00

sometimes i wonder if the sky determines how i view god. out west, i am in love with a bigger god. in the midwest, i fight to see him through the clouds, and am constantly limited in what i believe of love.

to me, this is reason enough to move.

to be in love again, with a bigger god.

ps. ten points to anyone who can guess which photo(s) is/are of me.

+ that's when love gets so dirty. +

2011-02-07T10:29:00.004-05:00

how did i become
a daughter you don’t have
a daughter you didn’t have
and a daughter you won’t get?

i know.
cause everyone wants an enemy
everyone wants a pretty memory
and everyone wants the best for themselves.

how did you manage
to make the imaginary thicker than reality
and how did righteousness
find it’s way into love

that’s when
that’s when love gets so dirty

+ only one stone. +

2011-02-06T22:25:00.004-05:00

I have so much to do before sleeping
I am sitting in a puddle
of little girl little love little do you remember
when you were too scared to move
the monsters in your mind
could almost beat out daddy by your side
tracing circles on the sheets and
invisible claws underneath
i'm so full of little girl little love oh so full
of nightmares and memories of hair bows and shadowed screams
bitter baby find the traces
of truer fantasies patterned with ties and laces
oh how your form softened
before you knew what they wanted
how your eyes sharpened and greyed
while he chiseled away her lossless faith
oh i'm so full
so very full

gripped, crystalized and
glassy eyes staring wide
she wouldn't know for years
her breath was frozen
and every element caught beneath the glass
trace slower, slower
the path tied up the forest in her heart
treading softer than she could
crushing crushing crushing
caught between every birthing cry
the path goes on forever
twisting
by speaking
by silence
killing two hearts with
only
one
stone.

+ Words, words, words. +

2011-02-04T16:46:00.005-05:00

I’m still getting caught in my mind. Too many things catch my eye and force themselves inward. I crave heat. Lines and corners close me down until I pick up eyeliner in a no-commitment attempt to find change. So scared, so safe; be ashamed. I can hear the bass. And I can hear silence. Distracted by skin, I live through women who have no reputations and borrowed bank accounts. Faux hawks, full sleeves, I almost had you. I trace the edges of serifs in my minds eye and am too scared to dig them into my skin. I can’t remember the last time I could breathe. I tried last week with a cigarette but the winter air slapped me across the cheek for thinking I could do such a thing here. I stain white things on accident and innocent things on purpose. You were my outlet. I make plans to rip open necklines in hopes of using my collarbones as reminders that the sun will come. I choose heavy boots to prove to my thin legs that I’m walking; walking is moving; moving is progressing; progressing is finding what I had, right? I’m fine, really. I just can’t live without extremes.

there’s something scratching at my heart
and
it’s bleeding to get out
and
i keep my hands behind my back
so that
it’s not my fault when it gets loose
but
i need you here to hold me down
so
i can sever all these roots
will you
silence all this lace that’s slowly
been
tearing at my face
because
i’m unsure of the violent nature
that
it’s showing signs of taking
and
i need a witness to my faith
that
i’m only changing shape
not
in the beginning stage of breaking

Grief, Lightning Storms, & A Broken Spirit.

2011-02-03T14:25:00.011-05:00

I hugged my knees and stared up as far as I could. I watched the lightning flash across the Arizona sky and the outline of palm trees trace themselves against faint mountains in the distance.

My throat constricted as I tried to get out the words, "Daddy. Where are you. Where."

It was around midnight, and this had become my habit over the last two weeks. I fought through the day with all the hope in the world, and as soon as everyone else was asleep, my chest began aching with an intensity I was learning to expect. I escaped outside every night to sit alone in the cul-de-sac and watch the lightning storms. And cry.

The skies were strange here. Ohio lightning meant storms, and bad ones. Phoenix lightning meant God was in the sky, playing games. Reminding me that he was here, and that he was the same God, with the same stars, that had been present with me in every state I'd lived in.

Two hours of crying, every night, for weeks. Two hours of lightning storms. Two hours of learning that God was my father, and finding that I loved him - not just needed him. Two hours of asking why. Two hours of replaying in my mind years of things I will never repeat to anyone. Two hours of learning that I was held in a hand that adored me and had plans I wasn't expecting. Two hours of grief. Two hours of asking for nothing but God. Two hours of letting go of everything I'd ever known. I broke, every single night. Again, and again, and again.

I miss those lightning storms. I have never experienced so much love in so much pain.

Part of me misses having a heart ripped open and emotions entirely out of my control. Part of me misses having nothing to my name. When you've lost everything, and are at the complete mercy of God, there is a strange safety you feel that you will find nowhere else.

When your greatest fear arrives, you learn that your spirit breaks; your heart breaks - and your body survives. But blessed are the poor in spirit, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to them. Matthew 5:3, I love your promise.

And when the kingdom of heaven belongs to you, perfect love begins to cast out fear.

Those lightning storms taught me to call God, "Abba Father." They taught me that he was Daddy. Not just God. They taught me that grief is a gift. They taught me how to leave everything behind and what it meant to actually believe that God is good. Dark chocolate good. The one thing you always wanted good. Finally home good. They showed me that the guy up there operating the fireworks in the sky had nothing to do with religion, or the life I had left behind. He had to do with a love I'd never known - and a love and intimacy and place of belonging that I wanted for the rest of my life.

Those lightning storms taught me that I now fear nothing. Nothing.

I'm realizing that I write a lot about pain, grief, hurt. These are things we are programmed to shy away from, and to avoid at all costs. We all have our methods. We tell ourselves other people have it worse, that it's "just a feeling," or that we just can't deal with it right now. We rationalize our pain away and tell ourselves that tomorrow is more important than yesterday.

No. Today is all you've got.

If you are human, you are deathly sick. If you are in excruciating pain, you are blessed: Because you are being made aware of it. Pain is not our greatest enemy, comfort is. Get yourself to the operating room. Get outside and yell at God. Even if you are 100% convinced that you are yelling at the sky because you know he doesn't exist, get yourself to that operating room. Cry until your energy is sapped. The surgeon adores you, and he WILL show up.

Let me tell you something. Every time your heart breaks, you will lose little bits of it, like porcelain chips that are too small to glue back to the pieces of the plate. But if you let him, God will step in and be your glue - and the more your heart breaks, the more of it becomes God's heart.

One of my precious friends asked me last night what the point of living was. This is it.

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. - Ezekiel 36:26

Introducing The Good Women Project!

2011-02-02T23:41:00.008-05:00

Hey guys! On February 1st, I launched a new project: The Good Women Project. Please take a moment to watch this little intro video I just filmed to let you know a tiny bit about it. You can explore the website at www.goodwomenproject.com and follow us on Twitter at @GoodWomenProj.

Please shoot me an email at goodwomenproject[at]gmail.com if you have any questions or would like to contribute to the project.

The most recent post on The Good Women Project is titled, "Calla's Story: Emotional & Sexual Abuse." Check it out.

Love you all dearly.

How To Be A Millionaire By 25: Love Is The New Currency. Part 1.

2011-02-02T11:54:00.020-05:00

I just walked by my co-worker's computer, whose screen was filled with an image of Mark Zuckerberg, with "How To Be A Millionaire By 25" stamped across it.

We are conditioned to believe that money will make us happy. Particularly if it's above the million dollar mark. I've never seen an article titled, "How To Be A Ten Thousandaire," even though for a lot of us, this would solve our immediate financial problems and provide a flight to our most coveted vacation destination.

I don't need to tell you that money won't make you happy. It will probably make you happier, but ultimately, it won't achieve "The Happy."

So, I have taken it upon myself to write a better article; one that doesn't include telling you how to code yourself into millions of dollars while losing friends and becoming nearsighted along the way. Here goes.

Realize that you cannot fix your own problems; you need others. Old hurts, daddy issues, image issues, personality flaws, post traumatic stress disorder, depression, selfishness, an inferiority complex, pride, distrust, there are so many. I have dealt with all that I just listed. Acknowledge them. Admit them out loud. And actively work on tackling the messed up parts of your heart and mind, with others. Get counseling. Get prayer. Confide in people who will work on rebuilding you. Childhood scars everyone, did you know that? We're born broken. We're born dysfunctional. We're born with the inherent need to lean on one another in order to find Love, and in doing so, rebuild our hearts.

Learn to give. I didn't give things naturally the first 20 years of my life. I didn't grow up being generous. 90% of the arguments I landed myself in during the first 15 years of my life stemmed from my sister taking things of mine. I've worked hard for everything I own, and it takes a heart-shift to realize that everything in our homes, bank accounts, pockets, and purses are not ours but God's. By the time you're 25, give regularly and give on a whim. What do I mean by this? Both are important. It's important that you plan to give (IE. $35 a month to sponsor a child) regularly, and it's important that you learn to give in the moment (IE. Buying coffee for the person behind you, giving a dollar to a kid crying in the department store). When you learn to give, it will change your understanding of permanence, materialism, and the value of people over things.

Love your body. No really, I mean it. Love how you were created. This is a hard thing for me to talk about, for two reasons. I am blessed to be put into the 'pretty' category by most people. And at 5'7" and 120lbs, I don't have anything to complain about. But here is where we discover just how deep our insecurities are, women (and men). When I was 13 years old, I asked my mother if I was pretty. She hesitated, and replied, "Well, there are different kinds of pretty." Translated: No. So, since age 13, I believed that I just wasn't pretty, and that was fact. Growing up, I was skin and bones. My parents, relatives, and lots of my friends made fun at me for being so skinny. I was painfully self-conscious, and refused to wear shorts up through high school. Yes, through high school. My uncle used to call me "Skinny Minnie," and I cried over it. I hated swimsuits. Because I was so thin. Go ahead, hate me, women. Emotional scarring is all the same. I accepted that I was not pretty at a very early age, and that being lanky was a curse. (Lanky Lankford - don't think I didn't hear that one. Ouch.) Then, one day, a couple of years ago, I just decided to not deal with it anymore. I gave up on hating how thin I was, hating certain aspects of my body, and hating that I'd never be the tanned, blonde girl with a flashy personality. I accepted that I was created this way and there was nothing I could do about it. And guess what, I still can't do the tanned, blonde girl look. I can't be the dark eyed, exotic beauty. And I can't be the stunning red head with freckles perfectly placed across my cheeks. All three of these girls I would rather be. But take a look at this picture of little me. Yes, pale skinned, victorian-era girl with haphazard curls in my face? I can be her. Because I was made to be her. And I've fallen in love with how I am.

Pursue joy actively. This is a decision you make, not something you stumble upon, or reach once you achieve x, y & z. Decide to pursue joy, ask God for it, put yourself in places where you receive joy from others, and take time alone to restore your heart. When we are whole-hearted, we live in joy.

Write a mission for your life. I'm not talking about a career path, goals, hopes, dreams, etc. I'm talking about what kind of person you want to be known as. Who you are is infinitely more important than what you accomplish. A few years ago, I was handed an index card and told to write down what I wanted to be remembered of me. I wrote, "that she showed grace and compassion, regardless of what was deserved." That line has remained in my wallet, and molded and shaped who I am over the last few years. It keeps me in line. When my emotions get the best of me and I relapse into a bitter, "but this is what I deserve," - I remember that compassion and grace are worth the sacrifice.

Love your handicap. If someone sat you down and asked you which moments in your life were the most painful, would you tell them? There's a reason that "rock bottom" is a phrase we all know. I wrote a post on pain and grief a few months ago, as well as on loss. Ladies and gentlemen, your handicap is where God has chosen to give you unique value, unique faith, and unique access to his heart. You will find more love and more close friendships in your handicap than you will anywhere else. Your loss, your betrayal, your shame, your divorce, your parents, your depression, your disease, your heartbreak, your addiction, your rape, your mistake, your abuse, your dysfunction - this is where we see God and where he will use you for the rest of your life. I would argue that he created you for this. It is a blessing. In the words of darling Jeni, "it is not a design flaw, it is my gift." Stop sweeping it under the rug, and hoping that the ache will go away. Face it, talk about it, share it, and seek healing in it. God will use it, I promise you.

Find your point of perspective. I wrote a post called "" awhile ago that deals with finding joy. Let me keep this short and sweet, though: Perspective is everything. It is so easy to become wrapped up in the details; we forget that 95% of what we do today won't matter a year later. Start making decisions based on what is permanent. "So http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifwe fix our eyes not on the seen, but on the unseen, for it is the seen that is temporary but the unseen is eternal." - 2 Corinthians 2:18

Memorize these phrases: "I'm sorry", "I don't know", & "What do you need?" These phrases are probably the three most life-changing additions to my weekly vocabulary. Learning to apologize simply, admitting that you don't know the answer, and asking what someone else needs are will get you far in life. It keeps you living in humility and breaks the cycle of self-centeredness.

That's it for today. Stay tuned for Part 2.

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Imperfect Parenting: You Hurt Me.

2011-01-24T12:17:00.014-05:00

First, I want to preface this by saying how much I love my family. I love my parents, and my sister and two brothers have a place in my heart that will never be lost. I was blessed with a phenomenally unique childhood, full of both more love and more pain than most kids in America experience. Both have strengthened me, and I am blessed.

I have recently realized that there is no 'normal' or 'to be desired' childhood. Instead, God gives every child a wildly different life for a purpose, and we are the ones who choose to make it our downfall or our platform. It is what we choose to do with our childhood as an adult that makes it 'good' or 'bad.'

My dad loves his wife more than anything else. I admire him for how well he takes care of my mom, and that he gave me more hours in the first 10 years of my life than most girls get from their father in their entire life. I hope that my husband adores his daughters as much as my father adored me.

In every family, though, there are a few things that drive deep rifts - some are flashing neon signs, and some are entirely invisible.

In our family, sarcasm is one of these things.

Sarcasm is defined by Princeton as "witty language used to convey insults or scorn." Another definition is, "a form of irony that attacks a person or belief through harsh and bitter remarks that often mean the opposite of what they say."

Note the difference between sarcasm, and humor: "a message whose ingenuity or verbal skill or incongruity has the power to evoke laughter."

I despise sarcasm. It bites, and it wears at a child's spirit. The young men and women who have been on the receiving end of sarcasm have visible scars. I can see it. To me, sarcasm is like pulling a rug out from a toddlers feet and laughing as he falls.

Are you familiar with the term, 'cognitive dissonance?' It is a psychological term that describes the mental and emotional tension a person experiences when they simultaneously accept two contradictory truths or emotions. We don't need scientists and psychologists to tell us that inconsistency is harmful to children, but they've proved it anyway.

Children by nature love to make their parents happy. They love to make them laugh. They love to be the focus of positive attention. Children thrive in their parents' pleasure. But introduce physical or emotional pain at the same time, and it wrecks a child's heart. Whether or not you as a parent think the pain is valid is entirely irrelevant. Pain is pain, and your child is hardwired a certain way by the God of the Universe, and it is your job to love that child through it.

I Corinthians 13:6 says, 'love always protects.' When you love someone, you will do your best to protect their heart. Always. The definition of protect does not include poking fun with the intention of manning up your son or daughter.

Ephesians 4:29 says, "do not let any unhealthy talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up, according to their needs, so that it may benefit those who listen." I am no counselor, pastor, or teacher - but in my opinion, the phrase 'according to their needs' is intensely overlooked. If your child is soft-hearted, sensitive, and acutely tuned to your words, know that is it a gift given to him by the same Being that made you. I don't care if that doesn't fit into your definition of masculinity. God designed him that way for a purpose you do not yet understand. And you have been directed to say nothing to that little one unless it laces his heart with love - according to his needs.

Dear men, it doesn't matter how your father did or didn't raise you. And dear women, you have special access to your son's heart. Together, I beg you, build your son into a man by way of love, encouragement, confidence, pride, and validation.

Dear men, your daughter's heart is softer than you know. Dear women, tell your daughters they are beautiful and valuable. We need to learn to accept approval from not just men. Together, I beg you, to build your daughter into a woman by way of love, encouragement, confidence, pride, and validation.

My heart breaks when my 19 year old brother winces in pain from my dad's poorly chosen jokes, and I can feel an invisible coating of numbness slip over my heart when my dad laughs at my expense. There are terrible truths that my sister has accepted about herself, driven into her heart like knives and imprinted into her mind by sarcasm.

I tell you this to ask you to think twice about what you say - three times, if necessary. Separate sarcasm from humor in your mind, and go read my post, Your Jokes Suck: Why I Won't Date You. Because I know that if you aren't a parent yet, you'll one day catch yourself treating your children the way you treat your friends and your significant other, right now.

Protect people with your words.

And when they are hurt by your words, track down some humble pie, and listen to their hearts. They will give you the clues that will enable you to build them up - not tear them down - according to their needs.

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PS. Are you a parent who is guilty as charged? You now have the opportunity to teach your child an invaluable lesson - acknowledging that you aren't perfect. Tell us that you are sorry, and you'll try to do better. If you can say this to your child's face, you just gave your child the tools to build healthy relationships with his or her future friends, co-workers, spouse, and children. We desperately need you to teach us how to apologize humbly. Please do.

PPS. Do you have scars from sarcasm? “This is what the LORD says: ‘Your wound is incurable, your injury beyond healing. There is no one to plead your cause, no remedy for your sore, no healing for you. But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds,’ declares the LORD, ‘because you are called an outcast, for whom no one cares.’" Jeremiah 30. Also, “When she cries out to me, I will hear her, for I am compassionate.” Exodus 22:27

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+ Life Update. +

2011-01-18T10:27:00.007-05:00

So, just a little update. My blog has been changing & I've been writing a bit more than usual. It's been really fun to watch it evolve over the last year or two, bouncing around from photography, inspiration, poetry, creative writing, cosmetics reviews, thoughts, life updates, projects, and pretty much everything under the sun.

It's still evolving, and I'm not sure I'll ever have a clear-cut style on here, but I wanted to ask all of you what you'd like to see more of. What do you guys miss, and what would you like to see? How have you felt about the writing? I love conversation - let's talk. :)

I'll be writing with Max over at MakeItMad in February and I'm really excited for that! If you haven't checked him out, please do.

Next week I'll be heading to Blissdom in Nashville with some of the greatest people to hang out, speak, and kick some Love Bomb butt. Let me know if you'll be there! I want to say hi and give you a hug!

I've also been digging Kaleigh Somers - one of the more talented female writers I've come across lately. She's a sweetheart.

My most recent blog posts have been pretty intense, and I've thrown my heart and mind into writing them. If you missed them, you can check out Mastering Life in 2011: The New, Sexy 1950's Culture, Branding Your Life: Welcome To The Internet, Your Jokes Suck: Why I Won't Date You, and Losing Everything.

I have a button for my blog now too. Several people have asked me for one, and I finally got around to it! I'd be honored if you took a moment to copy the code over and link to me on your blog. It's right heeeeerreee:

I started a photo blog, which has been a long time coming. Here are some of my newer photos, and go follow my photo blog if you'd like to keep tabs on what I'm doing with photography!

Much love, everyone. I've been bit by the fashion bug this month, so prepare yourselves for a little more estrogen & glitter than normal! Twitter or Liked my fan page yet?

+ Mastering Life In 2011: The New, Sexy 1950's Culture +

2011-01-17T13:02:00.011-05:00

Today I have something very short and sweet to say:

The secret to just about everything is getting outside of yourself.

What do I mean by 'getting outside of yourself?' I just mean slowing down your brain and paying attention to the people around you. Putting a hold on your personal goals, and asking who needs help with theirs. Making a sacrifice so that someone else can get what they've been waiting for. Going over to your Mom's house instead of sending her a message on Facebook.

Over the last couple of decades, we've become a very individualized society. Words like 'family' and 'community' aren't dropped too much anymore when discussing life decisions. The idea of still being friends at 25 or 30 with the kid you met on the playground when you were 5? That's obsolete for 9 out of 10 people. With the traditional media explosion (radio, television, and eventually the Internet), culture shifted from what immediately surrounded you in your daily life to something that's worldwide, and people then had their pick of what culture they wanted to adhere to. Through traditional media, we all got grouped into the humanity movement. And, true to human nature, we rebelled by 'standing out,' 'being unique,' 'embracing diversity' and 'doing me.' (I could elaborate much more on the symptoms of individualism, but that's for later, and not quite the point of this.)

Then came what I lovingly refer to as Teh Soshal Mediaz. Thanks to social media, we've suddenly become a relational generation again. Sure, it looks wildly different from the 1950's, but I think we're finally realizing that we might have thrown the baby out with the bathwater when we raced to put our careers first, let go of some pretty significant family values, and when "doing me" became the epitome of Cool.

Even if you don't use social media, that's okay. It's changing your world for you, and you didn't even have to Like any Facebook fan pages. There's been an outrageous rush in even the last 365 days to raise awareness, build online communities, use Twitter to strengthen local non-profits, bring philanthrophy to the corporate world, interact personally with customer groups, and elevate the importance of sincere relationships.

We've even gotten so far as to have a man we call Doctor Love (Paul Zak) do extensive studies to prove that Oxytocin, the cuddle chemical, is triggered by things like a positive Facebook status comment. In the same way a bearhug from your best friend does. The significance? The corporate world is now anticipating that in the near future, their worth will be primarily measured not by their profit margins, but in customer relationships and their trust factor. Yes, people. Social capital is more valuable than money in the bank.

This has left us scrambling to figure out how to best gain this social capital. And it's so, so easy. The secret is getting outside of yourself.

What does this mean for you? It means that we finally have proof that putting others first is the best way for the world to work. It means that engaging in a sincerely interested manner with the person at the drive-thru gives you an amazingly good return on your 5 minute investment. It means that putting a sticky note on your dashboard reminding you to focus on others, and not yourself, will actually increase your standard of living. It means that the whole purpose of social media is to be social: "marked by friendly companionship with others."

But, there's a catch. Being driven by love isn't something you can fake. Even behind a creative Twitter handle, intricate philanthropic blog network, or super cute profile photo, people can tell fairly quickly what your motive is. Most people who are paying attention can skim a blog, and after 10 minutes, give you a fairly educated guess on what that blogger's definition of success is.

I want this to be a challenge to you. Make a conscious decision to put other people's interests above your own. When you go through the drive-thru, stop thinking about your next destination long enough to realize that a real human being is serving you. And when you jump on Twitter and half-skim a couple hundred tweets as your type yours up, pay attention to who needs a little extra love that day.

Success isn't complicated, you guys. Fight the urge to be ruled by the numbers game and to be 'doing me', and let's go back to our 1950's roots - where family and community take priority in our lives. While still crushing on our sexy MacBook Pros.

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+ Branding Your Life: Welcome To The Internet! +

2011-01-12T11:24:00.007-05:00

On November 1st, 2010, I tweeted: "You are a brand. Treat yourself as such. Ground your product, visualize your identity, network your life. Be open to growth."

I want to elaborate on this.

After tons of meetings, coffee dates, emails and texts with guys and girls looking for advice on moving forward and becoming successful with their lives and passions, I'm realizing that most people don't view themselves as a self-contained force. And really, you are. This is excruciatingly important for people to understand.

If you're alive and kicking, you're a small business. The question is, have you sat down as head of the company and started getting everything in line?

Most people are looking for something that will catapult them into the position they want to be in. College is the perfect example. No, college will not catapult you into a successful life. It's an extraordinarily beneficial tool, but it isn't "the answer." It's a solid learning experience, and an irreplaceable opportunity for networking. This business that your personal self inherently owns? That will be around forever. College will only be around for a few years. Make college fit into your business plan. Don't make it THE business plan. A lot of people miss out on both the real learning and the networking in college because they don't understand this crucial difference.

Here's the hard truth: You fill every role in this business that you run.

You've got full control of what goes on, and what direction your business runs in, but you also are in charge of marketing, research, IT, public relations, training, social media, etc. That's a lot of work. But don't get overwhelmed. Realizing that you have control over all of these things is half the battle.

Now that you know you're a business, you hopefully know how important it is to brand yourself. The key to sales (and yes, that’s what you’re doing. Selling yourself.) is relationships. The doorway to relationships is recognition. And you get recognition with savage, persistent presence.

Presence.

You're in so much luck that it's stupid. You were born into a generation where the Internet has made presence as easy as it will ever be. But it's still your job to educate yourself, learn the tricks, and manipulate it into working for you.

I don't pretend to be an expert on this, but what I can do is tell you what I've done, and what's worked for me. So here we go!

Sign up for everything, but focus on your core. You want presence everywhere, but you don't want to be trying to fill up 100 glasses at once. For example, I have a profile on About.Me. Do I use it? Nope. But if someone else is on About.Me and goes looking for Lauren Lankford...yep, there I am. With links to everything else that I DO use. Got 'em. Just heard about something new that just came out? Sign up. Take 15 minutes and look around. You may never use it again, but if it comes up in conversation later on (which it will), you'll know what you're talking about.

Learn HTML and some basic CSS. It's easy. Go to www.w3.org and read through the HTML and CSS tutorials so you at least have a general understanding of how it works. This is worth gold when you find yourself fighting a life or death battle with the customize feature on your blog.

Get Twitter. Yes, it's worth it. This is 2011 and you can't network successfully without Twitter. Spend time seeking out people who are similar to you, tweeting at people (hint: this is the #1 way to build relationships at this point in time), and learning how to create valuable content in 140 characters or less. When you're on a blog you love, look for their Twitter link and tell them via Twitter what you like about their stuff. It's the equivalent of walking up to someone at a party and telling them you think their shoes are sick. New friend. If you don't know where to start, go follow me and just start following people I do. I'll be your springboard, I don't mind.

Get a blog. Just like Twitter will be your conversation-hub, this will be the content-hub for everything you do. I recommend Blogger or Wordpress. Blogger is run by Google (note: blogger & blogspot are the same thing), and extraordinarily simple to customize and navigate. If you're up for the challenge, Wordpress may serve you better in the long run. And now, ACTUALLY BLOG. Treat your blog as a social tool. Comment on other people's blogs. Throw your projects up and shamelessly ask for critiques and opinions. Talk about people and things you love. Work on writing and producing quality. Ask people to guest post for you. This is the easiest way to direct someone else's readers to your blog. Get an email subscription widget up from FeedBurner so that people can get your blog posts in their inbox. Be dynamic, not static.

Get Google Reader. Even if you're not familiar with RSS, Google made it easy. Go sign up here. Up on the top left corner you'll see a "Add a subscription" button. Click it, and cut and paste a blog URL. It will automatically add this to your list. All the awesome blog content you can find, put into one place for you.

Get a portfolio. I recommend Carbonmade. You can look at mine here.

Get a Tumblr. You may or may not use this, but if you want to be an expert in your field, you'll try out everything just so that you know how it works. This is mine. Tumblr kicks ass for visual scrapbooking online. A couple clicks and you can upload an image, or hit re-blog from someone else's Tumblr and it will immediately appear on yours, for all of your followers to see. Don't know who to follow? Go to the Directory and see who is featured in the categories you're interested. Follow the ones you like. Keep your eye on who THEY are reblogging from. Follow those people too. I don't use Tumblr for networking, I use it for inspiration. Heavy content, 24/7. Free eye candy.

Get a profile on 20sb. It's probably the best way for bloggers to network on the inside. Here's my profile, go add me as a friend.

Get on LinkedIn. This is easy too. It's the most professional networking site out there, and the whole point is to have a persistent presence, remember? When someone signs up on LinkedIn, they'll have the option to search their email, Twitter & Facebook friends to find their friends and add them as a contact. Be on LinkedIn, and that's one more time that someone sees your name. Win.

Be in good company. One of the biggest lessons I've learned is that professionals are real human beings. Seriously. Don't be intimidated by resumes, numbers, reputations or accomplishments. That person you admire has a family, ex's, gets sick, has a sense of humor, and needs friends - just like you. I'm not promising that you can be their new friend, but place yourself in their life and do your best to learn from them. It'll rub off.

Move, shake, talk, interact, serve, offer, ask - be savagely present.

Also, consistency is important. Keep the same name/username/feel/style/photo/etc, everywhere you go. The whole point of being present is to be recognized, remember? Don't be afraid to change when you become better, but make your changes universal.

Remember that relationships work the same way online as they do offline. You don't make friends by squinting from a distance and thinking about how cool they are. Say hello, and start a conversation. Talking = Recognition = Relationships = Branding = Success. Get on it, and have fun!

Now, go sit down with a few pieces of paper and try to draw out your business plan. Pretend you're a company and decide what needs to be done in order for you to look smart and sexy on the Internet. Write down things you wish you were better at and figure out how to read up on them and practice them. Find the people who are already doing those things and stalk them like it's your job, because it is. Make a to-do list. I recommend TeuxDeux. Blog about it, and let me know via Twitter!

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+ Your Jokes Suck: Why I Won't Date You. +

2011-01-04T13:22:00.008-05:00

I've kept my mouth shut on this for a long time. But today, I'm pissed off enough to say something.

So here it is. Your jokes suck.

Sometimes I laugh at them, but they still suck. And I wish you'd stop.

Vulgarity and negativity are two things I do not appreciate. If you've ever wondered why I've peaced out so quickly, there's a good chance that one of these two things were the reason.

Here's the deal: Negative humor is humor that does harm, not good. And humor is supposed to be a good thing.

If you're filling your jokes with the f-bomb, tits, jews, blacks, blowjobs, fags, pubes, women in the kitchen, or any other topic that you haven't grown up enough yet to understand, you aren't funny.

Profanity and vulgarity are a cop-out. Let me say that once more. Your jokes are a cop-out.

It says to me that you don't have a real sense of humor. You have zero creativity.

Go read the definition of 'joke' in the dictionary. Notice in addition to 'something said or done for amusement,' it also says, 'a worthless thing or person.'

The subject of your joke is made worthless by your words.

Next time you crack a crude joke about sex, remember that you're subconsciously drilling it into your head (and everyone else around you) that women are worthless.

Next time you crack a joke about fags, ask yourself if you'd walk up to any human being and tell them to their face that they're worthless.

Guys, I'm looking primarily at you on this one, because it seems to be where most of it is coming from. Yeah, it's true that girls want guys with a sense of humor. That's one of the first things on all of our lists. But here's a secret: the women worth having are looking for men with good humor. Not negative humor. So step it up.

Girls, next time some guy cracks a joke about how a woman doesn't need a driver's license because it doesn't take a car to get between the kitchen in the bedroom, stand up for yourself and fight. If you laugh too, you're putting yourself down. We're allowing it. And I'm sick of it.

Oh, and girls? I'm not done with you yet. Quit joking that all men are assholes, or that the female race is superior. They're not, and we're not. You're making it worse for both of us.

There is an element of truth to all jokes, which arguably is what makes them so 'funny.' I challenge you to listen to yourself and to your friends, and pick out who or what is the brunt of your jokes. Go face yourself in the mirror and ask yourself some hard questions. Think about the truth that you are agreeing to, without realizing it.

The truth you believe is communicated through your jokes. Think I'm taking this too seriously? I'm not going to apologize for looking for a good man with a real sense of humor, who can make me laugh without the bite. And trust me, I'm looking.

Don't allow yourself to crack a joke if it's at someone else's expense. Hard, huh?

I know.

The good news is that negative humor is a habit. And habits are breakable. I did it. It was hard, but I did it.

Stop telling jokes that suck. You're hurting yourself, and a lot of other people.

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+ Losing Everything. +

2010-12-28T00:54:00.005-05:00

Nine years old. I handed my mom a couple of my dad's dress socks I'd found and she tossed them into a laundry basket in the back of the big, yellow U-Haul. I stared at my big playhouse in the backyard with my quiet blue eyes and wondered what would be at the next house. Ohio. What would that state be like? My strawberry patch, my rose garden, my green bean plants, my greenhouse. Time to leave, again. Why, I didn't know, but it was time.

Thirteen years old. Brushing pieces of fiberglass insulation out of my face, I tried to process what had just happened. The silence was surreal after the deafening sound of the entire house being ripped apart by a tornado. I didn't know if my youngest brother was still alive, and my body was frozen with the shock of seeing the open sky where walls and a roof should have been. Nothing of mine was saved; all I had were the clothes I was wearing and a pair of my mom's old shoes that I'd found in the dark.

Eighteen years old. I left my parents' house, completely unplanned, and never came back. My sister smuggled a bit of clothing to me over the next week or two, but the majority of everything I owned was left behind. I realized much later that my parents found the notes from my boyfriend that I'd hidden at the bottom of my sock drawer. What I wouldn't give to have those back.

Nineteen years old. I stared at the stack of red luggage in front of me in the parking lot and thought of the condo I'd just furnished the month before and boxes upon boxes of beloved memories left in a near-stranger's garage. Moving across the country by myself for the second time, again unplanned until two days prior, and all I could take was what I could fit on the plane. Again. The numbing emptiness didn't hit me until I was in Memphis on a layover and I thought of how much of my life I'd left scattered across the country. And wondered if I would ever get any of it back. My chest ached.

Twenty years old. Staring at the shattered glass all over the pavement and the seat of my car, I could barely breathe. I had left my car for five minutes, just long enough for my Macbook Pro to be stolen from under the backseat. Everything I'd ever written. Every picture I'd ever taken. Every project I'd ever done for any client. A year's worth of letters I'd written to my sister while she was kept in a "boarding school" of sorts, with a strict no-correspondence rule. I wrote every day and planned to give them to her whenever my parents let her out, or when she turned 18. The two books I was in the middle of writing. That laptop contained the only remnants of previous lives I'd lived; all of it gone. I'd come to terms with losing all my physical things over and over again in the past years, and I had held onto pictures and written memories to keep me sane. Now these were gone too. I felt like my life had just been erased.

I could go on, but it's hard. There are more stories, but I've made my point.

I am familiar with loss.

I know what it's like to stand alone in an airport and wonder what happened to your life.

I have fought through the long minutes in the shower, feeling the hot water burn the back of your neck and not wanting to ever climb out and stare at the reflection of your empty hands in the mirror.

I have cried over the loss of a ragged pink blanket given to me the day I was born, that made it through more than 20 moves - but not the 21st.

Loss is something I fear possibly more than anything else. It induces panic. It reminds me that I am helpless. But there are few times I have ever felt more alive.

I can only assume that God made it a priority to teach me this lesson: I can take nothing with me.

It is true that we do not know what we have until it's gone.

It is also true that we do not know how worthless those things were until we learn to live without them.

What would you still have if you woke up tomorrow morning with all your possessions gone? What would you do if you were given one suitcase to fill in 10 minutes before you moved 3000 miles away? How would you deal with the material faux-foundation being stripped out from under your feet?

I have learned to let go. To hold my hand open. We control nothing. Ultimately, God calls the shots. The shots that leave you sitting in the middle of a cul-de-sac in the middle of the night, in a city you don't know, rain soaking you while you sob. The shots that show you the immeasurable gap between your soul and what you think you own.

I ask you to let go. To live with less. To open your hands. To be thankful for extreme loss. To leave things in order to find life.

This week, get rid of things that you'd rather keep. Create a void. Shake your security. Force yourself to miss something. Bleed it out. And then, seek God.

You'll hear things you've never heard, and you'll breathe in a way you never have.

+ The Heart Leads & The Mind Protects: The Men to Love & The Men to Leave. +

2010-12-20T12:53:00.017-05:00

Follow your heart! He broke my heart.

Do what you love most! I'm addicted to ______.

Listen to your gut! I don't trust myself anymore.

How many of these phrases have you uttered? I've said all of them. Countless times. And I've listened to you say them, countless times.

This generation has been the first to shamelessly break traditions, expectations, safe decisions - to pursue passions, listen to today over yesterday and sacrifice everything for what makes your heart race.

I love it, and I hate it.

It's reaping great rewards, and great costs.

Do you see the cost, on the flipside of every push to put your heart first?

In our haste, I believe we have spit out the meat and not just the bones.

This applies to a handful of topics, but I want to talk about relationships. And women, I'm looking at you.

Stand up for yourself.

Put your heart on hold for three minutes, and decide right now to bring your mind back into your relationships.

I don't mean this in an insulting way. I'm not calling you stupid.

I'm calling you to use everything you've been given for the purpose it was intended.

I'm not telling you to be heartless, and to pursue relationships that feel wrong.

I'm calling you to be wise, and to surround yourself with men you respect, not men who just make your heart feel something.

Mind and heart.

It's not one or the other, it's both, together.

I'm pulling all of my past mistakes into the present to tell you that I've been there, and I've learned the lessons the painful way. And to tell you that chances are, you don't understand how valuable you are.

I'm going to make some very blunt, specific statements. Take them to heart.

Do not stay with a man who doesn't hug and kiss you.

Do not stay with a man who doesn't love your friends.

Do not stay with a man who turns you against friends or family.

Do not stay with a man who gives you better sex than friendship.

Do not stay with a man who tells you that love is all you need to make life work.

Do not stay with a man who belittles you, especially through sarcasm.

Do not stay with a man who treats you like a casual acquaintance in public.

Do not stay with a man who regularly talks about how hot other women are.

Do not stay with a man who talks shit about his ex's.

Do not stay with a man who has no expectations for his life.

Do not stay with a man who does not care about his family.

Do not stay with a man who talks badly about his mother.

Do not stay with a man who calls you whore, cunt, slut or bitch.

Do not stay with a man who is quick to accuse you.

Do not stay with a man who halves you, instead of doubles you.

Do not stay with a man where it is never his fault or it is always his fault.

Do not stay with a man who asks but does not give (in and out of the bedroom).

Do not stay with a man who gets angry with you daily or weekly.

Do not stay with a man you do not admire.

Do not stay with a man if you are ever afraid of him.

Do not stay with a man who considers you a liability and not an asset.

Do not stay with a man who won't tell you The Number.

Do not stay with a man who compares you to other women.

Do not stay with a man who does not believe in & live for something greater than himself.

Do not stay with a man who lies to you.

Do not stay with a man who does not regularly encourage you.

Do not stay with a man who never offers to pay.
Do not stay with a man you love when you're with him but that hate when you're not.

Do not stay with a man who would read this list and laugh.

I could go on, and on.

But every single type of man listed here, I have made the decision to stay with, "because of my heart." I tell you this for this purpose only: To beg you to follow your heart, WITH your mind.

You KNOW you deserve better. You KNOW the type of man you want. You KNOW you want to feel like a better woman around your man. You KNOW sleeping around isn't worth it. You KNOW you won't find the right man until you let go of the wrong one. You KNOW waiting will be hard but the sacrifice will be worth it. You KNOW your tendency to pardon things you shouldn't. You KNOW you want to be a good woman.

Use your mind. It was given to you so that you could guard your heart above all else, for it is the wellspring of life.

Love passionately, and choose intelligently.

Let me put it this way.

If you cannot respect a man, you cannot love him to the best of your ability.

You can only love him mindlessly.

The women who love mindlessly and marry men they cannot respect, are the women who endure pain, loneliness, divorce, infidelity, regret, bitterness, abuse, and a lifetime of heartache.

HEARTache.

Because they did not protect their hearts with their minds.

Note to men: I just set the bar pretty high for you. Good. You have a world of beautiful, sexy women behind you who want to believe in you, stand beside you, and make your world a thousand times better than it already is. Step it up. Be the man that we respect. We're not asking for perfect men, we're asking for good men. We are ready for you. Be the good man that you are, and win over a woman who wants you like crazy.

+ today. +

2010-12-18T19:48:00.003-05:00

+ rest +

2010-12-15T11:27:00.009-05:00

I'm terrible at resting. I'm terrible at knowing why I'm terrible at resting.

Have you heard that most weaknesses are just strengths taken too far? My strength is diving headfirst into things that wrap their fingers around my heart, and working hard to accomplish what needs to be accomplished. I'm not passive. And I take it too far. I'm proud of the strength, and ashamed of the weakness. I'm ashamed of the cost.

I'm still learning the cost of the weakness. And let me tell you, there is a great cost.

What has it cost me? Health. Peace. Relationships. Friendships. Seeing truth. Hearing God. Seeing God. My memory. Quality of work. Love. Joy. Wisdom. Invaluable experiences. Emotional stability. And on, and on, and on.

I recently watched a documentary called, "Stress: Portrait of A Killer." It's on Netflix, and you should watch it.

I wish I could say seeing the science behind stress and the destruction of brain cells was my breaking point, but I'm a little more selfish than that.

On December 1st, I woke up at 3:30am and realized I didn't have any interest in getting out of bed that day, which would arrive in a couple of hours. Everything on my plate were things I had chosen: A good job (not involving physical discomfort and more than paying my bills), school (which I love) and a major I'm interested in, editing photos that I took because I adore photography, writing the mission for Love Bomb, and a handful of trite activities. None of these were miserable tasks that I'd been forced to complete, none of them were long-hated obligations that I'd been silently swearing against for years.

So why was I dreading the morning?

For the past two weeks, I've been searching for this answer. And I found it. It is because I do not rest.

Skipping a class and sleeping in an extra 2 hours because your entire body aches is not rest. Taking a day off work to catch up on overdue commitments is not rest. Splurging on more coffee at 10pm is not rest. Fighting against the guilt of being a month behind on housework and triumphantly choosing not to do them just yet is not rest.

If you are working relentlessly out of guilt or self-inflicted obligation, stop immediately.

If you think maybe you're working relentlessly because of guilt or self-inflicted obligation but aren't quite sure, stop immediately.

The actions that fill your days should come out of health, joy, love, peace, and heart.

If you've lost your passion, drop everything, and for the love of God: Go find it.

If you are trying to play savior to others, or to yourself, you don't know Jesus as well as you thought you did.

Rest is physical, emotional, spiritual and mental. The cost of not resting affects all three of those areas as well.

I am the poster child for anti-rest. I have taken it upon myself to destroy that quality in me. This past week, I have let go of the majority of my obligations, much to the dismay of the world I decided that I could save. Yesterday, the moment I was off work, I came home and crawled into bed. Yes, at 2:30pm. I slept for four hours. I woke up, read some, wrote a letter, talked to a friend, half-watched a documentary, and went to bed early. I overslept this morning. My entire past 2 weeks has looked like this. Lazy? No. I am resting. I am catching up on 8 years of rest that I never had. I am cooking real food and lounging on the sofa for an hour while I watch trash TV and eat my dinner. Lazy? No. I am resting.

Three days ago, a marvelous thing happened. I woke up from a nap, sat up, and said to myself, "I miss my friends!" I went downstairs, turned on a documentary, sat down at the table, and wrote a handful of letters. While I had my envelopes and stamps out, I wrote a letter to the girl I sponsor in Zimbabwe, and paid some bills. IT WAS FUN. I loved it. These were all things that normally are on my to-do list; things that drip with guilt. And in this moment, I realized why they drip with guilt: Not because I don't want to, but because I am too tired.

My body, mind, and heart have been screaming at me for years, and I just now heard them.

I will throw a brick at the next person who says to me, "I'll sleep when I'm dead," and consider it a service to humanity. I realize this is extremely hypocritical of me, but we preach best what we need to hear most.

I understand that it's hard. I understand that some of you are soldiers on multiple battlefields. I understand that for some of you, being "sister, mother, daughter, wife and friend" is not just some cute little description of you that hangs on a plaque in your bathroom. I understand that some of you are paying for others' mistakes. I have a word for you from God, the one who created you: "Six days you shall labor, but on the seventh day you shall rest; even during the plowing season and harvest you must rest." (Exodus 34:21)

I beg of you to rest.

If you cannot yet rest physically, rest spiritually. Know that, “my Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest." (Exodus 33:14)

If you cannot yet rest physically, rest emotionally. Know that, "the beloved of the LORD rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the LORD loves rests between his shoulders." (Deuteronomy 33:12)

If you cannot yet rest physically, rest mentally. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." (Matthew 11:28-29)

And if you cannot rest physically, ask yourself the hard questions. Why have you committed to certain people? Why are you consumed with X, Y & Z? Why do you chase after the things you chase after? What are you doing that is your security blanket? What will you lose if you work less? Why will you miss what is gone?

The cost of not resting is great. If you don't believe me, do a word search for "rest" in the Bible. Or go watch "Ink" on Netflix.

Give yourself grace. And rest.

- - -

"Very well then,
with foreign lips and strange tongues God will speak to this people,
to whom he said, “This is the resting place, let the weary rest”;
and, “This is the place of repose”— but they would not listen.
So then, the word of the LORD to them will become:
Do this, do that, a rule for this, a rule for that;
a little here, a little there—
so that as they go they will fall backward;
they will be injured and snared and captured."
Isaiah 28.

+ 2011 +

2010-12-08T20:06:00.001-05:00

+ december & pornography +

2010-12-01T10:18:00.015-05:00

Part One: It's December 1st, and you know what that means. Time for Lauren's annual crisis.

For some reason, right around Thanksgiving, I question everything I'm doing and everything I am.

It's like climbing a mountain ever year, and as soon as the snow hits, I slide right back to the bottom of it.

I'm learning that the valley is a good place. I make the closest friends here.

It slows me down, and it forces me to face my imperfections. I become real - something I have a gift for escaping, and have had ever since I was twelve years old, sitting in the car asking my dad, "what is 'me?'"

I woke up in the middle of the night last night, sprawled between my bare mattress and my comforter (I was too exhausted to get my sheets out of the dryer last night when I got home), staring at the ceiling. I felt like I was seven. 23 year old women should have sheets on their beds. Time had stopped, and I gave myself five minutes to hate everything.

To hate that I'm 23 and in an inconvenient limbo between child and adult.

To hate that I'm selling myself short in school. That I'm still in school.

To hate that I'm a workaholic and have missed out on a lot of life.

To hate that I'm not half as good at anything as I want to be.

To hate the way people perceive me, and my inability to communicate who I am.

To hate that I had no interest in getting out of bed in three hours for anything.

To hate that I come to this place, over and over and over.

I'm 23, and still asking what is Me.

In the shower this morning, the shampoo bottle was a million miles away from me. There was a gap between my finger tips and the tile that was making my head spin. Some part of me was infinitely objective, distanced from everything I was in physical contact with. Hello, preposition.

When I find myself here, it is easy to believe that I am the only one. To believe that no one else feels this distance, and that everyone else is in tune with life, except for me.

But it's not true. We all experience this. And we all hate these same things.

I have no guarantee that quitting my job is the best decision or that taking anti-depressants during the winter is a good idea.

When you don't know anything, you fight to find what you do know.

And this is what I knew, at 3:30am. God has never failed me, not one single time. I am loved and protected and he will be my dad. He is worth trusting. I will never be homeless. Joy does not come from things. He knows me better than I know myself. He has given me a compassion that fights to get out of my chest and he will do so, in his way and in his timing. Every time I've worked towards something, I've obtained it. Worrying is pointless. I am blessed. I know that I desperately love people. Every struggle I've been through has always paid off. I've always come out better on the other side. Always. I know that as hard as things are, I love my life.

Desperation and insecurities are gifts. I am thankful for them.

Here's to December and finding out what kind of lessons are learned through meltdowns, failure, freaking out and persistent joy.

- - -

Part Two:

I'm going to make this incredibly brief. There are few men I respect, few men whose writing gets my complete attention, and few men who are still fighting.

Go add this man to your blogroll, rss, google reader, bookmarks - whatever it is you do.

www.makeitmad.com

Max Dubinsky's mind is something worth keeping tabs on weekly. He has invaluable perspective.

We do a lot of talking about fairly weightless things. MakeItMad isn't one of them. Make it your job to talk about Max. I want to see his name everywhere.

+ Consider This Your New Pornography +

+ baby. +

2010-11-23T10:49:00.007-05:00

My sister recently posted these of us. Oh, little babies. I didn't realize how much of the same girl I am. I miss the south, and I miss the simplicity of quietness and observing the world move. I wish I was still three years old, and could get away with speaking barely at all and listening to everything. I have little to say, and I feel consistently forced to say more than what I have in my mind and my mouth.

Love simply, speak softly, believe passionately, give sacrificially, move slowly, watch constantly.

Childhood, you were an invaluable gift to me.

+ there's a mess inside my head +

2010-11-17T22:26:00.003-05:00

I haven't been writing much, lately. All that is about to change, starting with this.

<bgsound src="http://laurennicolelove.com/wrote/lemonade.mp3">

+ fitting in, not blending in +

2010-11-12T20:40:00.004-05:00

Are you fitting in or blending in?

Think about it.

Their partners-of-sorts are sticking out and standing out.

Words are tricky beasts, and they will form your lives whether you are conscious of it or not.

If you are fitting in, you are a piece that has found the puzzle it belongs to. Your identity compliments and completes something greater.

If you are blending in, you are no longer a piece. Your identity is washed in with the rest and you become unvaluable as an individual.

As kids, we paid a high price to fitting in. And it's healthy. But maturity comes when you push one step further - adding value to your personal brand that makes you stand out, and falling one step back - retaining your original self.

Be invaluable, not unvaluable.

Fit, but don't blend.

- - -

If you need some help, you might want some help in determining which is leading you: expectation, or vision.

- - -

Also, I've changed some things around on the blog. Cleaned it up, and added some new tabs at the top. And a little bio!