Sunday, April 25, 2010
I've been slowing down a lot lately, and trying to do more things that I genuinely love to do, and I'm already feeling much better. Hooray. :)
I feel strange posting about my life on here, because I don't really know who all is reading. Can everyone stop by via comment and introduce yourselves?
Saturday, April 24, 2010
I HAVE AN UNREASONABLE LOVE FOR BABY PLANTS.
Dug up some cute little pot-alternatives on my weekly thrifting trip, and love them.
Also, last night I went to Wonderland with Krista. What an awesome place. I'm kind of loving Columbus this week. Shhh don't tell. :)
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
This new love for the postal service has also resulted in my Free Prints Wednesday project. I've only shouted about it on twitter and my tumblr so far, but will probably stick a little note in here on Wednesdays from now on. So yes, be warned. If you want a free print mailed to you, pay attention to me on Wednesdays! The first 5 people to email their snail mail address to me, after my ready-set-go, get the print. :)
Monday, April 19, 2010
this week so far:
- signed up for couch surfing
- decided to move to seattle
- realized that american's can't merge
- had a brain mri
- learned that i really enjoy ultrasounds
- also learned that doctors are useless
- realized i treat god like a boss and not a friend
- fallen in love with sunlight, again
- established a love/hate relationship with chanel
- started looking for jobs in seattle (do you live there?)
- sworn my undying love to goodwill
- hated my brain for persistently overthinking
Monday, April 12, 2010
A bit later, mom and dad picked me up. I wasn't allowed to spend the night; they didn't know all the other little girls. Still bubbling, I slid happily into the backseat. My hands folded in my lap, I smiled into the window at my reflection. Lauren Nicole. Yes?! Let me see your hands. Fear, panic, anxiety. I held my hands out, shaking, to show off my stubby hot pink nails with my special 'glitter dots.' Lauren. Terror. The minute you get home you will go to the bathroom and take off that horrible nail polish. But... No, Lauren. It's trashy. You are not allowed to paint your nails. I will not go to church in the morning with a daughter who looks like that. Disappointment, hurt, shame. My pretty pink color was trashy. I was trashy. Daddy didn't think I was pretty. Daddy didn't want me to have fun with all the other girls. Daddy didn't want to be seen with me. Those girls...they were trashy. Too grown up for their age. I wanted to be pretty, but pretty was wrong. Those girls were wrong. I was different, again. I wasn't allowed to fit in, again. Just me, like no one but myself, again. Plain hands, again. I cried myself to sleep.
Ten years later.
Lauren Nicole. Fear, panic, anxiety. You are miserable because you haven't repented for when you've dishonored your parents. You are the wrong type of girl. You aren't the girl your father is proud of. Disappointment, hurt, shame.Your father has never hurt you, ever. You're wrong. He's always loved you. Your father has never treated you badly. This is all your fault. It's always been my fault. Don't expect a birthday card for the fifth year in a row. You don't deserve it. You were the one that hurt your father, not the other way around. No! I was hurt! Lauren, your father won't be seen with you, ever. I'm the wrong type of girl.
Note: I've had two or three people ask me if it's wrong to post publicly about family issues. I want to say I'm aware of this concern, and I've wrestled with it in prayer. What I write is from the depths of my heart, and as a girl who is fighting to learn to finally speak these things, I've found a new 'letting go' and freedom in honesty of being open with past hurts. Despite everything, I love my parents very much. But this is me, my life, struggling to piece things together for myself. The encouragement I receive from all of you helps me in incredible amounts. Thank you for listening, understanding, and loving. xoxo
Saturday, April 10, 2010
just like the spokes
so much up
so much down
long and lean
so much clean
so much clean
just like that
no just like this
so much blue
always, always blue
two thousand and eight miles
two thousand and five, miles
so much coming
so much going
not enough girl
too much, girl
Thursday, April 8, 2010
+ how beautiful the rain is when it hits pavement, at midnight.
+ the depth and intensity of old pain; how present it still is.
+ how badly i want a dog...something to love on.
+ shannon leith & how much i admire her & her photos
+ how little close friends actually know me
+ my shortcomings in every field of interest
+ my impatience
+ how difficult being 22 is
+ the lack of a mother
+ jealousy of girls that have mothers
+ how every doctor visit results in two more
+ how frequently i feel left out
+ my sudden ability to eat three meals a day this week
+ my aptitude to think, feel & act like a five year old
+ how much i love this picture
Saturday, April 3, 2010
I changed my major back to art. Finally. And I'm sticking with it. I'm sorry for all the delays in posting. :( But, below is a photo I snapped today while shooting around for a photography project. Yes, a photography class. My first one ever.
The weather is bright and warm and all my problems are solved. It's amazing how much differently I see my life once the sun comes out. Everything is re-aligning. Beautiful, beautiful.
P.S. I got a bicycle! A cute little Schwinn. I'll post soon.
P.P.S. Never write about a place until you're away from it, because that gives you perspective. [ Ernest Hemingway ]