Sunday, May 31, 2009

+ therapy post. +

this is my 62nd post on this blog.

my medication gives me the most bizarre headaches, and sometimes makes me socially irritable.

i don't know if socially irritable is a recognized phrase or side effect, but that's what i am.

my phone just died and i couldn't care less.

i haven't had a frappucino from starbucks in over a year, and i just gave it another shot, and i'm ready to take another 12 month sabbatical.

today, i want to be in love, and i'm not. at all.

it's beautiful outside, but for the first time in my life, the idea of being in the sun is mentally stressing me out.

i am excruciatingly bored with the normal recreational activities and enjoyable ways of passing time.

i wouldn't mind being a bird today.

i'm sick of feeling half-guilty for something i cannot control in the least.

i released yesterday.

my bedroom is a disaster, and it fits me.

Friday, May 29, 2009

+ love and 100 strangers +

i'm starting my love + 100 strangers photo project this weekend.

snapshots of 100 strangers, captioned with their first and middle name, age, and their definition of love.

definition of love being dictionary format, a short story, a phrase, life experience, or whatever defines love best for them.

if you would like to be part of it, let me know. maybe we will accidentally cross paths somewhere in columbus, or in any one of the cities i will be in over the summer. :)

- lauren nicole

Thursday, May 28, 2009

+ if i were an element.+


highest density element.

element 76.

remains lustrous at high temperatures.

extremely difficult to make.

it's bulk modulus rivals that of a diamond.

it is so volatile that it is rarely used in its pure state.

most commonly used for heart-related procedures.

it has the highest melting point and lowest vapor pressure of the platinum family.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

+ home again +

i had a lovely time in naples. a good friend, warm weather, beautiful beaches, and new shopping = happy self.

- - -

i've been hiding in your room
you've been standing alone in the dark
i could spell it out for you
but we're both scared to speak the truth
but what would you do for love?
yeah what would you do for love?
and what would you do for love?
i'd open my eyes for love.

- - -

i want this book. someone please buy it for me?

- - -

we're made out of blood and rust
looking for someone to trust
without a fight
i think that you came too soon

- - -

i also want this wall.

Friday, May 15, 2009

+ out. +

i'm about to move to another country for the sole purpose of slowing my life down.

america is too fast for me.

- - -

best photo of the day, only because this is exactly what i want.
credit? Macushla Burke.

- - -

i have decided that the next home i live in will be hardwood floors, and white everything. i will be white washing all the furniture i own.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

+ today... +

i want to be here.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

+ sunday morning tea +

excerpt from Love Courtship, and Marriage, or How to win a Lover.
122 Railway Terrace
published 1880

Let no one however dear to you, have right to violate the true instincts of your heart, or put a constraint on your love. Only be careful; do not imagine that you are in love before you have tried all the tests which may convince you that you really are. You may be only too reliable to mistake a caprice, a fancy, or a romantic day-dream for true love.

A whole series of light fancies which have been mistaken for love, have often been followed by the earnest passion of a life. The credulity of a woman on the subject of being loved is very great. They often mistake a little admiration for a particular regard, and on this foundation, build up a castle in the air, and fill it with all the treasures of their brightest hopes.

It is safer to be skeptical on the subject of being loved, but if you do make the mistake, take all the blame to yourself, and save your dignity by secrecy, if you cannot keep your heart from loving.

There are men and often the best, too, who are shy and need encouragement, inas much as it should be remembered that the men who declare their love in most beautiful language are those who love least truly.

The real lover is a stammerer. If a woman who he loves should return his affection, she should give him all the precious encouragement she can.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

+ i'm sick. yuck. +

i like the name aubrey.

Monday, May 4, 2009

+ have i found love? +

Preface: Over the last several years, I have suffered from panic attacks and periods of severe anxiety; this being the overflow of the fear that is rooted in the rock-bottom depths of myself: I must be perfect in order to secure a love that will never leave me, and I cannot be perfect.

When my dad and the anchor of my world stopped being a dad, and became simply my father, I realized that there was nothing I could say nor do to accurately express nor portray who I truly was, and how much I loved, needed, and wanted his love and presence. I realized that my security was entirely at the mercy of the perception [of me] of the person choosing to love or not love me. I had always thought that if they just knew what was inside...if they could just see my heart, they would never leave me, never be harsh with me, never speak against me, never hurt me, and most certainly never do the worst: abandon me.

Since I was 17, I have sought to find an accurate definition or picture of love. My definition thus far has been painfully skewed: Love is someone else doing what they think is best for you, and you earn this love from them by being perfect in their eyes. Read that again, and let it resonate.

The default definition of Love that I came to was Jesus's death. But sacrifice didn't seem to cut it - I can't find someone to nail me to a tree, and even if I could, it would serve no purpose here. But today, I think I am finally seeing the beginning of the picture, and I want to share. The heart of it, I believe, is this: REAL Love is something that is always given in spite of you, never earned.

- - -

I am not loved because I am perfect.
I am loved because I am not perfect.

It is my imperfection that makes it possible for me to be loved.

The sole purpose of Righteousness is to be placed in a position where love unhindered can be both given and received.

Righteousness is the means, not simply the end goal.

My righteousness no longer comes from my being and doing that which is perfect (for it cannot guarantee love) – my righteousness comes to me in love, from Christ, because I am imperfect.

This is a new love(!); we love because he first loved us. This is a new love; one that is safe, and does not allow my imperfections to cause me to fall out of love, for it is these very imperfections that allow me to be made whole by a righteousness not my own, in order that I my be the recipient and also the giver of a true, pure, and honest love. Perfect love, that casts out all fear. This love is now out of my hands, forever. What peace!

Sin is missing the mark.
My sins are not my conscious slaps in the face of God with the intention of hurting him.
My sins are missing the mark of what is best – what makes me whole.
My sins are the actions I take that give evidence of how broken and hurt I am.
My sins are my desperate search to numb pain, fill emptiness, and feel whole – and fail.

My sins are my imperfections, not what makes righteousness impossible, or what keeps the aching hope of love at bay.

No, if I were perfect, I would not need a righteousness not my own. And if I did not need a righteousness not my own, I would never experience a Love that says “I want you for you, not what you can do for me.”

Again, my constant state of missing the mark is what triggers the outpour of compassion on me from a Father who loves me as a child –

Again, my imperfections ALLOW his righteousness to work itself out in me, which places me in the position we all hunger and hope for: to stand in the middle of a saturating love that does not rely on me.

At last, something I cannot ruin.

I cannot ruin this.

Love, forever.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

+ lady blue +

she goes, shes goes with her hollow bones, she goes
every year she's back for the season
i have to keep my windows closed
i couldn't shake what my mother warned me of
try to keep me safe between the pews
i stepped away, saw that Love was outside
she wore a name, just a different one

she goes, shes goes with her hollow bones
he's gettin pretty when keepin it pretty
he's gettin pretty old
he's getting pretty old

round and round we go, we go around
round and round we go, she wont stay dead
stay down

there's an awful lot of holes i gotta dig
when i know you're gonna climb back up again
stay dead, stay down

stay dead, stay down
stay across the sea,
but i know where you'll be
when i look around and round we go, we go around
round and round we go, she won't stay dead,
stay down

radio roar, dancing on the bar
oh oh, you know you are
you call em' to the door, hookem' in the jaw
just for tonight, right?

but maybe when you're bored with the easy part
and when i can't afford another empty touch
maybe then we'll board our ships with a couple crashing hearts

round and round we go, we go around
round and round we go, she stay dead, stay down
round and round we go, we go around
round and round we go,
get out of my head, stay in the ground
she won't get out of my head, stay in the ground
stay down, stay dead.